His Eyes

His Eyes

*

It's Too Late

*

I bang the doors to the Infirmary open, rushing inside. I simply don't care about anything, anything else but Remus.

Madam Pomfrey raises her eyes. "Ah, Severus," she says quietly. "I hope you could have come sooner, but I guess it doesn't matter much anymore."

At her words, I freeze. What does she mean? Is Remus -- no, he cannot be. He just can't. "What happened?" my own voice comes to my ears. Do I really sound that tired, that -- that scared?

"The birth was too much for him," Poppy replies quietly. "It is so for most male werewolves -- their body is not designed for giving birth, and the transformations weaken them. And with the War injuries --"

"Is he dead?" I blurt out, interrupting her, unable to bear hearing any more facts I know already. In my mind I swear that if he is, I will follow him. There's no reason to live if Remus, my Remus is dead.

"No," she replies briefly. "Not quite yet. But he's dying, and I can do nothing for him but ease his pain. Not that he cares about it himself -- he's unconscious now, and won't wake up." A closer gaze tells me that she's crying. I feel like crying, too.

All I want to do is to demand her to tell me where Remus is, to go to see him, to see for myself that he's really dying and she's not just playing an incredibly cruel joke at me. However, all that comes out is, "And the baby?"

"Lives," she replies simply, "and will live. A beautiful baby girl, she is. Remus -- he named her Alinca. Where on Earth he found that name, I don't know."

I know. By Merlin, I know. Alinca was the name of my little sister -- one I loved very dearly, until she drowned into the pond in our garden when she was five. I've only ever told Remus about her.

Poppy beckons me, still sobbing silently, big, salty tears rolling down her already damp cheeks. I follow her, since I simply cannot think of anything else to do. She leads me to a tiny crib in the corner of the Infirmary. Looking down at it, I find there the tiniest human creature I've ever seen. She's very small and very red, and really thin. However, in some odd, newborn baby way, she is truly beautiful.

Alinca. Oh, Alinca, how I wish you were mine...

"She's yours," a voice startles me from my thoughts, like somebody had been reading them. Glancing up, I see Poppy watching me. "Remus was telling you the simple truth all the time. He never cheated on you, he never could. I performed a test on her to prove it, just a couple of minutes ago, and she is truly yours. Seemingly that curse Voldemort cast on you only counts for full humans -- and therefore, a werewolf could carry a baby for you. Could, and did."

And that's it. That's the point where I break, where I start crying like a lost child. It is all my fault, I left Remus, I didn't believe my beloved. He sent me a letter -- maybe he tried to tell me? And I didn't want to listen to him! I could have been with him -- supported him through the pregnancy -- kept him well and safe. I should have, and I fucked it all up. Maybe, just maybe, he would have lived if I just hadn't been such a bastard...

Suddenly, a hand touches my shoulder. There's no need to look up to see who it belongs to.

"Don't blame yourself," says Albus quietly, "and don't blame the child. Remus blamed neither of you -- and he loved you both to the very end of it. He could have survived, you know -- there is a Delivery Charm. However, he chose not to use it, as the chances were the child would have died. He wanted to let his child -- your child -- live its life, and he didn't care about himself. I don't think he even would have wanted to return to his lonely life if the child had died."

My fault, my fault, my fault. It's all my fault.

Suddenly I notice that Poppy has drawn open the curtains that had been framing one of the beds in the corner. In the bed lies Remus, raised to a half-sitting position with pillows, his eyes closed. His skin is deathly pale, and he looks so sick, so sick... Like he was dying. And he is dying, he's dying and he will never come back.

"He held her for a brief moment," tells Poppy, obviously struggling to speak through her tears. "Then he just whispered, 'Alinca... Her name is Alinca,' and fainted. It was simply too much for him, I was close to losing them both in more than one point... And after all that, he only could hold her for half a minute before losing her forever!" Now the mediwitch starts to cry, unable to control herself anymore.

"No." I'm startled to realize that the voice that's speaking is mine. "He won't die. I won't let him die, not this way."

"I'm afraid we cannot prevent it," Albus says sadly. "I'm sorry, Severus, but you must face the truth. Remus gave his life for little Alinca. We must respect his choice, and do everything we can to give Alinca a full life."

"Fuck you," I mutter under my breath. Sure, I rarely curse, but even I have my limits.

The old coot looks actually startled. So he's in fact capable of that? Unbelievable. "Excuse me?" asks Albus, sounding a bit confused.

"I said, fuck you," I reply, the calmness of my voice surprising even myself. "I'll be damned if I let him die." And then, not giving him time to stop me, I rush to Remus's side, draw my wand, and start chanting the charm.

Albus's eyes widen with disbelief. "No, Severus, don't!" he exclaims. "Stop the spell, Severus -- please. Remus is too far gone now... You'll only pour all your life power into him, and then you'll both die!"

"I don't fucking care!" I yell, then start chanting again, knowing that not an outsider can stop the spell without killing me in the process. The feeling of being drained fills me, and I am glad about it. Maybe, just maybe, my life would be enough of a sacrifice to save Remus...

"Stop it!" screams Poppy, rushing to the other side of the hospital bed where my only love lies. "Think about Alinca, Severus!" she then says, the little baby girl lying on her arms. "Remus wanted you to take care of her. Don't abandon her."

I don't stop the charm, but I slow down a bit. She's right. I'm the only one there is to take care of Alinca, I owe Remus at least that much for all the pain -- both physical and otherwise -- that I have put him through. But I cannot stop, not yet.

Then Poppy, seeing that I'm not going to stop, does probably the last thing she can think of. Walking to my side, she puts Alinca into my arms -- and lets go. I have to stop casting the charm to catch my daughter before she falls from her awkward position.

Holding the tiny baby, Remus's baby, our baby on my arms, I fall to my knees on the floor of the Infirmary and start crying. Remus is lost. I've lost Remus, my Remus, and only because I was so fucking proud and stupid and wouldn't listen to him.

...I don't notice the wavering sigh escaping his frail body...