Stepping over the Edge

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive

Even heroes have the right to bleed

I may be disturbed, for once you can see

Even heroes have the right to dream

And it's not easy... to be me

-- Five For Fighting (Superman)

Chapter 5 - Kill me

Harry spent the rest of the morning sitting by the lake. It felt so calming the way the rain poured down on the world. Everything was so quiet. The students and teachers were inside and all the animals had found some shelter from the rain. He was all alone, just the way he liked it.

He looked over the grounds and at the gate. How he would love to just walk away from it all, leave everything behind. Voldemort would catch him as soon as he stepped of the grounds, and he would finally die. It would be such a relief. But no, Dumbledore had to interfere, as always. Harry couldn't leave the grounds without Dumbledore showing up in an instant. How he hated that man.

When it was about noon he stood up and walked back to the castle. The lunch was probably served by now, but he had no intentions to go there. The students would stare at him as usual, something he was used to and didn't care about anymore, but Dumbledore would also be there. He didn't want to face the man, feel his concerned looks as soon as he entered. It was too much, too annoying. He didn't want him to care; he just wanted him to stay away. Was it so hard to understand?

He opened the doors to the Entrance Hall and walked in. The water was dripping of him as he walked through the hallways, leaving a clear trace. He didn't know where he was going or why he even had walked inside again. He loved being out in the rain, but he had felt the need to walk through the corridors. And so he did. He walked without a purpose, without a goal, and without the slightest concern about where he might end up. He turned corners, walked through doors, up and down stairs until he didn't have any idea of where he was.

It was a narrow hallway, without any windows, and only a heavy oak door at the end. Harry didn't feel like turning around, so he walked up to the door and stepped in. The room inside was completely dark, so he took out his wand and whispered "Lumos". It was a small room and, just like the hallway outside, there weren't any windows. At first look it seemed completely empty, and he was just about to turn around and walk back again, when he noticed something in one of the corners. He walked closer and read the text at the top of the big mirror out loud "Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi".

He slowly walked up to it and stood right in front of it, with his gaze at the floor. Harry wasn't sure if he really wanted to look into the mirror, to see what it was his heart desired. The last time he had looked into it he had seen his whole family. His whole dead family. Did he really want to look at them again, now when he knew for sure that he was the reason for his parents' death? Would they still smile at him, or would they blame him for their death?

He lifted his gaze, ever so slowly. The sight that met his eyes should have been surprising, but deep down inside he knew that it was the truth. There weren't any family members in the mirror; it was only him, lying dead on the floor. His eyes were shut and there was a small smile on his lips.

Harry felt his heart begin to race but he couldn't take his eyes away from his own dead body. He knew he wanted it; it was the only thing he could think about. The desire to just end it all, to finally be free, was so strong. He wanted it.

But the fact that it was his deepest desire scared him. Had he really lost all hope? Was there really nothing he wanted more? No, there wasn't. He couldn't deny it.

He walked even closer and sank down on the floor, his eyes never leaving the reflection. He slowly raised his trembling fingers and stroked them over his dead body, a small smile creeping up on his lips. How he wanted it. How he desired it. It seemed so peaceful to just leave the world behind, to not have any worries anymore. Just pure relief.

He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, probably an hour or two, but he finally got up and walked to the door. When he reached for the doorknob he cast one last glance over at the mirror and whispered, "I'll be back."

*¤*¤*¤*¤*¤*¤*¤*

Lupin was sitting by the desk in the Defence classroom. He had told all the students to read about the Unforgivables in their books, and that they would have to write an essay for next lesson. They hadn't been too happy about it, but they did it all the same. The silence in the classroom was unfortunately giving Lupin the time to think, something he really didn't want to do right now. Harry hadn't shown up for class and he was wondering where he might be. He hadn't said much in their meeting earlier, so Lupin had no idea what he could be up to. He silently prayed that Dumbledore had set up strong protections around the Astronomy Tower.

The sound of the door opening dragged him out of his thoughts and he looked up to see Harry walking in. He threw a quick look around the classroom and then walked up to an empty seat at the back, seeming oblivious all the stares he got from his classmates. He then sat down, pulled out a book and started to read.

People turned back to stare at their Professor with questioning looks on their faces. He knew exactly what it was they were thinking about; what was he going to do? He slowly got up from his chair and made his way over to Harry, feeling everyone staring at him. When he got up to Harry he bent down and leaned against his desk to try and catch his eyes, but it was futile.

"Harry," he whispered, so the class couldn't hear. "Where have you been?"

Harry looked like he still hadn't noticed the man was leaning towards him, and just kept reading. After a few more silent seconds Lupin spoke again.

"I know you're hurting Harry, but you can't block me out. I miss him too you know."

There was still no response and Lupin opened his mouth to try again, but the door opening once again cut him off. Professor Filtwick came in and Lupin walked over to see what it was he wanted. After a whispered discussion Lupin turned back towards the class.

