Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in Fifteen Minutes

Some Dark Bedroom

HARRY: *plays with his wand in the middle of the night*

MR. DURSLEY: Stop playing with your wand in the middle of the night, boy!

HARRY: *won't stop playing with his wand in the middle of the night*

CLEO: Uh...

THE LOVELY EMILY: Dude, I KNOW.

Aunt Marge Comes to Visit

AUNT MARGE: Carry my luggage, boy!

HARRY: ...

AUNT MARGE: Clean my plate, boy!

HARRY: ...

AUNT MARGE: Come back and listen to my insults, boy!

HARRY: ...

AUNT MARGE: Your mother was a bitch!

AUNT MARGE'S GLASS: *explodes*

MR. DURSLEY: Oh, shit.

AUNT MARGE: ...and your father was a drunk!

HARRY: I KEEL YOU!

AUNT MARGE: *spontaneously Violet Beauregards and floats away into the sky*

DUDLEY: *drools*

Five minutes later, Harry stomps down with his trunk packed.

MR. DURSLEY: YOU DEFLATE YOUR AUNT RIGHT NOW!

HARRY: FUCK ALL Y'ALL AND THIS POPSICLE STAND!

AUNT MARGE IN THE DISTANCE: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Some Dark Street

Harry storms off into the night dragging his trunk, apparently having left his owl to the Dursleys' tender mercies.

HP FANS: OMGWTFHEDWIG!

SOME DARK AND SCARY SWING SET: *swings*

SOME DARK AND SCARY SEESAW: *saws*

SOME SCARY BLACK DOG: Rrrrrr! Black dog, I'm a BLACK dog!

HARRY: Okay, maybe I didn't think this all the way through.

The Knight Bus arrives, which is for some reason piloted by a legally blind man and a shrunken head. ON CRACK. Stan Shunpike heaves Harry's trunk on board.

STAN: This 'ere newspaper says--

KNIGHT BUS: ZOOM!

STAN: --that Sirius Black is a psycho killer escaped from--

KNIGHT BUS: VEER!

STAN: --Azkaban, the terrible prison for wizards, and is dangerous and--

KNIGHT BUS: DEATH-DEFY!

STAN: --on the loose and one of You-Know-Who's most faithful supporters and probably out looking for a boy wizard to kill!

HARRY [peeling his face off the window]: You done with the trip to the Department of Back Story?

STAN: Yeah, I think so. NEXT STOP LEAKY CAULDRON!

The Leaky Cauldron

CORNELIUS FUDGE: *has a Ministry of Magic office in the middle of a tavern for some reason*

HARRY: Hedwig! You made it!

HEDWIG: Love you too, bitch.

FUDGE: So! Harry! Bit of illegal magic there that we usually expel students for! No worries, all cleaned up, be on your way now!

HUNCHBACK: Mr. Potter! Saaanctuaaary!

HARRY: Y'all. Are such. Freaks.

HUNCHBACK: ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

HARRY: *runs*

Room 11, The Leaky Cauldron

Fudge has helpfully bought all of Harry's new school books.

THE MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS: *eats Harry's face*

HARRY: I shall stomp on you and tie you up and name you Fizgig.

THE MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS: AHahAHahAHahAH!

The Leaky Cauldron, The Next Day

RON AND HERMIONE: *bicker bicker Scabbers plot point bicker*

WANTED POSTER: RAAAA! LOOK AT ME! I'M SO CRAZY! I'M CRAZY GARY OLDMAN!

MR. WEASLEY: Harry, there's something I'm not supposed to tell you that I've gotta tell you.

HARRY: Okay, shoot.

MR. WEASLEY: Sirius Black is specifically coming to kill you. Promise me that whatever terrible and infuriating things anyone says, you won't go after him.

HARRY: Should I ask follow-up questions about this?

MR. WEASLEY: Not unless you want to get down to the bottom of the mystery in the first fifteen minutes of the movie.

HARRY: Oh, okay.

WANTED POSTER: SO CRAZY!

The Hogwarts Express

MRS. WEASLEY [with Scabbers]: OMG RON! DON'T FORGET YOUR PLOT POINT!

