Hermione Granger and The Secret Fire

Chapter 11-Open up my Head and Let me out

Hermione awoke the next morning and stretched out her body on her bed. She knew she had to get up, but she really didn't want to face the morning. She was much happier snuggling in bed and replaying the delicious kisses from the previous night. It was much more fun to lie in bed and fantasize than to get up and actually have to cope with the day.

Hermione was quite happy with the previous night's activities. She was thrilled at Draco's kissing her and was excited that he had finally decided to confide in her. She had replayed the conversation several times in her head and was amused that she had caused so much confusion in him.

"I don't know what has gotten into me. Over the past few weeks I have been acting...weird because of you. I'm not acting like my self. I can't seem to gauge my reactions to situations before they happen, which I have always been able to do in the past. I don't feel these feelings! I don't show emotions and ...and...I don't care about you. Stop trying to make me into something I am not. Stop forcing me to be like this!"

Hermione assumed Draco's father had taught him that emotions were a weakness. She had seen enough from him in the past six years to believe that. She wondered if his mother had agreed with that belief or if she had tried to teach him differently. That was something she would have to ask him... another day.

Lying in bed, Hermione started to think about something that had happened later in the conversation. She didn't know where she got the strength or the courage when she had said, "Let me help you Draco. Acknowledging that you need help does not make you weak; ignoring that need does. Let me support you. You are going through a terrible time and should not have to do this alone. Let me in so I can show you how it feels when someone cares about you."

That had taken Gryffindor bravery and the forte to know you were doing the right thing. Hermione was quite sure she didn't have either of those things! She was still amazed the sorting hat had placed her where it had, but she figured it was because the hat had seen more of a long term plan to keep Ron and Harry alive rather than seeing bravery in her personality.

Hermione felt that she was quite lucky that Draco had reacted the way that he had and had not exploded in anger. He quite easily could have kicked her out or stormed off himself in anger.

'Oh my Gods!' Hermione thought, sitting bolt upright in her bed throwing Crookshanks off of her comforter, 'What if he regrets it this morning? What if he wishes he never kissed me at all? Of course he is going to regret it this morning, you idiot. He didn't really want to kiss you last night! He was just caught up in the emotions of being scared of Voldemort and his father cursing him. He also had Dumbledore and Snape supporting him; another emotion he is not used to feeling. Then I come in and overload his sanity with the sensation of someone caring for him. Now that he isn't being bombarded with emotions, something he admitted he does not do, he'll regret ever spending time with me last night! Remember 'I don't feel these feelings! I don't show emotions?' Jeez, Hermione, how can you be so stupid?'

Hermione fell back onto the bed in defeat and had to fight with herself not to cry. She had been so excited, so sure of her feelings for Draco and how he had acted, that she had not given thought, real thought, to his words. He had told her that he did not have feelings for her. Even thought he had kissed her after he had said it, he had said he didn't have feelings for her.

'The kiss must have just been teenage hormones meeting opportunity,' she thought in disgust. She was so angry with her self for getting caught up in her own emotions and hormones and not listening to the words being spoken. 'Well, I won't make that mistake again today,' she confirmed. 'I am going to have to remember that he is not used to all of these new emotions and that I'll have to be patient with him as he sorts through them.'

How was she going to act around him today? Even though she was certain that Draco did not have feelings for her, she didn't want him to be confused about her feelings for him. Should she act like the teenager-in-love that she felt or should she be more nonchalant and noncommittal? Should she wait for him to set the tone or, like last night, should she take the bull by the horns and just act? Draco had seemed to like it when she acted confident and sure of herself. He seemed to respond when she was insistent and assertive.

Crookshanks jumped back onto the bed and curled into a ball on Hermione's chest. He grumbled at the morning sun and tried, in vain, to cover his eyes from the offending light. Hermione wondered if all familiars gained their owners likes and dislikes or if hers was unique.

Hermione looked at the clock and realized that she only had 45 minutes until Potions. It was just enough time for her to get dressed and eat breakfast if she wanted to get to class on time.

