Draco Dormiens in Fifteen Minutes

Draco Dormiens in Fifteen Minutes

Potions

Harry: *Is Draco* Ah, fuck, Malfoy! I'm you!

Draco: *Is Harry* I'm you!

Harry: This! *Punches Draco* Is! *Punches Draco* All! *Punches Draco* Your! *Punches Draco* Fault!

Draco: How is it MY fault?

Harry:*Passes out*

Snape: AHH! FUCK! YOU KILLED DRACO MALFOY!
Neville: That. Is. Mad. Cool.

The Hospital Wing

Snape: HE'S UNCONSCIOUS! Potter! This is YOUR FAULT! DUMBLEDORE!!!!!!

Dumbledore: Ah, fuck, that Malfoy kid's mad evil. Let's send him home so we only have, uh... Snape, how many Slytherin kids are there?

Snape: 400.

Dumbledore: 400 Death Eaters left!

Snape: Hey, did that include me?

Dumbledore: Um. Maybe.

Snape: I KEEL YOU!

Dumbledore: Look! SHAMPOO!

Snape: *Spins around* OMGWTFWHERE?!?!

Dumbledore: *Runs away really, really fast like people in cartoons*

Snape: Hey!

Malfoy Manor

Lucius: Hey, Draco.

Harry: OMGWTF!

Lucius: Hey, can I cut your arms off?

Harry: No, thanks, Dad. Later, 'kay?

Lucius: Deal.

Gryffindor Tower

Hermione: So, um, you're totally not Harry.

Draco: ...

Hermione: WHERE THE FUCK IS HE!?

Draco: ...

Hermione: VERITAS!

Draco: And... that - fuck, ow.

Hermione: So, um, where's Harry?

Draco: Possibly in my father's bed.

Hermione: And... are you a virgin?

Draco: GET THIS FUCKING SPELL OFF ME!!!! - Yes.

Hermione: Cool. Let's go to your house so I can sleep with your dad too.

Draco: What was that?

Hermione: LET'S SAVE HARRY!

Draco: That's A-OK with me!

Everyone Reading DD: *Stares at Draco*

Draco: Um. Yeah. I forgot to tell you, Granger, I'm in love with him.

Hermione: Yeah. Everyone knows that.

Draco: DID GOYLE TELL YOU ABOUT THE YULE BALL INVITE I ALMOST - ALMOST - SENT HIM!?

Hermione: ...

Draco: Ah, fuck.

Outside of Malfoy Manor

Draco: And THIS spell that my dad created will slice you up into, like, fifty zillion pieces.

Hermione: 'Kay, let's levitate!

Draco: Cool with me. OW! FUCK! I cut my leg. And it hurts.

Hermione: Ah, it's bleeding! Oh, Draco, should you take your trousers off?

Draco: SURE! I've always wanted to try it while levitating.

Hermione: You said you were a virgin.

Draco: Lovely way to lose it, don't ya think?

Hermione: ...No.

Draco: Oh, look. Now I'll have a lovely scar to show my grandchildren.

Hermione: Six inches to the left and grandchildren would have been out of the question.

Nothing: *Is funnier than that line*

Draco's Bedroom at Malfoy Manor

Draco: *Waves at Harry through Draco's bedroom window* HI, HARRY!

Harry: I'm... wow, Lucius, you really have to stop giving me those pills.

Hermione: Hey, Harry.

Harry: Usually in my pill-induced fantasies, your shirt's in a different place.

Draco: AHEM.

Harry: Sorry. Where's Ron?

Hermione: Hello to you too. ...Erm. Why are you tied to the bed?

Harry: Your dad has some pretty weird ideas about what's hot, Malfoy.

Hermione: Oh, Harry...

Draco: I'm pretty sure he's kidding.

Hermione: ...

Harry: ...

Draco: Are you?

Harry: Yes.

Hermione: *Sighs*

Harry: *Coughs*

Draco: *Raises an eyebrow*

Harry: You know, I've always wanted to be able to do that.

Draco: TOO. BAD.

Lucius: *Knocks* Oh, honey-pie!

Draco: Hermione, come on, let's hide in the closet!

Hermione: Hooray for teenage hormones!

Harry: I don't get it.

Hermione: That's because you're a hero.

Lucius: DRAAAACO! Are you talking to yourself again?

Draco: ...

Harry: *Whispers* He thinks you're on drugs.

Draco: Oh, okay.

Hermione and Draco: *Enter the closet, pressing really close to each other*

Harry: BOUNDARIES, PEOPLE.

Lucius: OPEN THIS DOOR, FREAK!

Harry: *Mutters* You know, you sound a lot like my uncle.

Lucius: *Bangs the door open* What was that?

Harry: I don't know.

Lucius: Why didn't you open the door?

Harry: 'Cause you're seriously into bondage.

Lucius: Oh, yeah. Forgot about that. Sorry. Hey, wanna help me guard this freak dude named Sirius Black?

Harry: Sure!

Harry and Lucius: *Leave*

The Wardrobe Draco Is Locked In With Hermione

Draco: *Pounds on the closet door* NOOOOOOO! I've been waiting for that job for YEARS!

