Discoveries

Chapter Five: Pretending

It was snowing when Theo arrived at his aunt and uncle's house for Christmas. The almost-mansion, out of place in the small Welsh village - well, out of place if Muggles could have seen it - blazed with light from every window. It contrasted painfully in Theo's mind with home, his overgrown farmhouse on the Yorkshire moors. With only himself and his father, there were usually only a few lighted windows; the rest sat in peaceful blackness. It would be covered in night, now, with no one except the house elf there. The house had been in the Nott family for generations. Theo often wondered why it hadn't been sold. It betrayed in every worn wooden beam and uneven floorboard the origins his family tried so desperately to hide. They had never been very rich, or very well known, or even very powerful. Just middling along in the same place for centuries, never rising, but never falling either. Supporting the most powerful, and surviving because of it. The Notts had weathered wars and famines and storms in this house.

And we will again, won't we? One way or another, the family goes on, whether it's me or Dad. For God's sake, our motto is "choose thy allies wisely." At least I'm not breaking that tradition.

His aunt and Lucas were there when he and his cousin Celia trooped in. Theo had ignored her for as much of the journey home as possible; she had read a book. It had been a satisfactory arrangement.

Karena Amberley gave her daughter a warm hug; Celia wriggled out of it. She was of an age where public affection seemed embarrassing, even if the public was only Theo.

"What, aren't you glad to see us?" chided her mother.

Celia wrinkled her nose. "I suppose so..." She reached across to grasp her brother by the shoulder. "How've you been , Luke?"

"Bo-red," her brother said. "Mummy's always out and you're at Hogwarts. I drew Hogwarts yesterday. Do you want to see it?"

Celia hesitated, but her mother fixed her with a stern look.

"Sure, Luke." Her brother took her hand and pulled her towards the living room.

"How are you, Theodore?" Karena asked. She gave him a hug, too, but Theo bore it with good grace. "I hope your term's gone well."

"Fine, but I'm glad to get away from Hogwarts for a while," Theo lied. He'd rather have stayed. Everyone else in his dorm had gone home for Christmas, and he'd have had it to himself. Even if Anne was gone, too.

"We're glad to have you, Theodore, you know that," his aunt told him.

"I do." He smiled back at her, basking in a moment of familial warmth. He might not like it here, but the hospitality was sincere and warmly meant. That almost made it worse.

"Leave your trunk with Celia's, we can take them up later. Would you like a cup of coffee? I just made some."

"Thanks, it's freezing out there." Theo wasn't all that fond of coffee, but it would be hot, and he couldn't feel his fingers. He followed his aunt towards the kitchen.

"It has been cold, we've had all the fires going." His aunt waved some cups down from the cupboard. "Milk and two sugars, isn't it?"

"Three?" Theo suggested hopefully. Karena chuckled. "Three, then. You're just as bad as Eric."

Theo shrugged, leaning against the bench. "It's not the sugar, it's just the only way to make it drinkable."

"That's exactly what he says." Karena frowned at the coffee plunger. Theo knew his aunt hated housework; she had grown up with a house elf, and considered it beneath her. She'd married into a family that hadn't been well-off for all that long, however, so she'd had to learn to deal with it.

"Will Dad be visiting these holidays?" Theo asked, trying not to sound too wistful. The snow was really thick outside, now; nothing was visible through the window. Normally you could see the lights of the nearby Muggle village.

"To be honest, I'm not sure," Karena said, pouring the coffee. "Paul's going to a meeting tonight; he can take a message, if you want. In fact, I'll go too, now you and Celia are home. You can watch Lucas. I'm sure he won't be any trouble. Here you go." She handed him his coffee. Theo sipped it, making a face.

"How long did it take you to get used to coffee, Aunt Karena?"

"Oh, years." She settled back against the bench, too, seemingly comfortable staying here. "Your mother taught me to like it. She and Paul both lived off the stuff. Came of editing books, I think. Addie always had to stay up and finish what she was doing, even if that meant seeing the next dawn. Eric used to complain to me about it. But then, that was your mother all over."