"Why must I get up? Why do I have to go to class, especially Potions with the Slytherins? Why can't I just lay in bed and think about Draco's smile; his pouting lips?" Hermione said aloud.

Finally, the duties of her morning called and she crawled out of bed, complaining out loud to Crookshanks. Hermione wandered into the lavatory and began brushing her teeth. She was so caught up in her internal dialogue, that she forgot that she shared the lavatory with the male in question and that she was supposed to ward the door whenever she entered the room, unless she wanted company.

"Well, good morning sunshine," Draco drawled as he stood in his doorway wearing nothing more than a towel covering his lower half.

Hermione quickly spun around, suddenly well aware that she was wearing nothing but a sleeveless nighty. She spit her toothpaste out all over the floor when she saw Draco in the doorway. Her eyes widened in amazement at the glorious being half-dressed before her, and in horror at her own reaction. Whether or not he felt the emotions, she was certain that she did. She definitely felt emotions for Draco.

"That's attractive, Hermione," Draco said as he strolled into the room, carefully avoiding her spittle on the floor, "and to think, I kissed that mouth last night." He walked over to her and smiled at the sickened look on her face.

"Draco...I...I..." she began. But she didn't know what to say. 'I am sorry I almost spit on your feet? I am sorry I am so gross? Do you have a towel I could use, and yes, the one on you is fine? Oh my Gods! How do I get myself into these situations?' she thought.

Draco took the hand towel that was lying on the sink and wiped the corners of Hermione's mouth. Hermione was just beginning to wonder what Draco's reaction to kissing her last night was going to be, again, when he smiled at her and surprised her for the second time in twelve hours. He kissed her lips softly, causing Hermione to whimper in pleasure. She was constantly surprised at his tenderness and ability to make her stomach flutter. Draco, encouraged by Hermione's noises, moved his body to be closer to her own.

Hermione matched Draco's movements by wrapping her arms around his back, noting that she was holding him, skin against skin. She felt like she fit in his arms.

'His skin is so warm, just coming out of the shower, or, better yet, bed,' she thought. The thought of Draco in bed caused Hermione's stomach to flutter once again.

Draco deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue into her mouth. Very smoothly, he massaged her tongue and Hermione felt her knees go weak at the action. She was very quickly losing all ability to think, causing her body to have difficulty standing. Thankfully, Draco's arms were wound around her and supported her in her weakened state. All too quickly for Hermione's tastes, Draco pulled away.

"There, that is much better," he said, smiling at her, " there's nothing quite like a good morning snog before class. Get dressed and I'll meet you in the common room." Draco kissed her nose once before walking out of the room.

Hermione stared at Draco's retreating form and couldn't help but think that never in all her 17 years had she been kissed like that before today. She had kissed many boys in the past and none of them had left her as breathless and...wanting...as Draco's did. She turned to face her reflection in the mirror and was amazed to find that she was flushed with passion!

"What are you doing to me, boy?" she mumbled at her reflection. Hermione quickly finished her routine and left to meet Draco in the common room. She stumbled down the stairs to find him sitting in front of the fire, reading a book. He patted the seat next to his and smiled at her.

Hermione was a bit confused by the gesture. Sure, she knew he wanted her to sit next to him, but she needed to get to breakfast and to class. She was unclear on why he wanted to complicate her morning by talking.

"Come here," Draco said. "I need to talk to you."

Hermione sat next to Draco and he took her hands into his, turning to face her body. "I know you said that I could trust you, and I believe you. But you need to understand that there will be serious consequences if I find that you have violated my trust."

Draco smiled at Hermione, but her stomach dropped into her feet as her temper rose. Somehow she felt like she was being threatened.

"What are you saying Draco? You trust me, but you don't? What kind of bullocks is that?" Hermione ripped her hands out of Draco's and placed them squarely on her hips.

"Hermione, I do not give out information to just anyone. In fact, I hardly give it out at all. I just need you to see that..." Draco began in a patronizing tone.