Hermione: He's Harry's godfather.

Draco: WOW. He must SUCK.

Hermione: Yeah, he kinda does. But he's hot.

Draco: I saw his Wanted posters.

Hermione: And?

Draco: Seen better. Ever checked out Potter's ass?

Hermione: No, I can't say that I have.

Draco: Okay, let's leave.

Hermione: Can't, the door's locked.

Draco: I know. It locks from the outside. I'd know, because it was Punishment Chamber when I was a kid.

Hermione: I so don't wanna know.

Draco: So, wanna make out?

Hermione: Okay!

Draco: Oh, by the way, Harry's in love with you.

Hermione: That. Is so. Rad.

Draco and Hermione: *Make out*

Malfoy Manor Dungeon

Harry and Lucius: *Are walking through the dungeon, holding hands*

Lucius: This is soooo romantic.

Harry: Didn't'cha say something 'bout Sirius Black?

Lucius: Oh, I see. Is that how it is!? Fine!

Harry: No, I meant -

Lucius: Fine! Just stay here and watch the prisoner while I - *Sniffles* - Excuse myself.

Harry: Fine.

Lucius: *Leaves*

Harry: Hey, Siri!

Sirius: Hi, Harry. Hot haircut.

Harry: Yeah, thanks, how'd you know I'm not Malfoy?

Sirius: Harry, think about it. What's a dog's strongest sense?

Harry: Um. Smell?

Sirius: And who smells better, you or Draco Malfoy?

Harry: ...Me?

Sirius: WRONG.

Harry: *Weakly* I guess this is process of elimination, isn't it?

Sirius: Indeed.

Harry: So, I'ma save you later, 'kay? I'm SuperPotter today.

Sirius: Mad cool. Malfoy's coming back.

Harry: Oh, okay. *Turns to Lucius* Hello!

Lucius: Hey.

Harry: *Hugs Lucius, peers at Sirius over his shoulder, and pretends to gag*

Sirius: *Pretends to gag*

Lucius: *Plays with his wand. THE OTHER WAND.*

Harry: AH, FUCK! IT'S A REALLY UGLY OLD DUDE!

Voldemort: Yo, Draco.

Harry: Um. Hi.

Voldemort: Voldie's in da HOUSE!

Lucius: Erm, technically it's a Manor, 'cause, you know, I'm mad rich and all.

Voldemort: Oh. Yeah. Forgot.

Harry: Um, yeah, this is getting a little uncomfortable. Yeah. I'm gonna go back to my room, so um...

The Wardrobe

Harry: *Opens the closet door and sees Draco and Hermione with their hands up each other's shirts* WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?

Hermione: Oh, um, yeah, you're mad lucky we didn't get to the whole... next part.

Draco: *Grabs Hermione's shirt and pulls it down so that the scene is yet again PG-13*

Hermione: Nice catch.

Draco's Room

Harry: So, escape plan, any questions?

Draco: Um. Yeah. What does 'Mione get to do?

Harry: Hide in the closet thing.

Hermione: *Punches him in the face*

Harry: *Falls over*

Draco: Ooh, fuck, I remember when you did that to me... ha-ha, Potter got smacked...

Hermione: *Beats the shit outta Draco*

Harry: Ha-ha, Malfoy got -

Hermione: *Seriously glares at Harry*

Harry: Point taken.

Malfoy Manor Dungeons

Hermione: Let's go get Sirius out of the dungeons! Malf, even though it's your house, you get to wear the cloak, 'cause if Voldie sees you, then -

Harry and Hermione: *Grin evilly*

Draco: What?

Hermione: If Voldie sees you, he'll kill you and our mad mass murderer problems will be solved.

Draco: Sorry. Not gonna happen. Gimme the invisibility cloak.

Hermione: Fine!

Harry: Hey, Daddy! I'm Draco, your... Dragony son!

Lucius: Hiya, pal! Who's that lovely young lady?

Hermione: I'm... uh... Mandy Brocklehurst. His girlfriend.

Lucius: I must say, I'm relieved to see you have a girlfriend, Draco. I was beginning to think you were going to turn out to be gay.

Nobody: *Is gayer than Lucius*

Lucius: So, like, you wanna, like, come to my party? Draco, go get your mum.

Harry: *Goes to get Narcissa*

Draco: *Picks up a lamp*

Lucius: *Tries to get in Hermione's pants*

Draco: *Invisibly throws a ton of shit at Lucius*

Harry: *Returns* WHAT THE FU-DUCK!?

Draco's Room

Hermione: *Attempts to get changed* Malfoy, you're over there, invisible, aren'tcha?

Draco: No.

Hermione: Oh, okay then. *Starts to get changed* Hey, wait a minute! *Gets dressed in corner* Wow, I look hot in this dress.

Draco: Tell me something I don't know.

Harry: So, um, what made you have your little tempertantrum, Malfoy?

Draco: Oh, uh, yeah. My dad was trying to get in Hermione's pants - uh, skirt.

Harry: Oh. Yeah, I'ma kill him.

Hermione: Oh, I LOVE Eminem! What other songs do you know?