HARRY: Guys, I have something really freaky to tell you! Shall we sit in the train car with the drunk sleeping under a coat?

HERMIONE: Sure, might as well.

HARRY: Rock. So, Sirius Black is coming to kill me and stuff.

WINDOW: *frosts over*

DRUNK'S BOTTLE: *freezes*

RON: OMG we're going into a new ice age! Everybody start burning books!

SCARY SHRIVELED HAND: *pulls open door*

DEMENTOR: SHIIIIIRE.... BAAAAAGGINS....

KIDS: AHHHHHHH!

DEMENTOR: *dements*

HARRY: *pitches a spaz*

RON AND HERMIONE: Help! Somebody help!

DRUNK: ...

RON AND HERMIONE: SOMEBODY HELP, GODDAMMIT! GO DEMENT THE DRUNK OR SOMETHING!

DRUNK LUPIN [leaping up]: I am no drunk! I am your pitifully mysterious new professor who takes his sweet-ass time coming to the aid of his new students! BACK, YOU DEVIL!

DEMENTOR: *flees*

LUPIN: Here, eat this chocolate.

Great Hall, Hogwarts

GROOVY NEW DUMBLEDORE: Many thanks to the Richard Harris Memorial Toad Choir for that lovely performance. Greetings, salutations, and what up: I will be your new Dumbledore this year, which I'm sure will be fabulous despite the presence of a few hundred undernourished ringwraiths on the premises. Hagrid will be taking over the Care of Magical Creatures class despite having no teaching credentials whatsoever, and also, we have a new teacher, Professor Lupin, to fill our cursed Defense of the Dark Arts spot. Good luck making it through the year alive, Remus!

SNAPE: *gives Lupin the stink-eye*

LUPIN: Oh, I feel at home already.

Gryffindor Boys' Dormitory

The boys eat candy, roar like wild animals, and have a pillow fight.

DEMENTOR FLOATING AROUND HOGWARTS: I think I saw a porno like this once.

Divination Class

TRELAWNEY: Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! There is totally a big scary black dog following you!

HARRY: You get paid for this?

RON: Hermione! When'd you get here?

HERMIONE: Pshhhh, I was here the whole time. Also, this class sucks. Which I know, because I was here the whole time. My Ancient Runes class is a lot better.

RON: Wait a minute... aren't Runes and Divination at the same time?

HERMIONE: ...Yes.

RON: So how are you taking two classes at once?

HERMIONE: I'm not, stupid.

RON: Except... for the part... where you totally are...?

HERMIONE: ...

Care of Magical Creatures Class

RON: Wow, Hagrid's hut is in a totally different location than it used to be.

HERMIONE: Seriously, what up with that?

RON: AHHHH! YOU! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

HAGRID: Since Harry has the most experience dealing with weird shit, he can go first. Bow to the nice horsybird, Harry.

BUCKBEAK: *snuffle squawk gnash snort RAAAA!*

HERMIONE: *grabs Ron's hand*

RON/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: YAY!

RON AND HERMIONE: COOTIES! AHHHHH!

After flirting with feathery death for a few minutes, Harry wins the hippogriff's respect and gets an impromptu flight around Hogwarts.

HARRY: WOOOOOOOOO!!!!

HALF THE AUDIENCE: He's KING OF THE WOOOORLD!

CLEO: *eye roll*

HALF THE AUDIENCE: Okay, you think of a better joke.

CLEO: ...

DRACO: OUTTA MY WAY, PLEBE, IT'S MY TURN ON THE HORSYBIRD!

BUCKBEAK: *administers a two-hoof beatdown*

DRACO: *cries for Daddy*

HAGRID: Lord. Tell Madam Pomfrey to pull out the smelling salts, I gotta bear Miss Malfoy here off to the fainting couch.

DRACO: Faster, plebe! I do believe I have the vapors!

Defense of the Dark Arts Class

LUPIN: All right, dementors suck, and I still can't figure out why they're picking on teenage kids who don't look anything like Crazy Gary Oldman, so we're going to learn about boggarts and how to laugh at them. Line up!

MUSIC: *is madcap*

LUPIN: So, Neville, what are you afraid of?

NEVILLE: Everything?

