The Art of Subtext

Inspired by Swedish Fish and Ramna 1/2.

Dedicated to Blaire for his explanation of "subtext."

THE ART OF "SUBTEXT"

By D.M.P.

Chapter 1

Sirius stumbled along the dirt road to Hogwarts. He was tired, hungry, and in desperate need of finding Dumbledore. Wooded forests grew on either side of this road, seeming to lead into nowhere. But Hogwarts was around here somewhere, wasn't it? Above, the sun was setting a hazy red on the horizon. A dry wind blew, and Sirius buttoned up his leather jacket.

"Must... find... Hogwarts..." he huffed.

Remus bounded ahead, gamboling down the drive. He turned his head to grin at Black with a dopey look on his face, and leaped off the road. Still dressed in gray robes, they dragged along the ground, giving him a shaggy look. Barking playfully, he scampered on all fours, acting like he was having the time of his life.

"Easy for you," Sirius grumbled to himself, "You're a wolf on Prozac."

Lupin barked as if in happy agreement.

Well, Remus wasn't actually a wolf at the moment; he as only hypnotized to act like one. Sirius blamed London; bad things always happened in London. But, noooooo, Remus just had to have an apartment there, didn't he? Who cares if the pound was cheaper than the Galleon these days! And that's what led them into this little situation at the moment....

To make a long story short (or perhaps a short story longer) they had stumbled upon an quirky Muggle cult, which resulted in Remus getting entranced into acting like a strangely friendly wolf every time he hears a bell ring. Thank the gods that they had gotten away, but now Lupin was stuck with little condition. And the only temporary cure to get him out of this mental shift was through a kiss, something Sirius learned the hard way.

After that incident, Sirius certainly did not want to repeat the experience, and so settled for putting up with Remus and his lupine attitude. As so as he headed to Hogwarts, Sirius pledged to himself, he'll have Dumbledore take care of this whole problem.

Off the road, Lupin sniffed at a low stubby bush. He circled it twice, with a keen interest in his eye.

"Remus, what are you..." Sirius started.

Remus then faced his opposite end to the bush and lifted his leg-

"NO REMUS!" Black pushed Lupin away from the bush and whirled his friend around to face him. Shaking a finger at him, Sirius said sternly, "Bad, Moony, bad, bad Moony. We don't take stops at bushes!"

Lupin whined and looked up at Sirius with large hazel eyes.

"I said no," Black repeated firmly. "Hold it until we get to Hogwarts!" He kneeled down to Remus' height and took out a choke chain he got at a London pet store. Fastening it around his neck, Sirius added, "This should stop you until we get there."

Getting up, he said, "C'mon now, Rem." When Lupin wouldn't budge, Black tugged on the leash, drawing him forward. "We're almost there!"

Remus gave longing look at the bush, seemed to moan grievously a bit, and followed Sirius.

* * * * *

By late evening, Sirius and Remus finally made it to Hogwarts.

"Hallelujah!" Black fell to his knees in front of the school and kissed the gravel drive. "We made it, Remus!" he cried. "Now we can get Dumbledore to fix that hypnotist trick!"

From behind him, Remus gave a satisfied sigh. Sirius turned his head. "Uh, Remus?"

Lupin was getting himself properly acquainted with the Hogwarts shrubbery.

"NO!" Black dived for the bushes and pulled on Lupin's collar. It didn't matter much; Lupin was done with his business anyway.

"I swear, you're really making an embarrassment of yourself," Black groaned, pulling Remus along by the chain.

Relieved, Remus only smiled and said, "Arf!"

"Sirius Black, I see you have made it to Hogwarts," a voice said. Black lifted his head to see Professor McGonagall descend the front steps to greet them.

"Hello Minerva," he said brightly. On the ground, Remus was sniffing his shoes with the same great interest he gave the bushes. "How are things?"

"Quite well, if I could call this calm before the storm well," Minerva said dryly. She glanced down and arched an eyebrow. "Is that Remus, um, investigating there?"

"Oh, he was just looking for a dropped contact lens," Sirius jerked the leash and pulled Remus up. "But that's okay; he's only myopic in his left eye now."

"Oh I see..." McGonagall started at the collar around Lupin's neck. Black unlatched the leash and hid the chain behind his back in one quick move.

