How I Did It, by James H. Potter

Author's Notes: Thanks to my betas, Jenny and ColtonGirl. Also, this is in response to a challenge by heartbroken. I chose requirements to fulfill and wrote a MWPP story. The thread can be found here: http://forums.fictionalley.org/park/showthrea d.php?s=&threadid=122354. I have used numbers 4, 5, 6, 11, 12, 19, and 24. There are three chapters of this, and the others will be up really soon. Promise. Enjoy!

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Introduction by the Author (which would be me, James):

I did it. Yes, sir, I did it! What, you may ask, was it that I did? And if you did ask that question, I would commend you, for it is quite a good question indeed. For without knowing what it was that I did, why would you care to continue? Unless, of course, mere curiosity got the better of you and you thought to yourself, "Hm, that James Potter. What's he gone and done, and how did he do it?" So let us continue with my book. Hem, hem... Presenting James H. Potter's How I Did It! (Proofread by Remus Lupin.)

***

"But Peter, how can you be sure someone is stealing your potatoes?" Lily insisted. "Couldn't you have just eaten them? And even if they were stolen, why would you report it to me? Remus is a prefect too, isn't he? And don't you think it's probably one of your mischievous little friends, like Black?"

Pete's gaze immediately fell on Sirius who was attempting to read a Transfiguration book while balancing it on the basket of rolls in front of him. At the mention of his name, his head snapped up.

"Sirius, are you stealing Peter's potatoes?" Lily asked in a bored voice.

"No! I am most offended that you could even think to blame me for...potato theft," Sirius said indignantly, returning to his book after a dark look at Lily. Peter, Remus, and I snorted. Potato theft. Ha. Lily, apparently bored with the conversation, had returned to her friends further down the Gryffindor table.

"...You aren't stealing my potatoes, right Sear?"

"No-o," Sirius grumbled impatiently. "Who'd steal a potato, anyway?"

"Lots of people, I'd imagine," I explained seriously. "For instance, perhaps someone cannot get their own potatoes, for various reasons like being stuck in a telephone. I'm telling you, the Muggle in that thing has a rough time. I know if I--"

"James, there is no person stuck in the telephone," Remus said patiently.

"But I've seen one work and I'm telling you--"

"Look, James, Rem's right. No one's in there," Pete agreed.

"I don't care what you ignorant people think," James said stoutly, "because I know some poor sucker has the job of sitting in there, all shrunken and alone."

"Would he be alone then, James?" Sirius asked almost absentmindedly, flipping a page.

"Sure! Who else would be in there?"

"Oh, well, I mean, if there's a bloke stuck in there - say he's the male voice, right? -, there'd have to some bird stuck in there too so there's a female voice. So maybe the job's not all that bad anyway."

After a second of silence in which Sirius turned another page, Remus said, "You don't believe some guy is in the phone, do you?"

"Of course not," Sirius assured him. "I was thinking hypothetically."

"Ah," Pete said, nodding wisely.

Now, I know I am right on the telephone business. We all take Muggle Studies, but I know Sirius has never seen a working telephone, and I have. Pete and Remus might be half-bloods, but I really know what I'm talking about this time. It was nothing like when I thought that cars had little people running atop the wheels to make them spin. Give me a break, I was young; people can be quite stupid when they are thirteen.

So at almost-sixteen, and much wiser in the ways of Muggles and everything else, I know that someone is in the phone.

While I pondered this, I saw that people were getting up to leave. Sirius was still reading that book and the conversation had moved on from my ingenious ideas.

"...Look, what's worrying me," Pete was saying as we exited the Great Hall, "is that my potatoes are definitely getting taken - No, Rem, I'm telling you! It's happened more than once this week alone! I've gotta know who is nicking my potatoes!"

Remus sighed and, seemingly searching out a new, more intelligent discussion, grabbed Sirius' book.

"Don't usually see you reading, mate," he commented as Sirius went to snatch it back. "What's this? Transfiguration? Sirius, why are you reading this?"

"Interest and finer understanding," he snapped, snagging back his book.

