Seventeen Severi, or A Splitting Headache

"Bollocks!" Snape cursed loudly amidst the brown smoke. "Not again!"

"Intriguing," said his doppelganger. "Do you make a habit of this?"

"Not as such," replied Snape wearily.

"It's that damned Lupin and his damned Wolfsbane potion, isn't it?" his doppelganger spat.

"It's not truly Lupin's fault," Snape replied. "Allergy to Fox's Clote is a fairly rare condition."

"Maybe you should try using a handkerchief?"

Snape wrinkled his large nose. "Handkerchiefs are breeding grounds for bacteria."

"What about those Muggle ones they make from paper?"

"Oh, excellent," said Snape. "I want to put paper on my nose."

"Well then, use your sleeve!" said Snape's doppelganger. "If you didn't go around dripping your bodily fluids everywhere we wouldn't be in this mess."

"I know!" said Snape. "I don't normally have this problem, it's the bloody Fox's Clote!" He, unwisely, lifted the bowl of powdered seeds for emphasis.

His doppelganger sneezed. Into the cauldron.

When the brown smoke cleared, a third Snape raised an eyebrow. "What's all this, then?" he inquired.

"You bastard!" shouted Snape's first doppelganger, launching himself at Snape. "Why would you do that?"

"Gaccchh!" replied Snape as his doppelganger strangled him. "Didn't, accch mean-" he managed to choke out before his elbow hit the bowl of Fox's Clote, sending a cloud of powder into the air.

***

"Well, that was fun," said a Snape. The room was thick with brown smoke and Snape's doubles... triples... septuples... he couldn't count them with all the smoke and moving around. Then both began to dissipate as the door opened.

"Hey!" the original Snape shouted. "You can't leave!"

"Try and stop me!" came the shout.

Snape pushed his way through a crowd of himself and out into the corridor. He ran after a pair of black cloaks, grabbing them both before they could round the corner.

"And just where do you thing you're going?" he demanded.

"To the root of the problem," said one of them, a deep scowl on his face.

"And that would be?" demanded Snape.

"The werewolf of course," replied the doppelganger.

"To do what, specifically?" asked Snape.

"Isn't it obvious? Eliminate the werewolf and you eliminate the need for the potion, which eliminates the need for the Fox's Clote, which eliminates this abomination!"

The second doppelganger looked shocked. "That's not what I thought we were going to do to him! Really now!"

"I don't need your help," said the scowling doppelganger. He tried to run up the corridor, but Snape pulled out his wand and stunned him. He shrunk him and deposited him into a large pocket.

Snape turned on the other double, who held up his hands. "So you are the original. You've got the wand."

"And you were expecting to kill Lupin with your bare hands?" asked Snape.

"No, no," replied his doppelganger, grinning lasciviously. "I have much better ideas of what to do with Remus and my bare hands."

"What?" shrieked Snape. "That's patently ridiculous."

"Come now, Severus," his double cooed. "We're all a part of you, every one of us. Each a fragment of your personality. That bloke there that wanted to murder Remus was shockingly strong, I must say, but you know that somewhere deep inside you want to bugger Remus silly."

"I do not!" squealed Snape as the door flew open with a bang.

Two Snapes rolled out, wrestling with each other and shouting.

"Kill Potter!" one shouted.

"No! Fuck Potter!" the other replied, punching the first one in the nose.

A meek Snape followed them, fiddling with the cuffs of his robes as he whined, "Can't we just buy the poor boy some flowers? Oooh, I bet he likes lilies!"

Snapes began to pour out the door behind them. "Oh hell," said Snape, running towards them, firing off stunning spells.

***

Inside the room, a few Snapes remained. There was a group sitting on his desk smoking some of his potions ingredients and laughing uproariously. In the corner, Snape shuddered, two of them had shucked their clothes and were busy shagging. It was not something Snape had ever wanted to see. Snape stunned and shrunk them all and tossed them into a large jar.

"Miserable bloody Wolfsbane," muttered Snape, sitting down wearily at his desk. He picked up the still smouldering cigarette that his doppelgangers had rolled and sucked in a lungful. Shit! He butted the cigarette out quickly, hoping they hadn't smoked all of that particular ingredient. He was going to need it in the potion that would reverse all this mess. And it was expensive.

Checking his stores, Snape was glad to find enough of all the ingredients necessary for that particular potion. He set them out and began his second complex potion of the day, thankful that this one didn't involve any Fox's Clote.

When the potion came to a boil, Snape sat back down at his desk. The tiny Snapes in the jar were coming around, and he was distressed to see two of them going at it again. He tapped the jar in a failed effort to dissuade them.

There were fourteen doppelgangers in the jar. Snape had never heard of anyone being split that many times, surely it wasn't very good for one's health. The pounding in his head echoed that statement.

Sighing, he reached into the jar and pulled out two of the mini-Snapes. One of them had a broken nose; he must be the one who wanted to kill Potter. Snape tossed him in the cauldron and felt an intense flood of hatred for Potter course through him.

He quickly grabbed handfuls of the little men and threw them into the potion, hoping to find the part of his personality that kept him from murdering Harry Potter. He knew the urge to kill Harry reared its head every time the brat was around, and if he didn't find the part that counteracted that Dumbledore wouldn't be impressed with him. As he emptied the jar, Snape began to feel more and more complete.