"Well, uh, " he said, changing the subject rather briskly, "have you seen Dumbledore around anywhere? I'm in dire straits at the moment."

Lupin gave a startled yip. He wasn't used to standing on two legs and began to fall over. Black caught him just in time, and leaned him against his arm. "Just a bit tipsy," he said with a nervous chuckle. He made a pantomime of drinking. "One too many butterbeers at the Three Broomsticks, I'd wager."

"Oh." McGonagall blinked and pushed her glasses up her nose. "I have to tell you, Sirius, that I'm afraid the Headmaster isn't here at the moment. He left to recruit old allies to help out because of You-Know," she paused, "I mean, Voldemort's uprising."

Black tried to cover up his disappointment. Then, an idea came to mind. "Minerva," he asked sincerely, "Are you attracted at all to Remus here?"

McGonagall looked shocked. "And what do you mean by that, Sirius?" she replied in a higher tone than usual.

"Well, you know, Lupin is a handsome devil," Sirius said. Remus tipped forward again and Black wrapped an arm around his shoulder in support. "Why not give him a kiss?" he suggested, pushing the werewolf forward.

"My goodness!" Minerva recoiled and slapped Sirius across the face. "How uncouth of you! He's practically half my age!"

Sirius pulled Remus back before he fell on his face, wincing at the sting of the Professor's slap. "But you always did have a thing for him when we were in school," he protested. "One peck never hurt anyone."

Minerva fretted to herself, tucking a few stray hairs into her bun. "I always did have an attraction to younger men," she said wistfully, a dreamy look coming over her eyes. "Especially that Arthur Weasley. Remember him?"

Okay, Sirius did not want to hear that. "Then why not?" he replied. One kiss and I wouldn't have to put up with this mental shift no more! he thought.

Lupin barked and Black clapped a hand over his mouth.

"I think..." McGonagall started.

"You think...?" Sirius pressed hopefully, leaning in closer. Lupin kept looking from Black to McGonagall, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

"That you have a very sick mind!" Minerva slapped Sirius again. "Thinking I would take advantage of Remus like that when he's inebriated! Come," she ended coldly. "I'll show you to the faculty quarters."

Entering the Hogwarts school, McGonagall guided them through a series of long and twisting hallways and staircases. Lupin walked unsteadily and often tripped over his own two feet. Black had to support him by letting Lupin lean even closer against himself. McGonagall took worthy note of his moves on Lupin out of the corner of her eye.

"I have the bed chambers already aired out," she said, arriving at their destination. "I'll have a house elf bring in a hot water bottle if you want to warm the beds-"

"Um, is it all right if we share a room?" Sirius asked. Lupin pawed at his hair with a closed fist. Black pushed him back. "Since Remus is a bit out of it..."

"I noticed," Minerva said flatly. "I suppose you could.."

Opening the closest door to her left, she added, "The others who you contacted have already arrived. Arabella Figg and Mundungus Fletcher came here together yesterday and are currently asleep."

"That's good," Sirius said impatiently. Lupin was bashing against Sirius forcefully, trying to get him to let go. "I guess we'll just, um, meet them in the morning," he said hurriedly, pushing Remus through the bedroom door. "Good night!"

He then darted in, slamming the door behind him.

Wham!

McGonagall shook her head. "Something strange is going on between those two..." she muttered to herself, while taking her leave.

Inside the room, Sirius slumped against the door and wiped his brow. "Thank God that's over," he said.

Lupin immediately jumped upon the bed, rumpling the sheets. "Woof! Woof!" he cried out excitedly.

"Bad Remus! Get down!" Sirius pushed Lupin off the bed. "Sit. Stayyyyyy," he ordered. However, Remus wouldn't be still. Jumping off the bed, he began to frolic around the room on hands and knees, upsetting the furniture and even knocking down a lamp.

Crash!

"Arggh!" Black groaned. He conveniently discovered an outdated issue of the Daily Prophet on the dresser. Rolling up the newspaper, he then hit it against the bedpost with a satisfying Wap!

At the noise Remus froze, with a bedspread corner tucked in his mouth.

"Now, I want you to be a good boy and go to sleep," Sirius said tensely.

