The Fanfic That Wasn't

The Fic That Wasn't!

By: Winky

THIS IS MY PARODY FIC (DID I SPELL THAT RIGHT???) AND IF I DON'T GET REVIEWS I SHALL LOCK DOBBY IN THE CLOSET..... AGAIN. I SHALL BOIL HIM/HER/IT..... OK DOBBY'S A GIRL. WE ARE BOTH GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!! and hang her and burry her and burn her and..... steal her Tom Felton Doll!! HAHAHA. I AM HERE TO BRING FORTH LOVE, RESPECT, GRACE, HUMBLENESS, AND FAITH. I PROMISE TO-

HARRY: GOOD LORD!!!!!! Is this thing ever going to begin??

HERMIONE: Love?? Respect?? What is this???

RON: PALEEZE!!!!

Winky: Well I just wanted to give an intro-

Sirius: Just get to me and James'-

Winky: James' and my.

Sirius: Yeah. Our part.

Winky: I'll get there!!!

Remus: (quietly) May I hear the rest of you speech?

(Winky note:(hehe) I know I can't spell. I'm in Word Pad-

Sirius: Why?

Winky: Uhhhh....... (Angrily) oh Shut it you. Ok I'm in Word Pad and the experienced writer (or the bored one) knows that it does NOT have spell check. *Shiver* *fear* *quake* *scream in agony..... I mean..... Ok why not. * *Thinks of running away but legs won't move. I decide to be brave and defend my people, my family, and my beliefs.... right* what was I talking about again?

Sirius: You were screaming in....agony about no spell check.

Winky: Oh yeah. Anyway here's the fic)

Ron: Whoa. That was a long Author Note-

Winky: WINKY NOTE!!

Ron: Ok OK OK.

Our story begins- (Remus/Sirius/James/Harry/Hermione/Ron: Finally. Winky: Shoosh!) As Harry is settling back into his bed at number 4 (Winky: Hey! My lucky number) Privett Drive. Harry is exhausted from a long day of labor, fighting evil (Voldemort: It's a cry for attention. Der!! My name is Tom Marvolo Riddle! You can't blame me.) And suddenly being abused at age 15 by his Uncle Vernon, who is too large for words, who was suddenly triggered to hit Harry, because of a reason unknown.

Remus: He's evil. What's there to wonder?

Sirius: I think it was the spores-

James: From the volcano-

Remus: That got into his drinking water.

Harry: He he he.

James: C'mere son.

*James hugs Harry* *everyone gasps*

JK: Yes I know I said no one would ever see James alive. It was meant to throw you off.

Winky: You are so wise almighty ruler.

Jk: *smiles* Thank you. Now I must go get married again and have 4 more babies and write the 6th book, which no one seems to ever talk about.

Winky: Yes please do.

Harry:(feeling content and....stuff) you know dad, of this hadn't been the first fatherly hug I ever received in all my life and for the rest of forever I'd say 'Dude. Dad. Stop. That's like.... gay.' and you would say 'that's ok. This is the wizarding world. No one cares.'

*Hermione and Ginny, who has magically appeared, start snogging*

James: EW!!

*Barfs on Sirius*

Sirius: James!!! You got it on my leather pants!!

Draco: Hey! That's my line!!

Everyone: NO SLYTHERINS ALLOWED!!!!!! WHY DON'T YOU GO OFF AND RAPE YOUR OWN FATHER!!!!!!

*They kick Draco out. *

Draco: (From across the street) *pouts* Fine! That was getting old anyway! AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Is hit by the Knight bus. *

Stan: Oops. Sorry!!

Draco: (weakly) It's ok!

Hermione: Anyway....

Winky: Oh yes....

"Harry!!!" calls Aunt Petunia from down stairs "Get down here!!" Harry opened his sparkling, glowing, magnificent, beautiful, emerald green eyes (Winky: I couldn't decide which one to use) and threw back the covers. His small arm bumped into his knobby knee (Winky: Is it still knobby? JK never mentions his "features" again after the 1st book....) Harry yelped in pain because it was practically torn off by Snipper, Aunt Marge's new favorite dog, the week before. Harry clambers, falls, rolls, climbs, slides, out of bed and goes over to the door-

Harry: Too much detail is boring.