"She worked for the same company as Uncle Paul, didn't she?"

"She did." Karena took a sip of coffee. "She would be very proud of you, Theo, ready to follow in your father's footsteps."

"Mum believed, didn't she? I couldn't have understood if she didn't - why she wouldn't." It still scared Theo how easy it was to lie about this.

Karena sipped her coffee and frowned at the stove.

"Yes," she said slowly. "Adrienne knew we were right. She always stood behind Eric. Supported him to the end." She sighed. "Enough of that. Is anything interesting happening at school?"

"The way the teachers are acting, you'd think our NEWTs were this year! But no ...not at school, anyway."

His aunt's mouth tightened. "I wouldn't call it interesting. We're winning, so far, but it's been too touch and go. We have to show those Muggle-lovers we mean business. Some people just don't have the dedication."

"When we're finally getting our own back after sixteen years?" Theo hoped he sounded appropriately indignant. He shifted his hand on his coffee mug. It was hot.

Karena scowled. "You know the type, at school, I'm sure. The apologists. The ones who know what we have to do, but let themselves get tangled up with the wrong people. I ran into a few of them the other day when I was doing my Christmas shopping. They go all shifty-eyed just because they know you're fighting for our rights! They should be strung up with the rest of them."

"Tempting, but if they're not actually on the other side, there's not much we can do, I suppose," Theo temporised.

If that's what she thinks of them, I wonder what she'd recommend be done with me?

"I suppose not. Did you get all your Christmas shopping done?" Karena asked. "I still have to go into Cardiff for a few things."

"No, I did it all on the last Hogsmeade weekend." After much soul-searching, he had bought Anne a pretty gold and black beaded hair clip. It had seemed...right, and besides, she was forever losing the things. Tracey Davis had cornered him coming out of the shop, but he'd managed to get by with the excuse that he'd been looking for something for his aunt and cousin.

"Any homework for the holidays?"

"Too much." Theo made a face. "I was hoping to get some more piano practice in, but it probably won't happen."

"You have been practising at school, haven't you?" Karena's tone was sharp. "Eric wants you to keep that up, you know."

"Yes, Aunt Karena," he replied patiently. "But there's no one to share it with. There's no point to music, without that."

His aunt looked blank. She wasn't very musical. "I suppose there isn't." She stood, putting her cup down on the bench.

"I'd better go and see how Celia is. Would you take the trunks up, please, Theodore?"

Theo had known he'd be saddled with that, so he didn't mind. "Sure." He stayed in the kitchen for a minute longer after she left, taking small sips of his coffee (horrible as it was), watching the swirling snow catch the light and vanish. If he kept his gaze fixed on the snow, he could almost be standing in the kitchen at home.

I want Dad. I want to be back home. I want...

I want to be able to tell the truth.

***

The weather in Essex was cool but clear. Anne paused to admire the white sheet of snow laid over their garden before she went back to the car to help Terry with her school trunk. Edmund, to her complete surprise, hurried out to help as well.

"Anne, hold up, I'll give you a hand!"

Terry let go of her end, which Edmund took. "Here we go."

"Thanks, Eddie," Anne said breathlessly as they lugged it inside, "didn't think you'd do that."

"Hey, I'm not that useless," her younger brother protested.

"That lazy, maybe," she shot back, laughing. Their mother held the door open for them as they went inside.

"Good on you, would you mind taking it up to Terry's room?"

Anne and Edmund both groaned, but complied.

"Thanks guys!" Terry yelled as she rocketed past them up the stairs to her room. They paused for breath half way up. Terry's scrawny cat, Medea, shot through Anne's legs after Terry, almost tripping Anne up.

"Damn cat!"

"Tell me again why we put up with her?" Edmund complained.

"Excuse me, I've been putting up with her for three months and you haven't!"

