The Bludgers Of life

Prologue

Lucius Malfoy dismounted the broomstick he had arrived on.

"Excellent job Goyle, same time next week?" (Stop sniggering you perverts) Realising what he had just said, (now you lot didn't think that those two were...well, never mind) he mentally slapped himself and added, "I think the tail twigs should be a touch shorter."

Goyle nodded. "I'll look into it Lucius," he grunted.

Lucius stalked towards the lurid pink penthouse, perched conspicuously (Argh! big word) on top of the mountain. Really, he thought, Goyle might be as thick as two short planks, but he knows his stuff when it comes to brooms...and so he should, the amount of time he spends with Crabbe.

Dismissing these frivolous thoughts, Lucius swished his cloak dramatically, fluffed his hair ("and he thought I'd fallen off the rainbow," thought Goyle) and followed the sounds of maniacal laughter, drifting from an open window of the penthouse.

Lord Voldemort was sat at the kitchen table wearing nothing but a conveniently placed pair of fluffy golden Snitches. Voldemort's excuse..."I like Quidditch just as much as the next Evil Overlord"

Lucius gulped at the sight of the most feared dark wizard for fifty years wearing nothing but novelty broomstick accessories. "Well Lucius," snapped the Dark Lord, looking up from his copy of "An Evil Overlord's Guide to Maniacal laughter." "Do you have a failsafe plan to save Death Eaters, Inc. from the shame of bankruptcy, or do I have to cut you into little pieces and feed you to my wiggly-woo?"

Lucius cleared his throat, "Well there is one plan we could try, master."

"Which is...?" drawled Voldemort, now applying mascara, with the aid of a small hand mirror.

"Er...well, if you and another Death Eater were to drink of the marital waters, as it were, then we could receive adequate tax rebates to prevent us from bankruptcy, until we can liquidate our creditors, and take over the world. Oh yeah, and we er receive discounts at McMuggle's restaurant chain," muttered Lucius, now wondering whether now was an appropriate time for maniacal laughter.

"I get to play dressing-up, AND free McMuggle's?" asked the Dark Lord, dreamily.

"Yes my Lord,' said Lucius, thankful to have escaped the horrors of Voldemort's wiggly-woo. (You do realise we mean Nagini. I mean, what did you think he was gonna get fed to?)

"Who do you intend to marry?" ventured Lucius

"Whom not "who", you uncultured yob," corrected Voldemort primly, "and as for deciding who my new spouse will be, we'll have to go through the membership lists - go and fetch them at once!"

Two hours later:

Voldemort looked up from the Death Eaters membership list, which was written entirely in txt msg spk, ready to scream. "Of the top ten in the 'Minty fresh breath' section, and only the mintiest will do. Severus had the nicest ass, but he left *sob* which leaves...Cornelius Fudge and he's immensely unattractive, unlike me, of course (maniacal laughter here), and anyway, he's already married...then there's...you."

"Me, master" said Lucius. "But I'm already married, and I have a son."

"I do not care about insignificant details like that, which will completely screw up the carefully crafted plot of this story!" Voldemort shouted, leaning dangerously over the table towards Lucius.

He should really floss, Lucius thought. However, feeling it was unwise to say this out loud he moved on to more serious matters. "I'll start making the wedding robes then, shall I?" he said carefully edging towards the door.

The Beginning

More confused than a blonde on a rainy day? Want to know exactly how Lord Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy end up in this highly dubious situation? Well keep reading then...and don't forget to review.

Chapter 1: A Sirius Dilemma (1/8)

It was just another day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft etc.

At breakfast, the students were all huddled around their house tables eagerly debating the identity of new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor who would be replacing dear Old Barty Crouch Jr, aka Mad-eye Moody, who turned out to be in with You-Know-Who the previous year (y'know just for a change).

At the Gryffindor table, dodgy rumours were flying around like owls in heat, about who it could possibly be.

"I reckon it's gonna be Cornelius Fudge!" shouted Dean Thomas.

"No chance," said Lee Jordan, "It's gotta be someone who knows exactly what they're doing."

"He's the Minister of Magic!" retorted Dean.

"Your point being...?"

"What if Gilderoy Lockhart came back," piped Colin Creevey, "and more importantly d'you think he'd pose for some pictures?"

"As if! Lockhart was just a vain sod who couldn't even keep a pixie under control. If he taught here again I think I'd leave. No wait a minute, I would leave," snorted Lee washing down a mouthful of 'Lucky Charms' with some pumpkin juice.

"I've got it!' shouted a girl who had been listening.

"Go on then, Lavender, dazzle us with your ...knowledge!"

"Ok, I think it's gonna be... Professor Dumbledore!"

The rest of Gryffindor house cracked up. Dean was laughing so hard he spilt scrambled egg all over the floor and they only stopped when Professor McGonagall came over to tell them all to "keep the noise down." She also gave Dean an odd look and told him that he may want to check a mirror because he had a "green object hanging from his nose"(Need I say more?).

Anyway, after Dean made himself presentable and Lee Jordan told Lavender that Dumbledore would not be teaching DADA as he was a transfiguration specialist (duh), the Gryffindor students continued with their breakfasts, occasionally sniggering at Dean for making an utter prat of himself in front of McGonagall.

o0o

Professor Dumbledore had just woken up. He didn't usually sleep in this late, however he had been up until 3 'o' clock in the morning explaining 'the rules' of pin bowling to his old headmaster Algernon Egbert III.

Many of the other portraits had fallen asleep out of sheer boredom around midnight, whilst Dumbledore explained for the nine hundred and eighty-first time that the rules, "Aren't that difficult,' whilst pulling out great tufts of his beard in frustration. "You just roll a ball and knock down some pins," he had said, but Algernon still needed the point explained again. And again. And...

Dumbledore sat at his desk and set about answering the daily dilemmas sent in by Cornelius Fudge, when a black owl fluttered in. Dumbledore took the letter and smiled. It was from Hermione Granger, a Gryffindor student now in her fifth year. She was holidaying in Bulgaria with Quidditch ace Viktor Krum and had missed her flight back to England.

She had sent an owl explaining to the headmaster that she would be a day late and that she was 'really, really sorry for the inconvenience". This, to Dumbledore's despair, was the seventeenth owl he had received from her, apologizing.

He considered what to write for his reply:

Dear Miss Granger,

Stop sending bloody owls. I know you're sorry, but bog off.

Professor Dumbledore.

That was what he really wanted to say. However, being the man that he was, Dumbledore toned down the language and drafted his seventeenth reply:

Dear Miss Granger,

Stop apologising. There is no harm done and we shall see you when you return to school.

Professor Dumbledore.

He had just sent the reply, when a figure suddenly emerged in Dumbledore's office via Portkey. Dumbledore looked up, "Ah, Sirius, about time too."

"Hello again Professor, I made it, so lets get the plan into action," Sirius said hurriedly, glancing around nervously. He had spent far too much time in here as a kid to really feel at home in Dumbledore's office - usually collecting detention slips for crimes ranging from duelling Snape to enchanting Mrs. Norris to sing "Somewhere over the Rainbow" and locking her in Snape's dormitory.

"Sirius, are you sure you want to do this?" asked Dumbledore, peering concernedly over the top of his half-moon specs.

"Course I am. The Ministry of Magic will never find me here, and I get to spend more time with Harry. Plus, I heard the food's not too bad now."

"Yes well, I have informed the staff about our new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. She goes by the name of Serina Blake.

"What? Oh yeah, they'll never guess who I am, y'know with the name being so different," Sirius said, sarcastically.

"Here you are," Dumbledore said, completely ignoring Sirius' remark and handing him a flask containing a violently purple potion.

"You didn't get Snape to make this, did you?" Sirius asked, looking at the potion with distaste.

"No, I made it. I can make potions too," Dumbledore said, looking at the surprised expression on Black's face. "You may use that room over there to change, and you'll find some more feminine robes there as well.

"Are they Snape's?" asked Sirius, (the last thing he wanted was to be walking around Hogwarts parading Snape's feminine side).

"No, they're not Snape's!" shouted Dumbledore, exasperated.

A few odd noises were heard in the following minutes, as Sirius wrestled with his new robes. "What the...?"

"What's the matter?" asked Dumbledore, trying not to laugh.

"There appears to be something stuck on the bottom of these shoes," Sirius replied, sounding confused.

"They're called heels, Sirius. Women wear them."

"How? And more importantly, why?"

"Hurry up Serina, we have to introduce you to the school," Dumbledore said.

"Yeah I'm coming, I'm coming...are you sure no one can tell it's me?" muttered a very disgruntled Sirius.

Dumbledore led Serina down the stairs, with great difficulty, due to "these damn heels." On the way, various words, and er, colourful phrases were used by Serina, including "I'll kill the git who invented these," and, "What the hell are they trying to prove?"

Nervous and feminine (Serina, that is, not Dumbledore) they both entered the Great Hall.

Chapter 2: From Wormtail with Love (2/8)

Serina and Dumbledore made their way to the top table. A sudden silence filled the Hall and everyone stared as Serina took her seat. Dumbledore asked for quiet, but then realised that no one was making any noise, except Millicent Bulstrode, who grunted occasionally (but this was considered perfectly normal), so he continued.