Lupin stared at him blankly, then continued ripping up the sheets.

Wap!

Sirius brought the newspaper down on the bedpost again. "And I mean it!" he snapped. He wasn't going to try and hit Remus, though. Sirius was only trying to put him in line. "You got it?" he said in a threatening voice. "Or do I have to really get mad?"

Remus tilted his head to the side. "Arr?"

* * * * *

In the room next door, Mundungus Fletcher woke up to loud shouts and barks.

"What in the world?" Fletcher grumbled, getting out of bed. "Where is that infernal racket coming from?"

The noises were coming from the other room.

"Bark! Bark!"

"Oh yeah... you asking for it?"

"Grrr..."

"Okay, bring it on!"

Wap!

"Sounds like a pair of dogs going at it," Mundungus said sleepily. He went over to the far wall closest to the source and pressed his ear against it. "Who's in there?" he wondered aloud.

What he heard was rather startling.

"No, Remus, I go on the bed..."

"Woof!"

A strained voice. "Let go...! You are such a bad wolf!"

"Arf! Rwof!"

"Why," Fletcher observed. "It sounds like two men in there... and why is one acting like a... a dog..?"

A low growl was heard from the other side, along with sounds of heavy breathing.

"Now, now, don't get vicious with me." A stern tone, yet panting.

Another bark and a accompanying Wap!

"Oh Remus! What would you like, me putting the leash on you again?"

Mundungus gasped. He knew of a Remus Lupin, a fellow fighter he worked with in the League Against Voldemort. And that other voice sounded awfully familiar.... Sirius Black?

Sirius was talking in a loud, fevered manner, like he was doing strenuous activity. "You want me to tie you to the bedpost or something??"

Mundungus couldn't believe this! What was happening? Tying Remus up? The crack of whips? Using leashes and collars!?

"Well, I'll be!" Fletcher gasped. "I never knew they were into-"

His thoughts were interrupted by a Wap! and a meek whine.

"Had enough?" Sirius could he heard saying. "Finally. Thought we'd be on top of each other all night."

The shuffle of bed sheets and the groan of bed springs.

"G'night, Moony," Sirius said tiredly. Then, the room went quiet.

Mundungus put a hand over his racing heart and exhaled deeply. "Wait'll Arabella hears about this!"

* * * * *

In the adjoining room, Sirius adjusted the blanket underneath him, trying to make his spot on the floor more comfortable. "Next time I get the bed," he muttered to Remus.

Lupin only snuggled up on the bed and gave a contented yawn.

"The things I do to keep you happy..." Sirius said angrily, before pulling the blanket over his head.

Chapter 2

The next morning Snape ambled through the faculty quarters on his way to the great hall for breakfast. Most of the other teachers left Hogwarts for the summer, but ever since Serverus got kicked out of his mother's basement three years ago, he had no other choice.

Passing by the bedchambers, he heard a loud ruckus and Sirius shouting, "Remus! Stop jumping me every morning! Can't you contain yourself?"

This could be interesting... Snape thought, ducking behind corner just before the door opened.

Sirius stepped out, his clothes wrinkled and his hair a mess. "You even shed like a wolf!" he complained, brushing the hair off. He turned his back to the corridor and addressed someone in the bedroom. "Stay. Lie down. Do something. Just don't mess up the room any more. Oh, and no attacking house elves!"

Then Snape saw Black's shoulders go up as Black raised his hands. "No, Remus. No, no-"

Black was knocked into the hallway, being bowled over by an extremely pleased-looking Lupin. Lupin nuzzled himself against him, giving a soft whine.

"You know, this perpetual doggy-friendliness is starting to disturb me." Sirius peeled Remus off of him and pushed Lupin back into the room. Remus, refusing to move, began barking loudly instead.

"Woof! Woof! Woof!"

"Quiet!" Sirius hushed. "We don't want the others hearing!"

"My, my..." Snape took this moment to present himself. "What a lovely couple," he sneered.

"Don't you start getting ideas!" Black growled. Lupin saw Snape and crouched down low, snarling as well.

"Really?" Snape said mildly, crossing his arms. "And what kind of ideas do you think might be formulating?"

