I am NOT gay!

Stupid idiots. All of them-thinking that I'm gay. Tell me, why is it whenever anyone hears the name 'Seamus Finnigan', the first thing they come up with is "Oh, he's gay, isn't he?" Has anyone EVER considered the fact that I might not be gay? I could be heterosexual! What am I saying? I AM HETEROSEXUAL! I'm straight as an arrow, thank you very much!

That's one side of the Quidditch pitch I do not play. I'll leave all the homosexual shagging to Potter (that traitor) and Malfoy...I never would have guessed that all of the bickering was just unresolved sexual tension. I think Potter actually tried to hit on me the other day, after he and Malfoy had a massive row. He cornered me after Transfiguration and had the NERVE to try and talk to me about broomsticks. Oh, the horrible innuendo! It went like this:

"Oh. Hey Seamus. I hear you're pretty good with a broomstick...wanna try my Firebolt? You must score a lot, being a chaser and all, but my Firebolt will help you score even more."

"What?!"

"Let's play Quidditch." Pause. Wink. "Show me your golden snitches. I'm a very good seeker you know."

"Erm-are you feeling well? Would you like me to call Madam Pomfrey?"

"No. That's all right." Another pause. Another wink. "Seekers can score too, Seamus. Owl me if you ever want to practice Quidditch."

One word. Ewww. At least he didn't ask me to call him Sex Bunny.

But that's okay, as long as I have the support of my family and friends, right? No. Wrong. My mother, upon hearing those awful rumors, decided to throw me a 'coming out of the closet' party, and kept insisting that I try a relationship with Dean! And Dean! He's my best friend, and he believes the rumors too! Just yesterday, he insisted that I go with him to meet some "nice, handsome blokes."

I am NOT gay! Deal with it. I will prove it to you-to all of you! I'll actually go snog a girl senseless right now. Right now! And lucky for all of you who have come to watch, I know where a certain girl ALWAYS lurks. The library is her haven. Who is she? Hermione Granger, of course. I navigate my way out of the common room-past the statue of Boris the Bewildered-aha! The library! She's sitting at her usual table, surrounded by piles of thick books.

"Hello, Hermione." My sexy Irish accent has always had an okay effect. Okay, so it was on Potter, but he's a girl by default, right?

"Hi, Seamus. How've you been?" She smiles warmly at me. I look at her clothes...very nice outfit. That plaid skirt goes very well with her cream cashmere sweater, but she ought to have a barrette to accessorize. Her hair would look so great pulled back into a bun, and-hey! What the hell's wrong with me? I'm supposed to be snogging her! Oh, bloody hell! I didn't even try to look down her shirt! What if I really am-no! I couldn't be!

Okay, just kiss her, Seamus. Just pucker up and-oh god, I can't! I can't do it! Merlin's beard! I am gay! I am gay! I can't believe I am gay! I bolt for the library door. I'm trying to get as far away from Hermione as possible. After a few minutes, I stop to think a bit....I wonder if mum'll still let me throw my 'coming out of the closet' party; I should invite Potter and Malfoy....I heard that Finch-Fletchley guy was queer too. And maybe I should go ask Dean about those "nice, handsome blokes."