Harry Potter and the Eye of Isis

Chapter 23 - One More Escape

May 26, 1997

'Volo stipatio.'

Blue particles enveloped the six bodies and they all quickly dissolved from the Queens Chamber...landing with a very strong thud in Snape's dungeon. The force of their landing was so monstrous that it shook the walls; breaking vials and spilling cauldrons in the process.

No sooner did they arrive than the office door was thrown open revealing a very frantic looking Remus Lupin. "Harry!" he shouted in desperation. "Where is he?"

"He's here," Snape said as he stood among the limbs and carnage. "He's alive," he clarified.

Lupin looked nearly ready to cry with relief when he noticed Molly Weasley lying completely motionless on the ground. He opened his mouth to inquire about her condition but instead of his voice drifting from his mouth, two female gasps filled the room. He looked behind him to see that Hermione and Parvati had followed him into the office. After looking over the piles of bodies, Hermione made eye contact with Harry as he say up.

Harry didn't acknowledge his best friend or his girl friend as he shoved the limp body of his aunt away from him and lifted himself to his knees. Only one thought occupied his mind as he crawled his way towards Mrs. Weasley's body. He hadn't allowed himself to fully realise all that had happened in Egypt just moments ago, but seeing her lifeless made the tears come rushing to his eyes as the moment of her death flashed in his mind again. Clearly, the blood within her body had ceased pumping, as her cheeks were the whitest shade of pale Harry had ever seen and no warmth emanated from her skin as he scooped her up into his arms. The horror of the moment dawned as her head sagged from side to side because of his movements.

"No." Harry ran a hand up the back of her head and into her hair so that he could clutch her to his chest. "No." It was the only word he could manage past his sobs.

Harry felt his world spinning out of control. This was becoming more than he could handle, and more than he wanted to deal with. He couldn't explain the pain he was suddenly aware of as if nothing else existed in the world. His mind throbbed and that hopeless feeling began to swell around him leaving him without a notion of how to control it or numb it. This pain was quickly becoming more than he could bend his mind around; he felt his emotions spiralling out of control. It was too much for him to contain. He released a horrific scream, making everyone in the room cover their ears in order to shield themselves from Harry's despair. He finally released Mrs. Weasley's body and bolted from the room, leaving at a speed that caused a swirling wind in the office.

He hit the door to the dungeons so hard upon exiting that it broke off of the hinges falling to the ground with a great thud. Harry spun off of it as it fell and continued his flight. He had no idea where he was going; he only knew that he must get away from everyone if he had any chance of coming to terms with Mrs. Weasley's death, and if he had any hope of placing his grip back around reality.

When he reached the North Tower, he climbed out of the window and scaled the stone wall until he made it to the roof. There he sat with his head buried in his tear-soaked hands. His body convulsed with each silent sob as anger and misery mixed within him. He had promised Ginny he'd bring her mum home. He never meant Mrs. Weasley to be dead the next time her children saw her. How was he going to face Ginny after clearly breaking his word? How was he going to face Ron or any of the Weasleys?

Dobby, Harry heard Dumbledore's voice in his mind as the headmaster spoke to his elf. Will you get Harry for me?

"No, Dobby," Harry said aloud as he focused on the small elf in such a compromising position. "You may not tell him where I am."

Dobby has been ordered to disobey the Headmaster. He said in a quivering voice. Master is not letting Dobby respond to Headmaster.

Dobby, it is imperative that I--

Dobby is being sorry, he told Dumbledore as he raised his hand and snapped his fingers, disappearing.

Dobby arrived at Harry's side and he quickly latched onto Harry out of fear of falling off the tower. "Thanks," Harry smiled very weakly at Dobby as he let him sit in his lap. "I can't talk to anyone right now."

"Dobby is understanding, Master."

Dobby sat quietly as Harry cried and thought of what he should do next. He had no idea what was to come now and he couldn't imagine a future suddenly. The prophecy began repeating itself over and over in his head and Harry couldn't help but wonder how he was truly meant to fulfil it. Was he meant to kill Voldemort? Or was he simply meant to die? He certainly was good at spreading death around. The memory that the Dementors had uncovered of his mother dying began playing itself in his head. Then Cedric's image flashed before Harry, and soon, Sirius falling through the veil was added. And finally, Mrs. Weasley's death joined the jumble of images and words. The static in his mind hurt so badly, all he could do was cover his ears to try and dull the screaming inside of his mind.