"I can explain this!" Sirius protested. "Remus got hypnotized by some Muggle in London. He thinks he's a wolf, and I'm trying to have Dumbledore reverse the effects. Only he's not here."

"Uh-huh..." Snape said. Inside, he was laughing. This was just too perfect!

"I don't really want to cause any embarrassment for Remus... so could you keep it a secret?" Sirius cringed. It was futile. Snape was going to tell anyone and everyone in this castle, he was sure of it.

But Serverus' reaction surprised him. "Of course," Snape said gently. "I understand your situation perfectly."

"You do?" Black asked, in disbelief.

Snape nodded and patted Black on the back. "Sure. We're equals now, right? Working together side-by-side against Voldemort? You look out for me and I look out for you."

"Really?" Black said. "You mean it?"

"Very much so." Serverus was leading the two back to their room. "In fact," he added sincerely. "I'll have the house elves bring up breakfast for you, so you don't have to face the others in the Great Hall. Believe me, I won't tell a soul what you just told me."

This cheered Sirius up very much. "That's wonderful, Snape!" he said cheerfully. "I'm so glad we're finally on the same side with this."

"Exactly, my canine companion," Serverus agreed. "Now off you go." He swiftly closed the door on them. After an order to the nearest house elf to deliver the needed breakfast, Snape practically ran the rest of the way. This was going to be fun!

In the Great Hall, the other residents were already gathered there, a small group consisting Mundungus Fletcher, Arabella Figg, Professor McGonagall, Filch the groundskeeper and Mrs. Norris his cat.

"Morning Serverus!" Arabella greeted, sipping her cup of tea. "You seen Sirius or Remus yet? Haven't heard from them in ages!"

Snape took a seat at the table and was passed a cup of tea from McGonagall.

"Thank you, Minerva," he said, then turned to Arabella. "Seems like the two are a bit... preoccupied today." He gave a little smile and raised his eyebrows while saying this, as if hinting something more.

"Preoccupied? Whatever d'ya mean?" Arabella asked.

Snape slowly sipped his tea, as if struggling with what to say next. "Well, Sirius and Remus have been... shall we say... busy last night..."

"You can say that again!" Mundungus replied immediately.

"You know about it?" Snape inquired politely.

Fletcher turned a shade of red. "Well, it's not like me to gossip about..." he said, "but I just have to tell you I heard all kinds of... well, sounds, coming from that room." He shifted his gaze across the group. "If you know what I mean."

"What kind of sounds?" Arabella asked cluelessly.

Mundungus stirred his tea, not answering. "Really, it isn't my business what the two do together...."

Snape purposely made a loud gasp. "You mean you heard-?"

"Barks and hoots and all that sort," Fletcher contributed. "Like they were going at it. I even heard a whip."

"Not them!" Arabella said. "They seem so... so..."

"I know," Snape cut off. He was shaking his head, as if acknowledging some great loss. "But Sirius has been in Azkaban for how long? Who knows what characteristics people develop when they're in prison..."

McGonagall looked especially surprised. "No wonder!" she said. "The way the two behaved last night was certainly peculiar..."

"Mind if you clarify?" Snape asked.

"They were all over each other," McGonagall said in a secretive whisper. "Remus was drunk too, and Sirius offered him to me to take advantage of! Now think of that!" She gave a flick of her hand, as if topping off the statement.

Arabella put her hand to her mouth. "How scandalous!"

Filch was quiet, stroking Mrs. Norris in his lap. "Always known something was going on," he said, analyzing the subtext of the relationship between the two men. "For all the times I caught them sneakin' around the halls at night when they's were younger."

"Well, come to think about it," Mundungus said thoughtfully, "The two were awfully chummy when I knew them years ago..."

Serverus almost snorted as he sipped his tea. "I was in the same class as them..." he drawled, trying to stop his fit of laughter. "I don't like to spread rumors, but let me tell you this: for all the years they went to Hogwarts, once every month, the two would sneak off to the Shrieking Shack. No one really knew why either. A very hush-hush rendezvous."

"So that's where the shriekin' came from..." Filch commented in awe. "And for people to hear that from miles away..."

"Remus was always the cute one, besides that adorable Weasley," McGonagall sighed. "And I always thought he was unattached...."

