The Most Disgusting Stuff

THE MOST DISGUSTING STUFF

If anybody had told them beforehand how boring it would be, they would never have believed it. They had speculated for months whether or not fourth years would be invited. They had rejoiced in anticipation for weeks once the invitations had arrived. But now Professor Slughorn's Christmas party was proving to be a huge disappointment. Even the excitement of meeting Quidditch stars didn't outlive the utter lack of interest said stars had showed in them. They had not condescended to answer a single of their questions!

Most people were just standing around, eating and drinking and talking. So James and Sirius ended up on two of the rare chairs in a corner of the room and stared moodily at the crowd. They would have loved nothing better than to go back to their dormitory and play a couple of games of Exploding Snap with Peter and Remus, but they had each gotten an owl from their parents telling them to behave at the party. And that included staying till the end.

"I bet that, in less than two minutes, that witch will start laughing and touching that wizard's arm again," said James.

"I'm sick of betting," answered Sirius. "It's no fun when there's nothing at stake."

James sighed. There was nothing wrong with betting with no stake, especially when there was nothing else to do, he thought. But he also knew how fussy his friend could be when it came to his entertainment. He looked around on the table next to him to see if there was any Butterbeer left, or some of those chocolate pastries that were starting to make his stomach ache. Then he saw it: a gleaming bottle with an alluring cork and one of those labels with elaborate writing, the signature of the maker and a red wax stamp. All this tastefully radiated tradition and refinement. James' eyes went wide.

"Hey, Sirius!" he said. "I've got a stake! Look, that's a bottle of Firewhiskey! It's the most disgusting stuff ever!"

"Really? You tasted it?"

"Yeah, I took a sip of it from my Dad's glass, once, when he wasn't looking. It's awful."

He made a face to illustrate his words.

"Merlin, I've never been able to get near anything like that. My father's put one hell of a hex on his liquor cabinet, and he systematically hexes every glass he serves to anyone, so that my brother and I can never get near it."

"Really? What kind of hex?" asked James.

"Dunno the incantation, but you get nasty boils all over your mouth."

James winced at the idea.

"Sorry to hear that, mate," he said. "But, anyway, wanna play a game? We could make bets in turn, and then the one who loses has to take a gulp from the bottle."

Sirius looked doubtful.

"And what if Sluggy's hexed it?"

"Oh, come on, of course he hasn't! Look, I'll take it, okay? Then we can see if it's hexed or not."

James stood up, went over to the table, picked up the bottle and brought it back to their corner.

"See? Nothing happened. Now stop being such a sissy and since I risked my neck, I'm making the first bet."

"I'm not a sissy. I was just wondering if you had a back-up plan if this failed," protested Sirius.

James laughed.

"Yeah, right. Now where's that witch gone?"

He looked around the room and located her with the same wizard she had been flirting with before. They had moved to the table with the pastries. She was now standing much closer to him than before.

"I bet," said James with a very worldly look, "that in less than five minutes, she's going to give him her address."

Sirius sniggered. They set their watches and started observing her, making comments every once in a while.

After three minutes and twenty-five seconds, the witch looked at her pocket-watch. Then she made an exclamation, and reached for her handbag, from which she extracted a card. Then she kissed the wizard on the cheek and glided coquettishly out of the room. He stared after her with a foolish grin.

James did a little celebratory dance on his chair. Then he handed the bottle to his friend.

"There you go. Now show us that you're not a little girl."

Sirius took the bottle valorously and took a swig. Then he spat it out.

"Eurgh," he said, as he swiped his mouth with the sleeve of his dress robes. "You're right. This is vile."

"Didn't I tell you?" asked James, beaming.

"Yeah, I warn you, I'm not losing a bet again!"

"You wish! Okay, now your turn."

Sirius scanned the room, a look of extreme concentration on his face.

"Hm..." he pondered. "I bet that... in five minutes, the mysterious and dashing young man across the room will still be there, oblivious to his surroundings, lost in admiration for us."

"Who? Snivellus? He's been glaring at us all night, he isn't going to stop now!"

They sniggered.

"It's like he's in love with us, or something!" added Sirius viciously.

