Silent All These Years

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Chapter 2: Dirty Little Secret

If I had the chance, love
I would not hesitate
To tell you all things I never said before
Don't tell me its too late
'Cause I've relied on my illusion
to keep me warm at night
and I've denied in my capacity to love
but I am willing to give up this fight

Been up all night drinking to drown my sorrows down
But nothing seems to help me since you've gone away
I'm so tired of this town where every tongue is wagging
When every back is turned
They're telling secrets that should never be revealed
There's nothing to be gained from this but disaster

Here's a good one
Did you hear about my friend
He's embarrassed to be seen now
'Cause we all know his sins

If I had the chance, love
I would not hesitate
To tell you all things I never said before
Don't tell me its too late
'Cause I've relied on my illusion
to keep me warm at night
and I've denied in my capacity to love
But I am willing to give up this fight
Oh I am willing to give up this fight

Petunia felt indescribable as she floated about amid a horizonless eternity containing infinite nothingness. There was a slight breeze blowing gently against her face, kissing her skin with warmth. Nothing but clear, light blue skies and puffy, white clouds surrounded her for miles in every direction. She felt too good to question where she was. Strangely, she didn't even want to analyze the fact that she seemed to be hovering in the sky far from anything remotely resembling Earth and civilization. It just seemed natural to be suspended in midair in the midst of emptiness as if she'd done it her entire life. Finally, she was free! Free from the bothersome demands of being a wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, laundress... and aunt and sister...

Harry and Lily.

In a split second, the blue sky darkened until it was black and the white clouds disappeared. In the blink of an eye, night had abruptly seized the sky and robbed her of the immense happiness she'd briefly experienced, replacing it with seeds of misery, despair, sorrow, anger, fear, worry... It felt as though all her ecstasy had been swallowed up by the blackness that had now engulfed her.

Then she began to fall.

Rapidly, she plunged downward toward the eternal abyss below her causing the pit of her stomach to lurch and tickle. As hard as she tried to breathe, she could only manage a few, abbreviated breaths. It seemed that her lungs had shut down as well as the rest of her body. She couldn't blink or move her limbs. Were her eyes even open??? Was she in her body??? In this darkness, she could find no answers. Reality and illusion had fused together and her brain couldn't tear them apart.

As she descended at a rate which normally would've killed any living being, she braced herself for her ultimate death when she heard that voice in her head again. Never before had she been so pleased to hear it! Calmly and softly, it talked to her, Think of something happy.

Petunia didn't think twice and put forth as much effort as she could muster to think happy thoughts. Her once blank mind now filled itself with colorful scenes of times long passed. Quickly, she tried to find a happy memory and in her mind appeared a memory of her wedding day. She could hear the music playing faintly in the background as she walked down the aisle towards a younger Vernon. He was in his black tuxedo standing with the priest who was fixed in front of the altar, waiting to join the young couple in marriage. Amazingly, she could even recall the various thoughts that were shooting through her head as she walked passed the many pews.

She kept falling.

With haste, she cast that memory from her mind, and attempted to focus on another. As difficult as it was, Petunia knew that she'd better think of something fast as this endless tunnel of darkness couldn't go on forever, could it? Slowly, a memory came to her. She recognized herself wearing a dampened white gown lying in a hospital bed with a plump, bald baby laying loosely in her arms. The look on her face in the memory puzzled her, for no smile or look of adulation graced her weary face, only tears. While most mothers hold their new babies near their hearts upon being united outside of the womb, her new lad still lay where the doctor had placed him on her belly. With all her might, she concentrated on this one memory, hoping that it would be the one to save her from impending doom. However, when she failed to stop her descent, she decided that she'd better think harder, although she didn't know what would be classified as being a "happy thought".

Several memories flashed her mind... of Vernon, Dudley, of her Ladies' Tea Society, her Homemakers' Club, her parents. And then quite unexpectedly, she saw a familiar pair of green eyes that belonged to only two people that she knew of. In that instant, she felt something grab her hand and clasp it firmly. She knew it was a human hand for she could feel thin fingers, but they were so deathly cold. It was as if she was grasping a hand made of solid ice.

Her breathing was erratic and she tried to calm herself by taking a few deep breaths. She was curious as to what saved her. Darkness still cloaked her surroundings, and when she looked up to see what had caught hold of her, she gasped in fright when she saw nothing. There was nothing there, but yet she felt a hand gripping hers! Then something resembling two miniscule swirls stirred in the distance, just above where her hand was suspended in the air. In a few seconds, the swirls became two glowing, bright green eyes, followed by a fair face which was promptly fill in by peach colored skin and completed by brilliant red hair...

"Lily!" Petunia whispered in utter shock.

