Rumored Nervous Breakdown

A loud bang followed by the most intense pain in my head takes me away from the refuge of the graveyard and Rupert. My body jerks so hard, it launches several inches into the air, slamming hard back onto the floor.

"Where am I?"

"Eleanor, breathe, you stupid woman," an urgent voice commands me. "When does the drama ever end?" Someone is cradling the back of my head as spasms roll painfully from limb to limb. "Poppy!" he shouts. "Where the hell is she?"

"Where's Rupert? Am I hallucinating that I am back in the Hospital Wing?"

There is a sharp intake of breath as a female voice inquires, "Severus, what ...?"

"Obviously, Eleanor is having some sort of fit," he barks urgently. "I have been yelling for assistance for at least five minutes, it just won't stop, and she is turning blue."

My muscles are slowing down their random contractions, and I gasp for air, but something is choking me. It feels like I have a sock jammed in my throat.

"Please! Help me, I don't want to die!"

"No, you can't quit on me," he mutters into my ear as I am turned over my side and liquid dribbles out of the corner of my mouth. Although his tone is low, it sounds like a jet engine taking off next to my ear.

I am put back into my bed, and something cold and wet gently cleans off my face. The short lull in the conversation is abruptly ended as Poppy inquires, "What happened?"

"When I came in to drop off get well cards from my house, Eleanor was out of bed, attempting to reach for a book on the floor. That is when she collapsed and started convulsing."

"She was only picking up a dropped book, not anything else?" Poppy inquires pointedly.

"She knows! I am as good as locked up!"

I want to desperately answer that question myself; however, I can't get my eyes open or make a noise of protest.

"Are you insinuating something?" he inquires coolly. "That is all I saw."

"What is he up to?"

"No, I just want to know what happened before her seizure started." Poppy quickly changes the topic as she bustles about the room. "Severus, I need to retrieve a few medications, I need you to watch her for a minute," Poppy explains to him after adjusting my head on the pillow. "She's been having seizures in her sleep for days now. I should have seen this one coming. "

Poppy is exits my tiny cubicle, leaving Severus and me alone together. I can hear him moving closer to the bed.

"I am beginning to rethink your desires of killing yourself. I doubt you would have come out of that if you truly wanted to die." As something trickles out of the corner of my mouth, he wipes the fluids gently off of my face. With a huge effort, I open my eyes, and unbidden tears fall. Severus is using his own handkerchief to clean off my cheek. "Tell me, do you want to live?" There is a brief pause. "Answer me," he demands. "I won't tell the others about our little argument, but I want to know if you want to live."

With every ounce of energy I can summon, I manage to whisper, "Live."

I can see that Poppy has returned to the room carrying some clean pajamas and a couple of bottles and a small glass. "What were you asking her? She cannot understand you right now."

"Eleanor's eyes are open, and she is crying. Of course she can hear me." He seems a bit put out as he is told different.

"She isn't really there. Who knows what she sees right now. Those tears aren't out of any emotion. Nell always cries when she is waking up. Her eyes may be open, but there is no sense of consciousness for a while yet," Poppy explains, dabbing some concoction on my temple that smells more horrible than it stings.

With Severus's help, Poppy manages to get the medication down my throat. "I think today was just too much for her." Poppy is running the cloth back over neck like she always did when I had a seizure as a child. "Between losing Rupert, missing her parents, and being ill, I just don't think her body can handle anymore pressure."

"Poppy was right about one thing: I don't know how much more my body can handle."

I try to fight it, but I am at the mercy of the wave of unconsciousness that washes over me.

A raging headache brings me out of a dreamless sleep, and I notice it is now dark outside. I can hear the gentle sounds of rain hitting the roof of the Hospital Wing and there is a subdued light coming from a lamp next to the bed. I just wonder if what I saw during my seizure is real or a side effect of my nervous system gone awry.

As I lie here alone in the semi-darkness, a sense of peace covers me like a blanket. My visit to the graveyard to talk to Rupert still seems real in my heart. His discussion about how badly I am needed made me want to live on. He gave me a choice, and I chose to come back for the same reason I did the last time. I am not going to allow Dolores or anyone else to hurt the ones I love.

A noise at the front of my cubicle demands my attention. It is Poppy coming in with several glasses sitting on a tray and a very worried expression.

She puts down the tray briskly, and looks at me with a strained smile. "Nell, how are you feeling?" she inquires, brushing a few stray hairs off of my forehead. "You gave us quite a turn."

"What happened? My head is killing me," I say, wincing as a fresh wave of pain hits my forehead. "Everything is just so fuzzy." I want to figure out just how much she knows.

"Severus said you were out of bed to retrieve a book when you collapsed and began convulsing. You are quite fortunate he was here bringing you some get well cards from the students." She pulls up a chair and continues with, "What were you thinking?"

