Addicted to You

Addicted to You

A Harry/Tonks Story

By Crazy Writer Girl

Chapter Four: Everybody Hurts

Sometimes everything is wrong,

Now it's time to sing along

When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)

If you feel like letting go (hold on)

If you think you've had too much of this life

Well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts

Take comfort in your friends

Everybody hurts

Don't throw your hand, oh no

Don't throw your hand

If you feel like you're alone

no, no, no, you're not alone

REM - Everybody Hurts

"You want to cut Harry? You want to hurt yourself? You aren't the only one, I used to like to do that too when I was your age. I've still got the scars now."

Pulling her shirt off up over head she stood there in nothing but a baby blue bit of lace which was supposed to be a bra but which showed more of her medium sized breasts than it left to the imagination. As she did that, she screwed her face up in concentration and allowed her appearance to revert to her base form - the one that she avoided if possible other than if she were sleeping.

As she stood there with her shoulder length blonde ringlets framing her face with its slightly crooked nose and bewitching blue eyes Harry didn't' know where to look and how to react. It was the first time he had ever seen a half naked woman let alone

Been that close to one.

His poor brain didn't know where to send the blood in his body when confronted by that sight. The majority of it went straight to his cock giving him the erection to end all erections but then another sizeable amount of blood went straight to his face and caused him to blush so red it almost rivalled the colour of his best friend Ron's hair.

When he realised exactly why his jeans had become quite so uncomfortably tight Harry became even more embarrassed then he already was to be confronted by a half naked metamorphmagus. He ducked his head down and looked at the floor so that he wouldn't have to meet her eyes. He tried to hide exactly how he had reacted to her body by hiding the offending body part behind his hands. The problem was he was so well endowed and was standing completely to attention and that was something that his hands just weren't going to be able to hide no matter how much he tried.

Sweet Merlin, thought Tonks, that's impressive. She was actually flattered that she had been able to get such a reaction from him whilst she was in her natural form. She had been dating since she was 12 years old and in her first year at Hogwarts. Her unusual abilities as a metamorphmagus meant that the majority of the straight guys at Hogwarts as well as a large proportion of the bi and lesbian girls were out to catch her attention and to date her.

Only it wasn't really her they had been interested in, it was the fact that she could appear however, she wanted; or she could fulfil any boyfriend's wildest fantasy and be whoever they wanted her to be. Bigger breasts, longer hair, a smaller bum, thinner, fatter. She had done it all for different boyfriends convinced each time that this one was the real deal, this was the one person who actually loved her and wanted to know the real Nymphadora Tonks and would be proud to say that she was his girlfriend.

Sure enough most of her boyfriends had actually been extremely proud to be able to boost to their friends, family and even mere acquaintances that they had scored with the metamorphmagus and that they had the girlfriend with whom they could go on a date with a different girl every night, snog whomever they wanted. There had never been any person who had been with her or had even shown an interest in her who had wanted to get to know the real Tonks and to scream from the rooftops that she was his girlfriend.

So the fact that she was stood there with very little in the way of clothes on above the waist with the exact body that nature had intended to have with no improvements made with her powers whatsoever and could get that genuine a reaction from one of the most eligible young bachelors in the wizarding world who also happened to be a guy who she really liked and counted as a true friend meant a lot to Tonks.

However, she didn't let that show to the boy in front of her though, no matter how much she wanted to drop to her knees, unbuckle his belt, unzip his jeans and take his straining erection in her mouth. She really wanted to taste him, to bring him pleasure something that had been extremely lacking in his life so far. Nevertheless, she knew that she needed to continue with her plan and show Harry the scars and burn marks and the other remaining proof of her previous love affair with deliberate self-harm. She needed to try to get him to see sense and realise that there were better ways to cope than that. Because if she didn't she was all to afraid that he would continue down the path of self destruction he was on at the moment an would eventually end up killing himself either deliberately by committing suicide or accidentally through some tragic accident when either drunk or high or both.

"Harry, Harry look at me."

Slowly, grudgingly he looked up at her, trying as hard as he could not to look at her breasts. However, he was a fifteen-year-old boy and they were calling out to him. It was like trying to eat a jam doughnut but not lick the sugar off your lips as

you were doing it, it was impossible.

"I used to cut, Harry, I told you that. I thought I'd show you all about it. You see, all these scars, all these marks they tell the story of my teenage years and the way in which I coped with them, the only way I knew how."

He looked as if he wanted to say something at that point in time but she cut him off before he could get started. She needed to continue this and make him understand exactly what the consequences of his behaviour could be.

