Little Red Riding Hood

HairyDragon Fables

Little Red Riding Hood

One beautiful morning Hermione Granger woke up to the sound of birds chirping and the sun shining.

Hermione: What a perfect day to go over to my grandmother's house to give her these lovely cookies.

She said to herself. So she got out of bed and washed up, then got a basket of cookies off of the counter in her kitchen. Then she walked out the door.

Hermione whistles to herself as she closes her cottage door.

Author: Wait! You forgot your red riding hood! We don't have a title if you don't wear your red riding hood!

Hermione looks up at the ceiling and wonders where the voice came from, then she just shrugs and goes back inside to grab her riding hood.

Hermione: I wonder why they call it that. I mean, sure it's red, but it's not like I'm going to ride a horse over to my grandmother's house. And it doesn't just have a hood. It's got a little thingy-thingy, too.

Author: Shut up! You don't even know what you're saying!

Hermione storms out the door.

Hermione: Fine! There's no reason to be rude about it!

Author: Well, the people came here to read about Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf and that won't happen if you stay inside your cottage and start contemplating the meaning of life.

Hermione puts the hood on and starts walking into forest.

Hermione: It's not the meaning of life, I'm just saying that they could have called it something else, is all.

Author: Look! Don't make me put a mustache on you, 'cause I will!! Oh, wait...heehee...

Hermione: What? What's so funny?

Author: You'll see, you'll see.

Just then, a bush moves next to Hermione and the Big Bad Wolf jumps out.

Hermione emits a high pitched, girlie scream.

Draco: (dully) Grrr...I am the Big Bad Wolf!

Hermione looks up at the sky.

Hermione: This is what you give me to work with? Why don't you draw a mustache on me? That would be more scary than this!

Draco: I just want to let all the people know right now that I am usually not this hairy and it's very unnatural for me to be foaming at the mouth!

Author: Shut up, both of you! I don't pay you to patronize me!

Draco: You don't pay us at all!

Hermione looks at Draco.

Hermione: You know, if we all team up, we could sue the pants off of her--

Author: That's enough! Stay in character or I'll release the one-legged space chickens again just like in rehearsal!

Inaudible mumbling come from Hermione and Draco as they take up their characters again.

Draco: Grrr, I am the Big Bad Wolf! What are you doing in my woods?

Hermione: I am just going to my grandmother's house to drop off these delicious cookies.

Draco puts his hand to his chin.

Draco: Hmm...really....and where does your grandmother live, little girl in the red riding hood?

Hermione: Oh, no. I am not going to tell you that my grandmother lives five minutes north of here and that you could probably make it there to eat her before I get there!

Author shakes head sadly.

Draco: Oh, I wouldn't dream of it...see you later!

Draco zips away.

Hermione: Boy, he sure seemed like a well mannered carnivore.

Author: (mumbles) Maybe it's a good thing that you get eaten...

Hermione: What?

Author: (quickly) Nothing.

Hermione starts skipping down the forest path humming 'I'm in the mood for love'.

Five minutes later, Hermione knocks on the door to her grandmother's house.

Grandmother: Come in!

Hermione opens the door without noticing the unusually high-pitched voice of her grandmother.

Hermione: Grandma? Where are you?

Grandma: In the beedrooom!!

Hermione walks over to the bed.

Hermione: Gee, grandma, no offense but you really need to shave. Do you want a cookie?

Hermione sits down in chair next to bed and takes out a cookie from the basket and starts eating it.

Grandma: (voice still high pitched) Ummm, don't you notice anything wrong with me?

Hermione: (still eating) No.

Author: For the love of God-look at her!

Hermione looks at Grandma.

Hermione: Oh, yeah, right...uhh...line?

Draco: (pulls off wig to expose hairy ears) Jesus Christ, I'm just going to eat you now!

Hermione screams loudly as she is being swallowed by the Big Bad Wolf, drawing the attention of a nearby lumberjack.

Draco burps and excuses himself for not chewing his food before he swallowed it...again.

There is a loud bang on the door before someone breaks it down.

Draco: Potter? What the hell are you doing , the door was unlocked!

Harry stands in the doorway, looking embarrassed.

Harry: Sorry, I'll pay for it...

Harry looks down at his arms.

Harry: Damn! My muscles are huge!

Harry starts feeling his biceps.

Draco: Potter, stop checking yourself out and get out of my house.

Harry: Oh, yeah, right. (clears throat) I'm afraid I'm here on rather nasty business Mr. Wolf--

Draco: Please, call me Big Bad.

Harry walks around behind Draco.

Harry: Now if you'll just stand still, I promise it will be fast and painless.

Draco: Well, okay--but only if you prom--

Harry grabs Draco's shoulders to hold him in place and then kicks him in the ass.

The effect makes Draco throw up Little Red Riding Hermione and her grandmother.

Draco: (rubbing his ass) Ow! You promised! I'm not going to be able to sit down for a week now!!

Ron: (picking bits of half-digested food off of himself) Okay, now that I can talk again, I would like to say that that (points to Draco's stomach) was gross and I object to being a sixteen year old male grandmother in a dress and bonnet!!

Author: You've already been eaten--would you like to switch characters?!

Hermione goes up behind Draco.

Hermione: Hey! Give me my cookies!

Hermione kicks Draco in the ass and Draco burps up a cookie.

Ron turns to Harry.

Ron: Damn, Harry, what have you been taking?! Have you been working out?...

Harry flexes his muscles.

Harry: Well...I try to squeeze things...

Draco: I don't get it. Why does Potter get the body of a god and I have to cut my body hair with a weed wacker?!

Hermione: I still don't get why they call it a riding hood!

Author: That's it! I can't take it anymore!!

Everybody screams and runs for their lives as one-legged green chickens come out of nowhere and try to steal the actors underwear.

*~FIN~*

A/N: I'm sorry, I'll try to get better actors next time. Three little pigs is coming up next but, hey, it's me so please be patient. I hope you all got the name (HairyDragon/HarryDraco) I know, I know, not very creative but I thought it was cute...