Goodbyes

Goodbyes

*

Starting to Understand

*

When the full moon shines its light,

When we see the heart of night,

Tears form up in our eyes

When moon rises, you won't rise.

I'd love to have you here with me

To love you, show you what I see:

The world you always fought for is

Ours, it's yours, but never his.

*

Safe travel for you,

My love.

Safe travel now,

You have gone.

Safe travel for you,

My love

You have gone -

I still love you.

*

It was dark and quiet in Severus's quarters as the Potions Master entered them. This was the first time anybody had been there after the last battle against Voldemort.

With a slight touch of his hand he led the magical wheelchair further to his rooms, letting the door click shut behind him.

The curses he'd received in the last battle had left him crippled for life. Never again would he sweep through the dungeons, never again would he threateningly walk midst his students in the Potions classroom. Not that they'd been threatened anyway - after his speech in Remus's funeral probably no one would ever again take him seriously.

He didn't even know how he'd let those overemotional words leave his mouth. Not that he didn't mean them, no, each and every one had come straight from his heart. The thing he regretted was letting all those truths outside for everyone to hear.

Remus would have been happy about it, he knew that. His beloved husband had always been saying that he should show his emotions more. He'd never done that - never, until Remus was already gone.

Severus let out a deep sigh, closing his eyes momentarily. If he could have changed one thing in his life, he'd have told Remus more that he loved him. Of course Remus had known that, for he'd shown it to him on every moment of every day, but he could not recall ever saying aloud, "I love you." Remus had told it to him more times than he could ever count, had all the time both shown his love and said it aloud, which was something Severus had never been able to do.

Now, he regretted his lack od courage, for he never could say it to Remus in this life.

He remembered very well what had happened in the funeral. Originally, he'd planned to just watch the formalities from shadows, letting nobody notice him. Later, he would have gone to the grave, mourning the loss of his husband in private. But as he'd seen all those people gathered around Remus's grave, and heard Arthur Weasley talking about him, something had clicked inside him. It hadn't taken much coaxing from Albus to make him go forward. And as he'd sat on the edge of the grave, looking down to where Remus's lifeless body now lay, his eyes burning with tears he would never let fall in public... Something had just opened a dam inside him, making words pour out from his mouth. Now, everyone knew about he and Remus's relationship.

He was sure that wherever Remus was now, he was smiling in satisfaction.

His eyes caught a flash of light on glass, and he moved his seat nearer. On a little table next to his bookshelf full of Potions books he found a framed photo. In the middle of dark brown frames he saw two men. One of them, with prematurely greying golden hair and warm amber eyes was smiling warmly, and the other, with black hair and eyes, managed to get something resembling a smile to his lips. They both had an arm around the other's shoulders, similar golden bands on their left wrists.

They were Remus and Severus Lupin-Snape, bonded for eternity.

A quiet sob escaped the thin lips as Severus watched the picture. Albus had taken it on the same day as he'd bonded them. Severus had, of course, been reluctant to be photographed, but Remus had spoken into it - Remus was the only one who could make Severus do anything.

Remus was the only one who could ever make him smile.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he watched the familiar picture. It seemed that all joy and happiness in his life had died along with Remus.

Not that he was going to kill himself, no. In that he hadn't lied to the Headmaster. The old fool shouldn't have charmed him - if he truly had been going to kill himself, he wouldn't have let anything stop him, not even the fact that he would have killed Albus before he'd died himself.

But, Remus had bought him his life, and he valued Remus's sacrifice far too much to throw it away. Nothing had ever been dearer to him than Remus, and if he'd lost his husband in exchange of his own life, he would hang on life for as long as he only could.

Besides, he had promised Remus.

Severus remembered it like yesterday. They'd sat there, in that very room, side by side on the couch. Remus's head had been resting on Severus's shoulder, his eyes half shut in hte usual post-full moon exhaustion.

Then, suddenly, Remus had broken the silence by asking, "Do you love me, Severus?"

The question had taken him by surprise, so for a moment he hadn't said anything. After getting over the initial shock, he'd said, "I would gladly die for you, Remus. I would kill for you without a second of hesitating. Don't you know that?"

"Yes, I know," Remus had replied quietly. "And it just confirms my fears."

"What fears, dear?" had Severus asked, astonished. Whatever was disturbing Remus now, he had no idea.