"I have to go away for a minute, but I trust that you will continue reading your books. If there is any trouble or anyone of you walks out of here you will get detentions for a week." He then turned around and followed Filtwick out the door.

The room was left in silence for a minute, the good students continuing their reading and the others just wondering if it was safe to start talking. Unsurprisingly the one who broke the silence was Draco Malfoy.

"So Potter, found a way to get away without detention have you?"

Harry just continued to read his book and didn't pay Malfoy the slightest interest.

Malfoy got up from his seat and walked over to Harry. He smirked and then grabbed the book from him. "What's so interesting that you don't pay your fellow students any attention?" He closed the book and looked at the front. "The darkest wizards of all time and the one who defeated them." He looked up at Harry again, who was now staring at the table in front of him. "Think you're going to end up in here Potter?"

Harry got up from his seat and grabbed the book from Malfoy. He then placed it back in his bag and walked towards the door.

"Running away are you?" Malfoy called after him. "Can't believe people ever thought you would be able to defeat the Dark Lord."

Harry stopped in his tracks but didn't turn around.

"It's a pity The Dark Lord didn't kill you when he had the chance." Malfoy smirked. Everyone else was silent now, the Slytherins smirking and the Gryffindors holding their breath, waiting to see what Harry would do.

He stood still for a long time before he finally turned around. He stared straight at Malfoy and they were shocked to see the emptiness in his eyes mixed with determination. Slowly he started to walk towards him, and they could see Malfoy's uneasiness. He stopped right in front of him and stared into his eyes.

"So you think it's a pity do you?" He reached down and grabbed hold of the hand Malfoy was currently holding his wand in. "You think it would be better if I was dead?" He lifted the hand until the wand was pointing straight at his heart. "You're not the only one." Malfoy was trying to get his hand back but Harry wasn't letting go that easy. "So kill me then," Harry said plainly. "Kill me and let it be over. I wouldn't blame you."

Malfoy stared into his eyes with fear. "You're crazy," he said, still trying to get his hand back.

Now it was Harry's turn to smirk. "Maybe, but that's even more reason for you to kill me."

"Let go of my hand you psycho!" Malfoy screamed.

"Just talk and no action are you? But think about how pleased Voldemort would be." He ignored that everyone in the room flinched, even Malfoy. "He would let you into his inner circle right away."

"Get away from me!"

"What's going on in here?" Snape came storming in through the door.

Harry leaned closer to Malfoy. "Kill me," he whispered. "Kill me and let it be over."

"Malfoy, Potter, break it up!" Snape, who hadn't heard what Harry said, called and marched towards them.

Harry let go of the wand and Malfoy backed away while shaking his head, but he didn't dare to take his eyes of Harry. The door opened again and Lupin walked in. He spotted the three people in the middle of the room and raised an eyebrow.

"And what's going on here?" he asked.

"Your first day back and I still have to come in to break up fights in your classes. It's going to be a long year." Snape said with a smirk.

Lupin ignored him and looked at the two boys. "Anyone of you care to tell me what happened?"

"He's crazy!" Malfoy screamed, still not taking his eyes of Harry. "He begged me to kill him!"

Now it was Snape's turn to raise an eyebrow and faced the boys.

"Harry?" Lupin said questionably and looking at him.

Harry was still looking at Malfoy and there was sadness in his eyes.

"Harry?" Lupin asked again.

This time Harry spun around on and walked to the door. When he tried to pass his teachers Snape reached out and grabbed him firmly by the shoulder. Harry visibly flinched at the touch and tried to break away, but Snape only held tighter.

"Get the hell off me you fucking freak!" he screamed and slammed his fist into Snape's shoulder, making him lose the grip enough for Harry to pull free. He spun around to face his teachers and drew out his wand instantly. "Keep away from me," he said and slowly started to back away towards the door.

"Harry calm down," Lupin said with concern in his voice. Harry looked like a frightened animal facing a predator. "We won't hurt you, we just want to talk." He could hear Snape mutter something as he stroked his shoulder, but he ignored it seeing that it probably wasn't anything that would help them right now.

"And what makes you think I would want to talk to any of you?" Harry said as he continued his way to the door.

"Because if you don't I will personally kick your sorry ass out of this school," Snape sneered. "Well, I might do that anyway."

"Snape, keep quiet," Lupin said angrily.

"Why should I do that? The brat hit me," Snape said as he turned to Lupin.

Lupin turned towards his colleague too. "Because you're not making this any better."

"Oh, but you got some excellent idea I presume. Probably a nice little talk over a cup of tea and the Golden boy will be forgiven," Snape smirked.

"Why don't you just bloody shut up?" Lupin screamed, his temper getting the better of him.

"Um... Professors?" Parvati started hesitantly.

"WHAT?" Both Professors screamed without taking their eyes of each other.

She flinched but continued anyway. "Harry's just left."

They spun around and saw the door standing open and Harry Potter had indeed gone.

¤*¤*¤*¤