Weasley, Ron Weasley

Chapter 4: In Which The Hero Makes An Ass Out of Himself

When I came to, I was handcuffed to a long metal table à la James Bond. There were no giant lasers in sight, but it was a deucedly uncomfortable position.

I blinked. So, this was the super villain's lair. I wondered where I was exactly, and what sort of torture I was in for. It looked like a very large cave, with no exits other than the entrance. In my current position, I couldn't make use of the door anyway.

Lucius entered at that moment, followed by Rita. When I saw what they were wearing, I did a fair imitation of the Malfoy Smirk.

Lucius had on black leather pants and a silver long-sleeved shirt. His hair was slicked back; he had quite obviously used an entire bottle of gel. Rita was wearing a black leather halter top and silver mini-skirt. She was obviously having trouble breathing and walking.

"So what does Narcissa think of your whore, Lucius?" I called to him from my metal slab.

"She's not in a position to complain," he said dismissively and before I could muddle out that enigmatic statement, he resumed. "It is time, Mr. Weasley, let's make this simple."

"No, I'd rather make this difficult," I responded.

"Don't be childish. Tell me what I want to know and you don't die. It's that simple."

Rita tapped her stiletto-heel clad foot on the floor impatiently. "Can we get on with it?"

Lucius glared at her. "I need to get my wand. I'll be back."

"I'll be right here!" I called to him as he left. Then I turned my attention to Rita. "So, care to explain what you're doing here? I mean, you were nasty before, but not evil."

She shrugged. "I got bored. Journalism doesn't pay that well, you know. So I decided to take a little foray onto the dark side. Lucius happened to be in need of my particular talents."

I scoffed. "That's disgusting, Rita. And it doesn't bother you in the slightest that you're shagging another woman's husband?"

"Has it ever bothered you to shag a married woman?" she asked pointedly.

"That's beside the point," I said, turning red.

She walked around to the side of the table I was strapped to and leaned into my ear.

"If I were you," she whispered, "I'd tell Lucius what he wants to know. He's dangerous when he's angry."

"And I'm sure you've had plenty of experience with his angry side."

I heard footsteps, Rita must have heard them too. She thought it was Lucius, but I knew better. Sure enough, Draco Malfoy stood in the doorway, his eyes burning with a hatred that I knew was reserved just for me.

"What are you doing, Skeeter?" he asked sharply. "Come away from him."

"Why?" she asked. "Your daddy's in charge, little dragon, and he lets me do as I wish."

I watched the interaction with mounting interest. If only one of my hands was free; I had a terrible itch.

"I said come away from him," Malfoy repeated. "Father won't be pleased if you've harmed him in any way."

Rita moved away from me with the slippery grace of a serpent. "Draco," she said with a pout, "I was just going to have a little fun."

"Get out," he ordered. "I'll watch him, although I seriously doubt he's going anywhere."

I tried to nod in agreement, but it was rather difficult owing to the position I was in. "I seemed to be tied up at the moment."

Malfoy glared at me. "Shut your mouth and quit making those obnoxious remarks. Rita, get out."

With the pout still plastered on her face, Rita left the room. Malfoy watched her leave with an expression of disgust across his aristocratic features. He shook his head.

"Never should have slept with that woman," he said to himself. "Caused all sorts of problems."

I nearly choked. "Her too? Honestly, Malfoy, she has to be twice your age!"

Malfoy looked at me. "Twice my father's age too." He saw my expression of horror, confusion and disgust. "She's a demon, Weasley. Succubus. Ageless."

"Oh," I said. I had no retort for that. Except... "Eww."

"How do you know Lila?" he asked abruptly.

I was taken aback. Hermione's disguise was clearly intact. I toyed with the idea of giving her secret away, but thought the better of it. If he trusted her, I could use that to my advantage.

"You can't tell, but I'm shrugging," I informed him. "I hadn't met her before the Sleazy Weasel. Nice voice. As well as other things."

He started to turn red, and I watched in amusement.

"You...her...you didn't..." He was choking on the words.

"What, Malfoy? Shag her? What would you do if I said yes? Do you love her?"

"No." That icy Malfoy control was back; like I said before, it's very difficult to knock Malfoy off his stride for long.

"What is going on in here?"