"Master," Dobby said softly.

Harry opened his eyes and looked down at Dobby. "Am I hurting you?" Harry realised that Dobby probably could share all of these memories if they were strong enough, and that thought finally pulled him out of his self wallowing. "I'm sorry."

"Master is worrying Dobby," he squeaked. "Master Harry Potter must not punish Master's mind so. Master's strong and must be strong to defeat You-Know-Who."

"I can't." Harry almost began crying anew.

"Can," Dobby insisted and then returned to his silence, obviously unsure and uncomfortable with trying to provide comfort or counsel to Harry. He knew it was not his place.

Some time later, Harry saw a head pop out of the window and watched as Lupin carefully crawled out onto the ledge and grappled with the stone until he found himself on the roof and walking towards Harry. Harry wasn't certain he was ready to have this confrontation, but knew it could no longer be put off. He'd managed to stay hidden from everyone else for a while.

"This is a pretty good hiding place." Lupin sat down next to Harry.

"Not good enough," Harry said bitterly. "I want to be alone."

"I realise that, Harry, but perhaps you've beat yourself up enough for one day. From what I understand, you have done a great deal of magic today, and probably ought to be in the infirmary."

"So that you lot can try to make me talk about my feelings?" he asked in a very accusing manner. "No thanks."

"Harry, I'm very worried about you. You've kept too many emotions locked inside of you. I'm afraid they have truly begun to eat away at your very being--"

"Save it, Professor," he said abruptly, knowing how disrespectful and rude he was being to his parent's friend. He couldn't help it though. If he had wanted to speak to someone he wouldn't have left the dungeons.

"Harry, Dumbledore is trying to protect you...we all are."

"Well, you lot are doing a pretty bang up job of that now, aren't you?"

Lupin couldn't help but nod his head. "You're right about that. You are constantly proving to us that we ought to trust you completely, but still--"

"You fail miserably." Harry wanted Lupin to get to his point and leave. "What do you want to say to me?"

"Harry, I don't wish to upset you but I think that it's important that you let someone console you. I know that I'm not family--"

"I can't have a family," he said bitterly. "Even when I love someone enough to.... It's been destroyed because of me. He'll kill everything I love and I can't afford to add to those numbers. I only exist to cause death!"

Harry stormed off of the roof and climbed back through the window. He ran from the North Tower hoping that he wouldn't be followed this time. He needed to find some solitude before someone else managed to twist his perception of reality further.

After running as long as he could, Harry stopped and looked around him. He was completely surrounded by the dark forest and had no way of knowing which way he should go to get back to Hogwarts. He knew he could always Apparate to Hogsmeade and walk back to Hogwarts but he didn't even know if he should return. Maybe he'd be doing everyone a favour if he just kept walking through the forest. Maybe that path would lead to a better place...a place where he wasn't the angel of death. Maybe he could have a life if he weren't wizard. Perhaps others could live again if he'd never learned about who he was and who he was meant to become.

Those thoughts propelled Harry to continuing walking...away from Hogwarts and towards something he did not know. It felt like he had been walking for hours with his mind a hazy field of numbness. He couldn't grab onto a happy memory as his feet carried him away. He couldn't think of a reason to stay, or to let himself be consumed even more by the anger that had caused him to kill Percy. That anger was real and raw, and oh so powerful...exactly as Snape warned. It was uncontrollable and Harry was beginning to realise that Voldemort was indeed using it against him. He was determined to show Harry how similar they were...or, better yet, drive Harry absolutely insane in the process.

With that realisation Harry stopped. He looked up at the stars hanging high in the clear night sky above the trees. He lifted his arms up above his head, willing the clarity he was beginning to feel to fill him completely. He needed the feeling to continue because he suddenly felt calm.

"Harry," a voice softly called his name from the deep cover of the trees.

Harry turned his head away from the sky and in the direction that the voice had come to him. A silvery image floated through a tree directly in front of him, and Harry immediately recognised her as the reclusive Grey Lady. She stopped and just stared at him for a long moment before smiling.

"I'm sure that my coming to you is somewhat of a shock, but I bring you a message."

"What? Why you?" Harry wondered because he'd had no interaction with her before this, and he couldn't imagine why she'd care about him.

