Deepest Bonds

Deepest Bonds

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Loneliness and Love

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If you've been brought back to life after years of being dead, it's not very likely that your main feeling will be loneliness. After all, being now surrounded by people and life again, how could you be lonely?

However, Sirius was just that when he sat in the living area of Severus's quarters, his thoughts a long time ago wandered away from the book he still had open in his lap. Before, he wouldn't have even considered opening a book, but now it only seemed appropriate. His whole life had changed, so his attitudes could do that as well. And besides, who would be there to tease him about it? Nobody knew the joke.

Yes, he was lonely. None of his childhood friends was there anymore. James had been dead for a long time, Peter was a traitor and didn't deserve to be even remembered, and now Remus was dead as well. It hurt, hurt a lot more than he could have ever imagined it would hurt. And not only was the circle of Marauders broken, the firm friendship and promises of being together forever gone, but also everything else he'd had in his life. Harry was an adult now, getting married. Sure, he still seemingly cared for Sirius and accepted his advices. However, he didn't need Sirius -- not in the way he'd needed the Animagus when he'd been younger. Harry could look after himself now, Sirius didn't have to do that. He was no more needed for a protector, a confidant, somebody to tell him the facts of life, for he knew those already.

And without being needed by Harry, Sirius had no destination. His life seemed to be useless, there was no meaning for his whole existence. He could have just as well returned to the death, and only a few would have really cared, much less mourned, of even those who indeed knew he was alive.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. There was indeed one person who needed him, one purpose for him to live for. Severus Snape needed him to chase his old nightmares away, to keep from anybody evil claiming the slave's bond, to give him a normal, human life -- or at least something with as much resemblance to that as possible. Of course, Severus would have never admitted that he needed help, much less asked for it; he just suffered. He didn't even know of Sirius's self-appointed quest. That didn't make it any less true.

Sirius watched his slave in silence. Although Severus could not be called tanned by any measure, his skin wasn't as deathly pale as before, having now natural paleness instead of the result of spending all his time away from sunlight. The deep blue robes complimented that paleness, making that smooth skin look even more milky white instead of the shade of bones it'd been before his living quarters had been moved. The Potions Master's hair now fell down his back, shiny and silky, not looking greasy anymore. And, although it couldn't be said that he was smiling, his expression and posture were relaxed, and there was a peaceful look in his obsidian eyes. All in all, the man looked... attractive.

That thought startled Sirius at first. However, after thinking about it for a moment, he had to admit that it was true. He did find the Slytherin fairly attractive now, and not only in the obvious physical respect. Lately he'd discovered that Severus was not the cold, bitter bastard he'd always taken him for. Instead, the Potions Master was a frightened, broken man, who had never been truly loved. Well, Dumbledore did indeed love him like a son, a very dear son at that, and there were a few people who loved him as friends, but that wasn't enough. And Remus had loved him, loved him with his whole warm heart, but the werewolf was gone now, gone and wouldn't return. Never had Severus felt what it was like to love and be loved without fear, without thinking that the other might leave him whenever they pleased or that he might be forced to leave them, unable to do anything about it. And never had anybody's love been enough to save him from the life he had to live, nothing had ever been enough to give him a second without fear.

Still, he had stayed strong. That strength was something Sirius loved and admired, just as much as he wanted to fix and repair the broken man that Severus was on his weakest moments, when he let his defences down for a moment, revealing his true self.

"Is something wrong, Master?" a voice asked out of blue.

The sudden voice startled him, and it actually took him a moment to realize that Severus had spoken to him. "What?" he asked hastily. "No, I'm perfectly all right, Severus. There's nothing to worry about, really." He flashed one of his most charming grins. However, it didn't work on the Potions Master.

"Everything is not all right," Severus said, putting his own book aside. "You haven't turned the page for at least half an hour, and you haven't been really reading for twice that long. There's obviously something wrong with you, you've never been quiet for this long."

"Maybe you've made me too much a Slytherin?" suggested Sirius cheekily. However, he regretted this immediately when he noticed the flicker of emotion in the sharp obsidian eyes. He should have remembered that Severus had too many bad experiences of Slytherin Masters, and didn't need another one.

However, Severus collected himself in a whisker of second. "Maybe," he replied, raising an eyebrow. "Or maybe you have become somehow sensible at last." And, like could be expected, he looked very startled after this. Maybe he now trusted Sirius enough to let a sarcastic comment pass his lips whenever he was so relaxed that he forgot to watch his tongue, but that didn't take away any of the fear afterwards. Well, Sirius was glad even about the fact that he actually could relax that much, even if the fear didn't disappear.

"Really, Severus," sighed Sirius, rolling his eyes. "For Merlin's sake, I'm not going to punish you for your words. If I did do that, you'd be dead by now for all the comments you pass in the staff meetings."

"Most probably." The Slytherin smirked at those words, but it took a moment before the fear disappeared from his eyes. Sirius sighed inwardly. He hated to see the strong man like this.

"Anyway, could you give me a hand some day?" asked Sirius then. "I've got Professor Litcerol's syllabus for this autumn, as well as her drafts for the coming spring. However, as I have no experience at all in teaching, making lesson plans would be much easier if I had the help of somebody who actually knows how these things are run. Of course I could ask Minerva, but..." He shook his head.

"She makes you nervous," Severus guessed. "I know, she does that to me, too. It is rather unnerving when she is quicker in reading than most seeing people and, instead of being helped, helps others. True, I wouldn't wish her to be an invalid or anything, but... She's blind, for Merlin's sake!"