Hermione: Yes. I've noticed that in books. The worst ones completely betray emotion because scientifically the climax of-

Ron: Huh? Could you go back to the part where you notice something?

Everyone: *sigh*

Remus: I notice that too Hermione-

*Rita Skeeter pops out of nowhere because this is my fic and I can do what I want. *

Rita: Really??????? Can I quote you, then screw it up, and sell it to the entire would, poisoning their minds, including the Ministers and make them believe you are a hideous monster who would do anything to eat human flesh??

Remus: No please.

*Snape appears*

Snape: Did someone mention poison?

James/Sirius: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! GET OUT!! BOTH OF YOU!!!!! SNAPE, YOU SUCK SO HARD YOU TURN INSIDE-OUT! GET YOUR BIG-NOSED, 1ST YEAR RAPING SELF-

Snape: I believe that was Lucius who raped the 1st years-

Lucius: Somebody call?

Voldemort: Hey I raped a good deal of 1st years too!!

Harry/Hermione/Ron: We're feeling left out.

Winky: Me too. Hey...this is my fic!!! Get OUT!!!!!!!!

*Rita Skeeter, Lucius Malfoy, Voldemort, and Snape appear outside. *

Rita/Snape/Lucius/Voldemort: What? AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*They are hit by the Knight bus. * *Stan does not stop to apologize because even the most forgiving characters hate their guts. *

Malfoy, (both), Rita, Snape, and Voldemort lay in the middle of the road crumpled.

*Garden Gnomes come marching out of no where singing 'The Underpants Gnomes' song to the tune of the muffin man*

Gnomes: WE ARE THE UNDERPANTS GNOMES! THE UNDERPANTS GNOMES! THE UNDERPANTS GNOMES!! WE ARE THE UNDERPANTS GNOMES, WE STEAL YOUR UNDERPANTS!!!!!!

*And they do everything they say they will do in the addicting song. *

Ron: Where's Peter?

James/Sirius/Remus: *grimace* *shudder* *boil with inexpressible rage* Why? HE IS FROM THE DARK SIDE!!! GET HIM!!

Winky: You shall not harm Harry Potters Wheezy!!

James: Move over you drunk little house elf.

Winky: *pouts*

James: Wait.... we should love and care for one another. We should not fight and do all this violent stuff to our fellow characters. We should Love and respect-

Sirius: Um...no.

Remus: Why does that keep happening?

Harry/Hermione: SHOULD WE JUST LEAVE OR SOMETHING????

Ron: *looks at them suspiciously* Why? What are you going to do?

Hermione: Ronald Weasley!

Harry: What was the point of this fic?

*Sudden silence*

*Grasshoppers/ crickets are heard in the background, eating grass until a newt comes up and eats it and a mouse eats the newt and a snake eats the mouse but an owl takes it away and eats it and this would be the end but this is the wizarding world so, the owl is eaten by a dragon. *

Everyone: What was that?

Winky: Food chain.

Sirius: How about this food chain. *Clears throat* Ok Peter turns into a rat and McGonnagall eats him, in cat form. Then, I get back at McGonagall for giving me so many detentions by eating her. Then, no one eats me cuz I'm special. *Smile*

James: Ok. What about me?

Remus: Aren't you a vegetarian?

James: No.....

Winky: Ok that's all folks!! I'm bored and all out of stuff no one else thought of. Bye! See -

Harry: Wait!! What about the fanfic?

Winky: The what? Oh yeah! The fanfic......I'll do it tomorrow. *Begins to walk away*

Harry: But-

Winky: (calls over shoulder) TOMORROW!

Hermione: But-

Winky: (doesn't even bother looking over shoulder) Tomorrow!!

*Expectant silence* *everyone looks at Ron*

Ron: Oh is it my turn? But-

Winky: TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.............................................

James: Remus?

Remus: What?

James: Your turn.

Remus: I don't want to annoy her. She's Italian.

Sirius: Whatever, I'll do it. BUT!

Winky: (turns around with steam coming out ears, eyes red, hair on fire..... ok maybe not on fire...) GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

*Runs over to Sirius* *jumps on Sirius* *gets Sirius* *classic dust cloud cover the scene because of reasons unknown to us all*

Hermione: I know the answer!

Everyone: We don't care cuz that's the end of the fanfic!!!!

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"'¨'·..¤ **The End**¤..·'¨'"

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