Interview with the Marauders

The Infamous Hogwarts' Marauders

Interviewed by Jean Deblon of The Time-Turner

What was your first sign of magic?

Potter: Exploded my mum's rotten cooking.

Black: Shattered my brother's piggy bank.

Lupin: Fixed a crazed dog's broken chain.

Pettigrew: Unclogged the toilet...What? No one else could!

Black: Well, you are very special, Pete.

Where did you go to school before Hogwarts?

Black: Boar Boils.

Pettigrew: Pig Pimples.

Potter: Cow Calluses.

Lupin: St. Paul's Elementary School in London.

Black, Pettigrew, Potter (annoyed): Moony!

How did you meet?

Potter: Well, isn't that an interesting story!

Black: See, I was in the vast jungles of Africa at the age of ten, hunting a rare species of Erumpent, when a Fwooper hit a high note.

Potter: I was just a half a mile off, but I had been fortunate enough to be partially deaf that day because of a freak Dungbomb accident the night before. My father, the adventurous man that he was, Apparated us to the clearing where the Fwooper had sung.

Black: I was lucky enough that young Remus had been there with a straightjacket for me. Peter swung off the branches of the tropic trees and brought us all back to London with his Port Key and I was treated in St. Mungo's just in time to keep my sanity.

Potter: And I will never forget the look on Remus' face when--

Lupin: We met on the train, you idiots.

Black, Potter: Way to ruin it, Moony!

Pettigrew: Oh, those jungle branches...

What is your blood status?

Pettigrew: Half.

Lupin: I'm half and half.

Potter: I'm full of it.

Black: No comment.

What is your worst fear?

Black, Potter, Lupin, Pettigrew: Betrayal.

Potter: And Harry turning two.

Black: I second that second.

Lupin, Pettigrew: Me, too.

What is your current occupation?

Lupin: I work for a company branched off of the Ministry which educates magical humans with...problems.

Potter: Furry or otherwise?

Lupin: Shut up, James.

Black: I'm more into my personal life, as it is, but I'm volunteering for a charity which helps non-advanced witches and wizards enchant Muggle artifacts in safe and lawful ways. It's quite rewarding.

Potter: My wife and I are working very hard in a secret organization to stop a certain evil wizard, so that takes prominence over my job...hey, want to join? You get free tea at meetings!

Pettigrew: I'm a cashier at Florish and Blotts. I'm saving up to join the League of Illegally Enchanted Objects Sirius founded--

Black: WORM!

Who was your favorite teacher at school?

Black, Pettigrew, Potter, Lupin: McGonagall.

Why?

Black: There has to be a reason?

Potter: I'm changing my answer.

What is your favorite food?

Black: WHIP CREAM!

Lupin: I think it's whipped cream.

Black: Oh, as if you'd know, Remus.

Potter: Like it matters.

Pettigrew: I can't decide!

Potter: Oh, uh...lettuce.

Lupin: Steak.

Pettigrew: Stop! There're too many choices. You're confusing me!

Potter: It doesn't take much.

Pettigrew: Potatoes!

Black: Whip cream would own all of that.

What would your perfect date include?

Lupin: A nice meal, candles, and of course a long chat on a subject we both find fascinating.

Black: Screw conversation. There would have to be major snogging, maybe some whip cream, and a ton of sex.

Potter: Whip cream with sex.

Black: Yeah...Shut up, Prongs, you're married.

Pettigrew: I'd want lots of food in mine.

Black: And maybe some chocolate sauce.

Lupin: Honestly, Sirius.

Potter: Bloody bastards.

How often do you use your wand?

Potter: Every day.

Black: All the time.

Lupin: Most days.

Pettigrew: For everything. Sometimes, after I eat a lot, I hover myself to the couch...

Lupin: You're disgraceful.

Potter: To the wizarding world.

Black: ...Yeah.

What was the last spell you used?

Pettigrew: Summoning Charm.

Potter: What'd you summon?

Pettigrew: What? Oh, toilet paper.

Black: What is it with you and toilets?

Lupin: I think I used a Memory Modifier.

Black: Sure it didn't backfire? I Stunned.

Pettigrew: Who?

Black: You know that brunette I walked out of the bar with yesterday night.

Lupin: You're like a big barrel full of wit, Sirius.

Black: Thanks, Moony.

Potter: Incarcerous...please, just don't ask.

Black: So let's see how loud we have to yell 'kinky' before James' ears turn red.

Black, Pettigrew, Lupin: Kinky! KINKY!

Black: Damn, that was fast.

Do you prefer shoes to bare feet?

Potter: I like socks, personally. Mostly of the fuzzy variety.

Black: Kink--

Potter: Don't start with me.

Lupin: I prefer shoes.

Pettigrew: You would.

Lupin: What's that supposed to mean? Just because I don't enjoy flaunting my disgusting, callused, fungus-infested toes at other people...

Black: Your feet are infested with effing fungus, Moony? Lemme see!

Potter: Yeah, socks are great.

Lupin: Stop untying my shoelaces!

Describe your ideal woman.

Potter: My wife.

Black, Pettigrew: His wife.

Lupin: If Lily reads this...

Do you have a favorite person?

Black: Moony.

Pettigrew: Padfoot.

Lupin: Prongs.

Potter: Mrs. Prongs.

Pettigrew (indignant): Hey! You bastard.

Potter: When you get married, you'll understand my obligations.

Lupin: James, stop talking. Right now.

What's your favorite form of transportation?

Potter: Broom.

Lupin: Apparation.

Pettigrew: Port key.

Black: Flying.

Pettigrew: Flying how?

Black: There are various ways.

Pettigrew: Yes, but she asked what's your favorite.

Lupin, Black, Potter: Shut up, Peter.

If you had to pick a color to be for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Black: Black.

Potter: Blue.

Lupin: Red.

Pettigrew: All over?

If you had to choose, which spell would you want to be hit with?

Lupin: Something simple, like a Leg-Locker Charm.

Black: Moon, your legs are already locked. Maybe a Bat-Boogy Hex. I've dished a lot out but I've never actually gotten hit by one before.

Pettigrew: They're not fun. I'd want to be hit with a--

Potter: Antler-Growing Charm!

Lupin: Obviously.

Black: Does that even count?

Pettigrew: Probably with--

Potter: A Silencing Charm, then.

Black, Lupin: Hallelujah!

Potter: Hey!

Pettigrew: A Summoning Charm!

Lupin: You want someone to summon you?

Potter (disgusted): Oh please, Peter...

If the four of you made a wizard rock band, what would your name be?

Black: The Serious Blacks.

Potter: The Jammin' Potters.

Pettigrew: The Petty Grews.

Lupin: The Moronic Marauders.

Potter: Or maybe...

Black: Where Are the Wolves!

What one thing would you bring with you on a deserted island?

Lupin, Potter, Black: Wand.

Pettigrew: A potat--wand.

Thank you for your time.

Black: What a God-awful pun.

Potter: I agree. The whole selection of time puns, and this was all they could come up with?

Lupin: Nobody likes a critic.

Pettigrew: ...I don't get it!