Rumored Nervous Breakdown

The morning light filters in through the windows as I wake up more tired than when I went to bed. I must have been crying in my sleep, because the pillows and part of the sheet seem to be soaking wet. I cannot live though the same pain I endured with Aggie. My existence is just a burden on everyone else around me. Maybe, Dolores is right about me.

I wonder if I will be able to make it to the funeral. Do I really want to go? I missed Aggie's funeral, and I regretted it. What will Rupert's family say to the woman who put their loved one in the line of fire? Should I go, then finish myself off afterwards?

Poppy comes in to give me my medication and breakfast. I am afraid to eat, because I doubt I can hold anything down. Anytime she asks me a question, I answer in terms of yes or no out of fear that I will break down crying again. I can't stand the fact I am so weak. Aurors are expected to be tough and stable, but I am neither of those. I just roll over on my side, resigned to my fate.

The normal flow of students and staff comes and goes during most of the morning. There is the odd retching of students who have some sort of stomach ailment or the nasty effects of a spell gone awry.

I wake again to a conversation taking place just outside the partition to my cubicle. I recognize the anxious tone of Minerva's voice.

"Poppy, when do you think Nell will be up to receive visitors? I just can't let her lie there alone."

"Nell was up most of the night crying. She dropped off to sleep later this morning after picking at her breakfast," Poppy says as I open my eyes to see the door slightly ajar. "I had to chase Dolores out of here. She went on endlessly about being concerned with this tragedy in the community." She gives a snort of impatience as she continues with, "The last thing Nell needs is to have Dolores questioning her right now. She brought the inspector from the Floo Regulatory department, but I made them leave."

"I don't know why the inspectors even bother. Young Mr. Copperbottom told them that Nell will probably have no memory from the incident due to shock and a lack of oxygen," Minerva says through her teeth. "There's something you aren't telling me, are you?"

"Her physical and mental state is so fragile right now. Any amount of stress could overwhelm her body. A couple of times I have walked in to her having some sort of mini-seizures in her sleep," Poppy explains. "Minerva, we can only keep her sedated for so long, and eventually she will have to deal with her feelings."

"You don't think she might try to kill herself for a third time, do you?" she inquires.

"I wonder if we may need to send her back to St. Mungo's for her own safety. I think she will try suicide this time. We know what happened after poor Agatha Prewitt's funeral, and I can see her trying again. With the past failed attempts, I am worried she might have learned from her mistakes." I have never heard Poppy sound so disappointed in me.

"Then I hate for it to come down to this; however, several staff members are going through her rooms to look for anything she might have hidden. Filius knows the signs of most concealment charms," Minerva says resignedly. "I want to keep her wand away from her."

I feel like I am back in the nightmare of last night. I am trapped and utterly defenseless with people pointing out what a failure I am.

"I have taken some precautions with her medication. I have it locked up, and I only bring enough in for a single dose. We need to make it clear to the staff anything brought into this room must go through me. I have put an anti-shatter charm on anything breakable in her reach," Poppy says, moving away from the staff section with Minerva.

I can only sit here as people watch me like a specimen at the London Zoo. The only thing I am lacking is a cage. My despair only makes me more resolved to take control of my own destiny.

From the sound of the bell, I can tell it is close to the evening meal. There is a light knock at the door and in strides Pomona with a bouquet of flowers, no doubt in a shatter proof vase. Her presence reminds me sharply of Rupert, because she is head of his former house. Couldn't they have picked someone else? It's like rubbing salt into an open wound.

To make things even worse, Minerva shows up a few minutes behind her. The best I can do is smile, nod in the right places, and remember to say thank you. I learned that one the last time I tried to kill myself, and it put most of my friends and family off track. I just hope Minerva and Poppy were not paying too close attention to that seminar on suicide many years ago.