LUPIN: Besides that?

NEVILLE: Professor Snape.

LUPIN: Snape it is then! Make your fears funny and therefore harmless!

NEVILLE: *changes Snape into Drag Queen Grandma Snape*

DRAG QUEEN GRANDMA SNAPE: RUNS in my STOCKINGS? FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

RON: *changes giant spider into giant roller-skating spider*

PARVATI: *changes a snake into a GIANT SCARY CLOWN JACK-IN-THE BOX*

HARRY: Dude, you're not helping.

LUPIN: Go on, Harry! I'm sure none of the things you've witnessed in your life would give the other students heart attacks at all!

HARRY: *conjures a dementor*

LUPIN: AHHH! CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL!

Some Really Long Bridge on the School Grounds That Didn't Exist Before This Movie

Everyone else has gone to Hogsmeade. Harry can't, because the Dursleys suck..

LUPIN: So I knew you'd conjure something terrifying, which is why I stopped you.

HARRY: Except that... you totally didn't.

LUPIN: Whatever. My point is, I thought you'd choose Voldemort for your turn.

HARRY: Well, then, that makes letting me have a whack at the boggart really stupid, now, doesn't it?

LUPIN: ...

HARRY: ...

LUPIN: Here, eat this chocolate. You know, you look a lot like your father. Except that you have J.K. Rowling's eyes.

HARRY: Awww, thanks.

The Portrait Gallery

THE FAT LADY: OMG MY PORTRAIT HAS BEEN SLASHED! DEFILED! THE SHAME!

MCGONAGALL: Sirius Black was trying to get to Harry Potter and kill him!

SCABBERS THE RAT: *looks away, whistling*

DUMBLEDORE: All right, everyone in the Great Hall for a sleepover!

FILCH: I think I saw a porno like this once.

Defense Against the Dark Arts Class

SNAPE: EVERYONE SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE GODDAMN HELL UP.

CLEO: Dude, this is so totally how I would teach a class.

HARRY: Where's Professor Lupin?

SNAPE: MOONING AROUND somewhere, I'm sure. In other news, today's lesson is on WEREWOLVES. Can anyone enlighten the audience on the difference between a WEREWOLF and an animagus?

HERMIONE: Yes! A werewolf can't help changing into an animal and doesn't remember who he is, while an animagus chooses to change and can control himself.

SNAPE: Correct. FIVE THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

HERMIONE: I--but the--adda--wibba--

SNAPE: I want two rolls of parchment on WEREWOLVES by tomorrow, including what WEREWOLVES look like, how to detect WEREWOLVES in the faculty of a British boarding school for wizards, and the definition of the Latin word "lupus." CLASS DISMISSED!

CLASS: *grumble grumble homework grumble*

DRACO (writing):

Mr. Harry Potter
Draco Potter
Draco Malfoy-Potter
Mr. and Mr. Malfoy-Potter

DRACO/HARRY SHIPPERS: YAY!

DRACO: *crumples up paper, starts over, sends over Origami Crane of Pigtail-Pulling*

THE NOTE:

Dear Potter,

HA HA!

EVERYONE ELSE: *leaves*

SNAPE [shouting after them]: WEREWOLVES WEREWOLVES WEREWOLVES!

Apparently the Only Quidditch Game Played at Hogwarts This Year

THE RAIN: *is torrential*

HARRY'S GOGGLES: *are sporty*

OLIVER WOOD: *is not there*

HP FANS: *grumble grumble like to polish his Biggerstaff grumble*

Harry ends up chasing the Snitch up into the stratosphere, where the Dementors show up, start dementing, and sucking Harry's face until he falls off his broom and plummets to earth in front of several hundred shrieking spectators.

DUMBLEDORE: THIS IS NOT GROOVY AT ALL!

The Infirmary

HARRY: What happened?

RON: You fell a hundred feet and nearly died but Dumbledore, like, caught you with his mind or something.

HARRY: THE GAME, Ron.

HERMIONE: Uh...wekindalostdontblameyourselfHarry.

HARRY: Well, shit. Could things get any worse?

RON: Funny you should say that.

