Shampoo

Chapter Four - Hermione's Chart

Harry Potter was not happy. First, his arch-nemesis Snape... Well, not his arch-nemesis, since that was Voldemort. Not really his nemesis, either, since Malfoy generally claimed that title. He supposed that left Snape a distant third on the nemesis scale. Sort of a semi-nemesis. Anyway, first his semi-nemesis Snape had turned into some sort of wildly popular icon of feminine lust; next Hermione (who knew she even had those types of feelings?) began to pant after the horrible Slytherin professor; and then to top it off she was caught inches from snogging--snogging!--Draco Malfoy! What would be next? Seducing Voldemort?

Hermione ignored him when she entered the Gryffindor common room shortly before dinner and sat on a couch before the fire with a book and quill. He watched her without speaking for a long time until she finally turned to him with her lips set in a firm line.

"You don't plan to shout at me again, do you?"

"No. Just wondering what is up with all the Slytherins lately," he said mildly. "You seem to have some sort of fixation."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "For your information, I am performing a scientific study."

The crushing relief Harry felt at those words was almost indescribable. He felt like laughing at the liberation of his fears. Of course! A scientific study! That was so much more... Hermione than what he'd been thinking.

"Oh thank God. I seriously thought you had a thing for Malfoy there for a minute..."

Hermione sniffed. "Surely not. I'm simply doing a study on kissing."

Harry's relief seized up into a frozen knot.

"K... kissing?"

"Yes. I'm making a chart of which boys are the best kissers, cross-referenced by age, hair and eye color, House, and a few other factors."

Harry coughed for a moment until he found his voice.

"How are you conducting this... research?"

"By snogging every single male in the building, of course. How else am I supposed to acquire the data? Word of mouth?" Her own words struck her as funny and she started to giggle. "Word of mouth."

Harry did not find it even a trifle funny. He scowled.

"Every male? Even... ewwww, not even Filch?"

"Every male. Frankly, I have high hopes for Filch since he's likely completely repressed his every sexual impulse since God knows when and once those floodgates are released... Well, I plan to be prepared for anything that day, let me tell you."

"I'll pretend you never mentioned that particular thought process. Why did you decide to start with Slytherin? What's wrong with us Gryffindors?"

Hermione looked at him coolly.

"Are you volunteering?"

Harry was instantly red. He jabbered incoherently for a moment until Hermione sighed and scooted over to sit next to him.

"Very well, then," she said. "Let's see what you've got."

Harry was expecting a sweet, somewhat sisterly, experimental kiss, but apparently that wasn't what Hermione had in mind at all. If the Dursleys' had ever sprung for fillings for Harry's teeth, he felt sure they would have been gone after Hermione's mind-blowing kiss. After about eight seconds, he forgot all thought of resistance and let his arms slide around Hermione's waist. She was doing something quite extraordinary with her tongue that was making fireworks shoot off in his brain. Her hands were making his hair messier than usual. He suddenly remembered this was a test and he sure as hell didn't plan on coming in second to Malfoy! He turned Hermione's own tricks on her and used his imagination to come up with a few more.

Twenty minutes later, they were on the floor of the Gryffindor common room and somehow Harry's shirt was missing when Ginny Weasley screamed as though Voldemort had appeared. Harry released his liplock on Hermione and looked up dazedly.

"How could you?" Ginny demanded and burst into tears. Harry wasn't certain whether she was talking to him or Hermione, but she fled to her room before the question could be asked.

Hermione sighed and pushed Harry away before climbing to her feet shakily.

"Top marks, Harry," she said with a throaty chuckle. She looked over at Colin Creevey, who had been sitting almost invisibly in a nearby chair the whole time.

"You're next, Creevey," Hermione said in a husky voice. Colin gave a terrified squeak and bolted for the boy's dorm. Hermione burst out laughing.

"Maybe next time."

Harry wondered for the briefest moment if it really was Hermione or if one of the Slytherin girls had Polyjuiced herself into Hermione's likeness. He tested the theory.

"What's the incantation for that Evanesco spell, again?"

Hermione was instantly business. She yanked her wand out. "Honestly, Harry, I've shown this to you sixteen times already. Sometimes I think you and Ron--"

Harry breathed a sigh of relief and listened half-heartedly to her explanation, glad that the Kissing Machine was gone and his good old chum was back. Although the next time he found himself hanging out under an invisibility cloak with Hermione waiting for someone to show up and kill a hippogriff, he'd put the time to much better use than previously... He felt rather warm just thinking about it.

"I'd better go find Ron," he said hoarsely.

"Good. Tell him he's next since Creevey bailed."

Harry hurried to the portrait hole.

"Harry?" Hermione called before he departed. He turned to look at her. His shirt dangled from her fingertips.

"You might want this."

Harry went back and took his shirt. As he shrugged into it he asked, "Did you really snog Professor Snape? I heard a rumor..."

Hermione smiled slightly and an odd faraway look glazed over her brown eyes. She sighed deeply.

"Ahem!" she said and straightened. "That's confidential, Harry. Afraid I can't disclose anything relating to my research. Run along, now. See you at supper."

She turned and headed for the girl's dormitory while humming a happy song. Harry tried to drag a hand through his hair, but it was helplessly tangled. He gave up and reflected that the one girl he thought he knew had turned out to be just like the rest of them. A frightening, perplexing mystery.