The remaining part of her dead sister's body filled in and Petunia could now see the hand that had saved her from the dark pit that lay beneath waiting for its prey. Lily seemed to be floating as Petunia had done before she'd been thrust into this oblivion. She smiled down at her older sister and Petunia recalled how reassuring Lily's bright, smiling face had been in the most tumultuous of thunderstorms, breakups with boyfriends and general bad days. Being the older sister, she was suppose to be the one that Lily looked up to, not the other way around!

A twinge of jealousy of which Petunia was all too well acquainted with washed over her body. For the first time since before Lily's death, she felt as though her body were afire, fueled by her well-preserved hatred. Her skin burned and she could feel the heat rising from within. Feelings that she hadn't felt in years, that had laid dormant, now had awakened and were on the defense.

Surprisingly, she felt Lily's hand begin to melt, but she wasn't even scared. A worried looked crossed her auburn haired sister's face and panicking she said, "Come on, Petunia, let me help you!"

Echoes trailed her anxious words, but they only served to heightened Petunia's hostility. Narrowing her eyes in utter contempt, she spat each word in utmost rancor, "Never! You've helped me enough by dumping that son of yours on me!"

The hand melted a little more now and she could feel the water drip down her arm and into her sleeve. Astonishingly, before her eyes, Lily shrank into her child-self, just the way Petunia had remembered her the day she'd saved her from that frightful fall from the tree. This antagonized Petunia even further. She was so consumed with animosity that there was no room left for fear.

Once again, Lily pleaded with her sister, but now it sounded childlike and innocent, "Please, Petunia! Climb up, hurry!"

Looking up at Lily's little cherubic, pained face with deep disgust, she screamed, "NEVER!! LET GO OF MY HAND!!"

But Lily didn't let go, though her hand had almost totally melted away. Reaching up, Petunia attempted to pry her hand out of her sister's without success. It was as if they were glued together. Damn, Lily! It was like all those other times she'd try to "come to the rescue" when they were little! Couldn't she ever keep to her own business! All those horrid memories of times past came rushing back uncontrollably into Petunia's conscious, one after another.

What was left of the icy hand let go, and Petunia's fingers slipped out of it's grasp. Once again, she was at the behest of the unknown. She fell further and further away and eventually, Lily disappeared from sight. In a matter of seconds, she felt her head collide with something. Enormous pain shot through her body.

Petunia awoke, feeling like she'd just crashed into her body. Flinging open her eyes, she was thankful to discover that she was laying on the couch in her living room. There was no sound but the ticking of the clock that hung on the wall just above her. She was almost relieved to find herself in her own house except that she was laying on her nice clean couch in her dirty clothes. Inwardly she cringed. Oh, well, something else to do later, she thought to herself.

But wait a minute, I was suppose to be cleaning something else... What was I suppose to be cleaning?

Thoughts were muddled in her head and any coherency was lost to confusion. Trying to form one lucid thought was painful, just like her throbbing head. It felt as though she'd been bludgeoned. Her head hurt so much that she could feel it pulsating onto the pillow she lay on. What happened to me? Surely it was just a dream! The pain seemed to worsen the more she thought. She would've been content to lay for the rest of the evening on the couch except that she couldn't stand wearing such dirty clothes and having them so close to her couch.

Slowly, she raised up and at once felt lightheaded. Closing her eyes, she fervently hoped that the world around her would stop swirling long enough so that she could get upstairs to her bedroom and change clothes. Then she'd crawl into bed and sleep soundly until tomorrow morning. It sounded like a good plan to her, but the fact remained that she had a dirty kitchen floor to clean.

Petunia sighed, triggering more pain from her head. Cleaning was not a duty to be shirked because dirt and garbage tended to multiply if left for too long. Tediously, she put her right foot on the floor, followed by the left. Little by little, she lifted herself off the couch and that's when her focus blurred. Was she spinning or was it the room? Holding on dearly to whatever was in her path, she miraculously made her way into the kitchen. Even through her contorted vision, she was dumbfounded to find that there was not a trace of dirt to be found on the floor.

Something wasn't right. What was she forgetting? Had she cleaned the dirt up and forgotten doing it?? Why was her head hurting?? It was if she'd hit her head... But that was just a dream! Dreams aren't real! She couldn't remember laying down for a nap, either. It was strange that she'd lay down in the middle of the day to rest. Naps were not her forte, they were reserved for the slothful. Why couldn't she recall anything??

"Yes, I took the liberty of cleaning up your mess. Did you have a nice nap, Mrs. Dursley?" Asked a steady, rich voice from behind her.