"My heart weighs heavy for you," she answered suspiciously. "Moments ago I felt your spirits lift, and I would encourage you to fill yourself with the realisation of what has been done to you this year."

"He was still controlling me?" Harry asked but it truly wasn't a question for her to answer. "He wanted me this angry. He hoped it would drive me insane."

"Or to him. I don't think you fully appreciate how powerful the two of you would be together, but Tom Riddle does."

"What do I do now?" He wanted guidance finally and a ghost seemed an almost befitting source for that guidance.

"Return to the castle. Heal your body and mind," she advised. "You must have your wits about you for what you will face next."

"Were you a seer?"

"No, but you must realise that ghosts do not exist on the same plain of existence as you do. I see time much differently than you."

Harry nodded his head slowly. "Can you tell me anything that will be helpful?"

"Only what you need know," she answered. "Hope is a heavy burden that has been placed upon your shoulders, but hope is indeed what you are. Free your mind of the anger that has been driving you and fill yourself with the love that let you defeat the Dark Lord the first time. If you accomplish this you shall know what has already come to pass, and what is to come. You must be at peace, Harry, whether you chose to live or to die."

*

Harry slowly walked into the infirmary grasping his right shoulder, which had been injured at some point while he was running through the forest. His fatigue was beginning to weigh him down significantly and he was suddenly grateful for the sight of Madam Pomfrey. Maybe she could give him a dreamless sleeping draught and he could forget everything that had happened even if it was just for a few hours. Even though his conversation with the Grey Lady had filled him with a new set of questions, it had also provided a new sense of hope. He needed to rest before attempting to figure out the riddle she'd left him with and how to let his anger go as she'd suggested.

The infirmary was fuller than usual, but Harry just walked until he found an empty cot and had a seat. He said nothing to those around him as he waited for Madam Pomfrey to notice that he had finally come to her for care.

"It's about time," she clicked her tongue loudly against the roof of her mouth as she moved over to him. "You should have come to me straightaway and not gone gallivanting off again. Really, how am I supposed to care for you properly if you don't let me?"

"Sorry," he mumbled. "I just needed...." Unsure of what he needed exactly he stopped speaking.

Madam Pomfrey nodded her head slowly. "You don't appear to be gravely injured, just lay back and I'll fetch a potion that will help you rest."

Harry nodded at her and for once did exactly what she asked of him. When he lay back in his cot he finally noticed those in the hospital wing with him. Professor Snape was sitting on a cot across the room. He was minus his robe and had his sleeve rolled up tending a cut on his left forearm himself. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall were walking between the infirmary, questioning Madam Pomfrey and a private room. Harry didn't want to venture a guess at whom or what was in that room; somehow he had a pretty good idea.

His Aunt Petunia was sitting up in a cot, her face still ashen with disgust and eyes piercing straight through the very sight of Harry.

"He just saved your life!" Snape shouted at her, startling Harry in the process. Not so much because he shouted, but because he was actually defending Harry in public. "At least have the decency to leave your loathing to when you are out of his presence."

"Don't shout at me, Severus!" Petunia fired back. "You're worse than the rest of them!"

"The rest of whom, Petunia?" he sneered at her, "other wizards and witches?" She didn't answer and his eyes narrowed in on her so intently that she turned a cheek so she would not have to meet his gaze. "Than you?"

"Stop calling me that...." She cringed as she pulled her hands around her ears trying desperately to shut out his voice, and the voices of all of the others who had called her a witch in the past week. Even the Dark Lord himself had referred to her as a Mudblood. "I'm not...I refuse to be one...one of you."

Snape shook his head in disgust at her. "I wasted such valuable time on you. Lily swore that you would be a great witch once you were trained up. She was so saddened that your abilities did not show until you turned twenty-one, and she begged me to train you, but what a complete waste of time that turned out to be. You are a shame to all witches, especially Muggle-borns."

"What's all this?" Madam Pomfrey asked as she hurried back into the room. "I expect far better of my patients, as you well know Professor Snape," she said sharply to him and then turned her attention to Petunia Dursley. "You may not have stayed in my infirmary before Mrs. Dursley, but you are an adult and as such I expect you to behave as one."