Lucius had returned, still wearing that stupid outfit. I snorted and he glared at me.

"Draco, go. Get the book." He nodded and left the room. Lucius turned to me.

"Could you perhaps loosen these metal shackles?" I asked politely.

"No, don't ask that."

"Isn't this the point in the story where you tell me your evil, but brilliant plan?" I prodded.

Lucius looked thoughtful. He started to pace in his lair. I watched him and realized that death hadn't improved his sanity--or his fashion sense.

"I suppose. You'll be dead by the time the fun starts anyway. My army of the dead is only the first step, you know." He walked to one wall where there was something covered by a tarp. He whipped it off. "Ta da."

My eyes narrowed as I suppressed a gasp. It was an enormous machine with the Dark Mark printed on the side.

"What is it?" I asked, trying to keep the awe from my voice. It was rather impressive.

"The Slytherin 1, also known as the Death Machine." Lucius was amused by my intrigue. He, however, didn't know that I still had the recorder on.

"And what does it do?"

Lucius caressed the thing almost lovingly; I was ready to be sick, but I didn't want to get my tux dirty--it was a rental.

"It kills, Mr. Weasley. Point the Slytherin 1 at the city of your choice and every muggle and muggleborn with in it will be killed by Avada Kedavra."

I gasped. "That's diabolical! Genius," I added grudgingly, "but diabolical!"

"Thank you," Lucius replied, pleased. "Now, shall we get on with it?"

He walked to the metal table I was attached to and took out his wand. The table rose to a diagonal position so I could see his sneer. He brought his face close to mine and I could see the madness in his eyes.

"I spent several years in Hell, Mr. Weasley, waiting until I could exact my revenge on the person who killed me. You."

I stared straight into his crazy eyes. "Yes, I know I killed you. I was there."

Lucius was not in the mood for my levity. "If my son had not taken the initiative and resurrected me, you might have been safe. Now I will kill you."

"Not if I kill you first!" the retort leaving my mouth before I could stop it.

"Where is M.A.T.D.A. located?" he demanded.

"Uranus," I spat. He smiled.

"Very well, Crucio!"

A medium-sized smoking hole appeared in the space between my ankles. I looked up at him, sweat dripping down my face.

"You missed," I said with some satisfaction.

"I was going for the dramatic effect," he said. "I'll give you another chance. Who runs it?"

"None of your damned business."

His scowl deepened. "Cut out the smart remarks, Mr. Weasley, I want answers. Crucio!"

A smoking hole appeared between my knees. They were getting a bit too close for comfort.

"Could you aim for my chest next time?" I asked. "If I'm going to die I'd like to do it intact."

"Where is M.A.T.D.A.?"

"I'd sooner eat a poisonous snake than tell you, you smarmy bastard," I said loudly.

He raised his wand again and I winced, knowing this time he would hit me with the curse. Instead he called out to his son.

"Draco! Bring them in!" He turned back to me. "We'll see how brave you are, Mr. Weasley, when it is your friends who are threatened."

Malfoy came in carrying the Book of the Dead, followed closely by Crabbe who was holding Harry and Ginny, bound and gagged, in his meaty arms. I took one look at my friends and started to laugh.

"What are you laughing at?" Lucius snapped.

"You, you moronic thug. Those aren't my friends. Take a closer look, you near-sighted fool."

Lucius bent down to inspect his prisoners. Just as he had bent down, the two tied-up people started to change back into who they really were.

Gregory Goyle and Pansy Parkinson.

Lucius let out a wordless bellow of rage and stormed over to me. I thought I was done for for sure.

"STUPEFY!"

A very loud voice filled the chamber and Lucius, Draco, and Goyle hit the floor, unconscious. Smoke filled the room and I couldn't tell who had cast the spell, but I was hoping it was Harry or Ginny.

It wasn't.

Hermione surveyed her handiwork before rushing to my side, fiddling with the metal cuffs binding me to the table.

"Nice timing," I commented. "But are you nuts? Get out of here!"

"Alohomora!" she cried and the cuffs sprang open. She grabbed my wrist and pulled me off the table. I stumbled, my legs were numb.

"Come on," she shouted, "we have to go! They'll wake up any moment."