Instantly, she regretted spinning around to get a look at the man with the sallow face and black hair. Wincing in great pain, she grabbed her head and groaned. If she hadn't have latched onto the countertop next to her, she would've fallen over. Knowing better, she didn't scream at the sight of him, though if she'd been in a better condition, she would've.

The sharpness in his voice thawed a bit, and only a bit, and was replaced with concern, "Perhaps we should sit down." He started towards her and extended his hand.

Composing herself, she retorted venomously, "Get out of my house!!! You are not welcome here!"

Then she remembered. She'd been scrubbing the floor when he'd appeared out of no where causing her to faint. For almost twenty years, she'd not seen him nor heard about him, and she was glad. He had no business disrupting her life like this! Now, even more than before, she wanted him out of her house!

The frigidity returned to his voice, "There is a reason I have come here. I don't take unwarranted trips to see families of impertinent students unless I am asked by the headmaster. I would appreciate it if you sat down... NOW!"

Undaunted, she refused to back down. Rage filled her body from the depths of her soul. Narrowing her eyes, each word was spat out of her mouth and into the face of the man before her. "I will NOT sit down! I know what you are, you foul, pathetic excuse for a man!! Are you still killing and torturing mudbloods??"

For a second, a saddened expression crossed his face but then was overshadowed by fierceness matching her own, yet his voice remained even holed by rare emotion. "You need not speak of things of which you know nothing about!"

Screaming, she retorted, "I know enough! Enough that I never wanted anything else to do with your nasty world! Now get out!"

"Petunia..." he growled.

If possible, her glare intensified. "Don't call me that! It's Mrs. Dursley to you! I'm married now."

He put his hands behind his back and took a step closer to where she was standing, his eyes fixed intently upon her face. Petunia couldn't tell if he was reading her or if it was merely just another expression he frequently donned when addressing others. Twenty years ago she could've deciphered his look, but now she had only fleeting memories of the reasoning behind a curled lip or a creased forehead. They used to read each other so well. From across a crowded room, all she had to do was merely catch a glimpse of his cryptic face and she would be able to read his most complicated thoughts. He could do the same with her. They never had to utter a single word. So, how could she have so grossly misinterpreted him?? How did she not know what he was capable of?? How could she not foresee that he would join the Death Eaters??

At that moment, she was many years away from the present. Not even realizing what she was saying, she whispered, "Why...?"

"Excuse me?"

She snapped back to reality to see him staring questioningly at her. Flustered and angry, she said, "State your business and get out!"

"It's not as simple as that," he sneered gloatingly. He appeared proud that he had unnerved her so well. However, she was not one that would beaten.

"I suggest you make it simple! What would I do if the neighbors saw you here in my house?!" It had only just struck her that any one of her neighbors could be watching them through her open windows at this very minute. Struggling with her aching head and dizziness, she made her way to the nearest window and roughly jerked the curtains together. She scurried along every wall in the room and did the same to each window. As she moved about, her headache was forgotten.

When she pulled the last one to, she told him, "Out with it!"

"Gladly," he snarled. "It seems that the headmaster thinks that after the events of last year, Potter needs to someone to watch him more closely. He doesn't think that his mother's charm will be enough to protect him now since the Death Eaters have escaped Azkaban and rejoined the resurrected Dark Lord. So, he sent me here to keep watch and make sure that Potter doesn't do anything stupid, Of course, I find it hard to imagine him not doing anything fraught with stupidity."

"Wait a minute," Petunia interrupted impatiently. She strode from the other side of the room to stand in front of him. "You mean to tell me that a Death Eater is working for the headmaster of Hogwarts??" She laughed heartily. "So, the Death Eaters escaped Azkaban? How did it feel to see your old friends again?"

He raised his voice in anger. "You don't know half the things of which you speak! That was twenty years ago! If you'd stayed around long enough, Petunia, you would've discovered..."

She cut him off, yelling, "You are not permitted to call by that anymore, Severus Snape! You will call me Mrs. Dursley! I am married and have a son!"

"Believe me, I am well aware of that fact, Mrs. Dursley! I know what day you were married and I even know the day your son was born! Don't think that I had not put aside my pride and begged Albus Dumbledore to choose someone else to send here instead of me!

"Don't think for a minute, Mrs. Dursley, that you ever hurt any more than I did!"

"You should've told me," she hissed bitterly.

"You should've trusted me," he barked back through clenched teeth.

"How could you ask me to trust you when your leader killed my sister? Do you know how hard it's been to raise that son of hers??"

"I can only imagine. If he's as useless and arrogant at home as he is at school then you have my deepest sympathies."