HARRY'S BROOM: *is dead from tree*

Harry and Lupin Take a Stroll Through the Woods

LUPIN: So... that bit about your broom sucks.

HARRY: Tell me about it.

LUPIN: Here, have some chocolate.

Some Snowy Courtyard

Harry mopes around in his invisibility cloak, trying to sneak off to Hogsmeade, but the Weasley twins catch him.

FRED: Merry Christmas!

GEORGE: Have a party!

HARRY: It's...

FRED: An invisible map

GEORGE: to go with your cloak!

FRED: It has all

GEORGE: the secret passages!

HARRY: WOOT!

The Shrieking Shack, Hogsmeade

HERMIONE: You wanna come closer?

RON: Ew, you have cooties!

HERMIONE: To the Shack.

RON: The Shack also has cooties!

DRACO: Weasley and the Mudblood, sitting in a tree!

DRACO'S HAT: *sneers furrily*

CRABBE AND GOYLE: HA HA!

INVISIBLE HARRY: *wreaks snowy vengeance*

DRACO: *runs off crying for Daddy*

The Three Broomsticks, Hogsmeade

Invisible Harry overhears his name and follows Fudge, McGonagall, and Madame Rosmerta into the Three Broomsticks.

THE AUDIENCE: Hey! It's Brad Pitt's goddess mom! Hi, Brad Pitt's goddess mom! What are you the goddess of this time?

MADAME ROSMERTA: Back story. So, Minerva, what's up with Harry and Sirius Black?

MCGONAGALL: Well, you'll never believe it, but Sirius Black is actually Harry's godfather because he was the Potters' best friend but he totally sold them out to You-Know-Who and now he wants to kill Harry.

MADAME ROSMERTA: It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the mysterious nine-fingered death of Peter Pettigrew, could it?

MCGONAGALL: Shpfff, of course not.

Snowy Glade of Teenage Weeping, Hogsmeade

NO-LONGER-INVISIBLE HARRY: OMG HE WAS THEIR FRIEND! I KILL YOU DEAD, SIRIUS BLACK!

HERMIONE: I would give you a comforting hug, but... y'know, the cooties.

HARRY: S'aright. I have to practice my teenage rage for the next two movies anyway.

Lupin Teaches Harry Extremely Advanced Magic He Couldn't Possibly Learn at This Age

LUPIN: So. The better the memory, the better the Patronus. Go!

DEMENTOR-IN-A-BOX: RAAAAAA!!

HARRY: *falls over*

LUPIN: No dice, Frodo. Think of something better.

HARRY: Well... I have this memory... actually it wasn't a very happy memory, and really it wasn't even a memory, it was just something I saw in a magic mirror, but...

LUPIN: Go!

HARRY: *produces a giant shield of light*

LUPIN: Wow! You held off a fake Dementor with a fake memory! Let's just assume that'll work with a real one!

Somewhere on the School Grounds

RON: YOUR CAT ATE MY RAT AND I HATE YOU!

HERMIONE: MY CAT DID NOT EAT YOUR RAT AND I HATE YOU!

HARRY: Y'all, get a room or something. Hagrid! What's wrong?

HAGRID (sniffling): Buckbeak was SET UP and Draco is a LIAR and his father is a BAD BAD MAN and now Buckbeak is going to DIE!

THE KIDS: Oh no!

HP FANS: WAHHHHH!

HARRY: Dude, nothing's even happened to Buckbeak yet--what's wrong with you guys?

HP FANS: You keep talking about Luscious Lucius Malfoy and then we don't even get to see him!

HARRY: ...

Gryffindor Boys' Dormitory

RON [in his sleep]: Spiders...spiders! Spiders want me to tap-dance and I don't wanna tap-dance, Harry!

HARRY [looking up from map]: You tell those spiders, Ron.

NOTHING: *is funnier than that line*

HARRY [looking back at map]: "Peter Pettigrew," WTF?

RON [in background]: Spiders... noooo... spiders... the centaurs have my money, please don't make me tap-dance....

Somewhere in the Hall Outside the Dormitory

PETTIGREW: *comes closer on the map*

HARRY: *sees no one*

PETTIGREW: *comes closer on the map*

HARRY: *sees no one*

PETTIGREW: *comes closer on the map*

HARRY: *sees no one*

PETTIGREW: *OMGSOCLOSE*

HARRY: NO ONE IS HERE!

