When the Shadows Cry

Your past is full of darkness,

Crying bitter tears,

Forced to a willingness

To face what you most fear.

*

Over the weeks and months, Severus and Lupin talked more and more often. When he took the Wolfsbane to the werewolf, if not any other time. Black was never around at those times - Severus suspected that the man didn't want any reminders of his husband's "beast" side.

During all those lengthy conversations, Severus learnt a lot more about Lupin. Not only about Black's bastardy deeds - which he didn't find the slightest bit surprising - but also the werewolf himself. His hopes, wishes, dreams - and how Black had succesfully crushed those all, making Lupin think that he wasn't worth even something as simple as hope of better. The Slytherin figured that this was one of the many reasons why Lupin hung on the abusive relationship and marriage, without doing anything to stand up to himself. Black had so completely managed to destroy Lupin's honour, self-respect, and sense of his own humanity, that the man truly thought he was no more than an animal. This enraged Severus, making him hate Black even more than before.

At some point, he slipped from calling the werewolf "Lupin" to calling him "Remus." As he firstly used the man's given name, Remus looked a bit startled, then relaxed. He, however, pleaded Severus to still call him Lupin in the public, as well as he'd before sworn Severus to secrecy about the fact that they were even civil to each other. Severus understood, and did as he asked. The less reasons Black had to suspect Remus cheating on him, the better to the werewolf.

Severus even managed to find a potion that made Black's rapes around the full moon manageable to Remus. Not painless, no, and definitely not any less agonizing, but at least they didn't drive the small brunette to depression and self-blaming anymore.

Well, not as much anyway.

But, through time, Severus noticed that he thought about Remus more and more often. And, he often felt honestly worried about the small man. Before, it had been just slight concern, more because of Remus's importance to their cause as a link to the Dark creatures than because of the man himself. Slowly, they'd managed some kind of a companionship, and Severus had noticed that he cared about the man, not about his meaning to the Order.

Now, he was beginning to think about the man as his friend.

Some long-forgotten, hidden part of his mind told him that friends helped each other - in more than a potion here and there, or a couple of comforting words, or expressing his hate to the shared agonizer.

And this annoyed Severus more than anything, since he couldn't find any reasons to disagree with this part of himself.

*

Severus watched closely the silver pendant in front of him. There was a large, blue stone in the middle of the pendant, shining a soft, blue light to the dim room.

With a murmured incantation and a flick of his wand, he activated the pendant. It was charmed to channel all sounds from a previously defined place. He'd activated it before in the morning as he'd been taking the Wolfsbane to Remus. Therefore, it would now channel him the sounds from Remus and Black's bedroom.

Severus wasn't a vouyerist, no, for Salazar's sake. He left that kind of activity to perverted freaks like Lucius Malfoy. But he had to know what exactly Black was doing, what he was saying that had broken so completely the strong, self-confident man he'd known not two whole years ago. And he knew Remus would never tell him everything he needed to know.

So, he had to listen.

"No, Sirius," Remus's voice said tiredly. "I'm sorry, I'm just not in the mood tonight."

"You're never in the mood," Black's voice grumbled. "What's the matter, Moony? Don't you love me anymore?" Severus flinched as he heard the malice and pure lust that was carefully hidden behind tender words of love.

"Of course I love you," Remus said softly, and these words made Severus shudder even more. "It's just the full moon coming, I just can't -"

"Can't get up the urge around it?" Black's harsh voice interrupted the werewolf's. "D'you know what, Moony? I don't give a crap. I think you might be just making it up!"

"I'm not!" Remus said defensively. Then, distressedly, "Sirius... Let go of my wrist. Please. You're -"

Severus could hear the sickening crack as Black twisted the delicate wrist. Remus yelped in pain, and Black let out a small, satisfied moan.

The Potions Master got a sickening feeling. He wanted desperately to stop listening, to just give it a rest like Remus had demanded him to. However, he forced himself to listen. He had to know exactly what was going on with those two; otherwise, he wouldn't be able to help Remus.

He didn't know exactly why he wanted to help the werewolf. Maybe it was that it hurt him to see the self-respecting, clever man slip back to the empty shell he'd been when they were young. Severus had already suspected that Black had something to do with it when they'd together done work for the Order during the First War, but back then, he hadn't known what it was.

Now he knew, and he wished for Salazar he didn't.

"I'm sorry, Siri," he heard Remus's voice, half-pleading, half-sobbing. "I shouldn't have said that. I love you, Siri. I need you."

"That's true," Black's voice snarled maliciously. "You need me, Moony. You need me, because no one else would ever want you. You are a freak of nature, you've always been." A sound of a kiss, then, softly purred, "You are so lucky I love you."