"I know." Eddie grinned. "It's been brilliant. I haven't had to get the football back from next door since August."

Anne rolled her eyes. "It wasn't always Terry."

"No, you used to toss it over there a lot when you were practicing netball."

"Right, that's it, I remembered why I prefer Hogwarts!"

"We did miss you, y'know," Eddie said when they finally got to Terry's room and put the trunk down. She was bouncingaround like a maniac, apparently greeting every piece of furniture, book, and oddment individually. "I really wanted to go to Hogwarts when I heard about it, and now you and Terry are both going..."

Anne put her hand on his arm. "It's just like having blue eyes, Eddie. Some people do, some people don't. There's nothing wrong about being a Muggle."

"See, there you are!" He shook her off angrily. "I'm just a "Muggle", you two are witches!"

"There are downsides to this, you know," Anne said coolly. "Like having to live away from home? Like having people want to kill you 'cause you're a witch and your parents aren't?"

Eddie blinked. "Like Elise and Hector and their parents?"

"Exactly like." Anne stalked over to the window. Clouds were coming in from the north, dark with more snow. "I'm sorry, Eddie, but it's just not as easy as you make out."

"But you still have that, and I don't." His voice was resentful.

Terry broke off from admonishing Medea not to scratch the bed. "Leave Anne alone, Eddie, it's not her fault!"

"I know." He bowed his head, thrusting his hands into his pockets. "Not a great welcome for you two, huh? I'm sorry. Look, come on down, Mum's made some crumpets for afternoon tea."

"Crumpets? Yummy!" Terry was out of the room before they could blink.

Anne turned away from the window to come over to Eddie. She put her arm around his shoulders.

"Let's enjoy the holidays, okay? I've got lots of homework, so I'd rather not fight when we've got free time."

"All right." Eddie, to her astonishment, hugged her back. "I am glad to have you home, sis. You're away too much."

Anne smiled into his shoulder. He was taller than her, now, even if he was only fourteen. "I think so too."

***

Theo arrived in the dining room for breakfast on New Year's Day to find his father sitting on one side of the table, reading the paper. He couldn't suppress a delighted yell.

"Dad, you're here!"

Eric Nott put down the paper and rose to embrace his son. "I am. For a little while, at least. I'm sorry I wasn't here for Christmas, but it was too risky. The Ministry would almost certainly have been watching that day."

"I don't mind, I'm just glad you're here," Theo said fervently as he sat down at the table. "Did you get the Christmas present I bought you?" he added anxiously.

"Yes, I did. I haven't had a chance to read it yet, but I'm looking forward to it," his father assured him.

Theo grinned. He'd bought his father a book on the history of the Puddlemere United Quidditch team. His father supported them, and it had seemed appropriately neutral. Anne had sent him a book for Christmas, too; a Muggle one about the five greatest innovations in Western music. It had a lot of terms he was struggling with, but he could always ask her. Terry had, surprisingly, sent a card. It read "Dear Theo, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. If you want to go out with Anne I don't mind and I think she will say yes. From Theresa Terry." It was so...Terry he'd almost thrown it out in sheer frustration, but to his private astonishment ended up keeping it along with his present from Anne. (Tucked inside his History of Magic textbook from last year; a few minutes' work with his penknife had sorted that out. He knew it was melodramatic, but it had to be somewhere his aunt, uncle and cousins would never, ever look.)

"How long are you staying?" Theo asked, spreading marmalade on his toast.

"Just for the morning, but I thought I'd grab the chance to read the paper in comfort," his father replied, picking the Prophet up again. "So, tell me about your term."

"There hasn't really been anything worth talking about." Theo shrugged. "The teachers are giving us insane amounts of work, but it isn't quite as bad as last year. We lost our first Quidditch match to Gryffindor. It was rather humiliating. Someone in Gryffindor hexed all our cutlery to fly when we picked it up, the next morning." He took a bite of toast. "Mmmph. We're pretty sure it was that Weasley girl, but there isn't any proof." He scowled. "Worse than her brothers."

