Of Hope And Love

Of Hope and Love

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Chapter 5:

Depression and Discussion

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When Severus walked back to his living room, he was met by an emptiness that stung. Sighing, the Potions Master sat on the black leather couch in the corner, closing his eyes in exhaustion that seemed to befall him just now.

It had been hard. It had been unbelievably hard to keep up his mask in front of Lupin, Lupin who was underneath it all happy about his child, no matter what fears and doubts were covering that joy. And unbelievably hard it had been not to just break down in front of the werewolf and pour it all out.

Severus Snape was a quiet, reserved man. He rarely let anything out to anybody, not even to those closest to him. Not even to those very close to him. But even he had his limits.

And right now, he felt like he was beyond his limits, or at least very near to them.

His wand lay on the nearby little table, a soft glow still surrounding the tip of it. It was not the light of the Lumos spell, but another -- a faint glow with a slightly purplish hint. And he knew all too well what it meant, knew it better than he'd wanted to know.

Severus had gone through a lot. A very big lot at that. He'd faced Voldemort more times than he could count, and he had always come out alive, if not unharmed. He'd survived more potion explosion accidents than about anybody else in the country, thanks to his incompetent students. He had even survived spending most of his living years in the proximity of Albus Dumbledore, for Merlin's sake!

...But this was too much. He wasn't really sure if he could do it anymore.

In a way, that thought was comforting. Maybe it truly would end this time? Maybe there would no more be uncertainty, or the horrifying fear of what he knew would come eventually? Perhaps, with a bit of luck, this would be the time when his body finally gave up?

...But no, that couldn't be. Couldn't be, because he had to stay alive to fight, had to fight for the Light, for the one man he loved.

Loved. Such a small word, almost ridiculous, and yet it meant so much. It meant something deeper than any other feeling, something so much more than words could express.

Sometimes, it also meant the difference between life and death.

Love was a human feeling. Like many humans before and after him, Severus Snape had also fallen in love. Every morning he woke up cursing himself for believing in such foolishness, every night he fell asleep his last conscious thought being that he was a fool. Yet sometimes, on some very rare occasions, he would bless that emotion and the one who made him feel it. Those rare moments were enough to keep him going despite the fact that the whole world sometimes seemed to be collapsing on a heap on top of him.

But they didn't make it easier.

*

"Severus."

The Potions Master wasn't startled when somebody laid their hands on his shoulders; he had heard the almost inaudible steps on the stone floor far before he'd heard the word addressing him.

The man who'd approached him knew that, too. That was why he had even dared to do so -- usually, it wouldn't have been very wise to do anything that might startle somebody who was currently brewing a potentially explosive potion. Placing a light kiss on Severus's hair, he then slid his dark-skinned hands lower to hold his lover on the waist. "A bit quiet today, aren't we?" he asked teasingly.

"Don't disturb me now, Kingsley," replied Severus, but not in the snappish tone he'd used at anybody else. "This is just about to be ready. However, if you cause me to make a mistake, it might mean something very unpleasant to Lupin, whom this is meant to."

"What are you doing, then?" asked the Auror from him then. "Usually you'd be doing the Wolfsbane Potion to Remus by this time, but that's not the right colour for Wolfsbane."

"Very accurate, Kingsley," said the Potions Master, dropping a few drops of a purple liquid from a tiny vial to the potion and changing the stirring direction and pace. "This is not the right colour for the Wolfsbane Potion. However, this is just that, although slightly varied."

"Varied?" echoed Kingsley, now a bit confused. "Why'd you vary it? I thought it was as good as it could get."

"So thought I, and so it is," the paler of the men -- by far -- replied dryly. "However, there is a good reason to modify the potion. Now, please remove your hands from me. I'll have this finished in a moment, and then you'll get any information and cuddling you might want."

Smiling secretly and shaking his head at his lover's usual biting attitude, Kingsley thanked all gods he could think of that Severus hadn't at least yet discovered the ability to look through the back of his head like Mad-Eye did with his magical eye. However, the black wizard did remove his hands from Severus's waist, and, still smiling lightly, crossed the room to sit on the couch on the other side of it. He then watched in silence as his lover carefully finished, cooled, and bottled the potion. When Severus had put a stopper on the last phial -- each contained one dose -- he turned to Kingsley and walked to him.

"Now I'll tell you what you want to know, when you no more can accidentally spoil the potion," the Slytherin said dryly. He also let out an irritated sound when Kingsley, instead of allowing him to sit next to himself, pulled him into his lap. However, he didn't move away, which the other wizard took as a good sign.

"Fine," said Kingsley, knowing that Severus wouldn't tell him anything he didn't specifically ask. "So, why are you modifying Remus's potion?"

The Slytherin's calm mask never faltered. "Because he's pregnant."

This silenced the Auror rather effectively. At last he managed to say, "Pregnant? But... to whom?"

"Seemingly to Potter," replied Severus with the same dry tone. "Either that, or he's become a lot better a liar than he used to be. Although I think he might be actually telling the truth. They're seemingly going to get married, so when they tell you, act surprised. You didn't hear this from me."

"Remus... and Harry?" echoed Kingsley disbelievingly. "This can't be true. Well, I suppose it can, but... It just seems so unreal."

"Exactly," snorted Severus. " Like we needed any little Potters around here."

"What about little Shacklebolts or little Snapes?" asked Kingsley at that, half teasingly, half seriously.

To his surprise, Severus stiffened slightly in his arms. "Kingsley," the other man then said, sounding a bit strained. "We've been sleeping together for years, never using protection. I think that if it was probable that I would get pregnant, that would have already happened."

"There are Fertility Potions," replied the dark-skinned man, frowning slightly. He didn't understand what was bothering Severus so much.

"And those we won't discuss until the War is over," said Severus determinedly, placing a finger on his lips. "I'm definitely not going to plan to bring a baby in the middle of all this chaos, leave alone bearing one while we're still fighting."

"And what about if that happened by accident?" asked Kingsley quietly. He was almost afraid to hear the answer.

However, the answer he got very much relieved him. "I'd of course keep the baby," the Slytherin said like it'd been the most natural thing in the world. What, in a way, it was. "I'm not going to plan a baby yet, love. But if something as improbable as a pregnancy happened upon me, I sure as hell wouldn't try to get rid of my child." With a kiss to his lips, Severus then added with a firm voice, "Our child."

And after that, he proceeded to demonstrating the beginning of the tale of birds and bees to his lover.