"Oh, I see all right. You're having regrets now that it is the morning after and you have to face the consequences of someone caring about you," Hermione said, forgetting her earlier resolve to remember that Draco was not used to all the new emotions.

Draco looked at Hermione with sadness and pain.

"What I wanted to say was that I need you to see that I think you are pretty special. I am glad that I can talk to you and that I hope you'll be patient with me as I figure out how to do all of this. But, this is hard for me, Hermione. This is all new for me," Draco's anger was beginning to shine through his words, "you Gryffindorks may be used to all this cuddly sharing crap but in the Slytherin dungeons you'd be eaten alive if you broadcast your weaknesses. Look, I am trying to fit in here. I am trying to act more like how I think you want me to act, but it's beginning to be too much work. Yeah, I may be alone in the dungeons with the Slytherins, but at least I always know where I stand."

Draco stood up and walked out of the common room through the portrait. Hermione sat in stunned silence. She wasn't sure how to even react to Draco's words to her in the last few moments.

At first she had been angry at Draco's tone, which she had taken as condescending. 'Was he being sincere when he tried to tell me I was special? I thought he was being patronizing.'

As the conversation had gone on, however, Draco had gotten angry at Hermione's antagonism and misunderstandings. Then he had acted just like his typical spoiled, selfish-brat self of years past and stormed out!

Draco Malfoy was so infuriating! Hermione was never sure how he was going to act, how he was going to behave or how he was going to treat her. She was never sure if she was going to get the Malfoy of her fifth year that walked around as part of Umbridge's group ready to curse anyone who got out of line or the Draco of this year that had sat on the steps leading up to his room the night Misten had confided her love life to Hermione.

As Hermione got up and grabbed her Potions books, she realized that maybe that was what she liked about Draco the most; that he was unpredictable and erratic.

~*~

"Harry, for the millionth time, I am not going to complete your potion for you!" Hermione giggled sitting between her two friends. Snape had wanted them to brew a basic healing potion in teams during class and Hermione had been partnered with Millicent Bullstrode! Thankfully, the two had kept their conversations to a bare minimum. Hermione had completed the majority of the potion, quite certain that Millicent could not have created a potion if it had been completely made for her sans one ingredient. Now, Hermione was sitting with the boys having completed hers fifteen minutes earlier. Since then, she had spent the better part of the remaining time watching over Neville, who was working with Crabbe, making sure he did not do anything too horrible to his, causing Snape to blow a gasket.

Ron and Pansy had almost finished theirs, but Harry, who was working with Theodore Nott, was having a terrible time. He tried to convince Hermione several times to take over his mess, but she was of the mind that if he was talented enough to have made it into a seventh year potions class that he should complete the work himself.

Hermione was amazed that the four of them had, indeed, made it into Snape's seventh year potions class. This class was a prerequisite for Aurors training (hence Ron and Harry being in it) and for Medi-witch training (which was why Neville was there--he was convinced he was going to find the next herb cure for whatever ailment was on the horizon). Hermione was still not certain what she wanted to do once she was done at Hogwarts, so she had taken the class in preparation for whatever was next.

Misten, thankfully, was not in the class anymore. Hermione would have loved to have had her companionship in a classroom heavily occupied by males, but Misten's clumsiness and awkwardness with her environment turned out to be disastrous in a Potions' classroom. Plus, Hermione could not believe Snape's reaction to Misten's klutziness. The man had no patience as it was, but combine that with Misten's gawkiness and the horror had been unbelievable! Thankfully, Professor Dumbledore had removed her from the class before danger had struck.

The entire rest of the class was Slytherins. Of course their prince was in the class, but Hermione was not paying any attention to him, much less thinking about him. No, she had not thought about him at all during class. She had not noticed how he had almost walked into the wall as he walked towards the storeroom to get his ingredients. She also had not noticed how he had finished his potion two minutes after she did and had been sitting at his desk reading his Potions text since then. Hermione had definitely not noticed that Millicent was watching his every move and that she seemed to be trying to get him to pay attention to her. Hermione had not paid any attention to Draco Malfoy at all.