"I apologise for being late, but I was giving a guided tour of the castle to our new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor. Students, I give you Serina Blake."

There was no noise, but that of the clattering of gold and silver being passed over the tables. Apparently, the whole school had been making bets on who the new DADA teacher would be. Disappointment for some, but a great day at Hogsmeade for others.

Professor Flitwick left the table, and returned moments later, weighed down with wizarding gold. Ignoring the confused looks of his colleagues, he sat down and began counting.

One by one the students began to applaud and only stopped when they realised that the bacon plates had been refilled.

Serina however had dodgier problems than heels and students; an exceptionally greasy haired man was looking starry-eyed in her direction from across the table.

Serina looked behind her, wondering if there was someone else standing there, but there was no one. She looked again expecting to see an aging, leather clad biker (Snape's usual type). Only then did she realise that Snape was looking at her in a very erm, romantic way.

Snape almost knocked over his goblet of pumpkin juice (they don't drink anything else), and his head was buzzing. "Oh my God, she's as gorgeous as a softly simmering Wiggenweld healing potion!" he thought (praying to God he hadn't just said that out loud).

Professor Blake had other ideas however. Forgetting that she was playing the part of a respectable teacher, Serina planned to get that yellow toothed, slimy-haired pervert back for years of detentions, when he (well, Sirius) had gone to school with him.

Snape noticed her looking it him and quickly looked away. Serina whipped out his wand and used the brief pause in Snape's perving session to enchant half a dozen dungbombs to hover over the unfortunate potions master's head.

Severus for God's sake control yourself. Snape shook himself mentally. Slipping back into his usual smooth manner he turned back to the new DADA teacher. "Professor Blake," he sneered, toying with a bread roll on his plate, "think you'll make it for an entire school year, our last few DADA teachers have been most unsuccessful, and you look every bit as incompetent." This withering remark would've had much more affect if the dungbombs over his head hadn't started jiggling around in a kind of Scottish Reel.

"Perhaps I'll stay a little longer just to spite you Snapey," growled Serina, spooning gravy over her plate.

Snapey she called me Snapey yesssssssssssssssssss! "I trust you'll be able to find your way into some clean robes" he said eyeing Serina's gravy splashed front, allow me to help you out of the one's you've got on now...

Snape grinned to himself (it came out more as a lemon sucking grimace to Serina) and swept out of the hall.

The students began to file out of the Great Hall for their first lessons. Harry and Ron meandered along to Divination with Trelawney (taking as many long cuts as humanly possible).

"Dumbledore would've told us if there was something up Ron. Cheer up."

"Yeah, I know. I hope Hermione gets here soon though, I miss her criticizing stuff..."

"Yeah, er... I don't really know what to say to that," Harry said, checking his timetable and making a mental note to get Ron checked out at St. Mungo's hospital very soon. They eventually arrived at Divination in the North tower, where Professor Trelawney was looking at the class with her usual, mystical glare.

Harry and Ron took their places at the back of the class, where in Ron's opinion it was safest, and took out their books. Professor Trelawney gave Harry a sympathetic look, as if to say "your time will be up soon dear, I have seen it already."

Harry rolled his eyes and stared stonily at the clock.

"Today," Trelawney announced, "is a very special day, can anyone tell me why? Yes, Dean?"

"Well, today is Sting's birthday," he said, looking very pleased with himself.

"Who?" Trelawney asked. She was not the only one who looked confused; most of the class didn't know who Sting was.

"Oh never mind," Dean mumbled, sheepishly.

"Well today is the third alignment of Venus, Mercury and Jupiter, in the twelfth house," she said, looking pleased, then quite annoyed, as this statement wasn't met with quite the dramatic response she had expected. She proceeded to tell them that this unusual alignment of the stars brought good fortune to everyone. "Apart from you dear, I do apologise but you have a most unfortunate aura around you" 'she said gleefully to Harry.

"Bloody typical," Ron muttered.

The lesson couldn't have ended soon enough for Ron and Harry, who smashed two cups apiece, broke a crystal ball and were given extra homework for use of inappropriate language. "It wasn't bloody inappropriate you daft old bat!" Ron shouted as they left.

They headed to the Common room to collect their books and Ron flung himself on a chair near the fire.

Harry returned moments later, laden down with Charms books.

"C'mon we've got Charms," Harry said, trying to pull Ron off the chair.

"Sod charms, I'm gonna die anyway, according to old freak show upstairs," Ron replied miserably. Suddenly a brown owl with a Bulgarian accent swooped through the window and dropped a letter in Ron's lap. "What's that about?" asked Harry, "and why does that owl have a Bulgarian accent?"

Ron read the letter out loud (in a Bulgarian accent):

Dear Harry and Ron,

Please rescue me. I have been kidnapped by the evil Quidditch player Viktor Krum. I can't escape. I am at Dark Lord Cabin, A very tall mountain, Bulgaria (Look for the neon lights). Please Help,

Love from Wormtail er, I mean, Hermyone.

P.S bring milk and my charms textbook because I've got an essay due in.

"Well, we gotta rescue her!" cried Ron.

"I'm with you on that," shouted Harry.

They both stood in the Gryffindor Common Room in supermen poses, realising they must've looked very odd. Harry and Ron ran upstairs grabbed Harry's Firebolt and some essential items for the journey.

Ron took his security blanket, 'Flying with the Cannons' book and his quill.

"What do you need that for?" Harry asked.

"Well y'know, we might meet someone famous." Ron said.

"You're stupid sometimes, d'you know that!" Harry laughed.

"Well you don't look too heroic yourself," Ron pointed at Harry's box of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans and a pair of socks. Harry also grabbed his newest Gilderoy Lockhart book, "On Being Blonde and Battling Basilisks", just in case, and his night time bed pal: Tiddlywinks, the cat.

"What the hell's that for?" asked Ron, disgusted.

"No reason... Why? You got a problem with that?" Harry retorted, looking slightly embarrassed.

"No, you just look a bit g...anyway, better get going," Ron said hurriedly, looking at the expression on Harry's face.

They both climbed onto Harry's Firebolt with difficulty, and shot off into the distance.

CRASH!

"We should really open the window," Harry said, looking slightly dizzy. Window open, essentials crammed precariously on the back of the broomstick, they lurched off, not giving Hogwarts a second glance until they realised they were heading straight for Dumbledore's office window.

"Harry, you prat, pull up!" Ron shouted. Almost uninjured, they flew away from Hogwarts.

Not realising that her two best friends had just flown of into the distance without her ("typical of them, the sexist bastards"), Hermione Granger walked through the main entrance doors and headed for Dumbledore's office.

Chapter 3: Return of The Dark Lord (wearing dashing robes, I might add). (3/8)

Now, who would live in a house like this? Situated in the middle of the mountains, yet you still couldn't miss it: a lurid, pink penthouse, with flashing neon lights. Yes, this home did now, in fact, belong to Lord Voldemort himself, and his bride to be, Lucius Malfoy (aka, Lucy).

Death Eaters were gathered around a table waiting for their master to appear.

"My dearest friends, tomorrow will be one of the happiest days of my life," the Dark Lord said. "I am marrying my fiancée, to whom I have been engaged to for 3 hours."

Shocked, stunned, appalled and, well, simply scared witless, the Death Eaters began to applaud.

Voldemort continued: "I have invited dear Harry Potter to be my best man. After all, he was present at my re-birth, and I feel it's only fair to invite him." The Death Eaters nodded in agreement. "After the ceremony, we shall have dinner entertainment, provided to us by Mr. Macnair, who has kindly agreed to conduct the Avada Kedavra curse on the stupid boy." A loud cheer erupted from the table.

Lucy began to sob.

"What's the matter, you idiot?" Voldemort snapped.

"Well, you don't really love me, do you?" Lucius wailed.

"No, you stupid man, but you know very well that if we are a couple we get tax advantages, and free family coupons for McMuggle's restaurant chain! Now, shut up!"

Not wanting to intrude into a domestic argument, Crabbe and Goyle began philosophising about the younger generation of wizards. "It's not like it used to be," Crabbe said, thoughtfully. "When I was a youngster, I went out every night torching Muggle buildings, not hanging around in mid-air trying to catch stupid, gold, flittery thingies."

Voldemort interrupted, "I completely agree; however, arrangements must be made. Wormtail, you are the minister. Macnair you are the entertainer, keep it clean please. And Crabbe, you are the caterer--if you can refrain from eating all of the food."

Crabbe blushed, which was both frightening and unusual.

o0o

Harry and Ron's expedition was becoming uncomfortable and boring. Ron complained that he couldn't read his book because they kept flying through random clouds, and that he just remembered he was afraid of heights. Harry didn't reply.

"Harry?" Ron asked. No reply. "Oh my God! Harry, wake up you stupid git!"

"Huh?" Harry said looking disorientated.

"You prat! We could be in flippin" Russia by now!" Using a four-point spell, they soon found that they were miraculously heading in the right direction.

"Lucky, if you ask me," Ron said.

"Well you know what they say when Venus, Mercury and Ju-"

'Shut up, Harry!"

o0o

The Death Eaters were going through some old accounting books, trying to explain to the Dark Lord that their robe making company wasn't doing too well on the Wizarding Stock Exchange.