After they leave, I start coming up with scenarios on how to end the pain. I hate to break it to them, I won't have the bullocks to slash myself with any sort of instrument. That would be too messy to clean up. There is some doubt in my mind as to my ability to jump off of one of the towers. I would probably have a heart attack in attempt to climb the stairs. I don't want to be a further burden on anyone else. I just want to fall asleep so it will all go away. I have come to a decision, I am going to wait until after the funeral to do it. I will be away from the school, affording me time alone to carry out my plans. I am going to make sure they let me go.

Poppy comes in to give me my evening medication. I am asking the burning question, because I know she is the main obstacle for my journey to the service.

"Poppy, can I ask you something?" I inquire. "I want to attend the funeral on Wednesday."

"Nell, I don't know if you will be up to it," she informs me sternly. "You are still very ill, and I am worried leaving bed too soon will over tax your system."

"Poppy, that is not fair," I retort tearfully in frustration. "I wasn't able to say good-bye at Aggie's funeral, because I was not conscious. Please let me go." It is so painful to ask her for this. "I need to attend and say..." Saying my farewells to him just makes it too real, and I find myself sobbing.

I barely notice someone else has walked into the room; it is Minerva again. Her voice sounds rather distant, but I realize that she is holding me tightly, rocking me back and forth. It should be my parents or Rupert here to comfort me. The thought makes me cry even harder. A few moments later, I see a hand with a glass in it, and I am coaxed into drinking it. There is another second of agony, and then the huge weight of grief is quickly lifted. I am absolutely exhausted.

I go limp as someone says, "Now, that's better." Whoever it is lets me slide back down on the mattress. I cling desperately on to consciousness, because I haven't finished what I want to say. "We have to let her go, Poppy," Minerva says. Her voice echoes as everything blissfully melts away.

Poppy wakes me this morning, and I realize it is Wednesday, because she has my best black robes and favorite shoes in her hand. She gives a sympathetic look as she walks me over to the bathroom so I am able to clean up a bit. I know she is not happy about letting me go; however, I need to say good-bye to Rupert.

Last night, I learned that Pomona would be taking me with Dolores tagging along. This is the only way Dolores would allow any of us to attend the funeral. I think it is a travesty she would attempt to defile Rupert's memory by even showing up.

It is time to leave, but I have asked about going to my office to pick up one item: a feather quill. I thought long and hard about this. Rupert's parents have asked for no flowers at the service, but I cannot go there empty-handed. This simple object has intertwined our lives together. It is still a paltry repayment for his sacrifice on my part. The guilt is just eating away at me.

I have not totally forgotten my plans for when I come home from the funeral. Over the past few days, I have not been able to gain access to something to end my pain forever. My fortune turns as I find a bottle of medication hidden in a compartment in my desk. Dolores has inadvertently assisted in my plans by picking an argument with Pomona about a student's future plans to be an Auror. I slip the bottle cautiously into a pocket on the inside of my robes where my wand normally stays. I feel so defenseless without my wand, but the bottle gives me a bit of confidence. At least I am in control of my fate.

We have Flooed to a small chapel outside of a picturesque village on the coast. I feel like an intruder as we walk into the church yard. I see a crypt near the trees with the name 'Osgood' on the door. It is just like the building in my dream. I don't think I can walk into the church to Rupert's coffin. Will he sit up and point out my failures and betrayal? My fear is so intense, I can feel my heart beating erratically.

When we have made it into the vestibule, Rupert's mother greets me with a strained smile. I have only seen her in photos, smiling and laughing at the camera. Now, she looks ashen and tired. Prudence Osgood seems to have aged a century in a matter of days. Rupert favors her so much in the face. It is hard to look her in the eye.

Prudence is cut off by Dolores as she reaches for Pomona's hand. "Prudence, this is all so tragic. I wish to express my condolences on behalf of the Ministry and school." Dolores has adopted the same sappy smile she reserves for photos in the Prophet. "I know he was such a dedicated lawyer and friend to our little Eleanor here." She puts her arm around me. I jerk away from her angrily and stare at her coldly.