"Last thing I can remember is a book fell out of my lap, and I wasn't finished with it," I tell her, my stomach churning with guilt. "I just needed something to take my mind off of the funeral." Tears sting the corner of my eyes as I remember yesterday's events.

"I knew going to the funeral was important, but you were out of bed too soon. I'm not sure how much longer you will need to stay," she chides, stroking the back of my head and looking into my eyes. "You were not well enough to be moved to St. Mungo's because of the possibility of setting off more of your seizures." She reaches over to take a pulse, and I avert my gaze and look out a window. "That poor heart of yours cannot take anymore punishment."

Poppy waits for me to gulp down some more foul potions, and I hear her leave the room after I have become too drowsy to talk.

I startle violently out of a deep sleep as chimes sound the hour of two o'clock. I have a sense I am not alone.

From the shadowy profile, it dawns on me that Severus has decided to grace me with his presence. "What do you want?" I croak inquisitively as he turns up the lamp slowly.

"Since your melodramatics have ceased for the moment, I have been asked to bring more student tidings of concern for you. I would highly encourage you to read them." He shoves the packet of cards onto the edge of the bed by my hand. "I haven't told anyone of your suicide note, and I have returned your book without the lovely correspondence on the inside covers. No one has a clue you had that bottle in your possession."

"Why are you doing this?" I inquire.

"I don't think you really want to follow through with this. You were dying yesterday, but you seemed to fight to stay alive. That is why." He throws the book next to the cards. "I'd suggest you look at these to remind yourself what you are fighting for." He turns on his heels and leaves without another word.

I flip through the cards to see what they say, and an envelope falls on top of the pile in my lap. I open it up to find the last two receipts. I remember his insistence on looking at my poetry book and open it to look at the pages. There is a key hidden in the spine of the book. It is my key to the vault at Gringotts attached to a short note: Here. I recognize the handwriting from the letters sent by Dumbledore when I was in the hospital. I carefully shove the key back into the spine of the book, and I leave the receipts with the stack of cards. I know what I must do now.

I have woken up to a gray, rainy morning. From the sounds a few feet away, I can tell the fifth and seventh year exams are close. Students shuffle in with migraines, stomach ailments, and a host of complaints set off by the pressure of testing. I would be nervous too if I had Dolores as a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I doubt they could defend themselves against a Flobberworm.

I need to figure out a way of getting Dolores up to the Hospital Wing, because I doubt if Poppy will even let me get up to use the loo. My luck changes as I hear Poppy telling off Filch for letting Mrs. Norris into her immaculate domain. I somehow manage to gain his attention as he walks out with a rather unhappy Mrs. Norris in his arms. I give him a message for Dolores to come up here for her latest tidbit.

As lunchtime rolls around, I hear Poppy interrogating Dolores in a fierce manner. "What are you doing up here?"

"I am here to see Eleanor," Dolores answers stiffly.

"I absolutely forbid this." I can imagine Poppy looking like a rabid saber-toothed tiger right now. "She is not able to see visitors yet."

I don't need to have Dolores chased out by our over-protective matron, so I call out into the hallway. "Poppy, it's alright, I asked her to come here."

Poppy peers into the room looking bewildered by this request. "Nell, you should be resting. You don't need any stress right now." I notice how she emphasizes the word: stress.

"Please, I promise she will be out of here in just a minute," I plead to Poppy. "Right, Dolores?" I round on Dolores with a fierce look.

"Five minutes, that is it," Poppy commands. The sound of a retching student pulls her attention away from Dolores and me.

"You're a bit tardy with your latest installment for me. I believe you owe me two receipts," she spits venomously. I notice her cardigan is looking a bit worse for wear; holes and burn marks riddle the sleeves.

"Right now, I owe you one." Dolores looks like a pink cobra ready to strike as I continue with, "You will receive the final one on the last day of the term. I don't trust you to keep your word."

"You dare to dictate terms, Eleanor?" she inquires irritability, her toadish eyes bulging in their sockets.

"Anything happens to me in the meantime, the deal is off," I warn her defiantly. "You have less than one minute to decide." I take the receipt from under my pillow and hold it out, dangling the envelope like a bone for a well-behaved collie.

She snatches it out of my hand angrily then says, "Noon on the last day of the term, and not a minute past. I want it presented it to me in my office. I don't care if you have to crawl there."

"I'll be there." Poppy stands at the door looking quite irritated, and I can't finish what I want to say.

"Your five minutes are up, and my patient needs her rest," Poppy says sharply, crossing her arms across her chest.

Dolores retreats in a huff as Poppy says, "You really aren't up to this. No more visitors today."

Lunch has arrived, but I am in no mood to eat as my gut churns anxiously. Do they still think I am going to kill myself? I haven't much time for mulling over my thoughts before Poppy shows up with my dessert, a whole bunch of foul potions to knock me out the rest of the day. My guess is to stop any unneeded activity on my part.

Darkness takes me unwillingly again, and I fall asleep to the normal bustle of children regurgitating their lunch or moaning for assistance due to end of the term homework assignments gone awry.