SNAPE: POTTER!

HARRY: AHHHH!

SNAPE: Hand it over. REVEALUS SECRETUS!

THE MAP: Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs kindly ask you to kiss this map's ass.

SNAPE: FIVE MILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

LUPIN: Hi, I'll take that. Take your greasiness back to bed plzkthnx.

SNAPE: *sour face*

SOUR FACE: *looks like this: (X^( *

Moony's Lupin's Office

LUPIN: OH MY GOD TRAIPSING AROUND A DARK CASTLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH A MAP THAT SHOWS ANYONE INCLUDING THE GUY WHO WANTS TO KILL YOU HOW TO FIND ANYONE INCLUDING YOU ARE YOU STUPID?

HARRY: *hangs head*

LUPIN: Oh, what the hell. Have some chocolate.

Divination Class

TRELAWNEY: Ooooo, ahhhhhh, I see lots of skepticism in your future, Miss Granger. Also, a book will be your date to the prom.

HERMIONE: FUCK YOUR COSMIC SHIT!

HARRY AND RON: *back away slowly*

CRYSTAL BALL: *also backs away slowly*

HARRY: Oh, hell, I'd better go take the crystal ball back to Professor Trelawney.

CRYSTAL BALL: Haaaaarry... Haaaaaarry...

HARRY: AHHH! Get out of my school supplies, Crazy Gary Oldman!

TRELAWNEY: TONIGHT THE DARK LORD'S SERVANT WILL RETURN TO HIS MASTER AND DEATH WILL STALK US ALL!

HARRY: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

TRELAWNEY: What? I said "Thanks for bringing back my crystal ball."

HARRY: *runs for his life*

Rocks of Gigantitude

Draco Malfoy and his two goons congratulate themselves on getting Buckbeak sent to the big pumpkin patch in the sky.

HERMIONE: I KEEL YOU!

DRACO: *cries*

RON AND HARRY: He's not worth it, Hermione!

DRACO: HA H--

HERMIONE: *punches Draco*

DRACO'S HEAD: *bounces off the rock with a beautiful THUNK*

CLEO AND THE LOVELY EMILY: YAY!

RON: I think I love you.

Hagrid's Hut of Gigantitude

HAGRID [sniffling]: I can't believe they're gonna execute Buckbeak for laying the smackdown on Malfoy! Come on! We've all wanted to do that!

THE KIDS: Aww, it's terrible, poor Buckbeak, really, it'll be all right, etc.

HAGRID: Oh, by the way, Ron, I found your plot point. Looks like Hermione's cat didn't eat him after all.

A STONE: CRASH!

ANOTHER STONE: THUNK!

HARRY: Ow! What the hell was that?

HERMIONE: Dumbledore and Fudge and the executioner guy are coming! Run!

Hagrid's Pumpkin Patch of Gigantitude

RON: Isn't there anything we can do?

HARRY: Doesn't look like it.

SOMETHING: *rustles in the bushes behind them*

HERMIONE: What was that?

HARRY: Nothing, just a plot point. Come on, we've got to get out of here!

Hilltop of Hippogriff Sorrow

EXECUTIONER: *chops something off-screen*

PEOPLE WHO DON'T READ THE BOOKS: OMGWTFHORSYBIRD!

THE KIDS: *hug threesomely*

ALFONSO CUARÓN: I think I directed a porno like this once.

SCABBERS: RON! I BITE YOUR THUMB AT YOU!

RON: AHHHHHH! COME BACK, SCABBERS!

The Whomping Willow

RON: Scabbers! There you are! What are you running away fr...

HARRY: AHHH! BIG BLACK DOG!

RON: Oh, shit.

HARRY: AHHH! WHOMPING WILLOW!

HERMIONE: Hey, didn't it used to be on a totally different part of the grounds?

BIG BLACK DOG: *drags Ron and Scabbers into a hole under the tree*

RON: Ohhhhhhh shiiiiiiiii.....

Ten minutes later, after the Whomping Willow is done flinging Harry and Hermione around, they find a tunnel under the tree to...