Sirius was lying, of course, but he's quite good at it. Of course, being James Potter, I can usually tell if he's telling the truth. He wasn't. I know because of the book he was reading. See, we came up with this great plan - It's January, okay? So we have about two months till Remus's birthday, and boy have we got a surprise ready! We're becoming Animagi - me, Sirius and Pete! Pete's scared to death, and Sirius is determined as all hell to get it right - he has been since we started almost three years ago.

When we got into the common room, Pete was ready for business.

"Have you stolen any potatoes lately?" he asked random people suspiciously. They were mostly used to this behaviour, even the first years. By now, people rarely questioned the four Gryffindor fifth years. Well, most people. Lily always questioned us. In fact, lately she seems to do nothing but question whenever she talks to any of us!

"Peter, what are you doing?" she questioned, halting Pete in mid-accusation.

"I'm... I was..." Pete faltered, but quickly regained himself and pointed a finger at Lily. "What about you, Evans? Steal any starchy produce lately? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

"What are you talking about?" Lily demanded.

"My potatoes, that's what!" Peter said loudly. He addressed the common room, "Let it be known that I will find and persecute he - or she - that has pilfered potatoes off my dinner plate!"

I thought this was quite impressive and therefore began the applause. Remus and Sirius joined in half-heartedly and everyone else went back to their conversations - except Lily. She followed Pete over to our table and pestered, "Do you realise that people are trying to study?"

"Er, sure - people study all the time. They could use a thirty second break," Pete said defensively.

"You think so? What would you think if you were in their position?"

"He wouldn't be," Sirius interjected from behind his book. "We don't do the study-like-crazy thing."

"Oh? And what are you doing right now?"

"Light reading for entertainment," Sirius said with the tiniest hint of sarcasm.

"But aren't you guys concerned about the O.W.Ls? Don't you realise that they are coming up in June?"

"Lily," I said, grasping the wrist of the girl with whom I am always smitten, sometimes embarrassed for, "bother someone that cares."

She snatched her wrist away and marched across the room, calling to her friend at the corner table, "Alice, you care, don't you?"

Remus was watching Sirius.

"What?" Sirius asked.

"You don't read for entertainment," Remus observed.

"Sure I do. See this book? I'm reading it. It isn't for school. That makes it reading for entertainment."

"Well, then. May I borrow it when you are finished?"

"No. Pete's next on the list. Then James. Maybe you can have it for your birthday or something."

"Fine, fine. Keep your secrets..."

"We will," Pete said. Sirius and I looked at him; I was astonished - he should know to never admit to keeping a secret! - but Sirius did a better job of covering up. He looked at Pete like Pete was a pastel coloured snowball with bunny ears and a kneazle tail, then back at Remus, shrugging.

Remus was on to us though, one look from his weirdly coloured gold-ish eyes said so. We'd better work fast and carefully. We needed a diversion from the topic, so I decided to take charge. "About the telephone man--"

"Aw, James!" Pete said, covering his face.

"James, shut up!" Remus moaned.

"James, shove it up your--" I cut off Sirius' cruel remark and just kept going with it.

"-Telly Smith, as I've decided to call him--"

"James there isn't an effing man in the--"

"--Telephones are rather small so I suppose he's been shrunk so--"

"--it doesn't fit, mate, just give it--"

"--up in other countries, d'you think it's the same guy and he's just--"

"--a bloody mental case like you?" Sirius finished loudly.

"No. I was going to say bilingual. Trilingual. Dodecaligual. Many-lingual."

My friends exchanged glances of exasperation, but I have succeeded in taking the conversation elsewhere.

***

That night, when we went to sleep, I had the oddest dream.

I was stuck somewhere, I think a telephone, and then Lily showed up. I don't know why she was there - maybe she a many-lingual phone-girl substitute? Anyway, she was not very Lily-ish at all.

"Have we got anything better to do than have a good snog?" she asked, smiling.

"Er," I said. Was it a trick?

"You do know where we are, right? Of course, you of all people would recognize we're in a telephone, wouldn't you? Isn't it funny how right you were about the man in the telephone?"

"Why am I in the telephone if Telly Smith should be--"

"Telly Smith? Who's Telly Smith?"

"The guy in the phone."

"Oh, he retired, didn't you know?"

"No. I...didn't know one could retire from this sort of thing."