And she needed to do it now before she lost her nerve. She might seem like a completely fearless Auror but she wasn't, not when it came to personal matters like this was. It was private and it would be hard for her to share it but she knew that Harry needed t hear it and so she would tell her story.

She didn't think trying to talk him out of it would work; he was too stubborn to listen to reason. Therefore, she was pinning her hopes on the possibility that by employing a substantial amount of reverse psychology she may just be able to get him to understand just what could happen if he kept going along the slippery slope that he was currently on.

"But the thing is, Harry, it wasn't a good way to cope. You look at my body, you must be able to tell how much of a permanent effect my cutting has had on me, and you must be able to see that now I have scars that will never go away - a reminder of a hard time in my life which will never go away. I won't ever be able to put my tough times behind me because every time I get undressed or take a shower I see them and I remember how things used to be, the weak person I used to be. Every time I get naked with someone new, I have to explain what the scars are from. And either I have to lie to them and run the risk they that will eventually find out that a huge part of our relationship is based on a lie or I have to be upfront with them and tell them the truth straight away. No one understands a cutter like another cutter, Harry, I can tell you that straight away. If you have to sit in front of someone who has never felt so bad that they only way they can cope is to cut that that is what you do or even what you used to do it is not a pleasant experience in anyway."

Harry was very shocked by all the evidence of her previous habit of self-harming that was all too obvious as she stood there in just her bra and skintight leather trousers.

Feint lines criss-crossed up and down both of her arms. It was obvious however, that she was right handed because the majority of the scars were on her left wrist. On her stomach, she had several of what appeared to be burn marks, which surprised Harry because he had seen Madam Pomfrey use a bright orange paste to heal larger burns than these appeared to be from without leaving any trace of the fact that it had ever happened. There was even a scar that ran the entire width of her throat; it looked as though she had tried to kill herself by slicing open

her jugular vein.

In fact, describing Harry's feelings after seeing just what she had done to herself as shocked isn't quite doing them justice. He was absolutely sickened and horrified that she could have ever felt so bad about herself that she would have attempted to do such a thing to herself.

"It's not a pretty sight, is it Harry?" She questioned him in an oddly defiant tone of voice. "But you want to do this to yourself and I know that at this current moment in time it is helping you to feel better about yourself and so I thought I'd teach you everything I know about the sacred art of deliberately hurting yourself. Because if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad, can it? And if there is one thing that I want more than anything now it is to make you happy. You deserve that more than anyone I know. So if drinking yourself into a stupor and then taking a knife and cutting up is what does it for you, I'm not going to try to stop you. You're more than old enough to know what you want - and what's good for you. I just want to know one thing though, Harry, if it makes you happy then why the hell are you so sad?"

He didn't know what to say to that question but luckily she saved him from answering by gesturing for him to stay silent and shaking her head to indicate that it had been rhetorical.

"You see this mark here? And this one?" She asked indicating the angry red marks on her torso which Harry had felt sure had come from burns.

He gulped and nodded slowly, unsure where she was going with this, and even unsure if he liked it.

"Cutting wasn't doing it for me that day. My boyfriend had just split up with me because I had refused to morph so that I looked like this really pretty Ravenclaw girl with huge tits he really fancied and have sex with him. I was thirteen years old and still a virgin. Thirteen, Harry. I was still learning exactly how to morph at that point in time and it had been extremely painful for me to learn. It was also a rule for me that whilst I was at Hogwarts that I remained in my natural form the entire time unless I was in a lesson with Professor McGonagall or Professor Dumbledore learning how to use my skills or I had special permission for some reason. I'm not the best person at keeping to the rules - unless they make sense to me, I believe that they are made to be broken. However, when I was in my first year I was in excruciating pain every time I tried to change even the smallest feature and so that was the one school rule that I didn't have any inclination whatsoever to break. I'd begun to realise that most people I had met since I'd discovered I was a metamorphmagus and gone to Hogwarts hadn't wanted to get to know who I really was. All they had wanted to know was abut my talent. But Sean... Sean was something else. I had thought he was something special and the exception to the rule. He'd certainly put on a good enough show of pretending to care and to what to know the real Tonks. He was even one of the first people to completely accept that I hated that my first name is Nymphadora and to just call me Tonks with no questions asked. But then all of a sudden he was demanding things I wasn't ready for and telling me that my saying would have sex with him but only as I was wasn't good enough and so if I wouldn't do it I wasn't any use to him and I could consider myself dumped."