Finally, only the two shagging Snapes were left. Snape contemplated squishing them under his heel, but he remembered he enjoyed wanking and he supposed these two might be involved in that.

The jar emptied, Snape sat back down. Now to begin the laborious process that was the Wolfsbane potion all over again. Damn Lupin, he thought reflexively before he realized he didn't mean it. He thought about Lupin, horrifically discovering he didn't hate the man at all. That was certainly not normal. His hand flew to his pocket only to discover the button undone.

No! He'd let a murderous Snapelet loose in the castle. Snape bolted from the room, only to trip over Draco Malfoy in the corridor.

"Professor?" Draco asked, looking at him strangely.

"Did you happen to see... er..." Snape paused, wondering how to phrase it properly.

"I take it things didn't work out as well as you'd hoped?" Draco smirked.

"What didn't work out?" snapped Snape irritatedly.

"You know," said Draco, winking. "With Professor Lupin?" Bloody hell, the brat had run into him.

"I had you unshrink me as I'd lost my wand, correct?" he asked Draco.

"No," replied Draco. "You had me levitate you up to Professor Lupin's window so you could warble some god-awful poetry at him. He let you in, but if you're down here already he either tossed you out or you have some serious performance issues."

Oh hell, there were two of them left. "You didn't see a really small, uh... me, did you?" asked Snape.

"Professor, are you okay?" Draco asked. "What's going on?"

"Nothing's going on," said Snape. "I'm fine. Just forget it. All of it! Tell no one what I asked you to do today or I'll have your balls for bookends, Malfoy!"

"Okay," said Draco, looking bewildered at Snape as he tore off down the corridor.

Lupin's quarters. That's where one of them was, and the other one was heading. Snape loudly cursed that Apparition was forbidden in the castle, causing a painting of girls dancing around a maypole to shriek.

When he finally arrived at Lupin's door, he was surprised by the calm. There were no explosions, no screaming. He'd expected some sort of devastation. If the shrinking charm hadn't worn off the little murderous one, though, he might not have arrived yet. But the amorous one had arrived, he knew that. Snape could only hope Lupin had tossed him out on his ear.

Snape listened at the door and heard two voices, one definitely his. He cringed, but it seemed the two were only talking. It should be safe, he decided, opening the door and entering the room.

It was worse than he'd thought. His wand clattered to the floor. There they were, lying in Lupin's bed, naked and snuggling! Lupin looked up as Snape made a choked noise in the back of his throat.

"Severus?" Lupin asked, looking back and forth between the two. "Oh, no. Not the doppelganger effect with the Wolfsbane?"

"Yes, unfortunately," Snape replied. "Things got a little out of hand this time, I apologize."

"No need to apologize," Snape's doppelganger smirked, running his hand up Lupin's thigh. "Remus enjoyed himself quite thoroughly."

Lupin pushed the doppelganger's hand away and sat up, drawing the blanket around him. "I'm sorry Severus, I had no idea. I thought it was you, not some unrestrained personality fragment."

"It's my own fault for allowing him to escape," said Snape.

"I'm sure he's only a very small part anyway," said Lupin, flushing slightly.

"Hey! Did I feel small to you?" the doppelganger shouted from the bed.

"Avada-" there was a small but fierce shriek and Snape looked down to see a tiny Snape gripping his wand with both hands and pointing it directly at Lupin.

"Shite!" Snape shouted, bringing his heel down on the tiny man. There was a sickening crunch and a snap and Snape closed his eyes. He didn't want to look.

"Oooh, you've squished him!" his doppelganger said. "That was him, wasn't it! That was the bit that hates Remus, and you've squished him!"

Snape lifted his boot to discover a small pile of ash beneath his foot, and two halves of his wand.

"Bugger," he said, staring at the mess. Snape bent down, fingering the pile of ashes. "Years of carefully collected hatred, all for naught," he said.

"I love you," the doppelganger said, wrapping his arms around Remus. "And now he loves you too!"

"I do not," said Snape. "You love him. I don't feel anything for Lupin. And that's how it's going to remain, because I am going to kill you too!" Snape launched himself at his doppelganger who jumped lithely out of the way.

"You won't have the chance," taunted his doppelganger. "I know which potion you've brewed now, and I'm going back!" He ran, still naked, out the door.

"Nooo!" shouted Snape, starting after him. Suddenly he tripped and fell flat on his arse. He looked up to Lupin's blank face.

"So sorry about that Severus," he said. "My mistake. Let me help you up." Lupin extended his hand slowly, but Snape growled and pushed it aside.

He ran down the corridors after his nude doppelganger, following the trail of saucer-sized eyes. His door was still open when he arrived, but it was too late. His doppelganger waved as he sat, dissolving, in the cauldron.

Snape slunk, defeated, to his desk. He rolled up more of that expensive potions ingredient as he felt his heart swell with love.

Lupin. It couldn't be that bad, really. Sure, the man was a werewolf, but he was a damn sexy one.

On cue, Lupin entered the room, shutting the door behind him.

"So, did you catch him, Severus?" Lupin walked up to Snape's desk.

"No," replied Snape. "No thanks to you." He put the cigarette to his lips and fumbled for his wand. Lupin drew his wand and lit the cigarette for him.

"As I said before, I'm terribly sorry about that," said Lupin. He plucked the cigarette from Snape's fingers as Snape exhaled and took a drag on it.

"No," said Snape, grinning. "No, you're not."

**fin**