His Eyes

His Eyes

*

His eyes.

I can't see blame or accuse in those deep, black orbs. They don't look angry, only sad and hurt and full of questions. Those are questions that I'd love to answer but I can't, since I don't know the answers even myself.

And if I don't, then who does?

"Why?" he speaks aloud the most important of the questions. It's only one word, but it says so much, so many different questions are included in it. 'Why don't you love me anymore?' his eyes ask, begging for the answer he knows I can't give. How could I? I still love him. 'Why did you lie to me, Remus? Why did you ever say that you loved me, if you didn't?'

I shake my head slowly. I have nothing to say, I cannot say anything. There's so much I'd like to say, I'd like to make him believe, but I can't. He knows the facts, just as well as I do. But he doesn't know the most important one - that I never did anything.

He repeats his words. This time, however, he specifies it into one question - the one that hurts us both the most. "Why did you cheat on me, Remus?" demands he, the only one I've ever truly loved, thus denying everything there is between us, denying the meaning of those feelings.

"I never cheated on you," I answer the only one of his questions I know for certain.

"Don't lie to me," he replies. His face is blank, but the pain in his eyes isn't fading. Instead, it seems to grow with every passing moment. I feel a stab of guilt in my heart, and yet I know I've done nothing wrong.

"Why don't you believe?" I ask from him, swallowing back tears that threaten to fall. "You're the only one I love, Severus, the only one I've ever loved! I'd never sleep with anyone else!"

"Remus," he says, trying to hide his own pain with the sharp, icy tone in his voice, "we both know that I'm not, and will never be able to father a child."

I know. Merlin, I know. And yet I know that I've never slept with anyone but him. Still, I also know that I'm pregnant.

And now Severus knows that, too.

"And we both know that male werewolves can become pregnant only by the one they're in love with," I whisper softly. "It's a part of our natural magic."

"I know that," he replies. "Now I'm only wondering whom you really love, since it obviously isn't me." His eyes hurt me, I want to turn my gaze away but I can't, I can't force my eyes to leave his, since I don't know whether I'll ever see them again.

"I love you," I say, and I know I'm sounding rather desperate. But I am desperate, I have to make him believe me. "I know that it is hard to believe because Voldemort's curse left you sterile. But somehow, I'm pregnant. And the child is yours, Severus, I swear by my heart that it is. I've never cheated on you, not as much as kissed anybody else."

"I'd love to believe that," he says, and closes his eyes for a brief second before locking his gaze on me again. "But, unfortunately, I'm finding it rather impossible."

"Severus -" I start to say, but he raises his hand, interrupting me. I fall silent, trying to convince him with my eyes that I'm telling the truth.

"Don't say anything," he advises. His tone isn't as cold anymore, it is almost gentle. Still, there's a distance to it that tells that I've already lost him. "I don't want to hear anything, since I love you too much to confront you about this." He gets on his feet, his eyes avoiding me. "I'll leave now. Feel free to go to anyone who makes you happy, since I obviously am not that person."

I'd like to scream that it's not true, that I cannot be happy without him, that I'm nothing without him. But I can't, since he would not listen to me, and I've already hurt myself too much.

He turns around in a whirl of midnight-black hair and equally dark robes. Then he walks away, his robes billowing threateningly, his steps just as silent as always, his head kept firmly in an upright position. And I, the abandoned lover, watch him leave, unable to do anything about it.

I watch him as he walks away from my life, and I feel as my heart goes away with him.