The Party

Harry: So, um... Mandy... wanna make out?

Hermione: Yeah, totally.

Lucius: STOP RIGHT THERE! THIS IS THE POLICE!

Hermione: Uh-oh.

Harry: Look, dude, you can not sleep with my girlfriend. Sorry. Off-limits.

Lucius: Aww, MAN! Anyway, this other lady I was sleeping with, um, you know, she says you're not Mandy Brocklehurst. So... yeah, Dray, sorry, I'm gonna be cliche. You guys don't mind, do you?

Hermione, Harry, and Draco: Nah, no, it's okay.

Lucius: I don't want to hurt you, but I will.

Harry: *Does his best to not laugh* Liar. *Cracks up.* You *Laugh* Love *Laugh* Hurting *Hysterical* ME!

Some Dude Offstage: Take two! Bring in the stunt doubles!

Two Transvestites (one blond and one with long blond hair): *Enter*

The Death Eater Freaks: *Beat them up*

The Transvestites: *Leave*

Harry and Lucius: *Return*

Lucius: So, um, where's Potter?

Hermione: You talkin' to me?

Lucius: Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! Ah, fuck. Crucio!

Hermione: Holy. Crap. FUCK, this hurts!

Draco: *Enters, uninvisible, cracking up* It's me. Harry Potter. I'm *Hysterical* Here.

Everybody: *Cracks up*

Cassie: I swear, it came to me in a dream! I so did not write that line.

Draco: Uh-huh, sure you didn't.

A Random Cage

Harry: Malfoy. Why are you in a cage?

Draco: Apparantly, Dad doesn't like you.

Harry: Thanks for sharing. I'll be sure to keep out of his way in future. Anyway, gimme your hand.

Draco: Why?

Harry: 'Cause I'm SuperPotter.

Draco: Good point. *Gives him his hand*

Harry: *Slices it open with a knife*

Draco: Holy. Shit.

Harry: It's just so I have Malfoy blood and don't set off your little fire alarm, don't have a heart attack.

Draco's Bottomless Pit

Harry and Draco and Hermione and Sirius: *Battle Voldemort and shit like that, then run away*

Harry: *Is mad pissed at Draco*

Hermione: *Is mad pissed at Draco*

Sirius: *Is in love with Draco*

Draco: *Wants to leave*

Harry: Oooh, pretty hole in the ground, what's that? Hey, Hermione, I love you. *Falls*

Draco: Holy. Shit.

Outside the Bottomless Pit

Fred and George and Ron: *Appear in a flying car*

Draco: Wow, that's convenient.

The Car: *Grabs Harry outta the Bottomless Pit thing*

George: That exit line. Was fucking. Awesome.

Fred: Yeah, dude, if you're gonna fall into a Bottomless Pit, that's the way to do it.

Harry: Shall I do an encore?

Hermione: No. Hey, Harry, do you love me?

Harry: Can't answer that, sorry.

Hermione: You don't get another chance after this.

Harry: Still can't answer it. *Puts on a girly voice* I'm Chase Matthews and I feel it would wreck our friendship.

Ron: Dude, not funny.

Harry: ...

Ron: Zoey's hot.

Fred: Okay, we're going home. Hermione, sit on someone's lap.

Hermione: *Sits on Ron's lap*

Ron: I am the happiest boy alive.

Harry and Draco: *Glare at Ron*

Ron: Hermione. I'm scared.

Hogwarts

Draco: So, um, Hermione. According to gossip, we're sleeping together.

Hermione: Sweet! Friends with benefits!
Draco: Minus the benefits, of course.

Hermione: Of course.

Draco: So, you wanna?

Hermione: Can't.

Draco: Still in love with Harry?

Hermione: Yep.

Draco: Oh, okay. Well. The cliche scene's gonna be in the room with the Mirror of Erised, so, uh...

Hermione: 'Kay, thanks.

Gryffindor Tower

Harry: Ah, crap, forgot the background info. Hey, Ron, did I mention I'm a Magid? That's when I can do wandless magic and communicate telepathically with other Magids. Malfoy's a Magid, you know. I can place dirty thoughts in his mind.

Ron: Mad. Awesome.

Harry: Yeah! So, uh, when my powers kick in, it's gonna snow - only the snow'll be blue. Kay?

Ron: Yeah.

Harry: And they'll kick in right when I have my first kiss with Hermione, of course.

Ron: Of course.

Harry and Hermione: *Have their first kiss*

Draco: *Glares at them*

Ron: You are an apathetic shithead.

Draco: *Grabs his heart, as if touched* Thank you!

Ron: *Walks away huffily*

The Finale

Draco: *Gets a letter, and reads aloud* Dear Draco, I'm marrying Sirius since the divorce with your father just got put into place. Yes, I know Order of the Phoenix says that we're cousins, but Cassie wrote this way before that book came out. So, Harry's gonna be your brother. Love you. Bye! Sincerely, Mum.

Harry: *Is in shock*

Draco: *Is in shock*

Hermione: *Runs out in her purple dress*

Lucius: *Chases her*

Hermione: HOLY. CRAP.