"Do you think if you had studied more you might know things like that?" Lily asked, suddenly become more Lily-like, firey and ranting. "What if that was on the exam and I didn't tell you that it could happen? What then? You'd fail, wouldn't you? Oh, do you think I'll fail? Do you? You do, don't you? Why, oh, why me?!"

I watched her wail and crumble on the floor, a little confused as to why I wasn't taking this moment to be manly and comforting or something.

"Hey, hey James? Wake up, mate!"

"Ow, leggouhmahairbaster'! Searuswasagonon? Wateryoudoyup?"

"I'm not sure what you just said, but come on, Pete's waiting in the common room. We want to talk about the thing," Sirius whispered.

"Hey," I said, pulling on a robe and hauling myself up, "I just had this odd dream about--"

"Yes, yes, I know," Sirius said distractedly. "Telly Smith and Lily Evans, I know..."

"But I... Sirius, I thought you were always bloody awful at Divination!"

"I am, you twit. You talk nonsense in your sleep all the time."

"Oh." I followed him out the dormitory and into the common room. "Why are we doing this now? We could wait for the next full mo--"

"Shut up!" Sirius hissed suddenly, slapping a hand over my mouth so hard I stumbled back. My eyes widened as I realised why.

"And what brings you boys out to the common room this late?" Lily asked with an eyebrow raised.

"What brings Miss Evans out to the common room this late?" Sirius retaliated.

"Is it your business if I came down as a prefect to check on some noise?" she said smartly, glancing at Pete.

"Is it your business why--"

"Lily, dear!" I cried out. "Lily, we were simply coming to find Pete."

"And it took two of you?"

"Yes, yes, we thought he'd gone farther than the common room and so we planned to split up."

"Did you? So where is troublemaker number four, the prefect?"

"Asleep," Sirius, Pete and I answered.

"Like you should be," I added. "Such beauty as yours must require delicate sleep and--"

"Oh, don't you ever stop, Potter?" She disappeared up the girls' staircase. After waiting a few more seconds to make sure she wasn't going to return, I turned to Sirius.

"So why can't we do this when Rem's sick?"

"I want to talk about it now," he said, a slight whine in his voice that I had never heard. Pete nodded and added, "I want this done as soon as possible. I'm getting nervous only talking and not actually finishing."

"Okay, okay," I said. "What, do you want to try, you know, transforming? Now?"

"No, no, no - we might need another week and we should be outside, maybe in the forest," Sirius said, looking around.

"We actually wanted to do it next week. The full moon is next Saturday anyway, right?" added Pete.

"Sunday," corrected Sirius.

"Wait, you two have already discussed this? Without me?" I asked, kind of hurt.

"Yes, in Divination class today, when you left to go to the 'hospital wing'," Pete explained.

"I see," I said. "I skive class to nick some supplies for explosives and you discuss other plans without me. I see how it is."

"Oh, James, come on," Sirius said. "We didn't mean anything by it. We were just taking advantage of our Remus-less class." Pete nodded. I sighed.

"Fine, fine. Next week? Already? We have a while yet till his birthday and I don't think we have to rush it--"

"Scared?" Sirius and Pete chorused.

Of course I'm wasn't scared!

"Of course I'm not scared!" I said defensively. They shushed me and I went on, "Just thinking it through. If we have more time to perfect it, then we should use that time, shouldn't we?"

"I guess," Sirius grumbled.

"You are just impatient," I informed him.

"No, I'm just ready," he retorted.

"Well, look. The point is, I don't think we should do it just yet."

He said, "Okay."

I said, "Okay."

"Pete?"

Pete said, "Okay."

"Okay," we all agreed.

"Let's get back to our dorm before Dictator Lily shows up again," Sirius grumbled.

"I didn't make any noise, guys, I swear," Pete insisted.

"Don't worry, Pete," I said cheerily. "She was probably just out of bed like us. That's why she let us go."

"You're probably right, James," Peter said agreeably.

You bet I'm right!

***

I got back to sleep quickly, but my dream remained unfinished... Instead, I woke up the next morning with a blurry vision of myself turning into a half-slug, while Sirius became a lion and Peter, a dragon.