Harry almost wanted to laugh at Madam Pomfrey scolding them but he refrained, instead saying nothing to the exchange and pretending that he hadn't even heard it. He closed his eyes finally understanding how his aunt and Potions Master knew each other. She had developed her magical abilities late in life and he had been asked to train her. Harry found it odd that Snape would agree to train a Muggle-born, but it obviously had something to do with Snape's relationship with Harry's mother, and must have been after he decided to spy on Voldemort. Harry certainly couldn't see Voldemort supporting a Death Eater teaching a Muggle-born to do magic.

Madam Pomfrey came to Harry's bedside and held a vial out in front of him. "Drink this," she ordered. "I will clean your wounds while you're sleeping. Right now I've got to deal with...well, never you mind. Just drink."

Harry nodded. He knew exactly what it was that she had to deal with. She had two dead bodies in her care, and Harry was certain that afforded her some explanation and paperwork to the Ministry. He gulped down all of the liquid in the vial and immediately sank back on his pillow. Before he fell asleep he quietly told Madam Pomfrey he didn't want to talk to anyone for a while. She agreed wholeheartedly.

When Harry woke the next time it was still dark. He wasn't sure if he had slept for a day or more, or if the potion hadn't worked at all. He looked around his cot to see that Madam Pomfrey had placed a screen around him. From that he inferred that he'd been asleep a while and she didn't want anyone disturbing him. He sat up and looked to the side table for his glasses only to have them handed to him.

"Thanks, Dobby," Harry said assuming his house-elf was at his side, but heard a very adult male sneer in the place of Dobby's squeaky voice. "Professor," he stuttered as he looked at Snape. "I'm sorry. I just assumed that Dobby would be here."

"If he is, I certainly cannot see him."

"What day is it?"

"May 29, you've been asleep for nearly three days," Snape sat in the chair that was positioned near the side table. "I placed a charm on you to alert me when you awoke because it is imparitive that you know what I told the Headmaster and the Minister about what happened in Egypt."

Harry nodded his head quickly, knowing that was a very sensible idea. Before Snape began he cast a silencing charm around them so they could speak freely.

"First off, how much do you remember?"

"Everything," Harry answered without turning his eyes away from Snape. "Did you tell them that I murdered Percy?"

Snape nodded quickly. "But don't worry, I did not tell them the exact sequences of events. I told them that you were forced to perform the Ritual of Life on Barty Crouch in order to restore his soul to his body, and that you were successful, but in the wake of the struggle you inadvertently killed Percy Weasley. I told them he was attacking Molly Weasley, who was without wand at the time, and that you did not use an Unforgivable but that you cast an ancient Egyptian charm and the result of it was slitting Percy's throat even though I saw that you were aiming for his wand arm. He moved at the last moment and died because of it."

Harry nodded his head as he absorbed all of this information. "Why didn't you just turn me in? I could be on my way to Azkaban right now if you wanted."

"Because Harry," Snape stood, looking down at Harry with a great deal of anger in his eyes. "You are the only person capable of killing the Dark Lord, and you needed practice. People will continue to die in this war, Harry, and you will have to kill more than once. If you are going to fight in this war...if you are going to lead us in this fight against the Dark Lord, you must be prepared to take a life and you must know that some casualties serve a greater purpose."

"How can you say that so callously?"

"War is callous. It is better that one die than one hundred; better one hundred than one thousand. It is a lesson that I have failed to impress upon you but you must learn it...quickly."

Harry could only nod. Of course he knew that Professor Snape was correct but it still didn't change the fact that Harry considered some casualties unnecessary. "How are the Weasleys?"

"Devastated," he simply said. "What did you say to Lupin? He's been moping about ever since he went to find you three days ago."

"He just came at a bad time. I wanted to be alone, but someone always finds me. I snapped at him."

"Well, well," Snape smirked. "Trying to be Daddy, is he?"

"Shut up, Snape."

"Don't you address me in such a manner. I thought you had learned much better than that this year."

"Yes, but you don't need to insult him. He's gone out of his way to try and be civil with you since my third year, and you must admit that is quite a feat for someone who is supposed to loath you."

"If I've taught you anything it is apparent that I've taught you to be honest. And I think that you will agree that honesty is best even when it is a hard potion to swallow." Snape stood. "Molly Weasley's funeral is tomorrow. As much as you may want to be there, I do not feel you should be in attendance."

"No, as the Minister's wife I'm sure there will be a great number of people there. My presence would only be a distraction."