The rest of the table gave Minerva an odd look. "What?" she snapped. "I can dream, can't I?"

Chapter 3

Sirius snored in a chair by the window, the newspaper draped over his eyes. He couldn't sleep on the uncomfortable floor, and so suffered to stay up all night, tossing and turning. Not to mention that Remus talked, er, barked in his sleep. Only now did he have a chance to get some rest.

Nudge, nudge.

Sirius groaned and turned in the chair, curling up onto one side. "Go away..." he muttered.

Nudge, nudge, nudge.

Black lifted the corner of the newspaper to see Lupin staring up at him. "What do ya want now?" he asked miserably. Remus trotted to the door and pawed at it, looking back at Sirius.

"You want to go outside?"

Remus nodded.

"Oh goody..."

Sirius slammed the newspaper back on the seat and wearily shuffled to the door. "You got to walk with me, Rem," he explained in a monotone voice. "Can't have people see you on all fours."

Lupin growled quizzically.

"Dear God, just- just let me," Sirius said pathetically, drawing Remus to his feet. "Hold on tight now," he droned and opened the door.

* * * * *

Mundungus and Minerva were in the library, having a private talk over certain plans to present to Dumbledore. They sat by the window facing the Forbidden Forest, talking in low voices while pointing to various places on a large, detailed map of the United Kingdom.

"Then we should move our attack-" McGonagall was saying, but Fletcher cut her off with a touch on the arm.

"Look at 'em, out and about for all the world to see," he said, pointing out the window.

Minerva rested her chin on her hands, elbows on the table. "They look sort of sweet, once you get used to the idea," she said, staring at the two arm in arm. "But I think Sirius was off when he tried pandering Remus to me. Although..." she said, "That would have been nice too, if I accepted. I always did have a thing for younger men..." She closed her eyes and sighed.

"Uh, Minerva?" Mundungus said nervously, tapping her on the arm.

"Hmmmmmmmm...." she said to herself luxuriously.

"Minerva?"

He poked her once more and she jumped from her seat. "Oh, where was I?" she said lively. She cleared her throat self-consciously. "Now, once we move the attack...."

* * * * *

"Do you think I should toilet-train you or something?" Sirius asked. "But who ever heard of toilet-training an animal? Well, people have toilet-trained thirty-seven year-old men..." He continued to blabber aimlessly with his sleep-deprived mind.

Remus was crawling along the grass, trying to find the perfect spot, not paying an ounce of attention. He was wearing the collar, with Sirius holding onto the leash.

"Just don't do it in front of me," Black went on. "That'll be the kicker." He yawned. "I'm just... I'm just plum burned out, taking care of ya." He settled himself down on the grass. "Maybe just a little nap... Wake me up when you're ready, Moony..."

"Arf?" Remus lifted his head.

"Zzzzzzzzz......"

Lupin blinked, then when back with his investigation.

* * * * *

At the edge of the forest, Arabella Figg was taking an afternoon stroll. She was a nature person at heart.

"Ah, the beautiful blue sky, the cool summer breeze..." she twittered to herself. "The chirp of song birds, the warmth of the sunshine..."

Nearby, some bushes rustled and someone's head popped up at her.

"The men hiding in the bushes..." she said, then stopped. However, she soon recovered when she saw who it was. "Remus!" she said. "What are you doing out here?"

Lupin smiled at her with his tongue hanging out. She saw the collar that was hanging around his neck, but ignored it politely.

"Oh, and I'm so glad to see you again too!" Arabella said. "Yet how sad it has to be during a crisis like this..."

"Rowf!" he replied.

" 'Rowf?' " Arabella repeated blankly.

Remus ducked back under and disappeared.

"What are you doing?" Arabella asked, coming toward the bushes. "Are you trying to show me something...?"

Parting the bushes, she saw Sirius lying spread-eagle on the ground, sleeping.

"Why are you two doing out here now?" she asked again, confused.

Remus grinned again, a line of drool coming down the corner of his mouth. He lay down on his hands and feet next to Sirius and barked.

"Don't tell me!" Arabella put a hand to her mouth. "That you two were in the bushes now!"

Remus blinked and then bounded forward, grabbing Arabella's sleeve with his teeth. He growled playfully while hopping about on hands and knees.