"That you'll kill yourself for me." Turning towards him, Remus had continued, "If I die, Severus... No matter what the circumstances... Promise me you won't kill yourself."

"Remus, I -" Severus had started, but he'd been interrupted by his husband.

"Just promise me, Severus, love," had Remus demanded, tiny tears appearing in the corners of his eyes.

What else could he have done but given the werewolf his word?

The tears hust increased in speed and amount, flowing down his cheeks and soaking the front of his robes, but he did nothing to stop them. He felt that this was right, that Remus was worth his fullest grief. Only tears, flowing freely from his pure sorrow, were enough to describe his feelings over the loss of his beloved.

Severus didn't want anything as much as to see his lover again, to again embrace Remus and be embraced by him, to finally whisper those three words to the slightly pointed ear. But that he would not get, for he was alive, and Remus was not. Only after he died, he would again be together with his beloved, and Merlin knew when that would be.

With his usual luck, he'd live longer than even Albus. Even though the old fool seemed to be impossible to kill off - he was still alive, and not for the lack of trying by his enemies, that was for sure - Severus would most probably live long enough to see the Headmaster to his grave. Shit, with his usual luck, he'd see Potter's grandchildren die far before he could join Remus.

His heart heavy and tears still streaming down his cheeks, Severus rolled his wheelchair towards their bedroom. Every inch he moved hurt, not physichally, only in his heart. His very heart and soul hurt, having lost the thing that had been their most precious treasure for the past years. Everywhere he saw signs of Remus - a book he had forgotten on the table, a little decorative statue, a letter on the desk -

Severus blinked. He was absolutely sure that there hadn't been any letter on the desk when he'd last left the quarters - the day before Voldemort had attacked. Only Remus had been there after it.

But, whom could he leave letters to? And why?

Desiring an answer, Severus warily rolled to the desk. A lump formed in his throat as he read his own name, tidily written over the sealed parchment scroll with Remus's familiar, round handwriting.

With only slightly trembling hands, he broke the seal, starting to read the letter. It'd most probably been the last thing Remus had ever written.

"Severus,

The one I love.

Tomorrow, there's going to be a battle, I know it. Call it whatever you want, a woman's instinct if you must (that's what Sirius always said), but I know that the Death Eaters are going to strike tomorrow.

Also, I know that only one of us will be returning from that battle alive.

Yeah, I do know that one of us won't return. As you're reading this, it's clear that the one who died was me. I don't know how that happened, but if my death saved a single life, and especially if it was your life, I'm glad it was so.

I love you so much that I'm aching. Of course, nothing will separate us forever, not even death, but the mere thought of being away from you for a single day is overwhelming. I don't want that, I want to be with you forever and always, till we die on each other's arms, but it shall not be as I wish.

Therefore, I'm now leaving you my last message.

I love you, Severus, I love you with everything that is in me. Every fibre of my soul, my magic, my very being is reaching towards you, not wanting to let go. You love me, also, that much I know. It's hard to you to say it, after so many years of hiding every single hint of your feelings behind that cool mask, but you've shown it to me on every moment of our life together. There's no need to say it, Severus - how could words ever be more than the obvious love shining from your eyes?

I know you'll never forget me, just like I'd never forget you if I was the one to stay alive - but still I ask you, Severus, do not forget me. Remember me, for as long as you do, a little piece of me will be with you.

And that's the most I could ever ask for - to be with you, always.

With all my love,

Remus."

And at that, Severus finally broke down. He threw the letter away from himself, hid his face, and cried. He cried as freely and unboundedly as a little child, not holding back a single tear.

Remus had known that one would not return, and still, he had went to the battle. When he'd stepped in front of the curse, he'd known that there was nothing to save him anymore, that one of them was destined to die that night and it would be him.

No, he would never forget Remus. He'd kill himself rather.

And that he'd never do, for he had promised Remus.

All he could do was to hope that it wouldn't take too long from him to die.

*

I won't forget what you were like.

I won't forget your sacrifice.

I wanted to tell that I love you,

Now I've said it. Too late, and too

Hard to me to stand at all.

I wanted to be the one to fall,

You bought my life, not worth of it.

You gave me this - the bitter bit.

*

Safe travel for you,

My friend.

Safe travel now,

Through the end.

Safe travel for you,

My friend.

Beyond the end,

I'll be with you.

*