Of Hope And Love

Of Hope and Love

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Chapter 9:

In the Same Boat

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Severus firmly resisted the urge to vomit as he peered down into his cauldron, watching the potion that bubbled and popped in its depths. Not only did he feel ill almost constantly nowadays, but his pregnancy had also improved his sense of smell. This, of course, was not good, as stinking and fuming potions -- never mind the students -- filled his days. He had to use an anti-smell potion all the time.

Anyway, the potion was almost ready. He let it boil for exactly nine seconds -- thankfully the pregnancy hadn't interfered with his internal clock, at least not yet -- and then put off the magical fire under the cauldron. Sighing, he then poured part of the potion into a goblet and placed a strong preservation charm on the rest. Then he took the goblet, checked for one last time that the Concealment Charms on his stomach were working, and then left his dear dungeons.

While walking towards his destination, Severus thought. He was now almost four months along, and nobody knew anything about Kingsley's fate. Most believed that he was dead, but Severus knew better. Kingsley would not leave him and their children alone, not like that. No, Kingsley would return. Alive.

His free hand rose almost subconsciously to touch his hidden baby bulge. It was unbelievable, the thought that there were new people developing inside him. He had wholly expected that this pregnancy would end in a miscarriage before two months were full -- like had always happened. Now, however, he was indeed four months pregnant, and with multiples. Not even as easy as twins, oh, no. From the magical atmosphere of his womb his trained Legilimens mind had made out as many as four hazy ideas of a human mind. He was carrying quadruplets, he had no idea what to do, and, frankly, he was scared.

Despite being unsure and fearful, both of which were feelings that very rarely entered his mind, Severus was also amazed. He was tired, true, and nauseous and moody, and there were times when he cursed to the deepest Hell his weary body and the little creatures that were using all his strength. However, when he lay in his bed at night and thought about his babies -- no, their babies, his and Kingsley's -- he was filled with amazement and, to his even greater surprise, love. At the moment there maybe was only a bulge on his abdomen and some nausea, but in a few months, there would be babies. Small but complete human beings, people who would be completely dependant on him -- no, them. The mere thought that his body might ever produce such a wondrous miracle was just overwhelming.

Soon he would be able to talk to his babies, too. He'd read that somewhere along the fifth month of pregnancy, a carrier with enough skills in both Occlumency and Legilimency would be able to communicate with the baby or babies they were carrying. Therefore, Severus certainly could do that. The mental link would be broken by the same time as the physical one -- that was, when he gave birth -- but Severus was going to enjoy those months as much as possible.

But, it was not yet the time for that. Instead, he hurried through the corridors of Hogwarts towards the Potters' quarters, where the potion in his goblet was eagerly awaited by Remus Lupin. Severus smirked dryly as he still thought of the werewolf as Lupin, even though he'd been Potter for a couple of months already. 'Well,' the Potions Master thought, 'I could always call him Mrs. Potter.' That actually brought a brief smile on his lips, a smile that made the little Ravenclaw who was passing by let out a frightened cry and run away in great haste. Severus merely shook his head, wondering the girl's stupidity.

At last, he reached the right corridor. A careful glance around told him that nobody else was around, so he felt it safe to talk to what to most people looked like an empty wall. "Chamomile," he told the password to the portrait. The woman in the picture huffed and then swung open, letting him pass.

Like he had expected, Lupin -- Potter, he corrected himself mentally; might just as well use the man's correct name -- was alone in the tiny quarters. Mr. Potter first (and younger) was no doubt with his friends in Hogsmeade, as it was another one of those blasted Hogsmeade weekends. The werewolf was curled up in the corner of the couch in the small living room, deeply concentrated on the book in his lap.

"Ah, Severus," the werewolf greeted, looking up at him with a smile. "It is so nice to see you." Although Severus had overheard stories of the other pregnant wizard's moodswings, he was yet to be exposed to one. Maybe he gave away some pheromones that kept the wolf off his neck, as both were expecting.

"Potter," replied Severus curtly. "I came to bring your potion yet again."

"Thank you, Severus. You smell funny, by the way," Potter commented as he carefully put his book aside and took the potion from the Slytherin. "I can't quite put a finger on it, but your scent has changed in the last months. Now, the change's even more obvious than the last time I saw you."

"Then it must be this annoying potion I have to brew to you," the Potions Master snapped. "At least I can't think of any other reason for it."