"A business hasn't been this unsuccessful since Salazar Slytherin's chocolate teapot company," said Goyle to Voldemort (yes, chocolate teapots - he was all-powerful, but not that bright).

"We need something else, something that no one can resist," Voldemort mused.

"I know!" shouted Macnair. "Why don't we make different coloured robes, instead of just black ones?"

There was a silence. Some tumbleweed rolled over the table and Goyle coughed. No noise (Well except for the occasional grunt from the Bulstrode area).

"Anyway, as I was saying, we need something that no one can resist!" Voldemort said. Everyone acted as though Macnair had said something ludicrous and refused to talk to him.

"Multicoloured robes Macnair? We can't have everyone bloody happy! That'll ruin our reputation!" Voldemort shouted, realising Macnair didn't have a clue what he'd done wrong.

"I apologise sincerely sir," Macnair said, sheepishly.

o0o

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts: Hermione made her way to Dumbledore's office to tell him she had arrived, and that she was 'very sorry.' She reached his door and realised that she didn't know the correct password. "Er... Let me see... aha! I know... Earwax flavour!" There was no response. "Ok, um...Cherry Flavour!" Nothing. Hermione spent the next ten minutes reciting every Bertie Botts flavour she could think of, including some very unusual ones such as "Jellyfish and octopus" and "Squid 'n Chips" Just then Professor McGonagall tapped Hermione on the shoulder.

"I think you'll find the password is 'Slytherin's stink' dear," she said.

"Oh, um thank you," said Hermione, looking puzzled.

The Gargoyle sprung into action, and they both climbed the stairs to Dumbledore's office. When they entered his room, Dumbledore asked Hermione to take a seat, a few minutes later McGonagall left and Dumbledore sat down opposite Hermione.

"Dear me, you are a disappointment to this school Miss Granger," he said in a disappointed tone, hoping he would get the reaction he was waiting for.

"But Sir! It wasn't my fault. Viktor Krum and I we, er... lost track of time on the day, and I missed my flight home. I sent you some owls, didn't you get them?" Hermione protested.

"Yes, Hermione, I did receive your owls--all 17 of them; and no, I will not punish you for being late. Accidents happen, so I suggest you run along to your next class," he smiled and handed her a timetable.

Slightly embarrassed, Hermione left Dumbledore's office and made her way to the Common Room to collect her books, which had already been taken up for her by house elves, much to her chagrin.

Hermione consulted her timetable, and then set off for charms, arriving 20 minutes late. Professor Flitwick beckoned her to sit down, whilst almost falling off his own desk due to a flying cushion, sent his way by Neville Longbottom.

'Sorry I'm late, Professor. I only arrived at school today." Hermione said, trying to ignore the gossip about her and Viktor from the rest of the class.

'She was probably at a gynaecologist's appointment," Hermione heard someone whisper.

"Quite all right, Miss Granger. Do you happen to know where Mr. Potter and Mr. Wealsey are?" he asked.

"No Sir, but I'll look for them if you want. I've already mastered the cushion experiment," she said, pointing her wand and sending a cushion to its podium.

"I hope you were all watching that!" Flitwick said to the others. They, however, did not look quite as impressed. "Of course you can, Miss Granger," said Flitwick, dodging another cushion/teddy bear sent by Neville. "Mr. Longbottom, this is Charms lesson, not Transfiguration!" he shouted, and then muttered under his breath, "For God's sake, I need a Butterbeer!"

Hermione left and headed straight for Gryffindor Tower. She passed many classrooms and as she reached the Entrance Hall, she heard muttering coming from behind a suit of armour. As she could see two boulder-like backs and a silvery blonde head sticking out from behind a suit of armour, it didn't take a genius to work out that it was Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle. Wondering what those three were doing lurking in dark corners (and sincerely hoping she'd never find out) Hermione ducked behind a statue of Elfric the Eager (who was picking his nose) to listen.

"Well, father says that his and the Dark Lord's plans will be put into action very soon," Draco said, sounding pleased. Hermione's breath caught in her chest as she blatantly eavesdropped...I mean, er...listened closely hoping for clues.

"Anyway, your fathers know about it too, so you'll know soon enough. And their plan to rule the world will succeed! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha."

Crabbe and Goyle laughed the same dodgy laugh for a full four minutes before Hermione realised that this conversation was not going to get any more interesting. She headed straight for the Gryffindor Tower. She ran straight up the boys' dormitory stairs and flung open the door. Not knowing what to expect, she looked down at two house elves making the beds.

"You haven't seen a red-haired guy, bit like a runner bean, and another one with a dodgy scar on his head in here have you?" she asked them.

"No, I is apologising Miss but we have seen no one," said a small elf timidly, holding some 'Thunderbirds' underpants. "Ok. Thanks anyway. "Hermione dashed through the portrait wondering who's the underpants were.

However, she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw a brown envelope on the chair, near the fire (not that she was nosy or anything). Hermione picked up the letter and read it. She looked shocked and suddenly shouted "WHAT CHARMS ESSAY!" and then "You don't spell my name like that, you prat!"

Hermione ran back to the Entrance Hall, to the place where she had heard Draco earlier, and heard him on his own still laughing. She walked up behind him and put her wand to his head.

"Don't say anything or you'll have tentacles growing where the sun don't shine," she said in her most menacing voice. Draco let out a very girly squeal, but stopped when Hermione pushed him into the broom cupboard. Well, it must've looked very suspicious to the outside world, but Draco and Hermione were simply 'hiding'. Honest.

"Right then, Blondie" 'she said, "What have you done with Batman and Robin?"

"Batwhat and who?" Draco said, terrified.

"Rocky and Bullwinkle, Sharky and George, the two Teletubbies ...c'mon where are they?" she yelled.

"Who the hell-?"

"You know, Ron and Harry."

"I don't have a bloody clue what you're on about," he said.

"Well you better!" she shoved the letter in his face and he read it, then he gasped.

"Oh my God! What Charms essay?" Hermione snatched the letter back.

"That's what I said, but that's not the point! I know your freaky blonde family has got something to do with this, so you and I are going after them now!"

"What, right now?" asked Draco.

"Yeah, right now!" Hermione said.

"What, as in now, now, or later now?"

"Now, you prat! Go and get some stuff, because you and I are going to Bulgaria!" Hermione yelled.

They both ran back to their common rooms and grabbed some essentials. Hermione took her Charms textbook, a quill and a roll of parchment. Draco took his Dark Arts youth award (just in case), and a hairbrush. He grabbed his Nimbus 2001 and met Hermione in the Owlery. They climbed awkwardly onto the broom and took off.

Chapter 4: The sudden return of Guess Who? Yes, it's me Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin Third Class, Honorary member of the Dark Force Defence League

And most importantly, 5 times winner of Witch Weekly's most charming smile award. *Twinkle* (4/8)

Serina's first lesson wasn't until the following day; so, hoping to make it a decent one (well anything is better than Snape's potions class), he headed up to Dumbledore's office, gave the password, and walked upstairs. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk writing, when he noticed Serina standing there.

"Hello, Sirius. What's the matter?"

"I wondered if I could have your permission to run a Duelling Session in Great Hall for my first lesson" Sirius asked.

"I don't see why that would be a problem," mused Dumbledore. "Yes of course you can."

"Thanks. Well, I'll see you later oh, hold on - you don't know where Harry is now, do you?" Sirius asked.

"He should be in... Charms oh and look out for that Malfoy character. He's taken to hanging around behind suits of armour practicing evil laughs," Dumbledore replied, consulting the student list.

"Ok, thanks," Serina left the office and headed for Flitwick's room, hoping to get a glimpse of his godson. He approached the door and looked through, but saw no Harry, Ron, or Hermione. Suddenly, the bell rang and a hoard of students began to file out from all directions.

Serina headed back to Dumbledore's office, but ran into him on the way.

"Albus! Harry, Ron, Hermione have disappeared!" Serina panted, gasping for breath, "and I didn't hear anyone laughing behind suits of armour at all."

"I've heard, I sent out a message to Cornelius Fudge." (Don't ask how Dumbledore knows, he knows everything)

"What do we do?" Serina asked.

"All we can do now is wait, try not to draw too much attention." They both stared at the Entrance Hall, when there was a creak from the door, a blonde woman walked in, sporting a scary handbag that looked like it may hurt someone, and odd spectacles.

"Rita Skeeter, what on Earth are you doing here?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well, I was hoping I could get a story on the four missing students," she said.

"But how do you know?"

"I intercepted your letter. Here it is." She handed the letter addressed to Cornelius Fudge, back to Dumbledore. "I've got just the man for this type of investigation. He's looking as gorgeous as ever, memory reformed, sleek and handsome. Tonight, Matthew, I'm giving you, Gilderoy Lockhart!"

Out of nowhere, confetti filled the room and a very handsome, corny, and feminine-looking man walked through the door. Gilderoy Lockhart had retrieved his memory by reading his own books. Now more modest than ever, he was prepared to take on anyone, as well as a bottle of Ogden's old firewhiskey!