As class ended, Professor Snape called out, "Miss Bullstrode, Miss Granger, please remain." He turned back to his deskwork and Hermione noticed that Draco didn't even slow at her name being called.

Hermione rolled her eyes and wondered what had happened now. She knew that Snape only kept Gryffindors after class if something had gone wrong and she assumed that Millicent was being retained because she was partnered with Hermione. As Harry and Ron left, they looked at her with supportive glances. Hermione could not help but be pleased that at least if she was going to be in trouble with Snape, she was going to pull Millicent down with her!

"Which one of you two is responsible for today's potion?" Professor Snape began once the class had exited the room. Hermione could tell from the look on his face that he was quite seriously looking for an honest answer.

As she opened her mouth to answer, Hermione was cut off by Millicent saying, "Me, Professor Snape. Granger was too busy flirting with Potter to notice what was going on in class today."

Hermione blanched at Millicent's blatant lie and was about to argue when Draco surprisingly interrupted, "Get off it, Bullstrode. We both know you couldn't make a potion to save your life, otherwise you would have found one to save your face from those ugly pockmarks that cover it. Granger had to have been the one to make the potion, otherwise it would never have gotten done."

Hermione hadn't even noticed him come back into the classroom. She didn't know what to say to his comment, especially after the way she had acted that morning.

"Thank you, Mr. Malfoy, for that unbiased endorsement," Snape said, the sarcasm dripping off of his every word. Hermione hoped that Millicent could not hear the mockery in the Professor's tone of voice. "Now I need to know, from you two, who is accountable for this potion?"

Hermione took a deep breath and stood up. "I am, Professor. If something is wrong with the potion, I take full responsibility."

"Oh...yeah," Millicent agreed when she realized that she could get in trouble if something was wrong with the potion. "If something is incorrect, it's her fault. She made it. I didn't really do anything to it. I just got the ingredients. Granger brewed it."

Snape looked at the girl from his house as if she had gone mad and needed to be locked up in St. Mungo's. Hermione was even shocked by her partner's turn around. She always knew Slytherins were only concerned with their own well being, but the quickness in Millicent's retreat surprised all in the room.

"I assure you," Snape said, looking only at his fellow Slytherins, "that nothing is wrong with the potion."

He turned to Hermione and said, "That is why I needed to know who brewed it. It is near perfect. It must be sent to Professor Dumbledore right away and then sent to the Ministry for further testing. They are always looking for students who should be sent for further schooling in potions and, I am sorry to say, we haven't had any prospects for almost eleven years. This is the first potion I will have sent them since that time. I needed a name to attach to it and I wanted to be certain to attach the correct one."

Hermione was stunned at what she was hearing. She had brewed a near perfect potion! One so near perfect that it was being sent to the Ministry for further evaluation! Her parents were going to be so proud, if they even understood. As she began to process the information, she realized that Snape was being almost civil towards her. This realization stunned her more than the near perfect potion! Snape had never been anything but rude, demeaning, demanding, and difficult to her the entire seven years she had been at Hogwarts! The last few weeks had only caused him to get worse, not better. She had caught him in a compromising position with Misten, caught by her swearing at a student, and she had discovered that he had done something vile to a student when he was in school. However, he had caught her in bed with Draco and had not received an explanation, as far as she could tell, which explained his snarky comment to Draco earlier.

"Miss Granger, you should expect to hear from Professor Dumbledore regarding the potion later in the week. You are allowed to go," Snape said waiving a hand dismissively at the students.

Hermione quickly gathered her things but noticed that Draco did not. He did not seem in any hurry to leave the Potion's classrooms. Hermione felt disappointed because she wanted to celebrate with him. She turned as she was leaving the room to see if she could catch his eye, but he was busy looking at something on one of the desks, so she left, alone. She decided to search out Ron, Harry and Misten and tell them her great news.

~*~

After lunch, Hermione returned to the common room to do revisions, hoping to find Draco doing the same. He was nowhere to be found. She made herself comfortable on the couch and began the task of writing a Transfiguration essay.