The Shrieking Shack

RON: Help! Help!

HARRY: We're coming, Ron!

RON: Don't help! Don't help! It's a trap!

HARRY: *eye roll*

BIG BLACK DOG: *turns into Sirius Black*

HERMIONE: If you want to kill Harry, you'll have to kill us first!

HP FANS: OMGWTF THAT WAS RON'S LINE! YOU CHANGED THINGS FROM THE BOOK!

LOTR FANS: What are you, new?

SIRIUS: Only one person will die tonight, but I will be vague about it so that you'll think I mean Harry!

HARRY: BRING! IT! ON!

Harry jumps Sirius and gets his chokehold on.

LUPIN [rushing in]: Harry, no! EXPELLIARMUS!

THE KIDS: Lupin!

SIRIUS: Remus!

LUPIN: Sirius!

SIRIUS: Hug!

HERMIONE: Werewolf!

RON AND HARRY: What?

SNAPE: BLACK!

THE KIDS: Snape!

SNAPE: EXPELLIARMUS!

LUPIN: Noooo!

SIRIUS: Pettigrew!

THE KIDS: What?

SIRIUS: Map!

LUPIN: Dead!

SIRIUS: No!

LUPIN: Yes!

SIRIUS: No!

LUPIN: Yes!

SIRIUS: No!

LUPIN: Yes!

SNAPE: Christ, you two bicker like an old married couple.

SIRIUS/LUPIN SHIPPERS: YAY!

SNAPE: ANYWAY. Dementors' Kiss for you, Black, an I'll have no more of this monosy--

HARRY [with Hermione's wand]: EXPELLIARMUS!

EXPELLIARMUS: *for some reason does not just disarm Snape but throws him through the wall of the Shack*

RON: Oh, we are so fucked now.

HERMIONE: Professor Lupin! You were Harry's friend, so I didn't tell on you for the werewolf stuff, and now you're going to turn Harry over to Black!

HARRY: Dude, you could have told ME!

SIRIUS: I don't want to kill you, Harry! I want to kill your friend's rat!

RON: WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY ON OPPOSITE PLANET?

Another Trip to the Department of Back Story

SIRIUS: No, no! Harry's father and Remus and Peter and I were all best friends, except that Peter was kind of a wuss and so he went over to Voldemort and I had told Peter where the Potters were hiding because I must have gone stupid all of a sudden, and I found out Peter had gone bad and he cut off his finger to make it look like I blew him up and then he blew everyone else up and left me to take the rap after Voldemort killed the Potters and he's been living as the Weasley family rat ever since! See, it all makes sense!

THE KIDS: ...

SIRIUS: Gimme your rat!

RON: No!

SIRIUS: Gimme your rat!

RON: No!

SIRIUS: Gimme your rat!

RON: No!

SIRIUS AND LUPIN: *turn Scabbers back into Peter Pettigrew*

RON: Oh. My. GOD.

PETTIGREW: Ron! Help me! I was a good rat, wasn't I? Remember all the good times we had?

SIRIUS: I think I saw a porno like that once.

RON: Y'all are SICK, man.

PETTIGREW: *grovels*

HARRY: You know what? Let's not kill him.

SIRIUS: What?

HARRY: Let's give him to the Dementors and let them suck his soul out through his nose.

SIRIUS: That's my boy!

Outside the Whomping Willow

SIRIUS: I know I'm kinda scruffy and scary and all but, you know, I am your godfather and if you ever wanted to come live with me instead of your asshole relatives...

HARRY: Come. And live. With you?

SIRIUS: I know, I know... forget I said anything.

HARRY: The word I am trying to think of here is OH GOD YES PLEASE NOW.

A FULL MOON: *rises*

HERMIONE: Oh, shit.

SIRIUS: Remus! This is not you! This is not your heart! I'LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF I HAVE TO!

LUPIN: *turns into Lupinwolf*

SIRIUS: Awwww, shit, Remus... *turns into Siriusdog*

PETTIGREW: *turns back into Scabbers and scampers for the hills*

SNAPE: *emerges to protect the kids, conveniently without ever having seen Pettigrew*

LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU, SIRIUSDOG!