"And a target for the Dark Lord,' he reminded Harry. "I doubt he is planning an attack but I'm certain there will be a few Death Eaters present in case you do attend. After all, we did make off with his wand, and that is a possession that he will want back...badly."

Harry nodded, already knowing that to be true. He wondered for a moment where the wand was at present but didn't bother asking. Somehow it wasn't truly the foremost thought on his mind. "I doubt the Weasleys want the reason she's dead at the funeral anyway."

"We've already been over this. Berate yourself if you must, but only the blood of Percy Weasley is on your hands. That is what you must come to terms with." With that comment, Snape left Harry alone.

*

The next morning Harry waited until he'd received word that the Weasleys and a number of staff left the castle to attend Mrs. Weasley's funeral. It was then that he returned to Gryffindor Tower. He couldn't look at anyone as he walked through the common room. Harry felt the prying eyes fixed upon him and could hear in his head the questions that his housemates were dying to ask, but he couldn't bear to try and provide answers at the moment. All he could do was hope to be alone in order to gather myself before facing Ron.

Unsure of what had been said in the past four days, Harry was certain that the entire school knew that Mrs. Weasley was dead and that he had murdered a man. And yet in his mind he'd murdered both Percy and Mrs. Weasley. True, he hadn't laid a hand to her, but he knew why she was dead. He had no idea how he was going to face Ron and Ginny, or what he could possibly say that might help or explain why they no longer had a mother or one of their brothers. And he knew that he'd have to talk with Bill too. The other Weasleys would be equally as difficult to face, but Harry's thoughts lingered on the three that he was closest to.

When Harry entered his dorm room Seamus was lying on his bed. He sat up and looked as though he wanted to say something to Harry but seemed unable to find the words. Harry ignored him, thankful that he wasn't spewing questions out at him as he flopped down on his bed. Several minutes later the door opened and Harry saw Parvati walk in. She looked right at Seamus and told him to get out. Seamus did so without argument or hesitation.

Parvati said nothing to Harry as she approached him. She climbed up onto his bed and drew the red velvet curtains so that they could have even more privacy. When she lay down on top of him she simply began kissing him and Harry was grateful that she didn't need to talk, that she didn't want him to talk to her. She was just trying to show him that she cared for him and was there for him. Being with her was just what he needed at the moment to feel like a person again. And afterwards he lay with his arms wrapped around her.

"Thank you for not pressuring me," he finally told her. "I haven't come to terms with my own thoughts yet."

"I know, Harry," she told him as she tipped her head up to look at him. "They will be back in about an hour. Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"I think I should face Ron and Ginny alone, so when they get back, could you drag Hermione off? I know she's my friend but this feels like a family matter."

"You don't have to explain, Harry, I completely agree with you. I will keep Hermione out of this room at all costs. I don't care how angry she gets with me."

Harry kissed her forehead as a gesture of thanks and lay quietly again. Fifty minutes later, Parvati silently dressed and left Harry without another word spoken. Harry dressed quickly, letting himself grow more and more nervous as twenty minutes passed and the door opened. In walked Fred and George Weasley. They said nothing as they had a seat on Neville's bed. It was obvious they'd been crying and didn't want to admit it.

"Fred...George--"

"Don't say anything, Harry," Fred told him. "We're not mad at you. We only wish we'd been there to kill Percy ourselves."

"How is your dad?"

"Really broken up," George answered for the duo. "But he's glad you and Snape brought her and Percy home. He even shook Snape's hand at the funeral. Course we didn't know it was Snape until Professor Dumbledore told us he was using Polyjuice Potion. Why didn't you just do that too?"

"I wanted to be there." Harry hung his head down and felt the tears forming again. "I just couldn't put the rest of you into that kind of danger, and I don't know that Polyjuice would hide my identity to everyone there...." Though he'd never been given the option, Harry understood why it wasn't possible. If Ron or any of the untrained wizards knew who Harry was, Voldemort would have been able to use Legilimency on them and learn Harry's hidden identity. "It was just too risky."

"Dumbledore told us why you weren't coming. Mum would have been sad, but I'm sure she understood. She never treated you any different than one of us...well, actually, she treated you a little better, but you deserved it after the Muggles and all."

"Thanks George." But it really didn't make Harry feel any better. He didn't want to be consoled in their time of loss. He'd have preferred for them to thump him than to be sympathetic to him.