Pulling on my arm, Hermione led me from the room and set a blazing pace, obviously trying to find a way out. But each tunnel ended in a dead end and some led in circles. Finally, too tired to move any farther, I collapsed on the floor.

"I can't go any further," I gasped. "I have to rest."

She was trying very hard not to look at me, so I stood up and took her face in both my hands, forcing her eyes to meet mine. I had lost what was left of my wits by then so I kissed her hard on the mouth.

This went on for quite some time until I released her. She stumbled back against the cave wall, breathless and impressed.

"Wow," she breathed. "You've never kissed me like that before."

"Explain." My voice was like ice and Hermione was too nervous to question me.

"I joined the AA, Ron," she said. I stared blankly. "The American Aurors. Honestly, don't you know anything?"

I smiled in relief. "There's the Hermione I know. So what are you doing here?"

She smiled tremulously back; I suddenly realized she must have been under a tremendous amount of pressure, and my sudden appearance had thrown her off. Just like her sudden appearance had thrown me off.

"I was sent to gather information on Voldemort," she said with a shrug. "I figured that the best way to do that was to integrate myself with Malfoy. Fortunately he didn't recognize me."

"I didn't at first either, Hermione." I looked at her. Her bushy hair was tied in a braid and she wasn't wearing any make-up. She was wearing tight black pants and a black sleeveless shirt. "I like you better like this."

She blushed. "Ron, hadn't we better--"

"Better what? Move? Not now, I need to rest. We're safe here for a moment. Here, take my shoe."

Hermione looked completely bewildered as I handed her my left shoe and took off my right. I turned it over and saw that there was only one button. So I pushed it and held the shoe to my ear. She was still staring at me as if I had lost my mind.

"Hello?" said a voice on the other end.

Relief flooded through me. "Dad, it's me!"

"Ron!" he sounded relieved as well. "Are you alright?"

"I need the car, Dad, but I don't know where I am. Don't ask me to explain, but I'm sure you equipped it with some sort of tracking device, right?"

"Yes, just call for it."

"Call for it? It has a name?"

"I called it the Chudley Mobile, son. Just call it like you would a dog."

"Thanks, Dad, I'll keep in touch."

I put my shoe back on. Hermione had watched me talk to my shoe with her mouth hanging open. Now, wordlessly, she handed me the other one. I opened the heel and reached inside. I found what I was looking for and pulled it out.

"What is that?" Hermione asked, fascinated.

"Polyjuice Potion and people to turn into," I replied. "But there's only enough for one person. I have to go back and get the book."

"You mean this book?" Hermione said slyly, holding out the thick leather-bound tome.

"That was my job, you know," I said irritably. Kissing her hadn't done any good for my confused thoughts. If anything, it only made it worse.

"Ron," Hermione said urgently, shaking my arm. "There's something I have to tell you. I'm sorry, about ten years ago. I didn't mean it. I--"

She stopped short and I turned.

"My, my, isn't this sweet."

Blaise Zabini stood there, a wand in her hand and a smirk on her lips.

* * *

Back where I started. Only this time I had Hermione for company.

Blaise marched us in front of her, our hands above our heads, into the chamber with the Slytherin 1.

"In that corner." She pointed. "Master! I've got them."

I tried to reason with her. "Blaise, this is ridiculous, let's talk about this. Maybe we can come to an agreement."

Blaise turned her gaze to me and her eyes gleamed hungrily. "You probably wouldn't like my agreement."

She was probably right.

"You think you're so clever, Mr. Weasley," she said sensuously. Blaise brought her face close to mine and I noticed, somewhat irrelevantly, that she had green eyes. She kissed me for a very long time before releasing me. "But I'm far more clever than you are. I must admit, you do have something to be cocky about--" Hermione made a sort of angry gurgling noise and I flushed to the roots of my hair. "--but I will still enjoy watching my master hurt you."

But it wasn't Lucius Malfoy who came running over, it was Draco. He bounded into the room and stopped short when his eyes fell on Hermione who was being held at wand point by Blaise.

"What the hell is going on, Blaise?" he asked. "It's Lila, let her go!"

Blaise smiled her cat-like smile. "Oh no, Draco. This isn't Lila Parker. Her name is Hermione Granger."

Malfoy's reaction was fascinating. He turned white from shock and then red with anger.