"Sorry, Rem, but I don't do that sort of thing!" Arabella stepped back, embarrassed. "I'll just... uh... leave the two of you to do your business," she stuttered. "See you at dinner!" Then she took off, muttering to herself, "How scandalous!"

Chapter 4

The dinner table was a-buzz with conversation that night. The topic was a very interesting one at that too.

"In the bushes! And I swear, Remus was drunk again, and so was Sirius!" Arabella was saying. "Plus, they wanted me to join in too!"

"I wish they asked me that..." McGonagall sighed.

"Come again?" Mundungus said.

Minerva covered up, "Oh nothing."

"Well, I'll say that those two have an active lifestyle," Filch commented, "Go at it day and night, eh? Rowdy as cats." Mrs. Norris meowed, as if in agreement.

Snape had his head bowed, his shoulders shaking with restrained laughter. "Got to attribute it to a man's libido," he managed to spurt out.

"Amen to that!" Mundungus said, lifting his glass.

Sirius arrived at the table late. Plunking down in a seat, he grabbed a plate and began filling it up. "Hello, everyone," he said.

He looked up to see five pairs of eyes on him. "Why are you all looking at me like that..?" he said slowly.

"Well, you know, we haven't seen you at breakfast," Minerva answered quickly. "And you look a mess too."

Black gave a tired chuckle. "Yeah, I guess so," he admitted, running a hand through his untidy hair. His clothes were rumpled and still had grass stains on them. He had woken up from his nap a few hours earlier, and spent all his time trying to track down Remus. He found him hunting rabbits in the forest. Currently, Lupin was up in their room, taking a nap of his own.

"Well, you had been having a wild time today," Mundungus said slyly, exchanging a glance with the rest of the group.

"Very true." Sirius put a slab of steak on his plate. "Spent all day outside," he explained. "Being outdoors improves your appetite."

"Double meaning to that one," Filch snickered, and McGonagall jabbed him in the side.

"Be discreet," she hissed.

Black was too busy eating to notice.

"Where's Remus?" Snape asked, folding his hands on the table.

"Asleep," Black replied. "He's exhausted."

"I could believe that," Mundungus said, looking over at Arabella. She gave a quick nod of her head and giggled.

"Well, Minerva, tell me, when's Dumbledore coming back?" Sirius questioned.

"Not until next week," McGonagall replied. "He's up in Scotland now, talking to some friendly lake monsters."

"Nessy?"

"Her cousins."

"Ah."

The table grew into an awkward silence. Black lifted his head at them again. "Why's it all so quiet here?"

Then, Snape couldn't hold it in any longer. He gave a stifled gagging sound, then exploded in laughter.

"Serverus!" Arabella hit him across the shoulder. "How rude of you!"

Snape was slapping his knees, doubled over in glee. Tears started to run down his face. "I can't believe it!" he choked out. "You sick minded people!"

Sirius didn't get it. "Rude about what?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Arabella apologized quickly, while Snape continued chortling to himself, rolling on the floor. "I suppose he just thinks it's funny about you and Remus."

"You mean he told you??" Sirius cried.

"We all basically figured it out for ourselves," Minerva said apologetically. "It was pretty obvious what was going on."

Black was dumbfounded. "It was?"

"Don't worry," Fletcher put in. "We're a very liberal-minded folk here. We won't think ill of you two for it."

"As long as you're happy," Filch said. "Think nothing of other's opinions."

Sirius felt relieved and slightly confused with the others' response. "Well," he admitted, "I have been trying to get Dumbledore to help us..."

"Oh, I don't think it's something you need help for," Arabella said. "It's part of who you are."

"But I really don't think Remus-" Sirius began.

"No, no," McGonagall said. "I'm sure he'll be relieved to know that we accept him."

A loud slam was heard from the other side of the castle. Sirius dropped his fork. "Oh crap!" he said. "I must have left the door ajar!"

The rest of the diners peered down the hall to see Remus rushing down toward the Great Hall at breakneck speed. He jumped down the stairs and skidded to a halt in front of the table.

"What?" Sirius said sarcastically, "Miss me so soon?"

Remus barked and jumped into Sirius' lap. The leash was still swinging from his neck.