"Look mate," Fred stood from his position on the bed. "We don't want you to feel bad about what happened. You couldn't have done anything differently..."

"Except let Percy live," George added viciously.

"And what good would that have done anyone?"

"Do you guys know what really happened?" Harry wondered. "Did Snape tell you how she died?"

"The only thing we know for sure is what was reported in the Daily Prophet."

Harry assumed that would have been Professor Snape's account of events, and therefore, not correct. "I doubt they got it right."

"We didn't think so either," they said in unison.

"I didn't kill him in a crossfire," Harry confessed. "And I didn't miss my mark."

"We know." George joined his brother in standing. They didn't say anything else as they left Harry alone again.

It was sometime later before Ron entered the room. When he did come in he wouldn't even look at Harry. He said nothing as he climbed into bed and pulled his curtains closed. Harry wanted to say something to his best friend but couldn't find the words and realised that Ron clearly wasn't ready to talk about it, and that remained the case. Ron avoided Harry at every possible turn, and he'd even taken to sleeping in the fifth year's dorm. Hermione too, stayed away from Harry, either out of loyalty to her boy-friend or because she was angry that Parvati had refused to let her go see Harry after returning from the funeral.

He moped about his days with Neville and Parvati dragging him to his lessons and forcing him to eat. Harry avoided everyone other than Neville and Parvati as eagerly as Ron avoided Harry, but he all finally had to face Professor Dumbledore when he was summoned to the Headmaster's office the Saturday following is return.

"Please sit, Harry," Dumbledore offered upon Harry's arrival in his office. He did as asked at waited silently to hear what the Headmaster had to say. "I know that you and I have trust issues that exist between us, Harry. I fear that you trust very few and that no adults or Order members may rank in that group."

"I trust Professor Snape," he said in a low voice.

"That is all, Harry?" Dumbledore asked with a bit of sadness in his voice but that didn't change Harry's answer. "It is a great pity that I must ask you to join the Order of the Phoenix when you do not fully trust me, and I will understand if you refuse, but I would like you to accept."

Not knowing or understanding why Dumbledore was asking this, Harry quickly agreed. He supposed it was out of a desire to learn all that he could about Voldemort's plans. "Sure, I'll do it...as long as I'm not treated like some sort of junior member."

"Agreed." Dumbledore looked pleased with Harry. "I would like to have you take the oath shortly, but if you don't mind I'd like to just talk for a moment. It seems that we are long overdue for a civilised conversation."

"Probably," Harry admitted. "What would you like to talk about?"

"I would like to apologise for my behaviour in the past. I realise that I have held some crucial information from you and I have tried my best not to burden you with information that I do not think that you need. However, I have realised that you need a great deal more information than you are receiving now. That is, in part, why I've asked you to become a member of the Order.

"The other part is because you will be of age shortly, and you are, after all, the only one who can fight Voldemort. If we are to rely on you to help us rid the world of him, you most certainly ought to be involved in the moment dedicated to expunging the earth of him."

Harry couldn't disagree with that logic, even if he did wish the curse of defeating Voldemort hadn't befallen him. "Will you give me your word that you will be honest with me? And that you'll have enough faith in my Occlumency skills to deliver news personally?"

"Yes, Harry, I give you my word."

Harry wasn't certain he believed the Headmaster completely, and he understood that there would obviously be times when they would be unable to speak, but he wanted to know he had a reason to try again. Harry desperately wanted to trust Dumbledore once more. He'd idolised him since coming to Hogwarts and as many dreams, hopes and expectations had been dashed in the past six years, Harry had not expected, nor wanted, his faith and trust in Albus Dumbledore to die.

"I will tell you something out of a gesture of faith." Harry said softly, hoping this would open communications between them again. "Romulus Lupin is not to be trusted."

Dumbledore's eyes widen at Harry's revelation. "Is this why you have stopped participating in the duelling club?"

Harry nodded. "I can't tell you why I don't trust him, I haven't figured it out yet, but I think you ought to know when I use Legilimency on him the very first notion I get from him is cold."

"Why would you use Legilimency on him, Harry?" he wondered.

"I didn't do it on purpose the first time," he explained. "It was during the first lesson with Neville and I had just come from my lesson with Professor Snape. I didn't do it on purpose. I guess because I had been practising on Professor Snape I was still practising a bit, but I'm glad I did."