"Miss Skeeter, you can't just go around intercepting letters. I shall have to report this," Dumbledore announced. "And who is Matthew?"

"Yes, well, you'll be thanking me when those four brats, er, I mean, students, are back here. So stop complaining, you obsolete dingbat," muttered Rita.

Gilderoy Lockhart strolled up to Dumbledore. "I'm ready to go now! I'll get those scallywags back!"

"We don't know where they are" shouted Serina, clearly pissed off that his godson's safety rested in the manicured hands of Mr. Lockhart.

"Well, duh! Wherever He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is, of course!" snapped Rita, obviously not happy about the feminine competition.

"My sources tell me Lord Voldemort is in Bulgaria, in the mountains," Dumbledore said.

"Then I'll get to work! Get me some form of transport. I can't apparate, it'll ruin my hair and Floo Powder blocks my pores," Lockhart said petulantly, "I don't want to have an acne breakout the first time I see the Dark Lord!" he simpered.

"To the broom cupboard" cried Serina (it being the first thing he thought of at Hogwarts when he wanted to 'get somewhere').

"I'd be flattered young lady, but I hardly think this is the time-" Lockhart began, flicking his hair.

"He meant to actually get a broom," said Dumbledore as Sirius gagged.

They all ran to the broom cupboard and grabbed the best broom in there. Dumbledore attached a seat and a roof, and it was ready to fly, looking a bit like a futuristic rickshaw.

Lockhart climbed in, and then turned to the others. "Which way is Bulgaria?"

"For crying out loud I'll come with you! I could do with a good story; last one I had printed was about a blonde ogre called "Fattus Pattus". Didn't quite have the positive reaction I'd hoped for." Rita winced at the memory of 20 ton Pat - a notorious half giant letting her know what she'd thought of the article by picking Rita up and bouncing along the length of Diagon alley.

Shuddering, Rita clambered up beside Lockhart and they swooped off into the distance.

Twelve seconds later they returned. Lockhart ran to the nearest bathroom, brushed his hair, cleaned his teeth, put on his mascara, and changed his robes. Twelve minutes later, they both set off again!

Leaning out of the window Serina watched them until they disappeared over the horizon. He had a bad BAD feeling about this.

"They'll be ok, Serina," said Dumbledore reassuringly.

"Yeah, I know. Harry's gonna be on first name terms with Voldemort soon, getting together every 5 minutes for a bloody duel."

The two Professors bade each other goodnight. Dumbledore headed off towards the kitchens for a quick hot chocolate. Serina sneakily made her way to Severus Snape's room. Strolling down the slimy Potions corridor, Serina made her down to the far end where Snape's quarters were. "Alohomora," she whispered.

The door creaked open and Serina shuffled cautiously inside. Snape's rooms were furnished with heavy dark oak furniture, which contrasted rather nicely with the shocking pink wallpaper.

The far wall was plastered in "Potions Girls" posters, a wizarding pop group. Jars of pickled, slimy Porlock innards and Other Such Nasties were crowded across Snape's desk.

Silently creeping into the virtually unused bathroom area, Serina looked around for some kind of shampoo. He walked over to the bathroom cabinet and opened it. Inside, there were a number of bottles containing highly dubious potions, Serina picked up one of the. It read: "Have you completely neglected your skin for the past fifteen years? Then Facial Revive is just for you!"

Stifling the urge to laugh Serina spotted the one she wanted; she picked out a bottle of 'So Your Hair's Greasy?' shampoo and unscrewed the lid. Taking a small bottle out of her plum-coloured robes, she emptied the contents into Snape's shampoo. Serina quickly backed out of the dungeons hoping that this little trick would pull off - and to the entire schools amusement, it did.

Chapter 5: What the hell are you laughing at? (5/8)

The breakfast tables filled up quickly with students. The staffs were sitting at the top table, discussing the four missing students, when (not for the first time this term) a sudden hush fell over the castle.

Students looked shocked and the teachers' stared in amazement. Oh Snapey! Now don't you look the part! thought Serina.

Professor Severus Snape rolled out of bed. Ambling into the bathroom grabbed the bottle of shampoo in his bathroom cabinet and stepped into the shower (now I know what you're thinking - it's not that kind of fic) **Back to Snape and the shower**15 minutes later he grabbed a pair of his usual black robes and strode off to the Great Hall a transformed man.

A group of mermaids in a portrait sniggered as he swept past, "Was that the Severus Snape," they asked, "what has he done to his hair". The Fat Lady, who was 'visiting' a portrait of a highly dubious hairdressers (Sheila's Saloon for the Saucy and Salacious) laughed so hard as he passed that she snorted her cup of tea. "Oh my," she squealed when she'd regained enough composure to sit upright, "was that Severus Snape with... cherry red hair?" she spluttered before dissolving into fits of hysterical laughter that could be heard halfway down the Charms corridor.

An unnatural silence descended on the hall as Snape strode in. Everyone was too shocked to laugh and just pointed and stared until finally Seamus Finnigan couldn't control himself any longer; he let out a great snort of laughter, which set off the entire school.

"What the hell are you all laughing at?" Snape bellowed looking round the hall.

Wondering if he had his robes tucked into his boxers, Snape scowled and made his way up to the top table, uncomfortably aware of people's eyes on him, and barely muffled sniggers that followed him around the hall.

Breakfast continued, with teachers and students alike, glancing at Snape, then pointing and laughing.

Serina, however, hadn't even started, "My, Severus you do look rather dashing," he said quietly, enjoying the unusual sight of Snape blushing a very fetching shade of pink.

Unable to hold herself in much longer, Serina muttered something to Snape about "preparing her first lesson" and ran out of the Great Hall, waiting until she was safely out of earshot before collapsing into hysterical laughter.

o0o

McGonagall accompanied Snape to his classroom. "Er...Severus, what did you do to your hair," she asked.

"I washed it, why?" He replied confused.

"Well it's a little er...different,"

"What do you mean "different"? I know you can't see your reflection in it anymore, if that's what you mean."

"Here," she handed Snape a small hand mirror. Expecting to see his usual, er, rugged reflection, he picked up the mirror and...

"Oh Crap! What the hell happened to me?" Snape squealed, "I look worse than the back end of the Knight bus!"

"I think I know who may be behind this," McGonagall said, trying to distract Snape from his reflection.

"Me too. It's that filthy, no good Potter-"

"How can it be? Look, I know you don't like him, but he's in Bulgaria fighting the Dark Lord again, I was thinking more along the lines of Fred and George Weasley."

"Those little..."

"I'll go and get them now, and we can sort out this dilemma. This kind of thing is right up their street, if you ask me."

"I completely agree" Snape replied; now not daring to look in the mirror. And the mirror not daring to look at Snape.

o0o

Meanwhile in the sky...Ron and Harry were having a little singsong.

"I think that we should sing, "Zip A Dee Doo Dah," said Harry.

"What?"

Harry began to teach Ron the song, whilst scoffing Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans. Every so often they would fly a bit lower to see where they were, and Harry was delighted when he saw the Eiffel Tower.

Ron wondered what the hell it was and why it was so weird looking, and then he began complaining that he couldn't feel his backside anymore. He soon forgot about his pain, when they were both nearly killed by a firework display.

Huge rockets skimmed them both, and Ron began shouting at them, using the same kind of inappropriate language he had used in Trelawney's classroom.

o0o

Hermione and Draco, on the other hand, had just seen Big Ben in London. Hermione said that this was a good thing, and at least they were flying in the right direction-ish. She complained that Draco's Nimbus 2001 was "a lot slower than Harry's Firebolt," which became increasingly annoying to Draco.

Trying to relieve the boredom, Draco turned to his 'Bumper Book of Random Questions' but found it a little difficult.

"What's a four letter word showing fear?" He asked Hermione.

"Crap!" shouted Hermione, swerving around a weather balloon quickly.

"Oh thanks, Hermione" Draco said, happily.

"What's another name for a dog?" He asked,

"Erm...Mastiff,"

"Excuse me?"

"Mastiff is another name for a dog." she replied. Draco began laughing, and Hermione shot him a stern look. He stopped, but kept sniggering every now and again.

This journey was obviously going to be a very long one.

o0o

Gilderoy and Rita were having a great time, though; Lockhart was explaining how he beat the Wagga Wagga Werewolf, and how you should never leave your house without a tea strainer.

Rita was enthralled and listened carefully, occasionally looking out of the 'window' for a good story, hoping to see Cornelius Fudge hanging out his underwear on the washing line. Now that would make the front page, she thought: "Minister of Magic flashes briefs at Muggles".

However, so far she had only seen an oil spill and a giant crater, these wouldn't make interesting stories. She became a little concerned when she saw the Statue of Liberty, but Lockhart told her they were taking the 'scenic route.'

o0o

Fred, George and an exceptionally pissed off looking Snape were sitting in McGonagall's office. To divert their attention from Snape's hair, Fred and George stared at the walls and counted cracks in the floor.

Professor McGonagall stalked in looking trying to avoid looking at Snape and his Fabulous Amazing Technicolor Hairstyle. Pulling herself together, she turned to Fred and George. "Now, you two, I know you did this, so own up now and the punishment will be reduced."

"We didn't do that!" Fred shouted.