"Granger?" There were so many different emotions in that single word. Hate, anger, sorrow, and surprise. He sounded devastated, poor boy.

Hermione met his stare. "Yes. I'm sorry."

Malfoy's mouth puckered and he turned to Blaise. "Get out!" he screamed. "Out!"

Blaise was taken aback. "Alright, Draco, I'm leaving." She backed out of the room and fled.

Malfoy rounded on Hermione and for a moment I thought he was going to hit her, but instead he just stared at her. I noticed that while his wand was out, he seemed a trifle distracted. I slowly started to back up.

"It was all a lie?" he asked. When Hermione didn't respond, he shook her. "Answer me! Damn you, Granger. To Hell with all Muggleborns!"

Suddenly he realized that he was in a room with a giant muggleborn killing machine. He started towards it, his hand on the switch.

"Malfoy, no!" I cried. Hermione was rooted to the spot, her eyes focused on the machine.

He spun on his heels and glared at me, his eyes red with fury.

"Why not?" he asked, his voice raspy. "Why the fuck not?" He glanced from me to her and saw the look on my face. "You want her for yourself, don't you? I spent months with her. Buying her gifts, saving every lingering look, listening to her sing. But none of it was for me."

"Malfoy, just calm down." There was a note of hysteria in his voice. I edged toward him, slowly. "Don't do something you'll regret! Just back away from that thing and leave Hermione alone."

"Why would I regret it? You love her, don't you? Well I did too!"

Just as I lunged for him, he pulled the switch. Hermione snapped out of her frozen state and jumped on him, knocking him to the ground. I thudded into the side of the machine, which was warming up and starting to shake, and fumbled for my shoe. Pulling out that wonderful little cannister I aimed it at Malfoy and pulled the top off.

It worked perfectly. This orange light burst from the can and buried itself into his chest. He fell directly into Hermione's arms.

Then the cavern started to shake. I glanced at the machine and saw the sign that said "Warning: Overload". It was going to explode. Of course, the villain's lair always exploded.

"Hermione!" I shouted. "The place is going to explode! We have to leave!"

She glared at me. "Implode is more like it, Ron. But I agree, we should leave."

I'm always amazed that Hermione can pick the most inopportune moments to correct me.

The room shook again and I nearly fell over. It was crumbling as I spoke and chunks of rock fell from the ceiling. Hermione cast a spell on Malfoy's body so that it raised up off the ground and hovered in the air.

A siren went off and Lucius Malfoy came running in. The more the merrier.

"My machine!" he screamed. I noticed he was more interested in the machine than his son.

"We have to go!" I cried. "It's going to explode!"

But I couldn't tear him from the machine. Another quake shook us and more rock fell from the ceiling. Rita ran in, but one look at what was happening and she disappeared in a puff of green smoke. Succubus indeed.

"Run, Hermione!" I screamed. Taking her hand, as she led Malfoy, we ran from the room and down the hall. A dead end.

"We have to get out of here," Hermione cried in frustration.

"I can help."

It was Blaise again and I was still unarmed. Hermione whipped her wand around and pointed it at Blaise; she raised her hands into the air.

"Don't be stupid, Granger," she said scornfully. "I'm the only conscious one who knows how to get out of this death trap."

Hermione was clearly torn. I called out, "Hermione, we don't have time for this! Just trust her!"

"But she's a Death Eater!" Hermione cried.

"I don't care!" I said. "I want to get out of here in one piece!"

She looked at me, horrified. "Do you love her?"

"What?!" I exploded. The cave shook ominously again and more chunks of rock fell from the ceiling.

"Did you sleep with her?"

"This is hardly the time or the place!"

"Answer the question!"

"No! Can we go now?"

"Fine!"

Blaise looked back and forth between Hermione and me. "You two are a pair, I'll give you that."

"Wait," I said, catching Blaise's sleeve as she passed by. "What about Harry and Ginny?"

"Never in this place," she replied haughtily. "Draco caught Pansy and Goyle, disguised as Potter and your sister."

She lead us through the maze. The place kept trembling and knocking us off our balance. After what seemed like forever, although it probably wasn't more than five minutes, I was beginning to regret placing my trust in Blaise. Finally, though, I saw daylight.