"It's not the Wolfsbane Potion," said the werewolf stubbornly. "I do know what that smells like, even the varied recipe. And the change in your scent is not due to the change in the potion's scent." Then, with a shudder, he downed the potion. "Beurgh," he said, grimacing. "It doesn't get any better, that much is sure."

"Nauseous, Potter?" Severus asked, raising an eyebrow in a half-amused question. Only half amused, as he'd himself spent that morning praying to the porcelain gods. "Make sure you don't throw up your potion."

"I don't understand why I still feel sick," whined the other wizard. "The morning sickness should have passed by now. Every book I've consulted has told that it'll go away after the three first months."

The Potions Master shrugged. "Well, in some cases, it goes on even longer," he commented. "And pregnant males are much more inclined to the sickness than females."

"How would you know about that?" asked Potter sharply, and Severus cursed silently in his mind for his slip. Then, just as he'd begun to hope that the werewolf wouldn't put the change in his scent together with his little slip and figure it out his secret, Potter gasped. "Oh, no," he whispered. "You're not... For the love of Merlin, Severus, tell you're not..."

"Pregnant, too?" finished the Potions Master for him with a bitter tone. "Yes, I am, Potter. About as far along as you are. The day you came to tell me, I'd just found out it myself."

"Then why were you so cruel?" asked the werewolf quietly. "We were in the same boat, after all."

"Because you were happy, and I couldn't be," replied the Slytherin, sighing a bit. "I couldn't be happy about the fact that there were babies inside me, because there was a war going on, and also because I didn't expect them to live. I've been pregnant before, Potter -- four times. And every time, I've had a miscarriage. I thought that would happen again."

"And when you finally realized that you wouldn't miscarry," continued the other wizard, "you heard that Kingsley had disappeared. It is Kingsley's, isn't it?" he then went on asking.

"Not 'it,' Potter," snapped Severus. "'They.'" At the werewolf's astonished expression, he said, "Yes, I am carrying multiple babies. Quadruplets, to be exact, unless I'm severely mistaken, what I'm not."

"Okay." Potter shook his head slowly. "Truly you don't lead an easy life," he muttered, more to himself than to Severus. Then, aloud again, he said, "So, are they Kingsley's?"

"Of course they are," replied Severus, sounding almost insulted. "I would never cheat on my lover."

"Of course not," Potter hastened to say. "I'd never suggest anything like that. I was merely curious." Then, his expression turned wary. "Why do you still continue spying?" he asked. "Your babies might get hurt!"

"I will continue as long as I am able to be a spy, Potter," Severus snapped at the werewolf. "I'll be able to Apparate for still a couple of months before there's any chance I might harm my babies. And, just in case I would be discovered as a spy, I'm constantly carrying a Portkey to get myself and my children safe."

"I see." The werewolf nodded. "Have you at least told Albus about your babies?" he asked then.

"You must be kidding," the Potions Master snorted. "Like he isn't already messing with my life enough!"

"That man loves you like a son," Potter said quietly. "He's always talking about you when he comes to a visit. He has even asked Harry about how you act in the lessons!"

The Slytherin raised his eyebrow. "And what has your oh-so-dear husband replied, if I may inquire?"

"That you are your own old self," replied the werewolf calmly. "A bit more moody than usual, and you smell trouble even faster than before, but otherwise, there's nothing out of ordinary. I can now understand those few changes in you, though," he added with a slightly teasing tone. "It does things to a person."

Severus merely gave him a humourless smirk. "So I've come to notice," he said dryly. "Almost every morning I find myself throwing my guts out, even despite the potion that's supposed to help that."

"That must be pretty upsetting," commented Potter with a tiny smile. "Realizing that potions can't solve all problems, I mean." Then, his expression turned wary. "Severus... do you ever hope it hadn't happened?"

"My pregnancy?" asked the other man back. As he got a confirming nod, the Slytherin sighed. "Yes," he replied, "and no. I've read about it somewhere, pregnancy causes a lot of ambivalent feelings. I love my babies, I love them more than anything, and don't wish any harm to them. I'd die to protect them. And yet... I can't help but feel that it shouldn't have been now, not in the middle of the war, when Kingsley's missing and everything is in chaos. Sometimes I wish they would just go away and come back on some more fitting moment. And sometimes I hate them, hate them for making me tired and moody and nauseous, hate them for using my body to fulfill their own needs, for taking away my control over my body."

Potter nodded, understanding. "Same here," he replied quietly. "I'd never say that I don't love my baby, because I do. But still... I feel like I'm ruining both of our lives, mine and Harry's. Harry's now stuck in a marriage with a man who's more than twice his age, and a werewolf on top of that. We'll never have even that relative freedom we used to have. I'm now confined to these rooms, unable to leave, and only because of this baby. I feel like I'm in a cage and can't escape, no matter what I do. It's excruciating."