They blew him hand kisses. Severus Snape, the sworn enemy they had nicknamed "Snivellus", flushed but did not look away. If anything, his attention seemed to intensify, as if he had determined to watch them all night.

"He must think we're up to something," said Sirius. "Miserable git."

"Yeah, he's completely paranoid. Come on, mate, let's just say I've lost and move on to something else."

He took the bottle and swallowed a good swig. Sirius looked properly impressed.

"See," said James, "I'm a real man."

They exchanged a few more bets, but they quickly became bored with it. The time spans were much too long. It took ages before that old warlock took another drag from his pipe - and when he did, the cloud he blew out was not in the shape of a broomstick, but a ring. There was a little wizard who didn't seem able to decide what he should drink, but when he finally did, James wasn't paying attention. He had been looking at a group of girls.

So they decided to play another game they baptised "drink or dare." They would take turns daring each other. They had the choice to drink or dare, in which case it was the darer who drank.

"You go tell Filch that you want some extra detention," said Sirius, who was starting to have trouble concentrating.

"'S not here," answered James.

"What?" Sirius looked around. "Damn! What am I going to ask now?"

He spotted the Headmaster not very far, deep in conversation with an elderly witch.

"Go tell Dumbledore that you want to be his personal slave," Sirius said.

"Okay."

James stood up and walked up to the Headmaster. That wasn't as easy as usual: he had distinct trouble walking straight. Half-laughing, he made his way through the crowd. He nearly bumped into a House Elf carrying a heavy tray.

"Excuse me, sir," he said when he had reached Professor Dumbledore. Then he dissolved in a fit of giggles.

"Yes, Mr. Potter, how may I help you?" Dumbledore didn't seem bothered by the interruption. His companion, however, looked rather shocked.

"Excuse me, Professor," resumed James, grasping for breath, "can I be your personal slave?"

Dumbledore chuckled benevolently.

"No, thank you, Mr. Potter. I have no need for one. But I thank you for your kind offer. Maybe you could go back to your friend Mr. Black? He seems to be longing for your conversation."

James left, unable to contain his hilarity, under the scandalized gaze of the old witch, who started telling Dumbledore rather angrily that the youth nowadays was not what it used to be.

Sirius and James were really starting to enjoy themselves, now. Drink or dare was really a fun game. For a while, they Levitated some glasses just out of reach of a couple of high-ranking Ministry officials. Then they ripped the robes of a very curvaceous witch. She left in a hurry, keeping herself covered as well as she could, pushing everybody in her way to the door. From the other end of the room, Severus Snape was looking at them more and more malevolently, but he didn't know that his hair had been turned bright pink. In between pranks, the boys took swigs in turn from the bottle, which seemed to have been Charmed to refill.

But then James dared Sirius to go slip an ice-cube under Celestina Warbeck's robes. Just as Sirius let it fall into her neck, she gave an ear-piercing shriek that made everybody turn to look at her. Sirius was standing stock-still, looking very red in the face.

Professor Slughorn came scurrying over to see what was happening. When he saw who the culprit was (Celestina was holding him by the ear), he laughed genially.

"My, my, it looks like my favourite little scoundrel is at it again," he said, wagging a fat finger at Sirius. "It's not done, you know, pulling pranks on ladies. You can let him go now, Celestina. Come on, Sirius. I'm sure it's very much past your usual bedtime, and it's the end of term. You must be exhausted. I don't want you to miss the train, tomorrow. Why don't you go back to your dormitory?"

So James and Sirius smuggled the bottle of Firewhiskey out of the party. Before they got to the door, though, they passed a group of chatting girls. James turned to them.

"Hey, Evans, wanna go out with me?" he yelled.

His proposal was met with an icy silence. All the girls looked at him in outrage. This was a new cause for hilarity, though, and James and Sirius set back to Gryffindor Tower howling with laughter, if not at all steadily.

* * *

That night, Peter and Remus played a few games of Wizarding Chess in the common room, but their hearts simply weren't in it. Peter said that he was tired, and that he didn't like parties, anyway. Remus said nothing. They went up to their dormitory early. Remus picked up a book, Peter played with his miniature Quidditch figurines.