"That whole family is trouble," muttered his father darkly, "but if they must insist on hanging around Potter, they aren't going to survive much longer."

"What a pity." Theo snorted. "One good thing about picking our classes this year; I've got far more classes with mostly people from my House."

"I enjoyed that about sixth year," his father agreed. "You aren't getting up to anything in the broom closets, I take it?"

"Dad!" Theo knew he was going red. "Of course not!"

His father lowered the newspaper to eye him over it.

"I mean - not that that would be a bad thing - but I'm not - stop looking at me like that!" Theo spluttered.

Eric Nott smirked. "Just wondering."

Theo glowered and picked up the sports section. Which wasn't the sports section - his father had that - but the front page.

His hand froze halfway to his mouth as he read the headline. He swallowed, and forced himself to keep eating as though nothing had happened. "REIGN OF TERROR" the Prophet shrieked. Sixteen coordinated attacks on New Year's Eve, the worst yet. Twenty-nine people dead, two of them Aurors. Four Hogwarts students. Theo's eyes flicked above the paper to his father, who seemed to be deeply absorbed in the Quidditch scores. Thank God.

Theo scanned the article frantically for locations. There were no names, not yet. London, Bristol, Manchester, Hereford, the Isle of Man...nowhere was Essex mentioned. His heart began to slow. Not Anne. Not her. Would this happen everytime there was an attack, he wondered? Was he going to spend every day this coming summer scanning the pages, wondering if this time it had been her?

I hate this war. I hate it.

"Is that why you were so busy? Preparing for this?" he inquired calmly.

"Hmm? Oh, yes, it was. We were unlucky." Eric Nott grimaced. "Two of ours dead. They were onto us in a couple of places, we haven't worked out why."

"A spy?" Theo said sharply.

"Probably not." His father shook his head. "Just word of mouth - someone tells their wife who tells a friend who's trustworthy who tells another who's not quite so trustworthy and so on...until it gets to the Ministry. You know how rumour works. The Dark Lord was upset, though."

"I can imagine," said Theo dryly as he turned the page.

"No, you can't." Theo looked up to see his father's mouth tighten. "You'll be all right, if you have to fight this war; you're not the sort of person who gets noticed a lot. It's one problem with the Dark Lord, he doesn't take excuses. Always bow your head to him, remember that."

Theo shivered. He remembered Professor Moody's demonstration of the Cruciatus Curse - no, it hadn't been Moody, had it? In fourth year.

"But you think he can win the war for us?"

"I know he can." His father nodded decisively. "We would have won, last time, if it hadn't been for Potter. And that won't happen again. You may not always like the Dark Lord's methods, Theo - working with psychopaths like Bellatrix Lestrange isn't much fun - but you have to understand this. The ends are worth the means, and if the Dark Lord is the end to securing the wizarding world's future, so be it. We need him. He is one of us, despite those rumours going around. Just propaganda." Eric Nott scowled as he turned a page. "Those Muggle-lovers will say anything to try and stop us. Pathetic, really."

Theo nodded. Ginny Weasley's light, derisive voice at one of the DA meetings echoed in his ears.

Voldemort? Of course it's true. His father was a Muggle, but he abandoned Voldemort's mother and left Tom - Tom Riddle, that was his real name - to grow up in an orphanage. So now he's trying to get revenge by killing people. He was Head Boy, you know; one of the brightest students ever. He could have been anything he wanted, could have proved that blood doesn't matter, but instead he's skulking around murdering Muggles. Some people just can't learn to let things go. Pathetic, really.

"I know, Dad," he said. "I just want to help win this war. I know you'd always do the right thing." That was so easy to say. He had thought that, once.

"I don't doubt you, Theodore." His father smiled at him. "You'll go a long way if you hold on to that conviction."

"Of course I will, Dad," Theo said.