"What did you feel from him?"

"I've never been able to pinpoint the feeling, but that first time he reminded me far too much of Voldemort," he admitted. "Decide whatever you want based on my presumption of him, but I feel strongly that he is not to be trusted."

"Your opinion in this matter is of great concern to me," Dumbledore conceded. "I must admit that I've been unable to read Professor Lupin at all, and that has made me somewhat less forthcoming in the amount of information that I have provided to him."

"Is he a member of the Order?" Harry wanted to know and was relieved when the Headmaster shook his head slowly.

"Thank you for telling me, Harry." Dumbledore looked relieved that Harry had finally confided something with him. "I believe you and I are making a step in the right direction."

"This has to go both ways, Professor," Harry said quickly, as to not diminish the fact that he was still cross with the Headmaster and required more information than he was receiving. "If things continue the way they have been I will not be able to give you an Oath to the Order of the Phoenix."

Harry knew that once he'd taken the oath he would be bound by it. He knew it better than most because he had administered an oath to his selected defense team. He felt that connection to each person who had taken the oath and he currently knew that all his members remained loyal. He certainly didn't want to take an oath with Dumbledore and then have to betray it. Dumbledore would immediately know it.

"I have given you my word that I will be more forthcoming with information, and I intend to keep it," the Headmaster said. "But you must realise that there will be some things that you will not need to know, and that will do you no good to know."

Harry wanted to shake his head in disappointment but decided to look agreeable instead. He needed to have a great deal more information than he did at present, and if this was the first step on the path to receiving it, Harry was willing to take that step. He needed to know what information that Dumbledore knew about Harry and Voldemort that he wasn't telling. Harry had tried several times to subtly use Legilimency on the Headmaster, and was proficient enough at the subject to know there was a kernel of information that Dumbledore had kept completely to himself. And that he'd kept that secret for so long, he barely recalled how to access it. Harry assumed that Dumbledore had in fact removed the memory it order to protect its content.

After Harry took his oath to the Order of the Phoenix, Harry found himself sitting in his dorm room wondering what he ought to be doing. Ron had taken to hanging out with Dean and Seamus, and they must have been out playing Quidditch because he noticed their brooms were missing. Harry was tempted to grab his broom and go join them, pick-up Quidditch would be perfect, but he knew he couldn't. He wouldn't truly be welcome even if his dorm mates did let him play. With nothing much to occupy his time, Harry sat on his bed staring out of the window.

A hesitant knock disturbed his wallowing and self pity party, but really, Harry welcomed the distraction. "Come in," he said. "Ginny..." he said as he sat up quickly. "What are you...? I mean, how are you doing?"

Ginny too, had treated Harry as if he were a dreadfully contagious disease that she may catch if she got too close, for the past week. Harry wasn't certain what prompted her, but she had finally come to talk to him.

"As best as can be expected, I guess," she said quietly as she leaned against the door as it closed. "I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you sooner...I just needed to sort out my feelings."

"You don't have to apologise, Ginny, I understand." Regardless of what he said, he knew he couldn't begin to understand what Ginny was feeling. He was devastated, and so he doubted Ginny was doing any better. "Do you want to sit down?"

She shrugged as she made her way over to Harry's trunk and sat at the foot of his bed. She didn't say anything to him and Harry remained uncertain of what to say to her. He was thankful that he was getting the opportunity to speak with her, but he still couldn't find the words to try and express what he was feeling.

"I'm sorry, Ginny," he said quickly, hoping that blurting this out would be easiest. His eyes focused on his feet as he continued. "I promised you that I'd bring her back...and I know that I did, but I never meant that she would be dead when you saw her the next time. I never meant...I tried to stop him, Ginny, I really did." Tears streamed steadily down his cheeks as he spoke, trying his best not to let those final moments of Mrs. Weasley's life replay in his mind.

"I killed him...I was so angry, there was so much rage and hatred in me at the moment he cursed her, I couldn't have stopped myself. I killed your mother and your brother. How am I ever going to face you and Ron again? How can you two even stand to look at me?"

"I'm not sure what to say to you, Harry," she admitted. "I am angry and you certainly are the easiest target for my anger, but I don't really blame you, Harry. My mum loved you very much, just the same as us, and I know that she had no fear of dying...or of dying in battle...with you. I think what would upset mum now is that you are beating yourself up, and that your guilt has increased ten fold. She would have never wanted to add to your burden."