"You call that difficult?" For some reason, Severus found it very easy to discuss this with Potter. Maybe it was because the werewolf was the only one who could truly understand him at the moment. "Imagine your lover suddenly disappeared, and everybody else thought him dead, even though you know that he's alive, that he has to be alive somewhere. Then imagine going to meetings where the air itself reeks of evil, bowing to a twisted bastard who's quite obviously lost whatever little mind he ever had, and fearing that you've been discovered and will be killed. Imagine that every time you return, still thankfully alive, as soon as you reach your quarters you collapse to the floor and thank Merlin that you're still unharmed, and that the lives within you are safe -- for now. Imagine all that, and then live through it, and then complain."

"I can't even imagine that, and you know it very well, Severus," Potter said quietly. "And I still think you should tell Albus and stop your spying away. You'll kill both yourself and your babies on this rate."

"As I said, I will not stop spying as long as I'm still useful," the Slytherin said snappishly. "And I will not tell Albus, unless it somehow becomes absolutely necessary. For all I care Poppy could just as well get to know when I'm about to give birth, and Albus when I finally let him hold one of the babies."

The werewolf gasped at his words. "You haven't told even Poppy?" he asked, horrified. "But -- but -- almost anything could happen! Both you and your babies might die because of that!"

"I have a house-elf in my rooms," replied Severus. "The very same elf has looked after me ever since I was a baby myself, and it will certainly alert somebody if anything goes wrong with me."

"It is still no safe." The werewolf was seemingly even more stubborn than Gryffindors in general.

Severus sighed. "Look, Potter, I do not wish anything bad to my babies," he said quietly. "I promise you that if something is out of ordinary with me -- if I even think that something's out of ordinary -- I will immediately go to see Poppy. I'm going to keep this a secret, but only as long as it is safe for me and the babies. Despite what I'd want, I will have to tell Albus and Poppy when I'm six months along, as I will have to offer an explanation for my need to stop spying for the Light."

Potter sighed. "I still don't think it's good," he said quietly, "but I guess I can't change your mind. Don't worry," he then said, just as Severus opened his mouth to say something. "I will not tell anybody about your pregnancy. If you want to hide it, it's your own business. However," he added, with an almost Dumbledorish glint in his amber eyes, "that's only under one condition."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "And what, pray tell, is that condition?" he asked smoothly.

"Oh, nothing," the Gryffindor replied lightly. "Just that I can talk with you every now and then. Harry's listening, yes," he then added as an explanation, "but he hardly understands exactly what I'm going through. It'd be really nice to talk with somebody who has similar experiences, and you're the best choice."

"Very well," replied Severus, nodding briefly. "I will have some chatter with you about pregnancy in general, and you won't have any chatter about my pregnancy with anybody else. Simple, that." "Fine." Potter nodded. Then he asked hesitantly, "Could I maybe see it?" As Severus raised a questioning eyebrow, the werewolf huffed. "Oh, come off it, Severus. You know perfectly well what I am talking about. You've seen my stomach," he waved towards his small baby bump, "so why couldn't I see yours? Harry's in the Hogsmeade, he won't return for hours. It's not like anybody could see you accidentally."

The Potions Master just watched him coolly for some time. Then he snorted. "Very well." And, with a flick of his wand, he took off the Concealment Charms on his stomach.

"Woah," Potter gasped. "You know, I didn't believe at first that you might really have quadruplets coming, but now it's more than easy to believe that. You're huge." And truly, Severus's baby bump was a lot bigger than the werewolf's. Severus had a suspicion Potter's would never be as big as he was already.

"Well, thank you for your encouraging words," he said dryly, putting the Concealment Charms back on. "I know I am huge, Potter. And I'll get even bigger -- it's only the beginning. All I can do is hope that Kingsley won't find me repulsing by the time he gets back."

"If he does that," Potter said fiercely, "then he's not worth your attention. After all, it's his own doing."

Now, Severus was really surprised. Remus Potter was the first person he'd come across in a long time who didn't speak of Kingsley in the past tense. He didn't know why it was so, but he couldn't help feeling grateful. With the way his moods were swinging already nowadays, he truly didn't need any more depressing from everybody. Even Minerva kept pitying him because "his lover was dead." As if.

Actually, Severus noted that he might actually not hate talking with Potter. Well, not much, at least.

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