Three words into the essay and Hermione's mind stared wandering. She couldn't help but think of Draco. Draco and the kiss on that very couch last night. Draco and the gentle way he wiped her mouth this morning before kissing her again. Draco and the way he had tried to explain that morning that she was special before she loused it up, again!

Hermione decided that she had a talent for screwing up her own life. She really ought to market her skills at fucking up, because she actually had a gift for it.

Once again, Hermione began to wonder what personality trait she honed in herself that attracted sadistic, depressing homicidal maniacs? First Harry and all his You-know-Who dramas, and Ron with his 'I am a temperamental, stereotypical redhead and I am going to blow a gasket every time something doesn't go the exact way I plan!' Now she was attracted...deeply attracted...to Draco Malfoy, the KING of the selfish, sardonic, egotistical pigheaded males that ruled the Wizard World.

The trouble was, she didn't want to change it. She liked being attracted to him. She liked kissing him. She liked wanting him.

'Do I crave some attention to be needed? Do I have some desire to be emotionally wanted? Am I sick or is this normal?' she wondered as she lay down on the couch to watch the flames jumping in the hearth.

'Sometimes, I wish I could open up my own head and let myself out. It's like I am stuck in this little prison of thought, pain, and destruction. I think if I could get out and go for a walk once in a while I might be okay,' she thought with a depressed sigh.

Slowly, Hermione found herself drifting to sleep.

~*~

When she awoke, it was time for dinner. Hermione wandered into the Great Hall and looked for her roommate, but he was not at his usual table.

Misten, Seamus, Neville, Ron and Harry had saved her a seat and she ate among friends. Hermione was grateful to be surrounded by people who cared about her, even if she sometimes had trouble caring about herself.

She wandered back to her common room; well aware that she and Draco were supposed to do rounds together that evening. She walked into the lavatory and splashed some water on her face when she heard a strange sound.

'Voices. I hear voices coming from Malfoy's room. This is like déjà vu. When has this happened before?' she thought.

Sneaking over to his door, Hermione heard the voices chattering and then she heard a noise that caused her eyes to widen with horror as she realized what, exactly, she was hearing.

'Oh Gods! Malfoy is having sex! Malfoy is having SEX IN THE NEXT ROOM! This is JUST LIKE LAST TIME!' Hermione thought, but this time she had a sinking feeling that had not been present the last time. If Draco was having sex, it meant he did not care for her at all. It meant that she had screwed up royally and had given a part of her heart away to someone that obviously wasn't going to treat it with respect.

'Well, what did you expect,' she thought. 'Did you think that after all he has been though, all that he has been taught, all that he has told you, that he could care for you?' But the answer was yes. She had thought that. She had thought that Draco Malfoy had changed for the better and that she was going to get the chance to love and be loved by him.

How could she have been so stupid? How could she have been so naïve? How could she have given her heart to someone so cruel, so calculating, so callous? Why hadn't she listened to him when he had said that he couldn't care for her; that she needed to get out? Who was in his bed with him at that moment that was making him feel better than Hermione ever could? Why hadn't Draco given her the chance to try?

Was she supposed to just go and do rounds without him? Why was it her responsibility to cover rounds while some nameless whore shagged him? At least Hermione hoped she was nameless. Who was she? Was it Millicent? Had they decided to party over the potion without her? Was it Pansy? She always was a slut. Was it someone else? Who could it be?

Hermione wondered if she should pound on Draco's door and remind him of his responsibilities? Hermione found herself wandering over to his door to do just that when her mind caught up with her actions and she chickened out. What would she say?

Hermione felt awful. She felt like her best friend had died and her puppy had been run over all in the same day. She knew she was going to cry and she knew it wasn't going to be pretty. Part of her wanted to go and get Misten so she'd have a friend's shoulder to cry on, but she would have to admit out loud how disgraced she was and that was just too humiliating.

However, Hermione went from humiliated to irritated in short form when she heard the next noises coming from Draco's room. She practically ran to her bed when she heard a loud "OH, GOD, Right there. That feels wonderful! Please, harder, please! YES! YES! YES!"