The Pensieve of Bellatrix Black

Bellatrix is seventeen. She's just finished her last term at Hogwarts, and decided it is high time that she arrange to be married to Tom Riddle. She apparates to the hideout she knows Tom Riddle stays in. What Bellatrix doesn't know, however, is that Severus Snape is currently there as well. As she approaches, there are a series of quick banishments of maps and plans, and a dark haired man with sallow skin rushes into an adjacent room to hide and wait.

The path looks as worn as it always does, as if there were many comings-and-goings at the little cottage every day. Bellatrix knows it is just a disillusionment spell to hide the true happenings in the middle of the forest. She cautiously walks up the steps, trying to prepare what it is she'll say. She debates just walking through the door. He already knows I'm here anyway. Normally I ring the door bell. But I've graduated. I'm an adult. I can just walk in on the man I'm about to marry, can't I? With a quick decisive shove, she opens the door and steps in. Tom is hurrying through a doorway into the entry room, looking a bit disheveled.

"Bella. What a nice surprise. How comforting it is to see you can make yourself at home." So caught up in her ferocious planning of speech, she misses any hint of sarcasm.

"Thanks Tom. I just had to stop by- can we talk?"

"Bella, you can always talk to me."

"Great. I've graduated now, and I've been thinking about, erm... where I'll live now that I won't be at Hogwarts."

"Well, we could always use more people planted near the Ministry, and of course keeping an eye on St. Mungo's."

"Actually, Tom, what I had in mind was something a bit more personal." He looked at her as if he had just heard a completely incomprehensible foreign word and was expected to understand it. Thinking his silence was a cue to keep going, Bella charged clumsily on, pouring her heart out with more honesty than she had shown anyone but her sister Narcissa. "I know you have strong feelings for me. Ever since our family Yule Ball, well, I could just tell. It's so wonderful isn't it? I mean, if I married you then that would be a legitimate reason not to marry Lestrange, wouldn't it? I could help you. I've been helping you and I will always help you. You are my cause. I will follow no matter what you choose to do. I will kill for you. I will die for you. I will never leave your side if you so wish. Just let me be the wife of yours that I have dreamt of being for the last six months." Summoning all her Pure Blood courage, she walked right up to the only man that she had ever loved, and kissed him. A furious storm of emotions overtook her: surprise that she had actually done it; ecstasy because she was kissing the man of her dreams; doubt because there was something wrong. He's not kissing me back she realized with a start. Pulling away her eyes searched for is, silently asking him what was wrong.

"You don't want to do that, Bella"

Maybe he just doesn't understand how deep her feelings go. Did he not know she'd been waiting to kiss him since they met?

"Don't you understand? I lov-"

He cuts in, "I know Bella. I've always known. But I don't love anyone. There is only the great unending power of the Dark Arts in my heart. It consumes and leaves no room for anything else. But what it lets me achieve- I couldn't trade that for anything. No one would be important enough to make me give up the Dark Magic that is my very reason for living."

"But you always- you were always just so.... Everyone thought you liked me. Even my mother was convinced at one point! She said my marrying a half-blood wouldn't be so bad if it were you! And that night, on the balcony- how could you say that and not feel anything?"

"I needed followers. I needed information. You were at Hogwarts and thus close to Dumbledore. I needed you to be my contact to the students, to make them stay on after they graduated."

"You needed someone. But you didn't need me."

"I didn't need you."

She slaps him. "I was only seventeen years old and you seduced me without a second thought! How could you?"

"Dammit Bellatrix! Don't you see what I'm trying to do here? You're so caught up with me that you forgot what the goal was in the first place! Whatever happened to the noble cause you so eloquently described to me at your Yule Ball? I was listening Bella. I might have had ulterior motives, but I was impressed with your dedication. It wasn't dedication to me. It was dedication to our race. You saw the endless possibilities for a pure blooded Wizarding world. You wanted to siphon off the influence of muggles in our magical world. You've lost that fervor, Bellatrix. You're wending down a path that will lead you no where. Your only future with me is to become a Death Eater. I love no one and I am friends with no one. I have followers and servants, but I know no equals. I can't weaken myself and jeopardize all that we've worked for by giving into a girlish fantasy. You have to understand. I will gladly accept your service, but your love for me will only ever meet rejection."

Reality hit her like a bludger to the stomach. She suddenly felt queasy, as if she'd never be able to walk more then two steps at a time. Her insides were churning around in a vat of acid that would unceasingly destroy her body and her heart. What was most painful was the understanding that was growing in her mind. All the subtle signs that she had been receiving: nothing too obvious, but in hindsight, showing her that Tom had never felt anything. It was in that moment that Bellatrix Black became an adult. She realized that her own well-being meant nothing. It was the survival of the cause that had brought Tom and her together that would rip them apart and bind them forever. She would continue with her oath and be a Death Eater. It was the only thing to do now. There was no turning back.

"Marry Rodolphus." The menial command brought her jarringly back into the present.

"What?"

"Marry Rodolphus Lestrange. He'll be good for you. He's already arranged to take the oath. You two can work together to continue infiltrating and helping me gain power." As much as it pained her to think it, Rodolphus was a better choice. His blood line was unquestionably pure, and he was wealthy enough that she would never have to work. They shared a common bond as well. They could both be Death Eaters and would respect the danger each would be in.

"Fine. I'll take it as an order. I also want you to know that I will be the wife for Rodolphus that I would have been for you. Also, I refuse to bear him any children. I will love him and I will be at his side, but I will not carry on his blood line. If my children won't be yours, then I won't have any at all. Goodbye, Tom. For now I'll arrange all my contacts from school and make lists of those I think will be helpful, and those I think will be troublesome."

"Thank you, Bella."

"It is my duty, Dark Lord." She turned and walked out with a sour taste on her lips. He had vowed to never call her Bellatrix, yet he had done, twice. She had vowed to never call him the Dark Lord. Things had changed, though. He was no longer a suitor, and she would be engaged to Rodolphus by next week. She had to hide her personal attachment to Riddle if she was ever going to survive without his love. She starts down the path, thinking fiercely, her heart a bleeding wound of confusion and emptiness.

As she was walking, she realizes that maybe there might be one more chance. Maybe, we could get married, just as a public thing, she thought wildly. I could still be his wife, but he wouldn't have to do anything- just make it look like we were married!

She hurries back to the cottage, where she overhears a conversation through the door. Severus Snape is chatting away with Tom. Snape had been there the whole time- they had been talking when I had rushed in earlier! Bellatrix's thoughts were full of rage as she thought, incredulously, He didn't let anybody in? What was this? He refused a young beautiful woman who was absolutely devoted to him, and he accepted this ugly, horrible young man who showed no allegiance to anyone? It was Snape! He was bitter about not being able to marry Cissy, wasn't he? So he decided to come in and ruin my life as well, did he? He was bitter about his failed relationship with my sister, so he seeked out to ruin mine by convincing Tom he couldn't love anyone! What a fucking half blood BASTARD! I don't care how much my sister might have adored him. He's a horrible, horrible man and I will hate Severus Snape for the rest of my life!

With rage fueling her steps, she walked down the path and then disapparated back into her family's home. She rushed right up the stairs to her room, not noticing if anyone had seen her. At that point she didn't care. Tom Riddle's actions were irreparable. She loved him with all that she was, but knew that the future ahead of her would be an unending stream of torture and pain. It was something she accepted because she had to. It was something unpleasant and sickening, but it was the path she had chosen.