"Well, who did?" Snape yelled, looking murderous.

"I don't know," George said.

"You two have made a reputation for yourselves as troublemakers, and that's your own fault. I am deducting 50 house points, each, and a week's worth of detentions with Mr. Filch. You may leave," snapped McGonagall.

"What a stupid -" George began.

"I hate them both," Fred glowered.

They both headed for their Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson with Professor Blake. They approached the classroom, which was empty. A notice pinned the door announced: "DADA Class will take place in the Great Hall. If you're reading this notice then you're late - get to the lesson as soon as possible." They sloped off to the Great Hall, still muttering under their breath.

"Ah, here you are," Serina said to them. "Come on then, you haven't missed much. Today we're going to perfect the disarming movement."

Using Lee Jordan as a volunteer, or 'lab rat,' Serina showed them how to remove a wand from their opponent. Putting them into pairs, she told them to "go easy on each other" and practice for a few minutes.

Fred and George went together so they could complain about McGonagall and Snape. Unnoticed, Serina was standing close by and couldn't help overhearing their conversation.

"I hate Snape; he's such a b-"

'Too true,' thought Serina. As George yelled " Expelliarmus," Fred's wand flew to George, who caught it, then handed it back to his brother.

"I'll bet Padfoot never got into this much trouble for nothing," George said, glumly - for Serina this did it.

"I couldn't help overhearing your conversation,' she began. "I happen to have known Padfoot when I was at school, and he did get into a lot of trouble."

"What are you talking about? You knew Padfoot? THE Padfoot?" George said amazed.

"I am Padfoot," Serina said quietly.

"Oh, but you're a, well, y'know," George began.

"A woman? I know. Come with me a moment," he said. He told the rest of the class that they could practice the more forceful disarming spell, as long as they were careful, warning Lee Jordan that no Furnunculus curses were to be used.

She led George and Fred into an unused classroom, which was very dusty.

"Your brother Ron told you a lot about a certain Sirius Black, didn't he?"

"Yeah, but Snape thinks he was making it up cos he was 'confunded,'" Fred said.

'Snape's just an absolute w-" George said, irritated.

"Do you think he was confounded?" Serina asked.

"No, I don't. Harry thinks very highly of his Godfather. He told us so, and we believe him," Fred said.

"Do you want to know the truth, and pull off one of the greatest pranks of Hogwarts History? You'll be remembered forever," Serina said.

"What's the truth?" asked George.

"The truth is... I am Sirius Black. I am Padfoot and I dyed Snape's hair red."

Fred and George laughed, but stopped when they saw Serina's serious face.

"Really?"

"No way!"

"Yes way. And obviously you can't tell anyone that I'm who I really am, or I'll have to leave again," Serina said nervously.

"Wicked!"

After the initial shock of meeting Sirius Black, and swearing on the name of The Marauders that they would keep his secret, Fred and George agreed to meet Serina in the Owlery after school to discuss the infamous prank, which would soon be admired by every Hogwarts student.

Serina, Fred and George returned to the Great Hall to find most of the class in heaps on the floor. Many were covered in multicoloured boils, and others had disfigured faces--which, for some people, were an improvement.

"I said, disarm! Not disfigure! Dear Lord!" Serina cried.

Fred and George could not see this woman as their favourite Marauder, but admired him/her all the same. After repairing her students, Serina dismissed them, and began preparing for her next class with some pesky second year Slytherins.

o0o

There had never been such a day at Hogwarts before. Wherever Snape went, he was followed by gossip and laughter, but he refused to go into hiding. His next Potions lesson was with the Hufflepuffs.

Hufflepuff sadly lost a total of 231 Points, bringing them to last place for the House Cup. They now had -18 points, which had never been heard of before; but then again, it's only Hufflepuff - who cares? *Authors duck as Cedric lovers chuck cushions, axes and other sharp objects at us*

Chapter 6: Just a small Gillywater (That's all I had to drink...right?) (6/8)

In Bulgaria, Voldemort was stressing over the arrangements for the big day, "I don't want bloody roses. I want Mandrakes at the ceremony, you great prune!" Voldemort yelled at the Death Eaters, "Do I look like I want lace? Do I? Look at me man, I'm the bloody Dark Lord. I don't want lace I want velvet, because I'm WORTH IT!"

Crabbe had gone for the cake, which he had ordered from Knockturn Alley's cake shop Dark Cakes: For the Darkness in You. It was treacle, (Harry's favourite) and had a little Voldemort character on top, performing the Avada Kedavra curse on a Muggle (he had chosen it himself).

The after-service entertainment was being sorted by Macnair, who had created a special stage for Harry's murder and a separate one for the musical talents of DJ Crucio.

(His name had caused him many troubles. Anyone who had hold of his or her wands was potentially dangerous to him - at his last gig, he had been tortured because of people cheering for him. They shouted "Crucio!" and the rest he can't remember.)

Wormtail, however, was getting nervous; he was busy preparing the whole "Matrimony" thing, and was crouching in a corner, rehearsing his speech.

The other Death Eaters were organising decoration in the theme "Mandrakes and Torture". The ceremony was set to be the most talked about thing since Snape's hair.

"Voldie, dear!" shouted Lucius.

"Yes, sweetie chums," replied the Dark Lord.

"I've made your robes, would you like to try them on?"

"Yes, be right there."

10 minutes later, Lord Voldemort was standing in his newly made wedding robes. Lucy sobbed with pride and anxiety. If Voldie didn't like them, then poor Lucy had just stitched his last.

Fortunately Voldie approved. 'So innovative, Lucy." he said, the robes were black with pink lacy ruffles at the collar, cuffs and hem. "Perfect," Voldie said twirling in front of the mirror, "er Lucy darling, be honest...does my bum look big in this?"

o0o

"No Ron, it's "My, oh my, what a wonderful day!" Harry complained.

"Oh, right. Ok can we sing something different now? This is getting crap and complicated!"

"Yeah, all right. How about 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?" Ron hadn't looked this scared since he saw an "A" on his Potions homework.

Hermione and Draco however, were busy debating some of the key moral, intellectual questions of life, "Draco, I don't care what you say; Bart Simpson is not a girl!"

"But he looks like one!" Draco retorted.

"He does not!"

This conversation continued for another hour before Draco eventually gave in; Hermione didn't give him much choice, unless he wanted to lose a very close 'friend'.

o0o

"Gilderoy, I think...I think," began Rita.

"Yes Rita?" said Gilderoy in a husky voice (which actually made him sound constipated).

"I think I need..."

"What do you need Rita?" Gilderoy's voice became very dramatic, "Do you need me? To protect you from all of the evil out there?"

"No, I need the bathroom, I'm bursting for a pee!" she said, embarrassed.

"Oh erm...Ok well, there's a lot of forest over there, we'll stop here"

"Is there a Little Chef about? I'm starving," she said, looking.

"A what?"

"Oh never bloody mind!" said a now irritated Rita, her quick-quotes-quill scribbling over some parchment, "No Little Chef...National Disgrace."

o0o

The day had gone very slowly for Snape and his now famous red hair. He was heckled by a very foolhardy 6th year Ravenclaw boy, who asked him whether or not he would be forming a rock band (If you have seen this boy please contact Albus Dumbledore).

Very stressed, he headed to his room.

Serina, Fred and George gathered in the Owlery. To Fred and George's surprise, Serina had already devised a plan.

"We thought some dungbombs would do the trick," said George.

"No way! People aren't gonna remember that! Now listen carefully, and I'll fill you in on The Plan." It would begin tonight.

Fred and George snuck off to the dungeons and Serina headed for McGonagall's office. He knocked on the door and a voice told her to enter. Serina did so, and walked over to Minerva.

"I was wondering whether you and Professor Snape, would join me for a drink in The Three Broomsticks later tonight. I really don't know anyone that well and..."

"Oh, hell yes! I could do with a small Gillywater!" McGonagall said quickly.

"Just Snape to ask then," Serina said, smiling. One down and one to go.

Serina left the room and sauntered towards Snape's office, knowing that he would be only too pleased to go for a drink with her. She knocked on his door and heard a ripping noise, before being asked in.

When Serina entered she noticed that the "Potions Girls" poster was missing from the wall. Affecting her most erm, flirtatious voice, she asked Severus whether or not he would join her in The Three Broomsticks at Hogsmeade for a drink later. "Erm.. Well just for an hour, then. I've got homework to mark."

As she left the room she heard a small "yippee!" noise from behind her.

Phase one complete; no turning back now, she thought to herself.

Serina rummaged through her drawers and thought, Now what would I want a girl to wear on a date? She picked up a very attractive set of robes and threw them into a corner. Right here we go, picking up some basic robes and put them on Last thing I want is to be wearing anything Snape thinks looks good.

Snape, however, rushed around his room complaining that he didn't have any aftershave. "Oh thank God, here's some..."

Big mistake. Note to self: never spray yourself with Veritaserum, may sting.

After intense pain, Snape emerged from his room with his red hair and mauve-coloured robes, made by Cinderella Inc., and enchanted to make the wearer look "less minging".

What he didn't know though, was that there were two red haired boys waiting behind suits of armour.

George whispered, "Slowerus Reductum," and ran back to Gryffindor Tower.