She didn't answer that. So, the Death Eaters have fled from Azkaban and they've rejoined their master... No wonder Harry had been withdrawn and sullen all summer. Guilt crept up into her conscious at the mere thought of her nephew and his words, "You know, I don't hate Uncle Vernon or even Dudley as much as I hate you! You know why?! Because you were suppose to love me and want me! You are my aunt! My mother's sister!" Perhaps she shouldn't have been so harsh with him and sent him out of the house they way she did. However, she was glad that Harry hadn't heard her Severus's conversation. For years, she'd lived as though she had no part of her sister's world. How would she explain to Harry that she was more acquainted with that "other" world than she had previously let on?

"How long are you planning to stay?" she asked suspiciously.

"Until school resumes in late summer."

That was a month and a half away! What would Vernon think to come home and find this wretched man here?? And how about her Dudley?? She didn't want him to see this man every waking moment until he went off to school! And what if Severus let it "slip" that they'd known each other years ago? Vernon would have a fit! Oh, God, what if the neighbors found out?? Nobody knew that her sister had been a witch or that her nephew was a wizard.

"Can't you take him to Hogwarts? Surely he would be protected there." She said dryly.

"There is no one presently at Hogwarts and I am not going to be his caretaker and, therefore, be solely responsible for him each and every day until September 1st. I believe that is your job." He smirked.

"Well, Vernon is not going to be happy about this and I can't have you upsetting my son! I won't allow it!"

"You don't have a choice," he said in a smooth, taunting voice.

Petunia knew he was right. What could she do? She'd just have to wait for Vernon to come home and deal with the matter. It was clear that nothing she said was going to make him leave. In the mean time, she'd do her best to ignore him. It wouldn't be hard. Hopefully, he'd refrain from mentioning anything about the past as it was a long time ago and much had changed. She'd gone on with her life and perhaps he had, too, although there was a part of her deep inside that hoped that he'd suffered things worse than death all these years. There was no room in her life to dwell on the past as she had a loving husband, an adorable, handsome boy who looked every bit like his father and a nice house in a pleasant neighborhood, but seeing Severus again awakened a tiny part of her that once belonged to him and would always await his return. She promised herself that no matter what she would not betray herself to the emotions and feelings that had flooded her heart twenty years ago. This was a man that had deceived her and he as good as killed her sister, even if it wasn't him who actually did it.

Her head was once again her primary focus when the pain became even more excruciating than before. Walking passed Severus, she went to look for some aspirin in the kitchen cupboard where she kept the medicine. Opening the small bottle, she shook it until three tablets fell into her hand. Popping the tablets in her mouth, she went to the refrigerator and retrieved a bottled water with which she washed the tablets down.

"Headache?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Why do you care?"

"Your fall was most unpleasant..."

Cutting him off, she replied angrily, "Don't worry about it."

"Believe me, Mrs. Dursley, I wasn't intending to make it a matter of personal concern," he shot back. "But if I may ask, where exactly is Potter? I've been here several hours already and have seen no sign of him? Surely, you haven't killed him, yet? That wouldn't sit well with the Minister of Magic."

Petunia's eyes widened. In a hushed voice she rebuked him furiously, "Don't you dare speak that word in my house! And especially don't say it around my husband and son! As for Harry, I don't know where he is. I sent him out of the house this morning."

A look of alarm appeared suddenly on Severus's face. "You sent him out?! Why did you do an idiotic thing like that?! Do you realize that there are Death Eaters out there looking for him?!"

Crossing her arms, Petunia glowered at him. "You mean, other than the one in my house at this moment insulting me?! The headmaster told Vernon and me when we took him in that no one would find out where he lived. How was I suppose to know that it had stopped working!?"

Severus was growing impatient. "It hasn't stopped working, but the Dark Lord and his followers are well-schooled in magic so dark, that even the magic of the best, most brilliant of wizards does not stand a chance against it."

"Isn't it fitting, then, that you were sent to watch over Harry?" she asked sarcastically, "How do I know that you're not the Death Eater elected to finish him off?! The headmaster may trust you now, but I certainly don't!"

"Can't you make an intelligent decision for once and leave the past in the past?!"

Hurtful tears welled up in her blue eyes and threatened to fall. Livid and upset, she exclaimed, "I tried! I married Vernon, I had our son and everything was wonderful and grand until I opened the front door one morning to find a baby laying on my doorstep! Not just any baby, either, it was my witch sister's baby! Everything that I ever tried to forget came back to smack me in the face that day and I've had to face it everyday since then! All the normality and stability that I could ever ask for, Vernon gave it to me and I don't want you here messing it up!"

Severus's eyes were dark and his mouth twitched as if he wanted to say something but was restraining himself. Petunia didn't know why he refrained from speaking until she followed the path of his eyes. Turning around, saw Harry standing the kitchen doorway, not looking the least bit happy.

Oh God,

Petunia prayed earnestly, I hope he didn't hear anything!