"I know that," Remus said quietly. "I truly am lucky to have you. Nobody else could love me like you do."

"You're right," Black said with a low, lust-filled voice. "Nobody else could, and nobody else would. You are so lucky that I don't care about what you are, Moony. I love you, I really do. It doesn't matter to me that you're not a human."

"I know," the quiet voice replied, "I know, Siri. I should never have denied you anything. I am grateful that you still want me. You have every right to me - you are my husband, after all."

"So you don't refuse?" The voice was now so full of pure lust and craving for sex, and so empty of all other feelings, that it made Severus suffer. "You'll give me what I want? You let me take you?"

"How could I ever refuse you, Siri?" Severus heard the smile in Remus's voice. He also heard that it was a faked one.

"Probably because you're an animal," came the muffled reply. "An animal doesn't know what it is to love." The sound of a long, passionate kiss stung in Severus's ears. Then Black continued, "It's good for you that I know it for both of us."

For a moment Severus only heard sounds of somebody moving between sheets, then there was a pained whimper from Remus accompanied by Black's triumphy moan. Obviously the bastard hadn't bothered with preparation this time, either. Severus could only hope, for Remus's sake, that he'd at least used some lubrication.

Whilst doing his best not to get sick at the sounds of Remus's pain and Black's twisted pleasure, he wondered for a moment how Black could be oblivious to his partner's complete lack of response. Then he remembered that there indeed was an erection, a mere biological reaction to being penetrated. It didn't bring Remus any pleasure, however; the whole interact was only pain to the unwilling werewolf.

"You are so tight," Black said at one point, his voice full of pure lust. Severus wanted to scream out in anger. Of course he was tight; his werewolf nature was trying in vain to prevent the violent penetration. Which Severus hoped it hadn't done, for it only increased the pain Remus had to endure in order to hold onto the false promises of love. Every now and then Black would claim that he was the only one who could ever love Remus, that he was the only one who cared for him, that nobody other would be willing to ever lay a hand on him. Every time Remus whimpered, he told how much the werewolf sounded like the animal he was.

At last Severus heard Black moan as he came, as well as Remus groan in pain and displeasure. Black, however, either counted that on the nonexistent pleasure, or he simply didn't care.

"Don't cry, Moony, love," Black's voice purred with false sweetness that disgusted Severus even more than the sounds of the rape. "I know it can hurt a bit. You are so tight, Merlin, how can you possibly be so tight when we sleep together every night? Must be the wolf part in you."

'If Black only knew how right he is,' Severus thought bitterly. 'Although he probably wouldn't even care.'

"It didn't hurt," he heard Remus's voice lying. "I just... I... Merlin, promise me you won't leave me, Siri." Severus's heart sank to the bottom of his stomach at hearing that.

"I won't leave you, Moony," Black promised with the same false sweetness. "I'll never leave you. No matter what you are, I love you. I really do."

Severus broke the charm before he got to hear Remus's answer. He maybe needed to know what was going on, but he wasn't a masochist.

*

The next morning, Remus came to Severus with a broken wrist.

The Slytherin didn't say anything whilst administring him the proper healing potions.

*

The shadows of our pasts, never to be told,

Shadows of our future on to which we hold,

Shadows of the darkness that is our present,

And as I lie I know their crying's nowhere near an end.

*

"Why he keeps calling you Moony?" Severus asked curiously one day. They weren't in the Grimmauld Place this time; they were in the Knockturn Alley purchasing some items for the Order. It was their job to do; with Severus's knowledge of the Dark Arts and Remus's natural sense for them there was no one other who could have done it better than them.

"It's just another one of his ways to dominate me," Remus murmured while glancing through the shelves. "He says it keeps me on my place. I'm not allowed to call him Padfoot when he's not in his dog form. If I do, he later in private beats me and yells at me that he's not an animal like I am so I shouldn't call him like one."

"And you let him do that?" Severus asked in disgust. He couldn't believe his ears.

"He's right, isn't he? Our nicknames count for our animal forms only, it's just that I'm an animal in my mind all the time. Oh, and don't bother with that," he added, pointing at the object Severus was examining in his hands, "it's just a fake. Those are supposed to reveal whether or not somebody's holding a secret, but that one can't tell you that any more than it can tell what Avery ate for lunch yesterday."

The Potions Master was horrified by the everyday manner his companion discussed these things with. He didn't seem to have much sense of selfworth remaining, He couldn't to say that if he did.

And Black had done this to him.

In his mind, Severus vowed never to call Remus Moony other than on the full moon night. If even then.