It was very quiet in the dormitory when they heard irregular footsteps in the corridor. A door opened.

"Oops, sorry," said someone. It was Sirius.

Then they heard someone fall and let out a string of swearwords. That was James. A moment later, the door swung open.

"You gotta fight... for your right... to party!" blared Sirius.

He was flushed and had trouble standing up. He had a bottle in his hand. Behind him came James, looking extremely giggly. He leaned on the door frame for support.

"What's the matter with you?" asked Peter and Remus, quasi simultaneously. They had both laid their occupations aside when they had heard Sirius.

"Oh, Peter," cried out Sirius. He had sat down next to him and had flung an arm around Peter's shoulder. He pushed the bottle in front of his friend's face. "You godda...you godda try this."

"What is it?" asked Peter. He took the bottle from Sirius.

"Firewhiskey," answered Sirius. "It's the...the most delio... delicious thing there is." "Firewhiskey?" said Peter, his eyes wide open. "Cool!"

"Try it," said Sirius, nudging him.

Peter sniffed the bottle and took a cautious sip (with Sirius, you never knew what he was really making you drink). Then he made a face.

"Eurgh," he said. "It's disgusting!"

James and Sirius cheered him loudly. Then they turned to Remus.

"Now your turn," they said.

"No, thanks," answered Remus.

"Come on, don't be such a...such an old woman," said James.

"No, really not."

Sirius took the bottle away from Peter. He stumbled to Remus' bed and held it out to him.

"Come on," he said. "Just ... just a little bit. For your friends."

Behind him, James giggled again.

"I know why he doesn't want to drink,' he said. "He's... he's afraid it's going to turn him into a werewolf."

He had said the last words very loudly. Remus stood up abruptly and slammed the door shut.

"Shut up about that!" he said angrily.

But James couldn't stop laughing.

"Lupin is a werewolf, Lupin is a werewolf," he sang, pointing at Remus.

"Shut up!" Remus repeated. "Are you out of your mind?"

And then, without warning, James threw up on the floor. Peter and Remus groaned in disgust, but Sirius took his wand out.

"Not to... not to worry," he slurred. "I know the spell."

He theatrically rolled up his sleeves, letting his wand fall on the floor a couple of times.

"Eva...Evanishko!" he shouted, finally managing to swish it above the pool of vomit. It caught fire.

Remus grabbed the nearest water jug and emptied it on the floor. It turned into a soggy brown mess with burnt bits floating in it. It gave an acid smell.

"Eurgh," he commented. "Well, there's nothing to do about it, we'll have to wait till the House Elves come to clean up."

Then he went to Sirius and took the bottle out of his hand.

"Come on," he said. "It's time to go to sleep. Tomorrow we have to get up early to go home..."

At this word, Sirius burst into tears and flung himself in Remus'arms.

"I don't wanna go home," he wailed. "I hate it there..."

"C'mon, Sirius, it's gonna be OK," said Remus nervously. He patted his friend on the back while trying to steer him around the vomit to his four-poster bed. "You know you can come to see us whenever you want."

"You're...you're too good for me," blubbered Sirius. "I don't deserve it. I'm gonna end up a Dark wizard like the rest."

"C'mon, Sirius, that's nonsense," said Remus.

Meanwhile, James tried to follow them, still trembling from throwing up. He slipped in his vomit and fell. He got up again with the help of Remus' bed curtains, which he smeared liberally with the brown stuff.

He caught up with Remus and Sirius as Remus helped the crying Sirius sit down on his bed. James hugged them both.

"You're my best friend," he mumbled.

Sirius lost his balance and fell on the bed. James followed suit while Remus disengaged himself. He looked at them: they had both fallen asleep in each other's arms, cheek on cheek. They started snoring in each other's ear.

Remus looked at Peter.

"So what do we do now?" he asked.

"Just leave them," answered Peter with a shrug.

Remus put the bottle on Sirius' night stand and closed the curtains. Then he went to his own bed and extinguished the lights.

The next morning, when the alarm clock went off, there were some plaintive groans. Then there was a yelp. James emerged from Sirius' bed, very groggy but also very red in the face. The incident was never mentioned again.

THE END