Excuses for Killing One Another

Excuses for Killing One Another

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Chapter 1:

A Teacup Over Your Head

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Severus looked at the Headmaster over his teacup. "Tell me you're not serious," he pleaded. True, the scary and intimidating Potions Master never pleaded, but even he had his limits -- and now he had reached them. "Please, Albus, just tell me that you're not serious. Just this once. I'll take anything but this."

"Well, I'm certainly not kidding," the ancient wizard said, his eyes twinkling like mad. "I'm most serious about this matter, Severus. You know that the castle needs repairing. The damages of the War --"

"I know everything about the damages of the War," Severus interrupted him. "I know that the castle needs repairing. But... this? Is this truly necessary, Albus?" He knew that he would lose eventually, one never could win the Headmaster in this game. But he would die rather than give up without a proper fight.

"I'm afraid it is," Dumbledore replied. "We do have some cottages for the teachers to live in during the repairs if they don't have anywhere else to go. However, there are not enough cottages, so you'll have to share. A lemon drop?" he then offered. This was not good. Whenever the Headmaster offered lemon drops, he was going to say something awful. Something that very well might make Severus hate him forever, except that he couldn't hate the man. And Merlin knew, he truly had tried his best. Severus Snape was a very good hater, but he'd come to notice that for some reason, he simply couldn't hate Albus Dumbledore to save his life. And, unsurprisingly, that annoyed him to no end.

For a moment Severus considered taking a lemon drop, if only to see the old fool's expression if he did. However, he didn't. "No," he answered snappishly. "Now, Albus. Who are you going to force me to share my private life with?" The blue eyes twinkled even more, and a horrified realization dawned on him. "Oh, no, Albus," he all but groaned. "Not him. I'll stay in the Forbidden Forest rather than with him."

"Well, you can't stay in the Forbidden Forest," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "I can't afford losing my Potions Master to the hideous monsters there, as much as I'd like to see their expressions when they notice you're too bitter to be eaten. I'm awfully sorry, Severus, but you will have to live in the same cottage as Remus Lupin." Of course, he didn't sound the tiniest bit sorry -- most probably because he wasn't that, no matter what he said. And as his eyes twinkled still like some Muggle alarm light, Severus knew that there was something even worse coming. And, knowing the Headmaster, he knew pretty well what it would be.

"No, don't say it," he said dryly. "Let me guess. There's only one bedroom in the cottage, right?" The twinkling multiplied several times. "And, if I'm not terribly mistaken, there's only one bed as well."

"It's a very big bed," Dumbledore tried sheepishly. However, the twinkling of his eyes gave him away.

"You're certainly one of the most transparent people I've ever come to know, Albus," Severus spat. "I truly am happy that it was me who was spying for our side and not you, as you would have been caught in mere seconds. Don't you think I haven't noticed your miserable attempts at matchmaking?" Doing a good job imitating the ancient wizard's voice, he continued, "What if you and Remus went to this mission together, Severus? You wouldn't mind Severus staying overnight here, Remus, would you? Is there any way Severus could help you in anything you happen to be doing at the moment, Remus? Severus, would it be possible that you would take the Wolfsbane personally to Remus, never mind there's nobody else in the Headquarters?" Again with his normal voice, Severus said, "Really, Albus. The only thing you've forgotten this far is to tell me to kiss him better after a transformation." Seeing the twinkle getting even worse, he added, "And no, that was definitely not a suggestion, nor an offer!"

"But Severus, I think you would enjoy his company," the Headmaster still tried. "You're both remarkably intelligent people, you surely would like to have somebody to talk with. And besides, you're too lonely down in your dungeons. Both of you would benefit of this arrangement. You could even observe what kind of effect your Wolfsbane Potion is having on him during the full moon!"

Now, that was a thought Severus did not even want to consider, not even in his worst nightmares. "Now, that does it!" exclaimed the Head of Slytherin. "I certainly will not stay in a transformed werewolf's presence! You can talk your face blue about having trust in my own brewery and all that, but it won't help. I trust my own breweries, true, but I do not trust Lupin. For all I know he would kill me and then tell everybody that it was not his fault, I'd just made a mistake with the potion. And to make it even worse, everybody would believe him." And everybody would. Everybody loved Lupin. Yet another reason for him to hate the man that much more. Lupin was somebody he had no trouble hating.

"Severus, that's unfair," Dumbledore said, frowning. "You know very well that Remus would never do anything like that. Even though you probably haven't paid any attention to it, Remus has been trying very hard to make friends with you. And he would die rather than harm anybody in his wolf form."

"Well, make sure you remember that when I have to kill him to protect myself," Severus said bitterly. It wasn't until then that he realized what he had said, and he cursed inwardly as the blue eyes started to twinkle even more -- if that was even possible. However, it was too late to pull his words back.

"Excellent!" Dumbledore beamed at him. "So you will stay with Remus, then?"

Knowing already that he had been defeated and had no way out now, Severus sighed. "Fine," he muttered. "But my life will be on your conscience when he tears me apart. If you have one, that is."

"You mean I don't have a conscience?" The Headmaster raised an eyebrow with a broad smile.

"Well, you don't," replied Severus, keeping his expression blank. "Or if you do, it's obviously not doing a very fine job. Since if you truly had some conscience, it would tell you to stop trying to push me together with the one man I detest more than anybody else in the entire world."

"But Severus, my boy," Dumbledore mock-whined, "I just want you to be happy." Twinkle, twinkle.

"Well, if this is your idea about making me happy," the Potions Master spat, "then I have yet another reason to be happy that Sirius Black is dead. Otherwise, you undoubtedly would be currently trying to make me marry him, or something equally horrible!" He shuddered at the mere thought of him and Black together. Well, that would never happen. Not only was the man dead for good, but it was against the very laws of nature. He had no doubt that the Earth would stop moving around if they were together. And, like he knew very well, everybody who knew them both would wholeheartedly agree with him on that.

"Oh, no, not marry," the ancient wizard replied cheerfully. "I'd be perfectly content with you being just lovers. I know that neither of you is the marrying type." And, with a slight grin and a tiny sigh, he added, "But alas, Sirius is not among us anymore. But, as I'm sure you're delighted to hear, I don't think Remus is that much into marrying, either. He doesn't believe in emphasizing one's relationship in such a way; by his view on life, mere love is more than enough reason for two people to stay together."

Severus gave him a serious gaze. "Albus," he said as calmly as he could by this point. This was getting way too far, and Dumbledore had to realize it. Never mind if he'd have to kill the man to get his point across. There were a few things Severus could absolutely not stand, and messing with his romantic relationships -- or, rather, the lack thereof -- was certainly one of those. And, of course, only Dumbledore would do that.

"Yes, my boy?" The Headmaster beamed at him. No doubt he was already planning a wedding, no matter what he said. Maybe Severus and Lupin didn't believe in marriage, but Dumbledore certainly did. Never mind that, forget the marriage, neither of the men wanted even a relationship.

"Are you absolutely certain you want me to smash this teacup on your head?"

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