"How can I not feel guilty?" he wanted to know. "I feel...I don't know how I feel but I can't stop it and I can't make this feeling go away," he finally locked eyes with her. "There's so much guilt and the only thing that makes it disappear is the hate and anger I feel... I...I think--"

"No," she insisted as she sat up on her knees and leaned towards him taking his hands into hers. She knew full well that Harry felt the anger and hatred was consuming him, and she wouldn't allow it if it was within her power. "You aren't him, Harry, you can never be. You think you are to blame for so much, but you're not. You didn't do anything wrong, you just stood up for what you believe in...you protect us. How can that be so bad?" But she didn't need an answer; she knew her words were empty because even she knew why it was so bad: Harry felt he was carrying this burden alone.

"You need to look into yourself, Harry, you need to see what I see. I see a wizard who is not only powerful, but loving and kind and passionate. It is the good you do, Harry...the love you feel that will defeat Voldemort...not the anger." She stopped talking for a moment to look deep into his eyes, realising that she was reaching him. "I know what you're capable of...you need to know it too."

The tears slipped from his eyes even more quickly as he looked into her eyes. He wasn't just hearing what she had to say, but he could feel it too, almost as if she resided inside of him and was speaking within him as his voice.

"Ginny, I--" but he couldn't tell her what he was feeling. Not out of pride or fear, because for once he actually felt strong enough to let her know the truth, but he couldn't tell her how much he cared because he simply couldn't find the right words. "I don't think you should try to comfort me. I--"

"I can do anything I want, Harry."

"I've hurt you in a way I could never apologise for." He pulled his face from her hands and cast his eyes downwards, letting his tears fall onto his legs. "Don't you understand that I don't want to be forgiven?"

"I understand that you don't want to forgive yourself," she leapt from his bed and was now pacing in front of his trunk. "I understand that you're selfish! And that you want everyone to hate you because you hate yourself! I understand that!"

Harry looked up at her to see that her red hair was sticking up in all directions in her anger. Her face was beet red and the rest of her skin had red and pink blotches all over it. He knew what was happening to her.

"I know that you think you're going to turn out just as evil as Voldemort! I know that you've already given up! I know you don't want to fight him anymore--"

"No!" he jumped up and shouted. "I don't! I don't care what he does! I don't care about it anymore! I didn't ask for this responsibility and I don't want it!"

"Well, then we're all dead!" Ginny's voice hit a higher pitch than Harry had ever heard as she continued screaming. "You may not care anymore, but guess what, Harry? Everyone still cares about you!"

The moment she finished her sentence she let out an agonising scream. Harry knew instantly that this was the first time she'd vented at all, and all of the hurt and anger that she'd kept bottled up had been released in her scream. It shook the walls from the amount of magical energy released with her, and that shaking began a low vibration among the furniture in the room, and as Harry realised what was about to happen, he only had a moment to grab her and pull her under his bed with him as the windows and mirrors all broke, sending shards of glass flying across the dorm room.

Harry held her tightly as she sobbed into his chest. He rocked slowly to try and calm her down but he knew that she needed this. He stopped being selfish and thought of only her as she cried for her mother. It was a long while before they crawled out from under the bed and Harry sent her to her dorm insisting that she rest. After she left he began repairing the damage that she had caused. He'd used magic to repair everything but for some reason there were still some glass shards scattered on the ground. He clearly picked up the pieces and performed a cleansing charm on the floor to make sure he hadn't missed any.

When he was finished he looked around and realised why he was lost. He didn't want to be at Hogwarts anymore. He was ready to leave. He immediately returned to Professor Dumbledore's office and asked to be excused from the end of term so that he could regroup and focus his energy. Dumbledore agreed to this but on three conditions. He would have to stay at Grimmauld Place during the last two weeks of term. He must return to Hogwarts to ride on the Hogwarts Express to King's Crossing, and return to his Aunt's for the summer. And lastly, he would have to take his end of year exams over the summer.

Harry quickly agreed, although he didn't want to return to Privet Drive, he knew before Dumbledore said so that he must anyway. He had no intention of staying past his seventeenth birthday, so this summer would be his last in Little Whinging.