Addicted to You

Addicted to You

A Harry/Tonks Story

By Crazy Writer Girl

Chapter Six: Just a Little Unwell

Hold on

Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown

And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be, me

Matchbox 20 -Unwell

One week had passed since The day he had shared the full details of the prophecy with Tonks he had spent a lot of time crying, just generally grieving and trying to accept everything that had happened as well as his destiny.

In some ways Harry was disappointed that he had just finished his OWLs and as the results hadn't come didn't know which subjects he would be taking on to NEWT level - meaning that for the first time since he had started at Hogwarts he had no summer homework. Which although considered by most of the students other than Hermione Granger to be a very good thing, for Harry it was a bad thing as it left him plenty of time to be alone with his thought. Because thinking invariably left him in a worse mood than he had been in to start with. He would start off, thinking of nothing in particularly but then he would think, or do something - or someone else would do or say something which would make him think of Sirius or one of the other people he had let down and caused the death of. And then he would get depressed again. So anything which meant he didn't have to think was a good thing.

The only problem was there wasn't a lot he could do where he didn't have to think... sleep had been a welcome oblivion on the few nights after his trip to the hospital when he had been allowed a goblet of dreamless sleep draught, to help him sleep he could just loose himself in it and wake up to find that he had survived another few hours, a few hours without feeling hurt or hurting anyone else. The nights he hadn't been allowed the draught, even the respite sleep brought had been denied him. He had been plagued by nightmares and visions and if it hadn't of been for the silencing charms he had religiously had Dobby the new house elf of the Order of the Phoenix set around his room and then the extra ones he had asked Dobby to set around his bed he was sure he would have woken Tonks as well and then neither of them would have gotten a good nights sleep.

Unfortunately he didn't realise that after his nightmare previously, Tonks had ordered Dobby to put up silencing charms if he asked him to but then to tell her that he had asked for them. The house elf was also charged with surreptiously monitoring the charms around him whilst he slept and waking Tonks immediately if there was any indication that she might be needed - nightmare, vision, restless nights sleep, insomnia whatever. She also made sure to tell Dobby to not tell Harry that he was doing this for her - unless either she told him to or Harry directly asked if she knew about the charms.

for Harry it was the hardest time he had ever had - but even though he knew that Bill and Tonks knew that (and so did everyone else who had seen what had happened to him at the Dursley's hands he suspected), he found that he just couldn't bring himself to admit that to them. What he didn't realise, however, was that that was a classic sign of depression.

Ron and Hermione and so many others had shown him friendship but most of them still saw him as the famous saviour of the wizarding world. Even Ron, his best friend, was sometimes jealous of Harry having everything that he wanted and missed the fact that Harry's biggest dream was to feel unconditional love like that of a parent or a sibling. For Harry did not even believe himself to be worthy of love.

He almost would have said that Sirius saw the real Harry and really cared about him other than the fake persona that everyone else in the wizarding world seemed to think that he had just because of his stupid scar. But then there were the numerous occasions when his godfather would make a reference to Harry's father and just how much alike the two of them were. And that would make the confused teen withdraw a bit and wonder whether Sirius really wanted to be friends with him and care for him or whether he wanted to be with someone who was the closest link to his long dead best friend - Harry's father.

Growing up with the Dursley's he had been treated as a nuisance; they had never shown him even the slightest bit of affection. He had wished all his life for someone to come and take him away from that hellhole, and on his eleventh birthday, his fairy godmother had turned up in the form of a big friendly giant called Hagrid and taken him to Hogwarts. Since then, he had only had to return to his relatives for the summer holidays and life had been a little bit more bearable. But then with the rebirth of that supposed Lord "Voldemort" the events of the last several years he had been at Hogwarts had made his whole life bordering on unbearable again.

He had never thought that anyone could love him, being repeatedly told he was a burden that no one wanted during his childhood had left him with issues of self esteem and trust. All of a sudden in the last few days though, Tonks had opened up to him and something in him had given way and he had found himself able to open up to her in return. He had felt able to tell her things and share parts of himself with her that he had never been able to admit to anyone else before - even if they acted like they cared he had always been too ashamed to admit that he wasn't who they thought he was - he too was human with all too human feelings and flaws.

Tonks made him feel as if things he had never before considered were in fact possible and that maybe there was light at the end of the proverbial tunnel after all. For the first time since that terrible awful day when in the space of an hour Harry had witnessed the death of his godfather and then learnt of the existence of the prophecy which meant he would never be allowed to live a proper life free of fear for as long as Voldemort was alive, he actually felt some degree of contentment with his lot in life. Yes his life had changed beyond all recognition that dark day in June and would never be the same again - but with the unerring friendship and support provided by Tonks day in day out no matter the time had helped him to have a small shred hope for his situation once more.

There still were times when he felt a great despair slash lethargy wash over him complete with the urge to find a knife and start cutting again in an attempt to cut out all of the hurt along with the chunks of his skin which would fall victim to his blade. But now he knew that all he had to do was go to Tonks and she would find some way to help him through it without his having to resort to the cutting that had kept him going through the hard weeks before she had discovered his secret.

Sometimes she would insist that he talk to her and provided him with a listening in to get whatever was eating away at him off of his chest. She never even seemed to mind when the problem was something that they had been over time and time again like the fact that Sirius was dead but that Harry could not seem to grasp the one simple fact that he was not to blame for that. Other times she would make no mention of the fact that his depression was back in full force and simply would find some way to distract him and even to make him laugh whenever possible.

He knew now that he wasn't crazy and he wasn't a freak - he was just a little unwell. And thanks to Tonks he knew that that was a perfectly normal response and one he was allowed to have. He knew that no matter what he did or what he said to her she would never turn her back on him - because to her he was Harry, just Harry.

But still there was one thing which Harry had not felt able to share with the pretty metamorphmagus he was currently living with. And deep down he didn't know whether he would ever be able to tell her.

Slowly but surely he was falling more and more in love with the woman who had saved his life simply by being there to listen.

*****