"Eleanor, if you and Pomona could please join me for the private viewing, I would greatly appreciate it," Prudence Osgood says. Dolores takes the lead of going through the door, but she is stopped by Rupert's father.

"Madam Umbridge, I am afraid this is for family and close family friends." There is a flash of anger in his eyes. "You can wait outside with the rest of the guests," Rupert's father tells Dolores while holding the door shut.

Dolores looks a bit scandalized by this rebuff, and she tries to insert herself into the group headed to the viewing. "I wish to be here to support my staff." She has a false look of sympathy on her face.

"You may show your support outside. Now, if you will excuse us, we need to be able to grieve in peace," Rupert's father says sternly with the same glint as his son when serving that restraining order last winter.

We enter a small room with Rupert's silver casket sitting at the end. I don't want to look at him. It makes his death real.

"Nell, come along, dear." It's Pomona noticing my inability to move. She puts an arm around me to give a hug of reassurance, but I am embarrassed as my tears fall on her unusually clean robes.

I make it over to the casket with Pomona's help. Rupert looks like he did when falling asleep on my couch just over a week ago. I have this overwhelming urge to kiss him so he would wake up.

Rupert's mother is standing beside me as I say, "You always seem to forget these, and I don't want you to be without it again." Tears are falling down my cheeks when I put the quill in his lifeless hand. "I'm so sorry. It's my fault you are here, because it should have been me."

His mother puts an arm around my shoulder and says, "It's not your fault, dear. This was a horrible chain of events the both of you were caught in."

"Does she know the truth? I just can't come out and ask right now!"

Pomona joins us as we walk away, and she asks, "Why did you give him a feather quill?"

I tearfully answer, "He always forgot to bring them to class. If it weren't for his carelessness, we would have never met." My knees are like jelly, and I find I am leaning heavily on her. Guilt is just eating me up at this point when I tell his parents and Pomona, "It's my fault."

His mother suddenly develops a wry smile. "Eleanor, Rupert's bag had a charm on it so he would quit losing his quills and ink. He found a way to get your attention. That is typical Rupert there."

I make it through the service in one piece, but I feel dizzy and sick. As the doors to the crypt are re-sealed, I wrap my fingers around the warm little bottle in my pocket, knowing that it won't be long now until I see Rupert again.

We have returned by Floo powder to Dolores's office. Pomona is concerned about my ability at walking to the Hospital Wing. Although I have tried to mask the cramps in my chest, it is obvious that I am in pain.

Unfortunately, I run into Ursula on my way to the Hospital Wing, but I am too tired and in too much pain to participate in the conversation. I give her a bit of a brush off, and she walks away in confusion.

The Hospital Wing is deserted this afternoon. My guess is most of the students have been discharged and sent back to class. Poppy walks out of her office to escort me back to bed with Pomona tagging along behind us. I just need a few moments alone to write my letter and be done with it. To avoid suspicion, I walk into my corner of the Hospital Wing and put on my pyjamas as if to take a long nap.

I can't just leave everyone scratching their heads and looking for someone to blame as to why I have killed myself. It seems quite obvious why I am doing this, but do they understand how deeply I am hurt? This goes beyond losing Rupert. My so-called friends have lied to me about what happened with the papers and treated me as if I could no longer make rational decisions. My reputation is completely ruined, I had to send my parents to the other side of the Atlantic, and I can drop dead at any moment. I am tired of the 'pity parties' and sideways glances.

While I am behind the privacy screen in my little cubicle, I can hear the faint sounds of a conversation on the other side of the partition.

"How did it go?" Poppy inquires anxiously.

"She held up very well, but I think this was just a bit much for her right now. Nell just kept telling everyone she was sorry, and this was her fault," Pomona informs her. "I'm really worried about her right now. She didn't say much when we arrived back here even though, I tried to start a conversation with her."