Harry could believe that people could be so shallow and judge a person based just one small fact about them without really knowing them. It had happened to him so many times since discovering about the magical world what with that damn scar on his forehead and being the boy who lived - the only person to have ever survived the killing curse. However, what really shocked him about all of this was the fact that Tonks was the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on, even more so in her base form and yet her ex-boyfriend had had the audacity to dump her because she wouldn't have sex with him whilst pretending to be someone else.

Sure enough, sex with a metamorphmagus was every teenage guy's greatest fantasy - who wouldn't be tempted by the idea that they could have sex with any woman they desired whilst still being with their girlfriend? He'd certainly had more than a few wet dreams about being with Tonks in various different forms since he had met her a little over a year ago. That was before he had seen her as she was at that moment - in the body nature had intended for her to have. He knew that he would be dreaming about her the next time he slept and it wouldn't be of her with pink hair and purple eyes. Instead, his next dream would feature those gorgeous long blonde ringlets and sparkling blue eyes that captivated him and drew him in like a well.

Suddenly he realised that she was still speaking and stopped fantasising about her beautiful body and everything he would like to do with her and listened to what she was saying - even though the subject matter was very painful for him.

"So after that lovely conversation with dear old Sean, I went back to Gryffindor Tower and ran hell for leather up to my dorm in floods of tears. I got my potions knife out and I started slashing at myself without even bothering to strip first like I normally did I just cut through my clothes. But those cuts weren't enough for me, I was still hunting, and the pain was worse then anything else I'd ever felt on an emotional level before." Her eyes filled with tears and she stopped speaking for a minute to compose herself.

Harry had heard enough, he didn't want her to continue if was hurting her. "It's alright, Tonks, you don't have to tell me this if it's hard for you, I'll understand."

She shook her head and smiled sadly at him, "Thanks, Harry I know you mean well, but this is something I need to tell you no matter how much it hurts me to do so. You need to appreciate just what exactly it is you're doing to yourself, what you are risking every time you take that knife and try to exorcise your pain."

Slowly he nodded back at the woman who stood opposite him with such a serious look in her eyes. He wasn't sure he really did want to hear this. Hell he wasn't even sure quite why he had thought that the answer to all of his problems lay in cutting anymore. However, he also realised that no matter how much this conversation hurt her, even if hearing it hurt him she wouldn't back down from this for she was now taking it as some sort of personal challenge. Nor would the normally self-assured young Auror allow him to chicken out of hearing this story... even if he were to turn tail and run out of the room she would simply run after him and pursue him until she caught him then force him to submit and listen to her tale of woe. He could tell that from the determined glint he could see in her normally cheerful blue eyes.

"Ok... so where was I? Oh, yes. I got my potions knife out and I started slashing at myself without even bothering to strip first. You see I used to be the lazy person ever and I hadn't yet got around to cleaning my knife after using it to make the draught of the living death in class earlier that week. When some of the ingredients are left for a long period whilst exposed to oxygen, they form a contact poison. And there were enough residues of exactly the right ingredients that I got a slight dose of poison into every single mark I made that day. I didn't know that at the time though. I did realise that something was different because I could feel a kind of tingling, burning sensation immediately after I moved the blade away each time. But I didn't realise I was poisoning myself when I did that though... all I thought when I felt that burning sensation was that it had given me a great idea - why didn't I get my wand and cast "incendio", really burn myself because that was the one way I could take away my pain. So I did."

Harry felt physically sick standing there hearing what she was telling him but she wasn't done with her story yet.

"I don't really remember what happened next all too clearly. I remember that it hurt just as I wanted it too - it hurt like hell. I had never felt pain like that before in my entire life and you have to remember at that time I was something of a masochist I really enjoyed the pain, it was the way I got through the day and dealt with whatever obstacles the gods saw fit to throw at me. It was more pain then I could deal with. As soon as my flaming wand hit that first cut my entire torso went up in flames for as well as accidentally poisoning myself I'd also managed to cover myself in a compound that was highly flammable. I vaguely remember screaming myself hoarse and then the next thing I can recall clearly was waking up in the hospital wing with my parents at my bedside. My mother crying and screaming, absolutely hysterical telling me I'd nearly died more than once in the five days I'd been unconscious and asking me again and again and again "why Nymphadora, Why? Why did you do this? How could you think of doing something so stupid? How could you do this to me and your father?" I was so ashamed..." here she trailed off into silence once more

After letting him digest what she had said for perhaps one long minute she moved her hand to indicate the long silver gash that ran straight across her entire throat.

