Out of Time and Memory

Chapter Four - Remembrance

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Lost in your dark I see you there
What do you see beyond your stare
And you believe that no one else can know

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I sit alone in my cell, back snuggled against the cold wall. My knees are drawn up to my chest, my arms wrapped around them and my forehead resting on them, making myself as small as I possibly can, conserving body heat. It's so cold in Azkaban, the Dementors keep it that way. It's also dark here, I've never been anyplace so dark. Not only the physical absence of light. No, this is the absence of any emotion that would even add a tinge of lightness to the atmosphere. Here, you are utterly and completely alone with your memories. And those are the one thing I don't need to be alone with at this point. Because what I will see when I look up is far more terrible than anything I ever thought I would be part of. And no one will ever understand.

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What is this thing you keep inside
Out of the light and wrapped in pride
Always afraid that one day it will show

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They will never understand because they all think that I killed James and Lily. They think I tried to kill Harry, my own godson. They will never understand because they won't listen to my pleas of innocence. And one thing they will never understand simply because I won't let them, is the fact that sometimes, in the encroaching insanity, is that I almost believe that I did kill them.

But I can't give in to that insanity. The one thing that keeps me from insanity is the knowledge that I am innocent of their deaths, at least in a direct manner. I may be guilty in the fact that I unknowingly led their murderer to them, but I did not kill them. But the one thing I fear more than anything else in this place is loosing that knowledge. For without it, I am lost.

I wish that I had not switched with Peter for the responsibility of being James and Lily's secret keeper. I'm good at keeping secrets. Always was.

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I'll keep your secrets
I'll hold your ground
And when the darkness starts to fall
I'll be around there waiting
When dreams are fading
And friends are distant and few

Know at that moment I'll be there with you

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I would never have turned James and Lily over to the Dark Lord. He was the best friend that I ever had. His family took me in when I ran away from home at sixteen, away from the darkness that was my family. I guess that's why they felt so sure in convicting me, because of my family history. But I would never have done anything to hurt any of them, especially James. I would have kept their secrets, I would have made sure that they were safe. There was darkness all around that family, but hey were the bright lights in the middle of it. Many of the friends that we had at Hogwarts were dead, many had turned to Voldemort, but I would have stayed at James' side as long as he needed me to.

That's what best friends do.

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What are these voices that you hear
Are they too far or far too near
What are these things that echo from the past

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All of a sudden, while lost in my thoughts, I hear a familiar voice call my name.

"Sirius."

I look up, and I see a figure standing in front of me. A figure I never thought I would see again. I know that he's not really here, I can see right through him, just like I could always see through the Hogwart's ghosts. He says my name again, and I finally find my voice.

"James?"

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Who are these ghosts you see at night
There in the shadows of your life
They only live by the light you cast

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"Sirius?" If I were not so shocked, I would have laughed. That was always one of James' favorite jokes, to answer a question with a question, even if it was just a person's name. He looks so real, I hardly believe he's an apparition. I think that I've maybe gone mad. But if this is madness, I hope that I never return from it. Maybe I could forget, at least for a little while, that James is dead. . .But I can't, I feel the need to explain why I'm decaying in this cell instead of raising my godson.

"James, they think I killed you. They don't believe me when I say that the secret keeper was changed to Peter. They think I killed him, too, and for the first time in my life, I don't know what to do." I look at James, and see that the apparition has his eyes closed, but I know that he already knows this information. I still feel some need to explain, though. "James, I wish you were really here. I need you. I can't fight the insanity of Azkaban by myself. There's too much darkness, and it's heavy. It pushes me down. "

James opens his eyes and looks at me. "Sirius, I'm always here, with you, in some way. Never forget that. Whenever you think you're alone, my spirit is always near you. Lily and I, we live on in the light within you, the memories you hold of us. You know you are innocent of the things they accuse you of. Keep that belief, don't let it fade. It will keep you sane."

I nod. I don't know why, but I believe this ghost of James.

"Thank you, James." I lean forward, needing to tell him something before he disappears and I possibly never see his ghost again.

"I would never have betrayed you, James. I would never have betrayed Lily and Harry, either, but especially not you. Ever."

James nods his head. "I know."

James stands, stepping back into his original position. It is now that I realize there is another apparition in the cell with us. It is Lily. She stands next to James, with tears running down her face. She speaks to me in a whisper.

"Don't give up, Sirius. Your chance is coming. Watch for it, and be strong. For us. For Harry; he will need you." I nod. I know that she's right. And as the apparitions fade, I say now what I should have said then.

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I'll keep your secrets
I'll hold your ground
And when the darkness starts to fall
I'll be around there waiting
When dreams are fading
And friends are distant and few

Know at that moment I'll be there with you

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I hope that I can fulfill my promise. If I fail this time, I don't know if even the ghosts of my best friend can pull me back from insanity.

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I'll be around

When there's no reason left to carry on

And every dream you've ever had is gone

And the dark is deep and black without a sound

And every star has been dragged to the ground

Know at that moment I will be around

Know at that moment I will be around

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The ghosts of my best friends in the world are gone. I know that they are still near, though. Suddenly, I have a reason to carry on. I have a dream to work towards. The dark is pushed back infinitesimally, but it's enough. The stars shine in the sky once more, through the slit of a window high in the cell. All of my goals are pointed in one direction. The only remaining family I have. The only way I can ever make up my failures to my best friend is to keep his son safe.

I have to remain strong for one reason. I have to make it out of Azkaban for the same reason.

Harry. James' son. My godson. If I have to die, it will not be in a jail cell in Azkaban Prison. It will be keeping Harry safe.

Even if I couldn't keep James' secrets, I will keep Harry's.

For him, I will always be around.

Always.