"Nell looked dreadful when she walked through that door. I am a little bit concerned about how much this has taken out of her. Her health is about as frail as her mind is right now."

I settle down on the bed heavily and attempt to determine a course of action. I look around the cubicle to discover a self-inking quill and a book from my bedroom brought up for me a couple of days ago. "The Raven" is so fitting at this moment. Since there is no paper for me to use, I have decided to write the note in my book.

Poppy walks in, takes my pulse and notes that it is very irregular. She takes the book from my lap, placing it carefully on the table.

"You look a bit flushed. Are you in any pain?" she asks me.

"No, I just want a nap," I lie quickly. I need her to leave me alone right now.

She seems a little taken aback with my brief reply. "I'll need to give you something for that heart of yours. It is not good for you to have it racing out of control."

She leaves the room briefly and walks back in carrying a glass with a greenish, opaque substance. It tastes horrible going down my throat. There is a disgusting aftertaste like sour milk. Poppy finally leaves after taking my pulse again; however, she doesn't seem satisfied with the result and leaves the room mumbling Severus's name under her breath.

When Poppy retreats from the door, I carefully draft my letter.

To my Friends and Family,

First of all, no one is to blame for my committing suicide other than myself. This was my decision alone. I have been a burden to everyone around me, and I don't wish to encroach on your lives any longer. I want you to know that I am finally at peace now that I am out of pain.

Rupert's death has been a huge blow to me and I don't think I could carry on much longer without him there. I have lost so many friends due to my own neglect, stupidity, or inability to think things through. Rupert was one of the few people who knew me well and he would listen to me without placating or sanitizing the truth.

Please tell Mum that I do love her, and I feel this is for the best. She needs to live without the constant spectre of her daughter's misfortune causing chaos in her life. May she and my father find a way to forgive me for what I have done.

For disposition of my property, my will is located at Rupert's law office. Arthur Dorrish should have it on file. The changes are recent and are in compliance with new Ministry regulations. Pomona, please take care of Daisy until my parents can be found. She loves her squeaky troll and prefers her bed be placed where she can bask in the sunshine.

Love always,

Eleanor

Whatever Poppy has fed me is making me quite sleepy suddenly, and I cannot keep my eyes open. The book falls to the floor with a dull thud, but I lack the conviction to pick it up. The bottle is just a few feet away in my clothes, hanging on the wall. It might as well be several miles.

I can hear movement in the room, and I have no idea how long I have been asleep. I need to figure out where everybody is, because I don't want anyone coming to my aid in some last bid to save my life like before.

"Eleanor!" a male voice shouts harshly. I recognize the bitter tone of our favorite Potions Master and all-around arse in my ear. "What are you up to? Open your eyes and look at me!"

It takes me a moment to shift gears in my head. I look up at him, and he has my poetry book in his hand. I bolt right up with my head spinning and make a swat at the book.

"You sleazy bastard, give it to me!" I shout at him.

"Planning on doing something stupid again, Eleanor?" he inquires acidly.

"What are you talking about?" I say, attempting to sound innocent.

"This is what I am talking about," he informs me and opens the book to the inside cover that holds my note. "Everyone is caught up in your drama, and all you can do is slap them in the face with this. Eleanor Howard, professional victim, is taking the cowardly way out. We are tired of cleaning up after you!" He gives a huff of anger and continues with, "What are you going to use this time?"

"Get out of here before Poppy comes back, Severus!" I order him loudly. "What I do is my own business."

Severus stalks about the room looking in every corner for what I may use to end my life. He stops suddenly, then pulls at the corner of the sheets on the bed. "Don't even bother trying to hang yourself. Poppy put charms on all the bedding." He moves over to my clothes that are hanging on the peg and checks the pockets of my robes. He pulls out the small bottle of medication, and my heart sinks. "I told Minerva you would find a way to sneak something in. How did you do it? Selfish, cowardly bitch, all you can think of is yourself!" he shouts, Vanishing the bottle in front of me. "You never think of the casualties you leave behind, do you?"