McGonagall, Snape, and Blake all headed for Hogsmeade. It was seven o' clock and night was just falling. They engaged in a conversation about "those pesky, Weasley boys," Serina trying to hold back the laughter.

About 20 minutes later, the three professors arrived at The Three Broomsticks.

It wasn't a very busy night just a few hags gathered in one corner and some over-dressed trolls in another. They sat down at a table near the window, and Serina went to buy drinks.

"What are you both having then?" she asked.

"I'll take a large Gillywater dear, I've had a very stressful day," Minerva said. (Once out of school grounds these teachers become real people, with first names and everything!)

"I'll have a Bodska shot," said Severus, trying to sound ultra-cool and slick. Which would be quite difficult considering Bodska is actually a Vodka substitute minus the alcohol content.

Serina left to get the drinks, and Minerva and Severus began talking about the suitability of the punishment they had given the Weasley twins.

Picking up the drinks Serina 'accidentally' dropped a memory pill into Severus' drink. (The Ministry of Magic banned these, but we're talking about Sirius Black here). Memory pills worked simply; anything that happened that night, Severus would not remember in the morning.

Perfect, thought Serina. She headed back to them with the drinks and they proceeded to have a very entertaining conversation about the many uses of melted chocolate. Two hours later, Severus noticed it was a little draughty. Oh bugger! My robes are shrinking! he thought desperately.

"I'm going to have to leave now, ladies. Thank you for a wonderful night. I'll see you both later," he said, quickly and winked at Serina. He then left for Hogwarts.

George's delayed 'reducto' charm had worked perfectly.

Serina was keeping her head on her shoulders, unlike Minerva who was absolutely trashed. This came as a bit of a shock to Serina, but it meant that the plan would work even better. About one hour later, they, too, left for Hogwarts.

Minerva staggered up the stairs, hoping no one would see her. Serina headed for Gryffindor Tower where the Weasley twins were waiting outside

"Ok, phase two complete," Serina said, happily.

"Great!" The twins grinned at her.

"You know what to do about the rumours?"

"Yeah," said Fred "We go around telling everyone that-"

"No! Don't say it near me! Anyone could be listening!" Serina said, in a hoarse whisper.

"Okay, Okay, keep your heels on!" George said, laughing.

They both returned to their Common Room, whilst Serina headed for her room looking very pleased with herself. The prank was almost complete; all she had to worry about now was whether Harry was kicking Voldemort's ass yet.

o0o

Bulgaria:

"CRABBE! You ate my bloody cake you b-" Voldemort was shouting when a group of his Death Eaters walked in, "Right, that's it! I want someone to get another cake--someone who's not a bloody failure! NOTT! You go and get the cake!"

"Yes sir, right away your Dark Lord, sir. Would you care for the same one?" Nott asked.

"Yes, but see if you can get my figurine's hips a little slimmer, I'm not that big," he said, laughing. He gave the others a piercing stare, and they too began laughing out of fear of losing their lives.

DJ Crucio was setting up his decks and getting out some songs ready for a practice session. He thought that maybe "When I see you die" by "The Imperious Boys" would be a good start; maybe get a little bit of dance in there, as well; "I will Survive (no you won't),"a remix, by Lord Voldemort himself, when he was at school; and maybe a little garage, "21 seconds, (before we kill you)"by the So Dark Crew.

The sky was becoming darker and 3 broomsticks were flying swiftly through the air, miles up, far from any Muggles. Ron and Harry had left musical singsongs and were now indulging in a good ol' bitching sess about none other then our Sevvie.

Sadly they had not been at Hogwarts to enjoy the whole hair fiasco.

"He's just a greasy haired..."

"Black robed..."

"Yellow toothed..."

"Slime ball!"

They shouted together, and cracked up laughing - only regaining their composure when they dropped 100 metres in four seconds.

Draco and Hermione had left their Bart Simpson discussion, and were trying not to hyperventilate. It seems that they were flying a tad too high and were nearly hit by Air Force One.

"Bloody Muggle president!" Draco shouted.

"You good for nothing, money grabbing, pretzel eating..." ranted Hermione.

Draco looked afraid, VERY afraid. He didn't even dare try and calm her down.

Rita and Gilderoy were now enjoying a candlelit dinner in their futuristic flying Rickshaw (Available at all leading toy shops). Gilderoy opened some wine (God knows where he got that from), and Rita got out some crackers and Philadelphia spreadable cheese. They both began telling each other about their lives so far. Gilderoy's story lasted two hours, and Rita's lasted two minutes.

Afterwards, they both began filing their nails. Gilderoy complained that the high altitude was causing his mascara to run, but soon cheered up when Rita handed him some nice pink nail varnish.

Chapter 7: The Bludgers of life: (7/8)

Finally, Ron and Harry could see the penthouse. It wasn't exactly difficult. Who could miss a lurid pink penthouse half way up a mountain? They had stopped off at a local shop and bought milk, as Hermione had requested in her letter. Pinned to the door of the Penthouse was an official looking orange sign:

The marriage of Lord Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy will take place on the 3rd September. Wedding gifts are compulsory.

Harry and Ron had just about read the letter, when two massive hands, picked them up and carried them both inside. They were both thrown into a cage, which had a "DO NOT FEED THE PRISONERS' sign attached to it with spellotape.

Harry and Ron weren't scared as any ordinary wizards may have been in their position. In fact, they both sat down and began reading "Flying with The Cannons". (Oh c'mon there's only so many times that Harry can bravely duel the Dark Lord and barely escape with his life... it's been done before- by someone we wish would hurry up with that fifth book so we have something to do other than write this highly dubious, if not positively Orangiferous rubbish)

o0o

Morning (after the night before) arrived at Hogwarts and Snape awoke with a start.

"What the hell happened last night?" he asked himself. He couldn't remember anything at all.

McGonagall had just woken up, too, and she had a hangover that would even give Hagrid a run for his money. She looked in the mirror and gave a small yelp. She hadn't looked this bad since Fred Weasley had accidentally hit her with a Bludger during a Quidditch match last year.

Serina was dressed and at breakfast already, enjoying the gossip that the Weasley's had successfully spread.

"I heard that they spent the night together.' said a brown haired girl named Susan Bones.

Serina was in her element; this had to be the ultimate revenge of all time. Snape and McGonagall made their way to breakfast (separately, I might add) and entered the Great Hall.

Once again, the hall was filled with silence. Snape now thought that this was some kind of ritual, done just to piss him off. Serina walked over to McGonagall. "Minerva, can I have a word please?" she asked her.

"Certainly Serina," They both went into the Entrance Hall, where Serina gave McGonagall a concerned look.

"So, what are you going to do about last night? Are you going to tell him?" Serina asked.

"What?" McGonagall said, looking slightly confused.

"About you and him--what happened last night you can't just leave it at that. I mean c'mon in 9 months y'know," Serina said, praying this would work.

"What happened last night?" Minerva asked.

"Well you and Severus got a little, over-friendly and left a little earlier," Serina went on.

"Oh my God, I'm not?"

"You are; you took the test last night. I was there."

"Oh my Lord!" McGonagall nearly fainted and looked at Serina, pleading through looks to tell her it wasn't true, but Serina gave a sympathetic smile.

"I think you'd best tell him," murmured Serina, before leaving for her first lesson.

o0o

McGonagall and Snape were asked to check the Quidditch store cupboard, to make sure that all the equipment was in order before the Quidditch season started.

Snape was already in the cupboard (inspecting brooms), when McGonagall turned up. Snape started inspecting the snitch to ensure it hadn't been tampered with, but was wearing gloves because "Potter's caught this thing too many times." McGonagall was absent-mindedly walking around the cupboard/room thing (Call it what you want) picking up the Quaffle, and then placing it carefully back.

She looked very odd, (oh sorry, odd-er than usual) but the silence was soon broken.

"Y'know, I feel like the Bludgers of life are passing me by, without me really getting a good whack at them" she said, thoughtfully.

"Come now, Minerva, Gryffindor won the Quidditch cup last year. Admittedly only by luck, but the team isn't that bad." He said, very unconvincingly, "Anyhow, your Bludgers look fine to me." He said, looking at the Quidditch Bludgers (not the ones you're thinking of).

"I just feel, like...like I'm flying through the air and I've lost my broom," McGonagall said shakily.

"Oh never mind, you can find a broomstick anywhere," he said, only half listening

"I'm not the bloody village bicycle Severus!" she shouted. Snape was quite shocked, he sensed the emotion in the room and he didn't really know how to deal with it.

"Well you can use my broom if you want to, Minerva," he said, half expecting her to lash out at him any second.

"That's the problem Severus, I already did!" She said, now almost crying.

"I'm not sure I understand. You've used my broom, but you're still falling, and you're not hitting the Bludgers hard enough," he said, confused.

"For God's sake, Severus, don't you get it?" she asked.

"I don't really think that's any of your business." Snape said, looking slightly embarrassed (A very peculiar sight, I can tell you).

"No, oh I'll tell you now because you're going to find out anyway."

"What is it?"

"Severus, I am with child."

"What child?" asked Snape looking round. He obviously didn't have a clue in hell what she meant until...