"Two days later my parents went home after agreeing with me that we would put the incident behind us and other than the scars which would not be able to be fully removed ever we would forget it had ever happened. The only flaw with that plan though was that I couldn't forget, I was too embarrassed, too ashamed. So after I was released from the hospital wing, I promised Madam Pomfrey, and Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore that if I ever felt that bad in the future I would go to them I went back to the Tower. I spoke to my supposed friends for a few minutes and then I took one final look around my supposed home away from home and ran up to my dorm. Once again I took my wand out. This time I cast a severing charm and ran it along the entire length of my throat, intending to garrotte myself. Less then five seconds after I cast the spell three house elves popped into the room, disarmed me of my wand and apparated me to the hospital wing."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be sorry Harry, there's no reason for you to pity me because of what I went through. In a way, I'm glad that it happened. I wish maybe that it hadn't been so painful that it hadn't been quite so bad. I'm so thankful everyday that I realised what I was doing was wrong and got help in time to stop before I did any more permanent damage to myself. But if I had a time turner and had the opportunity to wipe out my cutting, even those two horrible days I just told you about with my suicide attempts, I wouldn't do it. Because if I hadn't of experienced all of that I wouldn't be who I am now. I would still be Nymphadora Tonks, but I wouldn't be the woman you know who is stood here in front of you now. I don't even hate Sean... after all he put me through, you'd think I'd despise him, any normal person would. However, in a way I almost want to thank him because that horrible painful life-changing lesson made me so much stronger... taught me things that I needed to know. And I wouldn't want rid of that for all of the gold in Gringotts. I would never wish the things I've had to go through onto anyone else, but for me in some sort of strange and perverse way, I'm glad they happened.

"Really?" he questioned, once again shocked both at how open his minder was being and also by exactly what she was telling, he would never have thought it possible to be glad that you had been a cutter.

"Really." She replied, nodding her head in affirmation. "I didn't think that at the time when I ended up missing a whole term at Hogwarts and in therapy for months and taking anti-depressant potions. When my parents were too scared to leave me alone for longer than five minutes for the fear I would try something like that again and I didn't know if I would ever get to go back to school. All I wanted was that time turner and to go back and change things some how so I had never reached breaking point like I did..." slowly she trailed off and stopped speaking for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and continuing once more. "But then my therapist suggested to me that wondering about what I should've done and what I could've done was pointless, what I should do in the future, what I could do in the future and what I would do in the future was what was much more important."

Harry nodded slowly, seemingly lost deep in his thoughts. "Yeah... I, um, I guess that make's a lot of sense."

"So if you want to hurt yourself, I'd recommend the burning route... it really works well but I can't be held responsible for any side effects that you may occur as a result, I'm afraid." As she made this suggestion, she mentally crossed her fingers and prayed to whatever gods there maybe that she was right and that this reverse psychology would be the thing to discourage and make him realise exactly what he was doing to himself and those who cared about him.

"Tonks?" he sounded like he wanted to ask her something or maybe even tell her something or perhaps both but like he wasn't sure how to go about doing it.

"Yes Harry?" she gestured for him to continue but he seemed reticent to do so. "Whatever it is you, want to tell me, whatever it is you want to do... I'm behind you 100% Harry, you don't have to worry about talking to me alright?"

"Really?" he sounded so unsure that as she stood there listening to him she once more mentally cursed the damned Dursley's for their treatment of him and its lasting effects on him both physically and psychologically.

"Yes, Harry, really... I wish I could make you believe that, I really do. You don't have to worry about me judging you, you've seen my scars, you've heard my stories, and you can rest assured that I would never do that. Whatever you want to tell me you can bet I've probably done something one hundred times worse."

"I don't want any more scars, Tonks, this damned one of my forehead is more than enough to be going on with... it's ruled my entire life and I don't want to give any more scars the power to do that..." he trailed off, unsure how she would react to this revelation. "I don't think I want to cut any more."

Inwardly she was very pleased to hear her young charge say this but she didn't want to overreact or else he might feel an inordinate amount of pressure to succeed at breaking a habit that she knew from her own person experience was as bad as any illegal addiction of any kind. So she went for the softly, softly approach.

"I'm pleased Harry."

Looking nervous once more he added "I just don't know if I can do it though, Tonks, I don't think I know how to."

"Well you've certainly made the first step Harry. Admitting you have a problem and that you want to do something about it is a big step in the right direction. Something that can take many people several months to actually do. Realising that you need help to do so is another big step."

