Shampoo

Author note: My deepest apologies for Hermione's behavior. I know it's terribly OOC but I'm just having too much fun with this!

Chapter Three - Narcissa Visits

Harry frowned at the letter that had come by an anonymous school owl. His frown deepened as he read and his eyes narrowed to bare slits.

"Is this some sort of joke?" he muttered and cast a glare across the table at Hermione, who had finished eating and was drawing little hearts on her notebook with little Ss in them. Harry's gaze sharpened. Or were those little snakes?

"So Hermione," Harry said in his usual tactful manner, "Been seeing any Slytherins lately?"

Ron, next to him, choked on his pumpkin juice and stared at Harry.

"What are you talking about?" Hermione demanded. Harry threw the letter at her. Her eyes narrowed as she read it.

"Surely, you're not going to believe this drivel?" she said.

"I don't know. I haven't seen you fighting with Malfoy much, lately."

As if on cue, a pea splattered against Hermione's temple from its launching pad of Draco Malfoy's spoon. Hermione glared over at the Slytherin table and absently wiped the pea remnants from her face while Draco smirked.

"Oh really?" she asked pointedly.

"Well, maybe you don't have the hots for Malfoy, but--" Harry broke off as silence descended the room, which was quickly broken by sighs bursting from the throats of dozens of girls as Professor Snape crossed the room to the teacher's table. Harry glared at Snape as he walked by and then returned his attention to Hermione. To his surprise, Hermione was also making calf-eyes at Snape's back.

"NOT YOU, TOO?" Harry yelled. Half the room turned to gape at him. He was used to that sort of behavior, though, and ignored it.

Hermione glared at him and hissed, "You don't need to shout!"

"Tell me you and... and Snape have not... oh I can't even think it, much less put it into words!"

"Then get your mind out of the gutter and stop thinking it!"

"Fine," Harry snapped. "But I'll be watching you!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and went back to doodling on her notebook. Ron looked from one to the other with his usual expression of wondering what the hell was going on.

Snape looked forward to his meeting with Narcissa Malfoy. He brushed his raven hair vigorously until it gleamed. He looked at himself critically in the mirror. Hmmm. His usual black robes just didn't do justice to his fabulous hair. He stalked to the wardrobe and flipped through Dumbledore's many years of Christmas gifts. He pulled out the deep green robes with silver pinstripes. Actually, it was rather stylish...

Minutes later, Snape admired himself in the mirror. Maybe that bumbling fool Dumbledore wasn't quite as dumb as he appeared. He had a fabulous eye for fashion, apparently. The green robes looked splendid on Snape and fit him magnificently.

Snape answered the knock on his office door a short time later. The stunningly beautiful Narcissa Malfoy stepped inside, escorted by McGonagall, who looked as though she had eaten a bag of lemons. She glared at Narcissa with something akin to hatred.

"That will be all, Minerva," Snape said dryly. McGonagall's eyes moved to Snape and widened in shock before getting that freaky faraway look Snape had learned to avoid. He dragged Narcissa farther into the room and slammed the door on McGonagall.

"Severus?" Narcissa asked, staring at him in rather the same fashion as Minerva.

Snape smiled in what he hoped was a charming manner.

"Do come in, Mrs. Black," he said formally and escorted her to a nearby loveseat he had brought in for this particular occasion.

"Please, call me Cissy," she replied as her eyes took in Snape's appearance. "I'm sorry, but you look so different than usual..."

Snape chuckled and sat next to her. His knee brushed casually against hers as he settled into the cushions.

"Yes, I've been told. I have an appointment with someone from Witch Weekly next week. They're doing some sort of ridiculous story about the Most Eligible Teacher or some such nonsense. But you don't want to hear about my troubles."

Narcissa shook her head and her pale hair swung about nearly as buoyantly as Snape's. He wondered what sort of shampoo she used...

"No, I'm here about Draco. Your note said there had been some trouble..."