It has been several days since I collapsed, and I am feeling a bit better physically and emotionally. It is a fact that people who are thinking of suicide will often show signs of suddenly feeling happy about their outlook on life when they make the final decision. This change in mood is often a clue that the end is near and loved ones need to be careful to see the signs. I hope my friends don't see my upturn in mood as a sign I want to do myself in.

It has become obvious I am not very happy about being cooped up in the Hospital Wing. The constant activity is not allowing for a good sleep. I want to be in my own bed with Daisy at my side. I know my rooms will have signs of Rupert's presence in my life, but it is time to face my feelings.

After begging, pleading, and the promise of having a house-elf haunting me, Poppy is reluctantly allowing me to retire to my own quarters. I have a feeling she will be asking for hourly reports from poor little Blinky, an elderly house-elf from the laundry.

Walking through my parlor door, my heart sinks as I see a box of pralines sitting by the sofa. Rupert brought these to me on his last visit. I don't realize I am crying until a handkerchief floats in mid-air courtesy of Blinky. I can't bear to stand here much longer, and I retreat towards my bedroom. When I open my bedroom door, Daisy nearly knocks me over in her excitement to see me. I pick her up and cuddle her like a teddy bear, looking for some sense of security in her presence. This affords me the excuse to not look to the bedside table for reminders of Rupert.

As I sit down on the mattress, something wet is hitting my face, and I look up to find Daisy attacking my hair. Normally, I would be shouting at her to get off, but it is so nice to have some semblance of the life I had before this year.

I stand back up with a sigh and make my way to the bathroom for a long overdue soak in the tub. Cleansing charms work well to clean you up for the most part, but nothing can take the place of a long hot bath. As I sink towards the sudsy water, a tear escapes down my cheek when I remember the night Rupert surprised me while taking a bubble bath.

I have no idea how long I have been in the bath until I am summoned for dinner by Blinky, and I am a little pissed off by her standing there, staring me down as I get out of the tub. That funny unclean feeling creeps back into the corners of my gut as I reach for a towel.

I am a bit tired of lying in a bed, and I convince Blinky to let me eat at my own dining table. I know I must face the reminders of Rupert in my quarters at some point; however, I notice that the pictures of him have been removed from a table in the lounge. I feel a little betrayed. I wonder who authorized it. Trying to get the information from the elderly yet stern-looking elf will do me little good.

I hear a knock at the door as I am finishing up. My visitor is a rather sheepish-looking Charity Burbage coming in with several packages in her arms.

"Hello, Nell. I wanted to come by and see you in the Hospital Wing, but Poppy wasn't allowing you to see visitors while you were there," Charity says.

I walk over to her, take the packages out of her arms, and I motion her to have a seat in the parlor. "You're here now, and I am pleased to see you." The silence is awkward, and I feel there is something that must be said to clear the air between us.

"Nell, I think we need to talk," she says, staring up to the ceiling. "I am still angry about your telling me off for airing my views on Muggle Rights." She takes a deep breath and continues with, "However, I don't think this should come between us as friends."

"Charity, all I can say is that I am glad you came to visit me, and I want to call the matter closed."

Blinky walks in slowly with some refreshments for me and my guest. She is eyeing Charity with a protective gaze. I am sure Poppy is going to hear about this.

Charity takes her cup of coffee and continues with, "The students miss you horribly. They spent a class period making your cards without using any charms or enhancements. Poor Ursula was beside herself when she read about the accident in the Prophet." She stops for a moment, realizing she may be opening up a fresh wound. "I'm so sorry."

I get up and walk over to the fire to hide my tears. I thought I was doing much better with my feelings, but they constantly bubble to the surface. It takes every ounce of will power not to cry openly, because I know Poppy will just send me back to the sterile cubicle in the Hospital Wing.

"It's not your fault. I feel guilty about what the children are going through because of me. They put in all this effort, and they shouldn't have taken class time for me," I tell her tearfully.

She walks up behind me, touching me on the shoulder so I could face her. "Those students love you, and I think it is important they learn how to express themselves without a wand." She gives me a hug, and we walk back to the sofa as she hands me a tissue from the side table. "Isn't this what we want them to learn?"

I look up to see a void in the dust from Rupert's picture. "I want to say good-bye to the students before exams. I owe this to them, especially Ursula."

"It was her idea to make the cards, and I hear she managed to have many of her housemates to participate. She is turning into quite the social butterfly," she says with a wry smile. "What do you think about the end of the week?"

"I would like to help with the O.W.L. and N.E.W.T." I wait for her to turn me down, because I know she can be a bit territorial with her classes.

Charity brightens, and says, "I think that will be wonderful." Blinky is standing beside the door, and I am sure this is a hint to make Charity leave. Charity says her farewells after giving me a hug.

As the door shuts, I sink into the sofa exhausted, and I fall sound asleep before I know it.