"Pregnant," she said.

THUMP!

That would be the sound of professor Snape, falling to the floor. About a minute later he came around and saw McGonagall standing over him, with a worried look on her face. He slowly got up.

"Tell me that didn't just happen."

"It did," McGonagall said, now heading for the door.

"Wait! Where are you going? You need to talk about this."

McGonagall walked back over to him and they both sat down on some cases, containing Quidditch training brooms.

"The first thing you have to think about is what you're going to tell the father. You can't leave him in the dark, the man needs to know." Snape said, quite pleased with his socialising skills.

McGonagall looked at him in a mixture of amazement and shock. This man was the potions master. That job required at least fourteen O.W.Ls, five N.E.W.Ts and two Ministry degrees; and yet the stupid idiot still didn't understand.

"Severus, you are the father!" she shouted.

THUMP!

"Crap!"

That would be the sound of a professor Snape falling backwards and hitting his head on a beaters club. He got up and stared at her.

"What are we going to do?" he asked, shaking slightly.

"Well, I thought, Aphrodite if it's a girl, and Frederico if it's a boy," she said.

"Not the bloody names woman, the entire situation! You can't have a...a...thing, wandering around Hogwarts!" he said, now getting flustered.

"A thing?" she shouted, looking murderous. McGonagall stormed out of the room and left for her office.

Snape, now a father-to-be stood alone in the room. "Aphrodite and Frederico!" he exclaimed at last "What kind of bloody names are those?" He left, locking the door behind him.

Serina stood around the corner smirking all over her face. This was working better than he'd hoped.

o0o

Hermione and Draco had now reached the lurid pink penthouse. Hermione read the notice that Harry had read about an hour earlier. "Wedding gifts? Oh we didn't bring one!" she said, looking disappointed. "Draco, have you got anything we could pass of as a gift? Draco?"

Draco was standing still, looking as if he'd been petrified or asked to kiss Millicent Bulstrode; Hermione waved her hand in front of him, but he didn't blink.

She read the notice again and understood at once.

"Oh my! Erm...well, I don't really know how to, er...deal with this kind of er...situation," she stuttered, looking at a blank-faced Draco.

"ENERVATE!" she shouted. It worked, and Draco fell to the floor and began crying.

"Why didn't he tell me?" Draco wailed.

"Oh, er maybe he forgot your invitation; or was going to send for you later?" Hermione tailed off hopefully.

Draco continued crying and only stopped when two whacking, great, big hands grabbed hold of him and Hermione and dragged them inside. Hermione saw Ron and Harry in a cage, reading Ron's book.

She shouted at them and they looked up.

"Hermione? What the hell? Where's Viktor Krum, and what are you doing here with Malfoy?" Harry said, disgusted.

"It was all a trick, Harry! It was all a lie! I was never kidnapped, I missed my flight home. That prick, Wormtail, sent you a fake letter," yelled Hermione, still dangling from the giant hands.

"Hey! I think "prick" is a bit harsh," piped Wormtail from a corner.

"Yeah more like a F..."

"AHA! You're here, Mr. Potter and... who the hell are you lot?" asked a very surprised Voldemort. Harry's scar wasn't hurting, which was unusual, instead it began playing music. Everyone, except Voldemort looked bemused.

"Damn thing!" The Dark Lord said, "Wrong frequency." He adjusted a small remote control and immediately Harry's scar let out a shriek, everyone, including Voldemort, covered their ears.

"Ok, so not opera," the Dark Lord said. "Here got it!" Harry's scar began to hurt him. He could still see Hermione and Draco hanging from some bodiless hands.

He passed out.

When he awoke he was sitting in a room with Ron, Hermione and Draco. He and Ron were dressed in "Tuxedo robes", black with a dark green hem and Hermione was dressed in a cheap looking, floral printed (well you can't expect non-company robes to be of the same quality) frock that seriously didn't suit her. It looked like the curtains old Mrs. Figg had, Harry remembered.

Harry looked around at Draco, and was utterly stunned at what he saw. Draco too, was wearing the same cheap, floral smock. And, to make it worse, he looked more attractive in it than Hermione did.

The thing that scared Harry the most though, was the fact that his best friends and Draco weren't showing any sign of life. They all simply sat, staring into space. Harry attempted to talk to Ron but with no success.

"Ron! RON! There's a Veela in here!" No reply. Okay something's up, Harry thought. The only noise that could be heard was a few classical tunes coming from Harry's scar.

The door burst open, and in stepped Voldemort and Lucy!

"Oh my, don't they look beautiful!" screeched Lucy, "I could just eat them up."

"They certainly do," Voldemort replied. They both looked like proud parents.

"Right Potter, you come with me. Revise this paper!" Voldemort threw some parchment at Harry. It had a best man's speech on it. Harry began reading with a look of amazement and disgust. Lucy led the others outside, and beckoned Harry to follow.

Outside, there was an altar and some Mandrakes. The Mandrakes had been cursed so their voices wouldn't kill, but they still looked pretty damn ugly.

Harry's scar began to play the Wedding March. Lord Voldemort had just strolled down the aisle giving Harry a menacing grin.

A few moments later Ron appeared with a cushion, which held two wands. Lucy Malfoy sauntered down the aisle wearing a simultaneously stunning and blinding green robe set, which had a cup and saucer on the back which read "Eat at Andy's Diner".

Behind Lucius walked Hermione and Draco, in a kind of trance; Draco occasionally picked his nose. Lucy finally arrived at the altar and Wormtail began speaking.

"Fellow Death Eaters, we are gathered here today to join the reluctant, Lucius Flora Malfoy and the Dark Lord, Tom "Voldemort" Marvolo Riddle, in Darkest matrimony..." he said in one breath, which proved a challenge.

He continued, "Yadyadyadya, oh yeah, if anyone can think of any reason why these two should not be joined in Dark Lord matrimony, then speak up now, or we'll all be really peed off when they get a divorce later on..."

Silence followed, Wormtail was just about to continue when the doors burst open, a handsome and feminine figure ran down the aisle.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lockhart screamed.

"Nobody?" Wormtail asked, "Ok, well if you both take each other then, I now pronounce you Husband and Dark Lord."

There was cheering as Voldemort and Lucy took the wands on the cushion and shot each other in the arm. They were in pain, but the noise had somehow, accidentally, awoken Ron, Hermione and Draco from their trances. Harry gave them all a look, to act like they were before, and the entire group of people made their way to the party area.

Gilderoy Lockhart began complaining that his hair was a state; whereas Rita Skeeter's quill was in its element. Zooming across the page, she had never before had such a story.

Macnair dragged Harry to his death stage, which was decorated with mandrakes. The guests all sat down, including Ron, Hermione and Draco. Voldemort asked Harry to perform his speech, so the real entertainment could start.

"Well, er...Hi! I guess most of you know me. I'm Harry Potter, The boy who lived, and will soon be killed, no doubt."

A round of laughter filled the room.

"Well, I remember when I was a year old, and dear ickle, wickle, fluffy, Voldie tried to kill me, but well, it didn't exactly work out for him did it?"

More laughter came from Hermione; Ron stared at her in amazement.

"And then, the second year at Hogwarts, I beat him with his own basilisk. No wait...that didn't come out right...Anyway, my fourth year I got away, as well! Bit useless aren't you?"

Harry had put on a "drunk uncle voice", and was now desperately trying to think of how to escape. "Well, I'd just like to say here's to Voldie and Lucy," he said raising a non-existent glass.

Voldemort looked shocked; that wasn't what he had put on that paper. The pesky Potter boy was going to die anyway, so it didn't matter.

"Macnair! If you will proceed, please." Voldemort motioned Macnair to the stage. Everyone now stared like it was a "Days Of Our Lives" cliff-hanger. Naff, but you can't help watching it...

Macnair raised his wand above his head and then pointed it at Harry...

"AVADA KEDA..."

WAIT!!!!!! It's time for a totally unexpected plot twist!

Harry muttered 'Lumos' into his wand (which the mysterious giant hands had forgotten remove) blinding Macnair, Harry jumped off the stage, thanked Voldemort and the others for a splendid evening, grabbed Ron and Hermione and dashed for the door.

Ron pulled out of Harry's grip and ran straight towards Lord Voldemort.

"Can I have your autograph please?" he said quickly. Voldemort was only too pleased.

"Anything for a fan," Voldemort said, signing Ron's security blanket.

"Thanks!" Ron shouted. They ran outside, and waiting for them was Gilderoy Lockhart, who was crying. Hermione grabbed Lockhart and pulled him onto the futuristic flying rickshaw. She ran back to the door and called for Draco, but he was in a trance, still shocked at his father's unknown wedding with The Dark Lord.

Voldemort and the Death Eaters chased them. Harry and Lockhart on one broomstick and Ron and Hermione on the other, they set off into the distance (again). They were five minutes into their escape, when Harry asked Lockhart why he had been crying.

"It was such a beautiful service wasn't it?"

Ron began to laugh outrageously, obviously being the only one who got the joke (if it was a joke) "service! D'you geddit?"Ron spluttered. (Well someone obviously was).

At the next mountain top, Hermione and Ron exchanged places, so Harry needn't deal with Lockhart's life story.