Snape noticed a fine tint of pink touching Narcissa's cheeks and he grinned widely. Here was a worthy conquest. Not only was she his age, but she was also gorgeous and dreadfully married to that pompous, overbearing, egocentric bastard Lucius Malfoy... He would bet good gold that Narcissa had a large list of reasons to get even with her husband. Snape wasn't above being casually used for revenge.

"Are you happy, Narcissa?" he asked softly, moving in for the kill. As he asked, he leaned toward her conspiratorially.

Narcissa's blush deepened.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I know that Lucius is always busy making money and weaving plots and rushing about on business for You-Know-Who... I'll bet he leaves you alone far too often. A woman of your rare beauty and intense passion should not be ignored. Cissy, if you were mine, we would never leave the bedchamber!"

She gasped and Snape would have given himself a congratulatory sock on the bicep if she hadn't been in the room. He had boned up quite heavily on romantic drivel by skimming a number of torrid romance stories he'd filched from McGonagall's room after he'd sent her on a lengthy mission to fetch him a potion ingredient from Uzbekistan. It had taken her three days. Three days of peace in which Snape had vowed to send her off again... perhaps to New Zealand this time, or darkest Africa...

He dragged himself back to the present and swooped down upon Narcissa like a bird of prey. He devoured her pouty lips and drank deeply of her nectar, half-expecting a brutal shove and the flare of a Cruciatus curse, but there was no resistance. Wonder of wonders, it seemed Lucius had been ignoring Narcissa after all. Stupid, stupid man.

Hermione was about to knock on the door to Snape's office when Draco Malfoy bolted through it and knocked her straight on her backside. He sprawled over her and the door clicked shut behind him. She stared up into Draco's face, shocked to find a stricken expression darkening his grey eyes. He didn't have a snarl on his lips, nor did he even seem to recognize her.

He rolled absently off of Hermione and curled into a ball with his arms clasped tightly over his drawn-up knees. He stared into an unseen distance and rocked softly.

"My God," she heard him say over and over. He seemed to be in shock bordering on catatonia. She crawled to him and surprised herself by putting a hand on his trembling shoulder.

"Malfoy! What's wrong?"

He buried his head on his knees and shuddered.

"My father... oh my father is going to kill kill kill kill..."

"Not to be obvious, but isn't that kind of... what your father does, Draco?" Hermione asked gently.

He raised his head to stare at her venomously.

"He kills mudbloods and Muggle-lovers, not his own wife!" Draco snapped. "At least, not yet, but he will when he finds out..."

Hermione cast a suspicious glance at Snape's closed door.

"Are you saying--"

"My mother and Severus Snape!" Draco confirmed hoarsely.

"That two-timing bastard!" Hermione shrieked. Draco actually gaped at her, the first time she could recall seeing that expression on his handsome face.

"Are you saying--"

She glared at Draco.

"Snape is dead-sexy now, you know, ever since he started washing his hair although right now I'd bloody well like to kill whomever got him started down that path now that he's turned into a hedonistic--"

"It was me," Draco choked.

"What?"

"Me. I sent Snape shampoo for Christmas. Anonymously. Frankly, he was a bloody embarrassment to the whole of Slytherin House with his greasy hair and insistence on constantly wearing black, which is the worst possible thing you can wear if you have dandruff, which of course he had, so..." Draco trailed off.

Hermione sighed, surprised at her sudden rush of sympathy. Draco's act of... well, it certainly hadn't been kindness... self-serving outrage?... had sprung round to bite him on the ass most sharply.

"You meant well," Hermione said softly. She leaned forward on impulse and sniffed at Draco's hair. It smelled exactly like Snape's! She looked at him critically while he stared at her guardedly. "You know, Malfoy, if you left some of that goo out of your hair and stopped trying to look like some slick 50s gangster..."

She thrust her hands into Draco's hair and began to muss it vigorously, ignoring his flailing hands and yelps of protest. When finished, she sat back and examined him analytically.

