Out of Time and Memory

Chapter Five - Contemplation

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Time

Only time

Could never take me away from you

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Time. The one thing that we never had. Oh, seven years of school seemed like all the time in the world when we were there. But now, looking back, I realize just how short a time that really was. And then we had barely three years out of school together. Before everything fell apart. Before Peter turned. Before James and Lily were dead, and you were just gone. And though I almost believed their stories, almost believed that you had done the unthinkable and turned in James and Lily and killed Peter, there was always that niggling thought in the back of my mind that kept me from totally believing it. That little corner of my thoughts that kept saying, in your voice, "I didn't do it!"

But you were gone, and we had no more time together. Twelve years apart, longer than our ten years of friendship. But those ten years were the happiest of my life.

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And why

Should it try

Time never cares just what we do

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And then you were back. At first that thought frightened me: What if you were after Harry? I was glad to be at Hogwarts teaching that year. Harry reminded me so much of James, albeit a more cautious James. Harry has a kinder heart in some ways--he would never think of playing some of the pranks that the Marauders pulled. And once more, watching Harry with his friends, I was reminded of us: you and me and James. Their group has no Peter. No one to give them up in the ultimate betrayal.

Maybe they'll have the time together that was stolen from us.

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It just sits on a star

And gazes down

Dropping its moments all around

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After you came back, we had two years to get to know each other again. You were on the run for that first year, but the second, we were all at your family home at number 12 Grimmauld Place. We had many repeats of our school years, staying up until all hours of the morning, just talking to each other about everything. I know that that inspired rumors among the rest of the Order, just as it had at Hogwarts, but I didn't care. I had so much to tell you about my life you had been gone. But you never talked much about your stay in Azkaban. I can understand that. If things were bad for me those twelve years you were locked away, then every moment there must have been pure hell for you.

But I really didn't mind if you didn't talk about your stay in Azkaban. We finally had time together again. And that was all that mattered.

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And if I could wish upon that star

I would find what you dream

And then ask God to grant it

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And now I sit n my bed, staring out my window, thinking back to those conversations we had. You are gone again, gone to wherever Lily and James went. I guess that two of the Marauders are together again, somewhere. But that somewhere isn't here. And it's tearing me apart.

As I look out my window, I find a star. Your star, Sirius. The Dog-Star. I always found that amusing. You would scowl at me whenever I called you 'Our little star,' but I think you found it amusing, too. And if I could, I would wish upon that star with all of my might, asking it to bring you back. Please, God, just let me have my best friend back.

But I know that that won't happen. Because you're gone again. And from this place, you can't come back.

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I wanted

To say this

Long before this dark would fall

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Why didn't I tell you, when you were still here, that you were the best friend I ever had? I know you were closer to James than to me, but I was closer to you than to James. You were two people's best friend, and that role suited you just fine. But I never did tell you that. None of us ever told each other that. We just took it for granted that the others knew. And we might've, but it still would have been nice to say it. I wanted to tell you this, it just never seemed the time.

I never got to tell you that you were my best friend. And that as such, I loved you.

And now it's too late.

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At night I

Would pray this

Then wonder if God heard at all

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Every night, I pray that I see you in my dreams. For it's then, and only then, that I could forget that you are gone. But whenever I do see you, it is a replay of the scene in the Department of Mysteries. I see you fall behind that curtain again and again and again. And the rest of the Order wonders why I try not to sleep anymore. They say it's not healthy. And it's probably not. But even though I might resolve not to sleep, it always creeps up on me, and in the final few seconds of wakefulness, I pray that I can dream about a good time, with the Marauders all alive and well. But I have to wonder if God hears my prayers at all, because the only dream that visits me is of your death. . .

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For the chances I've had are now long gone

And that star is no longer wished upon

For on this night it seems too far away

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Any chance I had to tell you my feelings died on the same night you did. They disappeared behind a curtain with you. And tonight, the star Sirius seems farther away and dimmer than it ever has before.

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Try

I have tried

To pretend that I don't care

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That same phenomenon, the dimming of your star, happened before, too. Just after you went to Azkaban prison. Oh, how I tried to pretend then that I didn't care you were gone. After all, they all told me that you had killed three of my best friends. And as I said, I almost believed them. And I pretended that I didn't care. But that's all it was: pretending.

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But then

Sleep arrives

And in every dream I find you there

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But then I would dream. Those were happy dreams, though. Dreams about our days as the Marauders. Dreams of James and Lily's wedding, of Harry's birth. Happy times. And as long as I could find those happy times through my dreams, that corner of my mind kept nagging at me that maybe you were innocent, and that you might come back someday. The more logical part of my mind told it to shut up, of course, and during the day no such thoughts were allowed to break through. Or they were repressed if they did.

But now there are no happy dreams to comfort me. And I know you're not coming back this time.

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But I don't want the past to be my life

And I don't want to live inside this night

But I don't want to see your shadow fade

So I sleep and I dream

Though I don't understand it

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But I can't live inside my dreams anymore. Even the one of your death. And as I sit, conversing with your star, I admit to myself that I have to let you go, if I intend to move on with my life. But, God, it hurts. Because even though I know I can't live in the night, conversing with your star as I would with you, I don't want to let your presence fade from my life, either. But I turn away from the window, and I slide between my sheets. I am ready to sleep now, even though I know what dreams sleep will bring with it. But I still don't understand why I have to dream of the worst happening in my life. I don't understand why dreams can't bring memories of happy times, instead.

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I wanted to say this

Long before this dark would fall

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The night seems to be darker as I snuggle down under my sheets. I never was afraid of the dark, but now it reminds me of you. Black, like your name. And I find that I have to turn over, to look out of my window again. I have to find your star. Because maybe, just maybe, when I talk to you through that star, you can hear me. And so I tell the star everything that I always wanted to tell you, but could never quite find the words.

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At night I

Would pray this

Then wonder if God heard at all

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I pray to God that you can hear my words on some level. Please, God, let you hear me. At least that would be some measure of comfort. And once again, I wonder if God is hearing my prayers.

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For the chances I've had are now long gone

And that star is no longer wished upon

For on this night it seems too far away

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I wish that I had taken the chance to tell you all this when you were alive. You might have laughed, and told me not to be so serious. Or you might have told me that our friendship meant as much to you as it did to me. I don't know. But you would have known how I felt. Now, though, all I can do is talk to you through a star, a star that seems to be becoming dimmer by the second. Or maybe that's just my eyes going out of focus as I drift off to sleep.

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You can live your life in a thousand ways

But it all comes down to that single day

When you realize what you regret

What you can't reclaim but you can't forget

If I could just fall back into my life

And find you there inside this night

And let eternity just drift away. . .

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No matter how I live from now on, I tell your star, I will never forget you. You influenced my early life, and my later life. You left your mark on me, on Harry, on the entire order. And though there are times that I regret, such as your time in Azkaban, and times that I can't forget, such as our days as The Marauders, I know that I will never be able to reclaim any of that time. It always comes back to time, doesn't it? The fact that we didn't have enough. But I think now, now that I've poured my soul out to you through the star that bears your name, I might be able to go back to living instead of this active death that I've been going through. Tomorrow I have to give your eulogy. We are going to bring Harry from his relative's house for a day, to the same church that I gave the eulogy for James and Lily in. And after that, I will fall back into the daily grind of work. But for now, I fall into the waiting arms of sleep. And I think that tonight, I might be able to dream of happier times. Because your star has just become brighter, a beacon in the sky. And I think that you have heard me. So I smile, and let sleep claim me, and let myself drift in eternity as I step into my dreams. . .