"Really?" for some reason he seemed very surprised to hear her saying that admitting to needing some help was a good thing - another result of eleven plus years of mistreatment and abuse at the hands of the Dursley's she suspected.

"Yes, Harry. And you do know that I'll be there to help you as much as you need me to if you want me too, don't you?" she half questioned, half reminded him. "If you'd rather see if a therapist would be better able to help you then I'll understand, but I want to do everything I can to help you if you'll let me."

"I... I know here" indicating his head "that you mean that, Tonks, I really do." But I just wish that I could know that here too" holding his hand over his heart to show what he meant "and really believe that."

Tonks was disappointed to hear him say that even though rationally she knew why that was the case and that at least his being able to admit that he did know she meant what he was saying was a step in the right direction. It was also slightly more than she could realistically have been able to expect from him given his unique upbringing. She tried not to let her disappointment show though because she didn't want to cause the tormented teen any further pain. Her attempt at concealing her feelings from him was not completely successful however. She did manage to suppress most of it but there was a brief flash of hurt in her eyes. It lasted less than one whole second, and luckily for her if Harry noticed it he made not mention.

"That's OK, Love; I'll find a way to eventually convince that stubborn old heart of yours that I mean what I say. And until then at least your head knows what I'm saying is the truth and 100% sincere. Right?"

"Right" he confirmed with a very decisive nod of his head, both sounding and looking slightly happier now he realised that she was not bothered by the fact he had difficulty believe that she really did mean what she was saying to him.

"But until I can find a really effective way to convince you of that fact one and for all I'm just going to go with the idea that constant repetition of the facts has a chance of working. If you don't get it and get it quick you're going to be hearing a lot about how much I care for you Harry and how I'm going to be there for you whenever you need me, ok? "She grinned cheekily across the room at him and winked before she started speaking again. "I really care about you, Harry and I want to help you. You are a good person and I'm going to be there for you no matter what. Even if it's two a.m., even if I have to face 100 dementors or 200 death eaters I will be there. All you have to do is call. Ok?"

"You mean that now, Tonks, I know that you do. But there's till this little voice that keeps whispering doubts in the back of my head and saying that its all well and good that you mean what you say now and have all these good intentions now, but what about in three days time or a week or a month, I can't believe you will still mean that then."

He would have continued but she held up a hand and cut him off. "I really care about you, Harry and I want to help you. You are a good person and I'm going to be there for you no matter what. Even if it's two a.m., even if I have to face 100 dementors or 200 death eaters I will be there. All you have to do is call. Ok?" she repeated the majority of the speech she had just finished almost completely verbatim and then when he looked at her curiously, almost surprised retorted "Well I did tell you that you would be hearing that a lot until you can actually hear me say it and not question my meaning or my intentions."

Once again, Harry felt a slight glimmer of hope light up in his soul as he heard the woman in front of him say once more that she wanted to help him and that she would be there for him. That glimmer of hope stayed for a longer amount of time this time around - the longest period he had ever dared himself to be hopeful for in his whole life.

"I think I might actually be beginning to believe you when you say that, Tonks. I'm not sure though and it'll probably take a few more times before my heart really does believe it, but I think you made a start then."

Impulsively he stepped forward, hugged the young woman who had done so much to help him, and was willing to do so much more. She really was a great person and Harry really was beginning to believe her when she talked about being prepared to go so far above and beyond the call of her duty as a member of the order of the phoenix for him. It was the first time he could remember ever having initiated a hug himself or even have returned a hug willingly. The only people he could ever remember hugging him were Hermione and Mrs Weasley and even though he loved the pair of them in a platonic way and considered them part of the closest thing to a real family he had ever had. It was a little uncomfortable for him to be in such close contact with someone to start with even though he had been the one to initiate the hug and he trusted her almost completely. But eventually after perhaps half a minute he was able to completely relax into the hug and just enjoy the sensation of being held by someone and being almost sure that they were doing it simply because they cared for him.

Eventually after holding Tonks and letting her hold him in return for about two minutes he pulled away and they separated. They stood there for a few minutes each looking at the other not quite sure what they should say or do next. Harry and Tonks both realised that there relationship had become so much more in the past few hours and they were no longer the acquaintances and casual friends who just happened to be ling in the same house together any longer. But neither of them was quite sure exactly what they were supposed to do with that new development now it had occurred. The fact that both of them were trying to hide the fact that they would like to go from the very good friends they were now to lovers from the other who they believed did not return their feelings did nothing to abate the awkwardness of the situation.