It was the end of a tunnel. Blaise barged on ahead and the rest followed. I almost didn't hear her piercing scream over the rumble of falling rocks.

I rushed to the edge, ignoring Hermione's cry for me to be careful. Blaise was hanging off the ledge by a single hand.

"There was a bridge," she cried. "Help me!"

I bent down to give her my hand. "Grab hold!"

She grabbed my hand and I pulled with all of my strength. I managed to get her over the ledge and she squirmed up.

We stared at each other for a moment before she said, "Thanks."

"No problem," I replied.

"I hate to interrupt this touching scene," Hermione said irritably, with Malfoy still floating behind her, "but this place is ready to implode and we have no way to get across."

I laughed at her. "What kind of spy are you, Herm? Where are your gadgets?"

I reached into my left shoe and pulled out the rope Dad gave me.

"Is he nutty?" I heard Blaise ask Hermione.

"Usually," she replied.

I gritted my teeth. "Hermione, use your wand. Tap this and say 'Ironius'."

She did as I asked and the grappling hook appeared. I swung it around a few times and looped it around a tree branch. I tugged it a few times to make sure it was secure. Then I turned back to the girls, painfully aware of the rumblings which were growing steadily louder.

"I'll go first. If it can support my weight, it will support yours."

I met no objections which was a nice change. With a deep breath, I grabbed the rope, walked back a few paces, then ran off the ledge with a loud yell.

For a few perilous seconds I was sure I was going to drop down into the shark infested waters below, but I managed to grab hold of the opposing ledge and scramble up. Add a few scrapes to my list of injuries.

"I'm alright!" I called. "Come on! Blaise, you next."

She did the same thing I did, including closing her eyes and screeching loudly. She had gotten enough momentum that it carried her all the way across.

"Hermione!" I bellowed. "Your turn! Hurry, it's going to explode!"

She hesitated. "What about Draco?"

"You'll levitate him across after, come on!"

"I'll do it," Blaise said worriedly. "I have a wand."

She picked up Malfoy's comatose body with a spell and brought him across. Hermione held the rope and I could tell she was terrified. But she stepped back a few paces and ran forward. I could tell as she leapt off the ledge that she didn't have enough momentum to keep her going.

She stopped directly in the middle, hanging perilously over the shark infested waters, dangling in the wind. Her face clearly showed her fright.

"Hermione!" Her name ripped from my throat. Without thinking I grabbed the wand from Blaise's hand and whipped it around. I cried out the first spell that came to mind. "Wingardium Leviosa!"

Nothing. Hermione shook her head at me.

"Honestly, Ron," she shrieked. "That's a first year spell! Remember what I taught you! Make the 'gar' nice and long!"

I was annoyed that even in the face of a terrible danger she still found a chance to correct me. But I did as she said.

"Wingardium Leviosa! Let go of the rope, Herm, I've got you!"

With her eyes screwed tight she let go and I had to focus all of my power to bring her to me. Just as she let go the lair exploded, showering me with chunks of rock. But I didn't let go, I pulled her in until I could grasp her in my arms.

"Oh, Hermione, thank Merlin," I murmured into her hair, which was coming out of it's braid.

She dusted herself off and glared at me, her cheeks flushed.

"If you ever act like such an idiot again," Hermione said angrily, "I'll kill you."

"Me?" I exclaimed. "I just saved your life! This is the thanks I get?"

"Ahem," Blaise said. Somehow her wand was back in her hand. And it was pointed at us. Oh, of course, the redeemed villain turns out not to be redeemed after all. I should have seen that coming.

"Aieee!" Hermione shrieked as she kicked Blaise in the stomach and sent her sailing. I was impressed.

"Nice one," I said.

"Thanks," she replied. She inspected my appearance and I had a fleeting feeling of being on display. "You look terrible."

"You're not a pretty picture yourself." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them and I mentally cursed myself. For a while, things had been almost normal between us. Hermione's eyebrows raised before she nodded. We were back on old footing.

"You get him and I'll get her. Let's go," she said curtly.

"Here, Chudley Mobile!" I called, feeling like a complete idiot. A few minutes later my red convertible pulled up and Hermione and I got in, dumping Blaise and Malfoy into the back seat.

So towing the unconscious bodies of two Death Eaters, we headed for home.