"The love practically seeps through!" Arabella commented, clasping her hands together. "How sweet!"

"Love??" Black cried out incredulously. Lupin slobbered all over his face with a hefty lick.

McGonagall had her eyes fixated on the two and was breathing heavily. "Now this is a pretty picture," she said.

"What?!?" Sirius exclaimed. He suddenly realized the reason for their odd behavior. "It's not like that!" he said. "We are not in love with each other!"

"Oh, don't deny it now," Snape said in his most simpering voice. "You two were meant to be."

"Snape, why I ought to-" Black shouted. He tried getting up from his seat to strangle the Potions Master, but Remus' weight held him down.

"Oh, but you told me not to tell and I didn't!" Serverus jumped from his seat and started running down the hall, cackling at the top of his lungs.

Sirius faced the rest of the group. "I can explain," he said.

"But you already did," Arabella said, wrinkling her forehead.

"No! Oh... just let me show you!" Sirius sighed and said to Remus, "Please forgive me for this," then gave a Lupin a hard kiss.

A simultaneous gasp echoed throughout the Great Hall.

McGonagall clapped her hands together. "Oh, we get a show!"

"It's not that!" Sirius said, letting go of a dazed Remus.

Lupin shook his head and his eyes traveled around the room. "Why are we at Hogwarts?" he asked unsteadily. "And why am I sitting in your lap?"

"Well, Remus, don't you remember in London-" Sirius explained.

"You mean you don't remember anything?" Arabella interrupted.

Lupin got up to his feet. "Not a thing," he said. "Last I can recall was Sirius and I in a London alleyway. I heard a bell, I think, and then...nothing..."

Filch glanced at the both of them. "But you- And he- Weren't you always-"

"Always what?" Lupin said.

"Going at it!" Mundungus exclaimed. "In the bedroom and in the forest..."

Remus' jaw dropped. "Me and Sirius??" he cried.

"You mean you don't remember any of it?" McGonagall asked. "But you just went into Sirius' lap like you were..."

"Don't tell me Sirius put one of those voodoo love spells on ya!" Arabella instantly assumed, turning on Black. "And took advantage of you! Probably triggered it through a bell, like those African witch doctor techniques!"

"You took advantage of me??" Remus said in an even louder voice.

"No I didn't!" Sirius yelled, pulling at his hair with both hands. "I'm telling you-"

"Now it all really becomes clear!" McGonagall reasoned. "He has been pulling you along like some cheap call girl, Remus, ever since you two came..." she said. "He tried to pander you to me at Hogwarts' very doorstep!"

Lupin was absolutely flustered. "You tried to pimp me out to McGonagall???" he yelled at Black.

"Big pimping," Arabella agreed wholeheartedly. "In the forest too, you made a pass at me. But I knew you weren't acting like yourself. Sirius probably made you do it."

"Sirius!" Remus said, aghast. "I can't believe you!"

"Argh!!" was the only response he got.

Remus immediately turned heel and stormed away.

"Wait!!!" Sirius recovered, running after him. "Can't we talk???"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Filch said sadly. "What those people learn in Azkaban..."

* * * * *

Sirius came to the bedroom to find the door closed and locked. He pounded on it with a fist. "Remus, open up!" he called. "I want to try a nice, sane discussion about this."

"Well, I'm not speaking to you!" came back a muffled reply through the door.

"Look, I'm sorry things turned out the way they did," Sirius said sorrowfully. "You don't know how much I regret this whole escapade! The whole thing started out as some horrible accident, and then it simply snowballed into something worse and worse! I couldn't help it!"

A moment of silence was heard.

"You mean it?" came Lupin's voice, very quietly.

"Yes, I do!" Sirius said strongly. "I wish I could take it all back!"

A subtle click was heard as the door unlocked. Black stepped in, saying, "I know there's simply not any way I can make up for this-"

Remus was standing by the bed, swinging the end of his leash in one hand. He jaunted up to Sirius and pulled him closer.

"You know, Snuffles-honey," he said throatily, "you didn't have to put me under a spell to get what you wanted."

Black paled. "What?"

Remus only pushed him onto the bed. "Why don't you try on the collar this time?" he said, kicking the door shut behind him.

What happened next? Well, just take it from the subtext.

End