"Draco Malfoy," she purred. "With your hair mussed about like that... You really are quite stunningly gorgeous! How could I not have noticed before?" She slid her hands back into his luminous white blonde hair and clamped her lips onto his before he could escape. He thrashed like an impaled shark for a moment, but gradually relaxed under her passionate onslaught. Before long, his hands had crept up to encircle her body and within fifteen minutes they were rolling on the floor like crazed animals, tearing at each other's clothing.

Hermione had just succeeded in ripping the last button from Draco's confining shirt when a shriek interrupted her.

"My own son! And a filthy filthy mudblood!"

Hermione detached her lips from Draco's and looked over her shoulder at Narcissa Malfoy who, while beautiful, was looking decidedly rumpled.

Draco glared at his mother.

"You're a fine one to talk!" he yelled. "Carrying on with Snape, of all people! Wait until father finds out!"

Narcissa fairly crackled with rage.

"Wait until he finds out about your little mudblood girlfriend!" she threatened.

Draco pushed Hermione away and sprang to his feet.

"He won't care about that after he hears about you! And I'm telling him right now!"

"Not if I get to an owl first!" Narcissa shrieked and the two pale-haired Malfoys bolted down the hallway. Draco had a sizeable lead until Narcissa began to shoot curses at him. Green beams of light began blasting through the halls of Hogwarts. Hermione lay on her stomach on the cold floor and braced her chin with her palms as she watched them flee.

"What the hell does a girl have to do to find love around here?" she asked with a sigh.

"You can't find love in the whole of Gryffindor?" Snape asked dryly behind her.

Hermione rolled onto her back to look up at him.

"Are you kidding? Gryffindors are so bloody noble they go pray for an hour after a good snog session in order to beg forgiveness. I swear, I thought Seamus Finnegan was going to have an actual heart attack when he accidentally touched my breast with his arm in the hall. If he had actually gripped it, I believe he would have fainted dead away." She snorted in disgust. "The only ones bold enough to do anything even remotely naughty are in Slytherin, but most of them are utterly grotesque..."

"Except Malfoy."

Hermione pushed herself to her feet.

"Hmmmm, yes, Draco has potential. But he's not nearly as knowledgeable and creative and worldly as you, dear Severus..." She stepped close to him and gazed into his face with lips pursed eagerly. She shut her eyes.

She snapped them open again to the slamming of Snape's door and the sound of multiple locks being thrown.

Men. Damn the lot of them!

Hermione stalked after the Malfoys.

She was crossing the foyer when she spotted Draco sitting dejectedly on the stone steps. She sat down beside him.

"You mother won?" she asked sympathetically.

"No, we decided on a truce," Draco grumped. "I won't tell father about her little fling with--" Draco shuddered, "Snape. And she won't tell father about... you... and whatever we happened to be doing back there."

She glanced sidelong at him.

"You know, your hair is still deliciously messed up," she said softly. His grey eyes met hers sardonically. She was about to lean over and continue their snog session, regardless of who might be watching, when an ear-splitting shriek brought her to her feet in panic.

Harry stood at the bottom of the steps staring at her in sheer horror.

"YOU WERE NOT ABOUT TO KISS DRACO MALFOY!" he bellowed.

"Damn it, Harry, can you tone it down? I swear if I hang around you another three days I'll have permanent hearing damage."

"You obviously have permanent mental damage now!" he yelled a tiny bit quieter. "What are you doing?"

Draco looked up at her curiously with that annoying little smirk he had relocated from wherever he'd put it for the past while. He obviously enjoyed her discomfiture.

"Well, you see, Draco here--"

"SO IT'S DRACO NOW?" Harry screamed. "NOT MALFOY?"

Hermione rubbed her aching temples.

"I need to go lie down. Alone, apparently," she snapped. She turned and stalked off to the Gryffindor common room with Harry trailing her shrieking like a fishwife. She finally escaped him by seeking her own bed in the girl's dormitory.