SIRIUSDOG: *whimpers*

LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU TOO, HARRY POTTER!

HARRY: AHHHH!

FEMALE WEREWOLF: AROOOOOOOO!

EVERYBODY: WTF?

HARRY: *runs after wounded Siriusdog into the woods*

Somewhere in the Hogwarts Woods

Harry must conjure a Patronus before the Dementors suck off Siriusdog's face.

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

PATRONUS: ...

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

PATRONUS: ...

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

PATRONUS: ...

HARRY: *cries*

DEMENTORS: *dement*

PATRONUS: *finally gets off his ass and prances stagfully*

HARRY: Dad!

THE AUDIENCE: What? Where?

DEMENTORS: Run away! We are powerless against Bambi's dad!

HARRY: *falls over*

The Infirmary

HARRY: You can't let them take Sirius back to have his face sucked off! He didn't kill my parents, Peter Pettigrew did!

DUMBLEDORE: ...

HARRY: And then he turned into a rat and lived with Ron's family for twelve years and turned back into Peter and then turned back into a rat and conveniently ran away so that no one can prove or disprove our story!

DUMBLEDORE: ...

HERMIONE: You've got to believe us!

DUMBLEDORE [leaving]: Three turns, Miss Granger.

HARRY: Eh?

HERMIONE: He means the Time-Turner I've been wearing all year to turn back time and take extra classes.

RON [from hospital bed]: I KNEW IT!

HERMIONE: *pulls out a tiny hourglass on a five-foot chain conveniently long enough to go around two people*

HARRY: Does it have a flux capacitor?

HERMIONE: Shut up and let me chain you.

HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: YAY!

HARRY AND HERMIONE: *disappear*

THE REALLY CONFUSING PART OF THE MOVIE: *begins*

Rocks of Gigantitude

HERMIONE: *punches Draco*

DRACO'S HEAD: *bounces off the rock with a beautiful THUNK*

CLEO AND THE LOVELY EMILY: YAY!

CLEO AND THE LOVELY EMILY: YAY!

RON: I think I love you.

HERMIONE: Dude, I think I love me too right now.

Hagrid's Hut of Gigantitude

HAGRID: Oh, by the way, Ron, I found your plot point. Looks like Hermione's cat didn't eat him after all.

HARRY: Why are we not leaving? LEAVE, DAMN US!

HERMIONE: *throws stones*

A STONE: CRASH!

ANOTHER STONE: THUNK!

HARRY: Ow! What the hell was that?

HARRY: OW! THAT WAS MY SKULL, HOR!

HERMIONE: Come on, Buckbeak! Tasty ferrets! Yes! Into the woods! Hurry, before we find ourselves!

Hagrid's Pumpkin Patch of Gigantitude

RON: Isn't there anything we can do?

HARRY: Doesn't look like it.

HERMIONE: Wow, my hair is a lot less frizzy in this movie.

HERMIONE: What was that?

HERMIONE: Duck!

HARRY: Nothing, just a plot point. Come on, we've got to get out of here!

HARRY: Come on, we've got to get Buckbeak out of here!

Outside Hut of Gigantitude:

FUDGE: OMGWTF!

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, Dead Hippogriff Walking's gone, what a pity. Hagrid, break out the brandy plzkthnx.

HALF THE AUDIENCE: OMG ALCOHOL IN A CHILDREN'S MOVIE!

DUMBLEDORE: It's the parents who need booze the most. Am I right?

PARENTS IN THE THEATER: Damn straight, you tell 'em Albus, testify!, snap snap snap, etc.

EXECUTIONER: *chops a pumpkin off-screen*

The Whomping Willow

LUPIN: *stops the tree, goes down into the tunnel*

SNAPE: *follows Lupin*

HERMIONE: Well, now I guess we wait.

HARRY: It was my dad, out there in the woods! My dad came and saved me!

HERMIONE: Your dad's... dead, Harry.

HARRY: Shut up, hor.

A FULL MOON: *comes out*

HERMIONE: Oh, shit.

SIRIUS: Remus! This is not you! This is not your heart! I'LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF I HAVE TO!