Chapter well the last one! Tying up the loose beginnings (8/8)

Hogwarts:

Thanks to the efforts of Messer's Fred and George Weasley, the entire school had heard different rumours about McGonagall and Snape. Some people, however, had a little difficulty in accepting the facts, Neville for example refused to believe that it was true on the grounds that he couldn't seem to shake off the image of Snape in a dress and a handbag. Purely in order to clear up confusion (and not at all trying to rub Snape's nose in it) Neville screwed up his courage to ask the question that had been plaguing him all day...

"Yes, Mr Longbottom?' Snape said icily.

'Sir, is it true about you and professor McGonagall?" He asked quickly, getting ready to duck behind a cauldron if Snape got angry.

"Er...Well, yes, it is true. Why? Do you have a problem with that?" Snape said a vein throbbing in his right temple. "Now, open your textbooks and read Chapter Four on babies...er, I mean, sleeping draughts."

Shaking, Snape sank into his chair, and began writing an emergency letter to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore however, was not oblivious to the goings on at Hogwarts. He knew all too well that it was a prank, and was going to make Sirius tell them. He still found it very amusing however, so he thought he'd put it off till the end of the fic.

Bulgaria:

Rita Skeeter was having a one on one chat with the Dark Lord, himself, and his wife/husband. "So Rita, how would you feel about a job in PR?"

The Death Eaters and Draco were enjoying a good party. DJ Crucio was a very good DJ. "Let me hear you say CRUCIO!"

"CRUCIO!" They all shouted. The DJ disappeared behind his decks.

Meanwhile in the skies:

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Lockhart all stayed together and discovered that a simple spell would boost their speed. Performing the spell was the easy part; it was staying on the bloody "futuristic flying rickshaw" that was the main problem. They knocked six hours off their journey (see McGonagall's not the only one getting knocked up...oh never mind)

Snape and McGonagall went straight to Dumbledore's office. Serina was already there talking and laughing with Dumbledore. They entered the room, and McGonagall took a seat.

"Albus, we have some news." Snape began "No need to explain Severus, I know," said Dumbledore, trying very hard not to laugh.

"Then you'll understand, that we may have to leave the school?" Snape asked.

"Well, I..." Dumbledore was unable to finish his sentence. Serina let out a snort of laughter.

"Can you please be more serious!" Snape yelled.

"I AM SIRIUS!" Serina shouted, still laughing. The room went silent and Serina just realised what had happened.

"What did you just say?" Snape asked, with a deadly tone to his voice,

"Erm...'Serina began. Dumbledore took over.

"Severus, Minerva. Sirius has taken the role of a woman and has been teaching Defence against the Dark Arts at this school. I knew that if I consulted you, you would have disagreed. But I felt I was making a good decision in hiring him. Would you care to wrap this up, Sirius?"

"Well, er...Thanks, Albus. Well, Minerva...you're not, you and Snape didn't...um,"

"We DIDN'T?" gasped McGonagall, damn that's ten galleons I owe Poppy, she thought.

Snape didn't wait to hear the rest. He launched himself at Sirius and started banging his head on the floor. Sirius wriggled free, and added "oh yeah, and I dyed you hair red", before disappearing in a flurry of black robes as Snape threw him to the ground again and began winding his long fingers around Siriuis' throat. Serina, remembering her ultimate, er girly weapons, kneed Snape in his 'Potions Stirrer' then jabbed Snape in the eye with his wand.

After two or three minutes Dumbledore broke them apart. "Thought I'd let you both get it out of your systems--known you've wanted to do that for a long, long time. I apologise to you both, but I felt it was not my place to intervene."

"You? I can't believe it's you," Snape spat at Serina, looking disgusted.

"Yeah well, Albus I'll collect my things. Any news on Harry?" Serina er, well, Sirius, said, looking slightly bruised.

"He's right there, Sirius." And sure enough, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Lockhart had just landed in the grounds.

"On a futuristic flying Rickshaw!" Snape and McGonagall chorused.

o0o

A few minutes later, everyone was downstairs in the Entrance Hall.

"Harry, it's me, Sirius, and I've got tons to tell you." Sirius said, slyly winking at Snape.

Harry looked gobsmacked, as McGonagall blushed a deep crimson and Snape began humming loudly and staring at the floor.

"Dinner begins in five minutes," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling in Harry's direction.

Harry, Ron and Hermione headed for Gryffindor tower, McGonagall and Snape went their different ways. Sirius remained with Dumbledore and Lockhart.

"Albus, I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to get my ultimate revenge on Snape, and also I think the Weasley twins deserve their house points back."

"Very well, Sirius," Dumbledore said, smiling at Sirius, "but they did go along with the plan." Sirius gave him a puppy dog look.

"Oh very well, I know how much you appreciate troublemakers. And they are masters in their art," Dumbledore said.

They headed for the Great Hall where students were already at their tables, waiting for Dumbledore to arrive. The teachers sat at the top table. As the three Gryffindors clambered into their seats whispers ripped like wildfire through the hall.

"Well, it has been an interesting few days hasn't it?" Dumbledore began. "Before we begin dinner, there are some important announcements to be made:

"Unfortunately, Miss Serina Blake will be leaving us tomorrow, due to very important duties with the Ministry of Magic. Another thing, Mr Potter, Mr Weasley and Miss Granger are to receive forty points each, for their nerve and courage in surviving Lord Voldemort's marriage to Lucius Malfoy."

There was a shocked silence (again, for crying out loud) in the hall "Mr. Draco Malfoy will not be returning to school for awhile." Millicent Bulstrode grunted.

"Another announcement. Nothing in the slightest has happened between Professors Snape and McGonagall, that was a prank by non other than, the Weasley twins." Enormous applauds erupted from the students and the twins flashed a grin at Sirius. "I'd like to congratulate former DADA Professor Gilderoy Lockhart on the publication of his latest literary triumph, 'On Being Blonde and Battling with Basilisks' and to wish him luck with his newest work ' I gate-crashed the Dark Lord's Wedding'" The hall broke into polite applause.

Lockhart, looking very..."Feminine! I know already," flicked his hair back (nearly catching Snape in the eye) and strolled up to the top table to shake Dumbledore's hand and from nowhere 'Simply the Best' began playing.

"And for the last announcement," There was silence. "Our new Defence against the Dark Arts professor will be... Professor Romulus Lupoon".

The school applauded for no apparent reason, and their plates filled with food. Sirius motioned Harry out of the hall and began talking to him. "So you escaped again?"

"Yeah, I'm bloody knackered. You wouldn't believe a guy with Marvolo for a middle name could run so fast!"

"Yeah well, at least you got to see Bulgaria. Anyway, Harry, I'm sorry I can't stay and all that long, but I gotta run before someone finds out I'm here." Sirius handed Harry a small bottle. "Here, as long as you can sneak this into Snape's drink, it'll keep his hair red." Harry laughed and they both returned to the Great Hall.

The following morning, Harry, Ron and Hermione set off for breakfast. Harry found a letter waiting for him in the common room.

Dear Harry,

I've gone into hiding with Buckbeak and we're fine. Tell Fred and George that they did Padfoot proud, and remember to taunt Snape and McGonagall for me.

Sirius.

P.S. I can't tell you where I am in case this letter gets intercepted, but I'll be in touch O. K.?

They set off for the Great Hall and when they entered, Snape and McGonagall were sitting at the top table as far away as possible from each other.

This was turning out to be a most interesting school year.

EPILOGUE So... where are they now? (Because we're not the type of irresponsible authors that would leave you with a completely dodgy and highly improbable ending. We could never do that to you!)

- Rita Skeeter married Wormtail in exchange for a scoop for the Daily Prophet entitled, 'The Inside Life of the Dark Lord.'

- Draco is still in a trance and, sadly, and will be unable to return to

Hogwarts (everyone say awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww).

- Voldemort and Lucy are filing for divorce because Lucy accidentally said "please," and began complaining about McMuggle's burgers. The Dark Lord himself is now spending his Saturday evenings getting "hopeleshly dwunk" and vowing to "get vat blurry Potter boy... geddim good you see if I don't mwhahahahahahahahaha hic."

- Crabbe and Goyle have finally made the Guinness world record as the Heaviest Death Eaters.

- Sirius Black is now back on the run from the Ministry, after a short tea break.

- The Bulstrode family are undergoing treatment for their grunting habits.

- Snape's hair refuses to return to its original colour.

- McGonagall sold a book called 'The Bludgers of life' telling other women how to deal with fake pregnancy.

- Gilderoy Lockhart's, masterpiece, "I Gate-crashed the Dark Lord's wedding," and is available in all leading bookstores. Also, look out for the collector's edition of "On Being Blonde and Battling with Basilisks."

- DJ Crucio is sharing a room with Frank Longbottom in St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. He has hereby sworn to quit DJ-ing.

- By the way, the mirror, which witnessed Snape's hair, needs life-long therapy and a very powerful memory charm. It did, however, get together with Mad-Eye-Moody's old spyglass, and they are now the proud parents of several baby mirrors and cosmetic items and...

- Remus Lupin is currently learning how to speak French. (Ok he wasn't in this story, but hey we love him anyway).