I roll out of bed to stand up, but I over-correct my balance and sway dangerously as I grab the bed frame. "What casualties? I thought you would be happy to get rid of me at last."

He points his finger to the bedside table to draw my attention to a package of get well cards he brought in. "This is from the students in my house only. They labor under the delusion you actually give a damn, especially Stanhope."

I am angry beyond the ability to comprehend the implications of what he has just said. "Don't drag the students into this argument. Just pack me up to be locked away in St. Mungo's. I will go without a fight."

"I am not going to even bother," he spits out. "I have taken away your last avenue for the time being."

I feel dizzy, and Severus's face is changing shape every second. I attempt to collapse onto the mattress; however, I fall forward, hitting my head on the bedside tray. As everything goes dark, I hear my name being called out.

I am back in the churchyard where Rupert was laid to rest. I am absolutely terrified, because I have no idea why I am here. Have I died and this is some kind of purgatory?

I look around to see that I am not alone. Rupert is standing next to the family burial vault with an expression of concern. I wait for him to shout at me like the nightmare I had before the funeral; however, he walks forward to hold me in his arms. I am no longer afraid, because I am finally with him once more.

"Why do you want to kill yourself, Nell?" he inquires, pulling away to give me a lingering kiss.

"I can't go on without you," I tell him through tears. "I have gotten you and Aggie killed. I only cause misery and pain wherever I go. You were one of the few people in my life who truly showed me love, and not just through some act put on out of pity or an attempt to placate me."

"Nell, I have been fighting the Ministry for a long time. I had been poking around for years trying to find out its dirty little secrets. You think I walked into this blindly?"

"So, I was just a way to get information. You didn't love me for who I was?" I inquire, feeling used.

Rupert picks up my chin and says, "I loved you since the first time I saw you in Charms class my second year of school. I'm sorry it took twenty-three years to catch you."

"You always enjoyed the chase, didn't you?" I inquire.

"Nell, you can't come with me now," he tells me and kisses my forehead tenderly. "Who will be there to speak for the children or those deemed as undesirable by the likes of Dolores?"

"I'm so tired of sticking my neck out and others paying the price of my rashness," I sob to him, burying my face in his shoulder.

"You are taking responsibility for situations you cannot control. Aggie didn't rush to confront that Death Eater without understanding the risk. That was her job. I didn't walk blindly into my decision to be there for you. Stop blaming yourself for everything," he whispers.

"I can't take the pain any longer. Everyone is better off without me," I explain.

"You have made some lives better to live. Look at Ursula; she has blossomed, because she found a kindred soul. You were someone who understood what it is like to walk in her shoes." He pulls away from me slightly, and wipes a tear tenderly off my cheek. "Don't leave those poor children on their own with Dolores in charge."

"Why me?" I inquire.

"Why not, Nell. You were always the risk taker, the first off the mark when trying a new and challenging spell, and would stand up for yourself when no one else was there." He has that mischievous spark in his eye. "Nell, do you remember the day I came by to bring you the copies of the receipts?" I can only nod numbly as he continues with, "You could have left with me right then, but you refused, because you were not going to let them win. Now you are faced with the same choice again: To leave with me now, or to return and put up a fight for those you love. Don't turn away from life so quickly to remain with me. I will always be here. Someday, you are going to make someone a wonderful wife and mum. I saw how you would 'mother hen' some of your students." He has a slight grin on his face.

"I would never move on to someone else," I tell him tearfully.

"I want to see you move on and be happy, rather than pining for me the rest of your life. I would never allow myself to be so selfish as to put that on you as a burden. Make your choice wisely." He gives me another lingering kiss and starts to walk away. He stops, turns towards me, and says, "I will always be here if you need me. Nell, they need you more than I do right now. I am safe and at peace." He walks towards the family crypt, disappearing into the shadows.