Writing to a Redhead

Dear Mr Weasley,

It has recently come to our attention that you are in fact, a terrible teenager, and a disgrace to their name. For example, your best friend, only happens to be the most famous teenage wizard in the world! And you are...? Oh yes, the ginger kid in the background. Oooh, how wonderful for you! And by the way, when was the last time you had a girlfriend? Oh, yes... NEVER. You've been too busy pining for that best friend of yours haven't you? Hermione, the bookworm/ geek of the school. You know, if you were a REAL teen wizard, you would have made your move on her the second after the Yule ball. But instead, you continue to allow her to write to that ridiculously tall Bulgarian. Oh, smooth move Ronald, let the girl you love go off with the most famous quidditch player of our time! We can see your clever strategy there! Real teenagers would not allow this sort of thing to happen would they?? Trouble is, you're not a REAL teen wizard are you? More a pathetic excuse for one. After much deliberation on our part, we have decided it would be best for you, and us, if you would discontinue tarnishing our name, and lock yourself in a broom cupboard until your teenage years are over, and you have got over your ridiculous crush on your best friend. We feel this would be best for all parties concerned, as you're not really much use to anyone in the real world are you?

Thank You.

Yours Sincerely.

The Association Of Magical Teenagers.

Dear Mr Weasley,

It has recently come to our attention that you are in fact in love with your best friend, Hermione Granger! How absolutely wonderful for you!! This is perhaps one of the most ridiculously far- fetched possibilities we have encountered in our line of business! Not, only that, but you have done absolutely nothing to make your feelings known to anyone, even the Mr Harry Potter, who you are in fact meant to tell everything! Fantastic! You are at this very moment we believe, watching, while Ms Granger writes to Mr Krum. Your love rival! Who is a world famous Quidditch player? Wonderful! After several discussions, we have decided we would be thrilled if you would consider joining our organization!

Many Thanks.

Yours Sincerely,

The Board Of Absolute Losers In Love, Life, And Pretty Much Everything Else.

Dear Mr Weasley,

Well, we have been informed of your predicament. Interesting... very interesting. You see, while teenagers often fall for their best friend, you have gone one step further, by deliberately arguing with her, and being downright mean. This does in fact, classify as a Love- Hate relationship, even if it is slightly one- sided. We have been told the particulars- (Love rival, Intense denial of the truth, etc,) and are fascinated. We would love to hear of your progress, as we feel it would be a welcome addition to our archives. In love with your best friend, so you pretend you cannot stand her... Brilliant. We look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Many Thanks.

Yours Sincerely,

The Love- Hate Relationship Office.

P.S- Are you planning on letting anyone know your feelings any time soon? We feel the tortured soul look suits you, but we feel this may be ruined if you tell Mr Potter. We suggest you keep your unrequited love secret, and guard it with your life, for maximum effect.

Dear Diary,

Oh dear. I am writing in a diary. And I'm a guy. The biggest humiliation possible. I mean, I meant to throw it away, but then Hermione went on at me about how I need 'an outlet for my emotions' and how diaries 'can be surprisingly good confidantes.' So here I am. At 2 o' clock in the morning, spilling my guts... to a book. Again- Oh dear.

Yeah, so anyway, how was my day? Well, it was quite crap really. I was sitting there, in the common room right? And Harry's talking and Hermione's writing. And I just assume she's writing this HUGE essay or something. Seriously, loads of parchment. And then I ask her what she's doing. And guess what? She's writing a LETTER. And who is she writing this bloody novel to? Viktor Bloody Krum. Is that a kick in the bollocks or what? I mean, it's not like I care or anything, if she wants to write massive letters to guys, but why him? He's so... stupid. I mean. Has the guy ever actually smiled? Or laughed? Or made her laugh? Can he beat her at chess, without annoying her? Does he even know her that well? No. I bet he doesn't even know what her favourite food is. Shepherds Pie. And I bet he doesn't know that when she's thinking really hard her nose crinkles. Or that she hates fish fingers. And that her favourite book isn't 'Hogwarts- A History', like most people think. It's some weird muggle book- Pride And Prejudice. Dunno what it's about, but I know it's her favourite. She told me once, when we had a row. That's when she tells me most things actually. When we're shouting at each other. That's when it all comes out. She doesn't tell me things normally. She bottles it up. Or maybe she has an 'outlet for her emotions' too. I'd love to read it. Her diary, I mean. Huh, she'd kill me though. Not that she's that far from wanting to anyway. We don't get on that well, really... now that I think about it. She thinks I'm a bit stupid I think. And I am I suppose... compared to her, I mean. But she says it a lot. We don't really get on very well at all actually. But I still call her my best friend. Weird, that is.

Ron.

Dear Mr Weasley,

We have recently been informed from our contacts at the Love- Hate Relationship Office, that you are in love with your best friend. We immediately looked into this, and were bewildered beyond all reason. Are you aware this young lady is in fact, Muggle Born? Surely this is some error on your part? You do realize there are very few of your kind left?? If you were to... "get it on" with this young lady, the repercussions would be ridiculous. As you know, our organization fights for the continuity of purebloods, and I feel it necessary to inform you- you are not making our job any easier! I suggest you desist this infatuation immediately. If my contacts at the Association Of Magical Teenagers are to be believed, you haven't got much of a chance with her anyway.

Thank You.

Yours Sincerely,

PureBloods United.

Dear Mr Weasley,

Wow! Did you do well today or what? Huh? In potions, you yelled at Hermione so much, she didn't talk to you for at least an hour! And why was that? You yelled at her because she was trying to help you. Brilliant! You really are a special case. We haven't had one like you in years! Looking through the archives, you're rivalled only by classics, like Lily and James Potter! How fabulous for you! Oh, and just so you know, for that split second, when you shouted, and she paused before yelling back. That was because she had to get rid of the lump in her throat. Yes Ronald, you almost made her cry. Again, marvellous. Really fantastic.

Many Thanks.

Yours Sincerely,

The Director,

The Love- Hate Relationship Office

Dear Mr Weasley,

You know, Hermione might like you too, and have the same Love- Hate vibe going on. You know, for a second at breakfast earlier, when you muttered something rude about Snape, she didn't tut, or moan, or have a go at you. She caught your eye and smiled. Isn't that something? Huh? I mean you made her grin! Something, which that Krum guy has yet to do, right? So maybe, just maybe, you're actually getting somewhere!!

Thanks.

Yours Sincerely,

The Hopeless Romantic Society

Dear Mr Weasley,

Yeah right.

Yours Sincerely,

The Reality Check Corporation.