HERMIONE: You know, I think that counts as a marriage ceremony in Massachusetts now.

LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU, SIRIUSDOG!

SIRIUSDOG: *whimpers*

LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU TOO, HARRY POTTER!

HARRY: AHHHH!

HERMIONE: AROOOOOOOO!

HARRY: Oh, wow, so that was you?

HERMIONE: Apparently.

LUPINWOLF: *comes for Non-Italicized Harry and Hermione*

HERMIONE: Didn't think this through! Didn't think this through!

Somewhere in the Hogwarts Woods

HARRY AND HERMIONE: *run like hell*

LUPINWOLF: *almost eats them*

BUCKBEAK: *delivers a four-hoof beatdown*

HARRY [grimacing]: Yow, right in the chocolate.

Somewhere Else in the Hogwarts Woods

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

PATRONUS: ...

HARRY: All right, here comes my dad.

HERMIONE: Uh, Harry...?

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

PATRONUS: ...

HARRY: Any minute now...

HERMIONE: Uh... Harry?

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

PATRONUS: ...

HARRY: *cries*

HERMIONE: Uh, Harry? I'm pretty sure you and Sirius are about to die here.

HARRY: Oh, goddammit--EXPECTO PATRONUM!

PATRONUS: *prances stagfully*

HARRY: Dad!

DEMENTORS: Run away! We are powerless against Bambi's dad!

HARRY: OH MY GOD I'M MY OWN FATHER.

HERMIONE: I think I saw a porno like that once.

Some Astronomy Tower

Harry and Hermione take Buckbeak to go rescue Sirius from the tower, and decide that they apparently have time for a ride around Hogwarts rather than sending him straight off to escape.

HARRY: WOOOOO!

HERMIONE: WOOOOO!

SIRIUS: WOOOOO!

BUCKBEAK: HWUUUU!

Sirius Tells Harry Goodbye

SIRIUS: You look so much like your father...

HARRY: Yeah, yeah, might as well be looking at his reanimated corpse right now, I got it.

The Infirmary

HARRY: Hurry! The clock's about to strike!

HERMIONE: You've got to believe us!

DUMBLEDORE [leaving]: Three turns, Miss Granger.

HERMIONE: We can't go in yet! We're still in there!

HARRY: Does it have a flux capacitor?

DUMBLEDORE: *walks out into the hall*

HERMIONE: Professor Dumbledore! We did what you told us to do!

DUMBLEDORE [winking]: I have no idea what you're talking about.

HARRY: Wait... so you're not going to hang around in the infirmary and explain the whole movie to us?

DUMBLEDORE: Night!

HARRY: Wow, New Dumbledore really is groovy.

HARRY AND HERMIONE: *disappear*

HARRY AND HERMIONE: *run back into the infirmary*

RON: You were--but the--adda--wibba--

HARRY AND HERMIONE [grinning]: We have no idea what you're talking about.

RON: *cries*

Lupin's Office of Woeful Packing

HARRY: Well, basically we're right back where we started, which sucks.

LUPIN: Except for the part where you saved the lives of an innocent convict and an innocent Malfoy-mashing hippogriff.

HARRY: Yeah, but I still have no broom, no teacher, no godfather, and no parents.

LUPIN: Here, have some chocolate.

Great Hall, The Next Day

HARRY: OMG A FIREBOLT! THIS BROOM IS SO AWESOME IT ALMOST MAKES UP FOR HAVING NO TEACHER, NO GODFATHER, AND NO PARENTS!

HERMIONE: Look what was attached to the broom, Harry!

HARRY: Oh, wow! A feather from that hippogriff, whose escape we know NOTHING ABOUT.

HERMIONE: Yes! And according to my book here, a hippogriff feather means "Greetings from an escaped convict"!

HARRY: Yay!

RON: And I hear they're actually going to let us play Quidditch in the next movie, too!

HARRY: WOOT!

PEOPLE WHO READ GOBLET OF FIRE: *facepalm*

Harry zooms off on his new broom with the movie ending on a close-up of his artfully blurred face, perhaps to suggest in the language of cinematic metaphor that this time he is rendered blurry with happiness.

Or that the camera guy can't hold the lens still. Something.

FIN.