***

Anne was relieved to get back to Hogwarts. Christmas had been wonderful - Theo had sent a very thoughtful and very pretty present, as well as a pack - a small pack - of sugar quills for Terry. (The recipient had said "You're bloody joking!" when informed who the present was from, earning herself a severe reprimand from her mother.) The accompanying note had read "Snape will gut you if you eat them in class, but Binns won't notice. Merry Christmas, Theo. Eddie had teased her mercilessly about her own present, mainly because Terry had said very loudly "Theo must have spent ages choosing that, don't you think, Anne?" Anne could definitely see Theo's point about Terry.

Anne had just enjoyed having her whole family around her again. It might be for only a short time, but she had it. She'd never really wanted to go to a boarding school, but magic had changed everything.

After the New Year's attacks, however, the joy of the holidays had been cut brutally short. She and Terry had spent their days jumping at shadows, afraid to set foot outside the house. She had been keenly aware of the fact that she was the only witch in the neighbourhood apart from Terry. Last summer, she might have gone down to the Martins' house. But they had been dead for six months now.

On the last day before their return, Anne had forced herself to leave the house just to prove that fear did not make her a prisoner in her own home. She had volunteered to take Nicola down to the park to play. Terry had elected to stay home, but much to Anne's surprise, Eddie had come with them. He seemed to have been trying all holidays to make up for his outburst upon their arrival.

They'd stayed at the park for an hour, Eddie and Nicola playing a breathless game of tag. Anne had watched them until the other two had forced her to join in. The game had degenerated into a furious snow fight before they'd all collapsed on a park bench. Eddie had piggybacked Nicola half the way home, Anne the other half. It would have been relaxing if Anne hadn't spent her time with one eye on the trees around the park, hand resting on the wand that never left her these days. That was half the reason she had been "in" so much during the game of tag.

When she entered Hogwarts, she could feel her shoulders loosen. Mai, Gabby and Sarah were there to greet her and Ellie. They swept them along to the Hufflepuff common room and a roaring fire.

"I wish the holidays were longer," Ellie complained as she lowered herself onto a couch. "It seemed like they were barely started and now we're back at school."

"And we know the teachers'll be on our backs with OWLs in less than six months," Sarah added gloomily from her armchair.

Gabby shrugged. "At least we had two weeks. And did you hear what happened? Helen Thompson and Brian -"

Anne leant over to Mai, who was sitting on the floor with her head against the arm of the couch Anne, Gabby and Ellie were sharing. Mai's face was shadowed.

"Mai, are you okay?"

"My parents want to move back to Vietnam." She said it flatly. Gabby's exited rendition of the latest gossip cut off short.

"What?" Gabby spluttered. "But - but why? Your sister just started here this year, and -"

"Why do you think, Gabby?" Ellie's voice was sarcastic. "Didn't you read the papers over the holidays?"

"Will you and Peggy have to leave Hogwarts?" Sarah asked, leaning over to touch Mai's shoulder.

"No." Mai leaned her head back against the couch arm, closing her eyes. The firelight was playing on her golden skin. "Peggy and I can stay, we were born in England. For the rest of the year, at least."

"I can understand why they'd do that," Sarah said. "With the way things are now, who wouldn't leave if they had the chance?"

"I'd send my family somewhere safe, if I could," Anne admitted.

"Yes, but they're Muggles, they can't protect themselves." Gabby tossed her long chestnut hair over her shoulder. "Honestly, if everyone runs away, how are we going to fight You-Know-Who? We can't be that silly. We have to stick together."

"Silly." Ellie spat the word. "People are dying, Gabby, they're dying every week! There are some things that some of us just can't fight! There's no shame in being afraid of that!" She bowed her head and clenched her hands in her lap. Anne moved a little closer to her.

"Don't you remember Rahim Hussain, Gabby? Slytherin, in your Muggle Studies class?" Sarah asked. "He died in the summer. There's no magic that can keep us all safe."