"Exactly." Sirius smiled slightly. "Then again, she's never been one to be helped around. I don't think she'd let anything stop herself -- well, unless she became completely mute, deaf, blind, and paralysed."

"Not even then," Severus argued. "She would learn telepathy and then boss everybody around."

"Most probably she'd do just that," Sirius laughed. "I'm actually surprised she hasn't found some way to teach even though she is blind. I mean, she always seemed to know what we were doing even if she wasn't looking towards us. How could not seeing at all stop her from doing the same?"

"She just has a sixth sense for any forecoming trouble," Severus said, smirking slightly. "And, as impossible as it seems at times, the children nowadays are a lot calmer than we were. At times I pity our teachers -- we were a lot worse, and these kids we teach now are still enough to almost drive me crazy. I can only wonder how any of the old professors are still even relatively sane and at peace with the world." Then, he stood up, walking to the nearby bookshelf to put his book away.

Sirius rose as well, walking after Severus. Then he hesitantly raised his hand to touch the other man's cheek. As the Slytherin turned around, looking startled, Sirius couldn't hold himself back any longer. So, he leant forward, placing a soft kiss on Severus's lips.

At first, the dark-haired man went stiff as a board. Then he started to slowly relax. And, when Sirius drew a line over Severus's lower lip with the tip of his tongue, the lips were parted to allow the intruding tongue entrance. The man tasted of tea and, a bit surprisingly, chocolate. Interesting. Maybe Remus had had time to rub off his obsession even during the short time they had been together during the War.

After some time they broke apart. For a moment they both just stared at each other, not knowing what to say or do in this awkward situation. Then Severus suddenly took a step backwards, turning around.

"Er... Severus?" asked Sirius hesitantly. "What is it? Do not take me wrong, I --"

"I understand completely, Master," the other man said quietly. "You've been alone for a long time, and even now you cannot tell anybody that you are alive again. But I am always available to you, now aren't I?" As the Slytherin spoke, his hands started to unbutton the front of his robe. Before Sirius could think of anything to say in response, he noticed that Severus had already discarded his robe, and was now rather mechanically opening his shirt.

The Animagus grasped the unbuttoning hands with his own, stilling them. "Don't do that," he whispered hoarsely. "Listen to me, Severus. I did not kiss you because I am your Master and you are 'always available,' like you put it. I did it because I like you, am attracted to you. And even though I could force you into anything and tell you not to reveal it to anybody, I won't do that. There's no way I could use our bond on my advantage in that way. I'd never do that, never ever."

The Slytherin frowned slightly. "Then what am I to do?" he asked, looking a bit confused. His hands were still frozen on their places, firmly in Sirius's grip.

"Whatever you want," the Gryffindor said softly. "Whatever you want, and nothing you don't want, Severus. If you have feelings for me, too, then do show them. If, however, you do not want any kind of a romantical relationship between us, there will be nothing. It's all up to you, I'm not going to force you into anything." With these words, he pulled Severus's hands down to his sides, then let go. For a moment, neither of them spoke or did anything at all.

Then, however, Severus swallowed a bit and closed his eyes briefly. When he opened them again, there was an emotion in the onyx depths Sirius couldn't fully comprehend. He did know, however, that his words had been believed. Another victory to him in this war against nobody.

"I -- I don't know," the Slytherin said quietly, lowering his eyes to the floor. "Don't take me wrong," he hastened to say, "I did enjoy that... kiss. However, I need... time. To think everything over."

Sirius smiled briefly. "Then take your time," he said. "I will not press any further before you are completely sure about what you want from me -- from us. Do not make a hasty decision." With this, he lifted the other wizard's hand on his lips and kissed it briefly.

And then he left the Potions Master's quarters, leaving a very confused man looking after himself.

*

Sirius was fuming when he closed the door of his bedroom behind himself. What he had just witnessed was just plain wrong. There was no other way to put it -- it was wrong, wrong and inhuman.

Sure, he had seen even before just how inhuman Severus's life was. However, this was too much. The man seemed to honestly think that nobody could actively seek his company unless they wanted to just use him on their advantage. He saw himself desirable only as a fucktoy, and found everybody telling him otherwise highly untrustable. And, obviously, he found it even more difficult to trust his Master. This was understandable, true, considering all his horrible experiences, but to Sirius, it was also disappointing. How could he ever be with Severus without the Potions Master, and everybody else, thinking that he was just using the other man and their bond on his advantage? There was no way that could manage. There was no way they could ever be equals in their relationship, either, if there ever would be one.

Oh, Sirius held no illusions of himself in this matter. He was not a monster, but he wasn't a saint, either. Now Severus was maybe too scared to step much out of line. If, however, they indeed became lovers, that would hopefully be forgotten. But if Severus was no more scared of him, his nasty side would show up. In fights -- which they would surely have -- Sirius would have an unfair advantage, and, given enough temptation, he knew he would not hesitate to use it. He had almost got Severus killed by Remus's werewolf form in his youth when he hadn't been thinking. Merlin only knew what he might do now.

But, even though he was indeed afraid of what he might do to Severus, he had to try. He would never forgive himself if he let it pass without even giving it a try. He'd had lovers before, sure, but those had all been just flings, nothing serious. Now, however, he felt something else for the Potions Master. And, even though he did have a lot of fears and doubts, he wanted to try what would come of it.

However, at first he needed Severus's approval. Otherwise, he would do nothing. The ball had now been passed to his slave, and he only had to hope that the outcome would be good.

He might be a bastard, but he wasn't a rapist. If he had been, he'd been no better than Lucius Malfoy. And if he ever sank that low, he might just as well kill himself, for he'd never forgive himself if he did.

Neither would Severus.

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