Every Time a Bell Rings...

It was just another day in the life of Draco Malfoy. Except that... he was in an exceptionally murderous mood. That morning, for the first time ever, he had run out of insulting things to say to Harry Potter. And then, in Potions, he had been so intent on throwing plastic spiders at Ron Weasley's back that he hadn't noticed that he had grabbed a jar of powdered salamander skin instead of powdered unicorn tail and wound up with magically smoldering fingernails. Then, as if all this hadn't been bad enough, Professor McGonagall had caught him sneaking up to pour itching powder down Potter's back and screeched "Malfoy!" so loudly that he dropped the itching powder jar. Then, to his absolute horror, Potter caught it with a levitation spell before it shattered on the floor, winning Gryffindor ten points, and getting thirty deducted from Slytherin. Oh yes, Draco Malfoy was certainly in a foul mood... how he hated that Harry Potter...

As he trudged aimlessly around the castle at the end of the day, he found himself the sole occupant of a long, stone hallway aside from some babbling Hufflepuff girls. Only half-listening, he suddenly caught a snatch of their conversation.

"So Muggles believe that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings? That's silly..."

"How can something done in one place effect something in another place?"

"It's kind of like when Harry Potter's scar hurts, right?"

"Ooh, what a cute angel~!"

Amidst the retreating echoes of girlish giggling, Draco was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea.

"Ouch!"

Sorry, I didn't mean you were struck literally!

"Well be more careful you mud-!"

Uh, uh, uh~~! Watch your mouth or you'll regret it, Malfoy!

"Fine then," he muttered sulkily.

And so the story continues...

Draco narrowed his eyes, rubbing his hands together in devious pleasure.

"Oooh, you are going to enjoy this, Potter," he purred. He took off down the hall, leaving a trail of maniac "Ah ha ha ha ha ha has" in his wake. My, my, but that boy is bad...

He tore into the broom shed and dug out his magnificent Nimbus Two Thousand (and One! "Ha ha, Potter!") (Harry: "But I have a Firebolt now...")

"Now, we'll see who has the last laugh, Potter! Wa ha ha ha ha!" His laughter echoed through the starry night sky.

*******
Meanwhile, in the Head Quarters of Lord Voldemort, Wormtail shuffled about, snivelling to himself about some pathetic thing or other.

"Ooh! That stupid Harry Potter! If he hadn't escaped my master last time, he wouldn't be taking his foul temper out on me~!" He continued whining in that fashion until he heard a scraping on the high, vaulted windows.

"Wh-who's there?!" he demanded.

Malfoy tapped on the glass, floating halfway up the length of the window on his Nimbus Two Thousand and One. He mouthed something.

"What?" Wormtail said, cupping a hand around one ear.

Malfoy mouthed more exaggeratedly.

"What?" Wormtail said again, clearing earwax out of his ear.

Malfoy mouthed again, this time his mouth extending to cover the entire dimensions of his face.

"What?!"

As Malfoy prepared to scream at the top of his lungs, Wormtail scrambled toward the window, muttering "Here, let me open this window so I can hear you."

"I SAID OPEN UUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!"

"Oh," said Wormtail, covering his sensitive ears.

"Oh, honestly," Malfoy huffed, dismounting from his broom.

"Ah, young Master Malfoy," Wormtail snuffled, squinting his watery little eyes at him. "What brings you here?"

"I've got a great idea to get even with Harry Potter!" Malfoy's eyes glinted evilly.

"Ooh, really??" Wormtail asked excitedly. "What? What?"

"Well..."

*******
Lord Voldemort sat slumped in his cushy laz-e-boy, flipping through the latest MAD Magazine and trying to amuse himself by imagining how he would kick the other islanders off of Survivor and use his million US bucks to bribe the FBI to kill Harry Potter for him. A small smile began to tug at the edge of his thin lips. However, at that moment a quick procession of shuffling footsteps told him that his pathetic minion, Wormtail, was coming to grovel and whine at his feet again. Voldemort sighed and rolled his eyes, willing himself to remember that in this ever-so-critical time, he needed all the allies he could get-particularly whole, live, un-disemboweled ones. He sighed again.

"Oh, what is it now, Wormtail?" he drawled.

"Well, M-master, I just wanted to inform you that the Nagini has just given birth and so can spare no more milk for you, sir..."

"WHAT?!" Voldemort screamed, jumping to his feet. "But you know I need my beddy-bye bottle every night, Wormtail!!!" His face had turned a ponderous shade of purple and he hurled the nearest item at hand at poor Wormtail. "AARRRRGGHH!!!"

"Oooooowwww!!!!"

Everyone in the Gryffindor common room looked up as Harry Potter jumped five feet in the air, clutching his forehead.

"Harry!" Hermione cried.

"Are you all right?" Ron demanded, hoisting Harry back up into the chair he had just fallen out of.

"Oooh~!" Harry moaned. "My scar..."

Meanwhile, back at the Dark Side HQ, Voldemort had just realized what he had thrown at Wormtail was his incredibly expensive, collector's series, one-third scale porcelain Queen Amidala action figure. Or, at least it had been his incredibly expensive, collector's series, one-third scale porcelain Queen Amidala action figure, as it was now a lovely sprinkling of shattered ceramics on the floor.

"AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!"

"OOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!"

Harry had fallen over, twitiching like a dead bug again.

"Harry!"

"Are you all right?"

Malfoy was enjoying this immensely, able to view the events in both situations by some miraculous power bestowed him for the express purpose of this fanfiction.

"Don't stop now," he grinned. Suddenly materializing next to Lord Voldemort, he bowed and announced, "Lord Voldemort, I have come to inform you of some unfortunate events. The Ministry has ousted Cornelius Fudge, followed Dumbledore's instructions to form an alliance with the giants, burned all the Dementors, executed all your followers in Azkaban, and crowned Dumbledore King of the World."

"WHAT?!?"

"Yiiiiiiiiiiiii! Oooowww, OOOOOUCH!"

"Harry!"

"Are you-"

"OH SHUT UP!!!" Voldemort screamed. "You say the exact same thing EVERY time your stupid little friend says "ow!" And they can't crown that old man King of the World~! It can only be me or Leo Dicaprio~!!!!"

"And that's not all, sir," Malfoy continued, suppressing a chuckle. "They canceled the Facts of Life marathon on Thanksgiving..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Harry!"

"Are you all right?"

"OH SHUT UP!! What kind of stupid, pointless sidekicks ARE you?!"

"Why don't you?!"

"Wait! Don't make him mad again, I can't take it~!!"

"Don't you tell me whether I can get mad or not you little-!!"

"Waaaahhhh!!!"

"Harry!"

"Are you all right?"

"Master, your blood pressure!"

"Die! DIIIIIEEE!!!!!"

"Ooooooooooowww!!"

"Harry!"

"Are you all right?"

It was just another day in the life of Draco Malfoy. Except that... he was in an exceptionally wonderful mood. Standing outside, underneath an open window in which a plethora of angry voices were shouting at each other, Draco had the air of one enormously pleased with himself and the world in general. He raised a tiny, silver bell and rang it daintily.

"Thanks for the idea," he said, and strode off, whistling to himself.