"Well - yes - I know - but they're not going to attack us," Gabby said. "We're just - what have we done? I mean if we were like some of those Gryffindors, or we were Muggle-born, we might be in danger but they're never going to touch ordinary people like us. Rahim's dad was Muggle-born. That's all."

"Anne is Muggle-born, our friend, or hadn't you noticed?" Mai shot back, but Anne ignored the argument. She was watching Ellie, whose shoulders had begun to shake.

"Ellie. Did someone you know get hurt?" she asked gently.

Ellie nodded, but didn't look up. Anne put her arm around Ellie's shoulders. The other girl was much taller, but she turned convulsively into Anne's hug.

"My aunt," she whispered. "She was having dinner with friends and they tortured her and they killed her. Just because she was there. Her dad got killed last time and now she's dead and they never did anything, Anne! I hate them, all of those Death Eaters and Slytherins, they killed her for nothing..." She broke down into quiet sobs. Anne rested her head on Ellie's shoulder, muttering soothing words. Mai and Gabby were having a full-scale sniping match. Sarah's voice snapped out above them.

"Shut up, you two, can't you see Ellie's crying?"

Anne didn't move. She stared into the flickering flame and shadows of the fireplace, holding Ellie while she cried.

Ordinary people...Death Eaters and Slytherins...oh, Gabby, if only it were that easy.

***

She said as much to Theo when they were leaving the DA meeting that Thursday. They'd been trying something new, this time: Harry Potter had got Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom to fight a duel in front of the whole group, and then they'd talked about what the pair had done right and wrong. It had been surprisingly instructive, although Anne didn't think Hermione had enjoyed having her performance "constructively criticised." Neville Longbottom was humble enough to take it in the fashion that it was meant.

"People still don't want to see that this war can hurt them," Anne said to Theo in frustration. "My friend Gabby says that of course she's going to be all right, because why would the Dark Lord attack "ordinary" people? It's like it's a movie, or a book, to her. She doesn't believe it's real. Her neighbours died last summer, but it still isn't real."

"Of course they don't want to believe it," Theo sighed. He nodded to Ernie Macmillan as they passed him. "It's like when you were little; you were afraid of the monsters under the bed, but it was all right in the end, because your parents could always scare the monsters away. The people who haven't had family and friends hurt still think the Dark Lord and his followers aren't more than that."

"But how can you?" Anne gestured in sheer frustration. "How can you see the Dark Mark above someone's home, or know people you've known all your life are dead - dead for no reason - and not be scared or worried?"

They were standing at the top of the stairs, now; Zachariah Smith sneered at them as he brushed past. Theo and Anne both ignored him.

"Because you're Muggle-born," Theo told her, drawing her aside out of the way. "This war is about your right to be here. For someone like your friend Gabby - she's a pure-blood, is she?"

Anne nodded.

"This war doesn't touch her until it kills her or her family. Even if she thinks it's wrong, she probably believes no one can hurt her unless she married a Muggle, or something. She's an ordinary witch, after all." He smiled bitterly.

"It's not that simple," Anne burst out. "If it was that simple, you wouldn't be here!"

"No, I wouldn't." He picked up her hand and squeezed it. "But the Dark Lord doesn't give you third options. You're for him or against him."

Anne clung to his hand tightly. It was warm and secure.

"You know what's ironic?" she mumbled. "The first person who said that was Jesus. 'Who is not with me is against me.' "

"That is irony." Theo closed his eyes for a moment. He looked tired, Anne thought; and younger, somehow. "I'm so glad to be back here."

"No more pretending?"

"Less, at least." He opened his eyes again, looking down at her. "Don't - don't worry about things you can't change, Anne."

"I'll try." She managed to smile up at him, but that faded somewhat when she heard Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown's giggling as they went past. This wasn't the place for deep and meaningful conversations with Theo. "See you on Saturday." She pressed his hand once, and left.

Hannah Abbott gave her an "I told you so" look when she passed her on the stairs. Anne ignored her.