Remember Your Heart

Chapter 13: The Pensieve

Harry could only laugh at Severus' discomfiture. At the moment, Severus was trying to disentangle Milo's fists from his hair. Each time he got one chubby hand free, the other wound its way in and yanked.

"The child is possessed," grumbled Severus.

Still chuckling, Harry walked over, pulled out a small set of keys from his pocket and jingled them near Milo. Blue eyes swiftly locked onto the tinkling, shiny objects.

"Me!" yelled Milo, grabbing for the keys.

Harry gave them up, scooped Milo from Severus' lap, and set him on the floor. Milo shook the keys and shrieked happily.

"Alright there?" Harry asked, gently stroking Severus' hair.

Severus muttered, "I will endure."

It was Sunday afternoon and they were visiting with Ron and Hermione. Harry had felt guilty about not seeing them much recently and knew, with Dudley's upcoming fat reduction, that he wouldn't have many other chances in the near future. Severus had accompanied him, preferring not to remain alone in the house with the Dursleys.

Milo seemed to be quite taken with Severus. He had insisted on being picked up soon after Severus had sat in the comfortable armchair. Milo had played with Severus' shirt buttons for a long while but then became entranced with the texture of his silky graying hair, thus the beginning of the recent bout of grabbing.

Harry was still touching Severus' hair when Hermione returned to the room with David. David now had a far more pleasant aroma, as compared to when Hermione had left with him. Harry let his hand gently drop to Severus' shoulder, a bit embarrassed at Hermione's intense look, but he couldn't help touching Severus' cheek momentarily as he moved away to take his former seat.

Hermione came fully into the room and set David down near a basket of soft blocks. She glanced from Harry to Severus but withheld comment. Harry pinked a bit but Severus was eyeing Milo. The child had pulled himself up to standing, holding onto Severus' chair, and was handing drool-covered keys to Severus.

"Isn't that adorable, Severus? Milo's giving you a present," said Hermione.

"Indeed." Severus took the keys between his index finger and thumb and held them away from his body. Taking out his wand, he dried and disinfected the keys, and tossed them to Harry. Milo's face scrunched up; lip trembling; tears began to fall and he gave a loud wail. Severus cocked an eyebrow. Pulling a clean handkerchief from his pocket, he opened it and draped it over Milo's head. Milowent silent instantly and dragged it off with a big grin. Severus replaced the hanky. Milo giggled, slowly pulled it off, and held it out to Severus.

Hermione knelt on the floor next to Harry's chair and held out a business card. "This is a counselor that my mother is good friends with," she spoke softly and Harry leaned close to hear her over Milo's laughter. "She's a consummate professional and has been recognized for her work with cases of severe abuse and trauma."

Despite his game with Milo, Harry saw Severus focus on him.

Harry took the card from Hermione; she reached over and closed her hand over Harry's. "I'm so glad you've decided to talk to someone. You've always been so defensive when I've suggested it before."

"Severe trauma and abuse? I'm not that cracked," he said in mock indignation. Harry saw Severus relax, knowing that none of his secrets had been revealed.

"Well, you'll know that she can handle anything that you throw at her." Hermione smiled and patted his arm.

"Thanks Hermione," said Harry, and he kissed her on the cheek.

"Oi! No messing with my wife, mate!" Ron had stuck his head in the room. "Lunch is ready."

The kitchen was far different from the one in the Burrow, with its sleek chrome appliances, shiny granite countertops and unadorned maple cabinets. The table, though, was worthy of the Burrow. Ron had covered the table in a crisp white linen tablecloth, and had set it with simple white china and unembellished silver. On the table he placed a platter of sandwiches, a garden salad with assorted dressings, a tureen of soup, a bowl of fruit and a 'nibbler' platter of cheese, olives, pickles and crackers.

"Wow, you've really gone all out. Thanks," said Harry.

Ron grinned and teased. "Yeah, I'm hungry. This is mine; I've got some leftovers for you." Harry smiled as Ron situated David in his high chair.

Severus moved slowly into the room, Milowalking next him holding onto his pinky.

"Anytime you want to baby-sit, I don't think Milowill object," Ron smiled at Severus. "Of course, you'll have to take both of them." Severus glanced at David, who was pounding a cracker into dust with a wide grin.

"I believe that my masochistic side will be sated for a long while after this visit, and I shall feel no need to baby-sit your children," said Severus.

Milo was settled into his high chair and given a cup with two handles and a spouted lid. He sipped, and then dropped the cup to the floor. The cup leaped back to his tray, much to Milo's delight. A new game had begun.

Harry slid into the seat next to Severus and began filling his plate.

Hermione served drinks and urged Severus to eat. "It's too crazy with the twins during mealtimes to be formal, so help yourself." Seeing everyone settled, she sat down. "Have you heard from Erudite Press, Severus?" she asked.

"Yes, yesterday. It was a favorable response. I will be meeting with John Scriblen next month," said Severus.

"That's fantastic, Severus. I can't wait to read your book. Your experiences and knowledge should make it a fascinating work." Hermione offered some noodles from the soup to the twins, who struggled to pick them up. After having his noodles slip from his grasp repeatedly, David leaned down and sucked a noodle into his mouth. Milo watched and then imitated him.

"We'll see how well everything translates to paper," Severus replied.

"The papers you've published in the potion's journals were very well written, so I have confidence that your book will be equally so."

"You've read my papers?"

Hermione smiled, "Of course. I did some research when Harry mentioned your desire to write a book."

Ron and Harry exchanged looks and snickered.

"Research! That's my Hermione," said Ron.

"You knew what you were getting into," said Harry.

Hermione glared at them and turned back to Severus to discuss his published papers.

"Ron," Harry spoke quietly, so as not to disturb Severus' and Hermione's conversation, "I need to see what you can find out about a Michael Mulciber. He was three years behind us at Hogwarts and his father was a Death Eater sentenced to Azkaban."

"Why do you want to know?" asked Ron. He was pushing his salad around with his fork, avoiding Harry's gaze.

Harry stared at Ron. While Harry always told Ron why he asked him to check out someone, he usually said "sure" first and then joked about the extra work Harry was giving him.

"I want to talk to him," said Harry. "Is there a problem?"

"Seeing that Mulciber is dead, yeah, there's a problem." Ron looked up at Harry with a serious expression. "The Minister of Magic wants a tight lid on the incident. People have been obliviated over this. I could lose my job. Hell, I shouldn't even know about it. So, why do you want to know?"

Harry considered how much information to give Ron and yet keep Severus' confidences. "I think Mulciber may be connected to whoever is trying to destroy Severus' reputation," said Harry.

"He died more that a year ago, Harry, long before you found Severus." The room was quiet now, aside from the twins. Ron and Harry realized they hadn't spoken softly enough. Severus had blanked his face to an emotionless mask.

"What's going on, Harry?" asked Hermione.

"I'm not sure, yet. I'm trying to follow up what little information I have. Severus doesn't deserve to be treated this way." Harry reached out and squeezed Severus' arm gently.

Ron sighed and scrubbed his fingers through his hair. "This doesn't leave this room." Harry and Severus nodded. "Mulciberwas being investigated for developing and using an illegal potion. It was a lust potion combined with an almost Imperious Curse quality as it left the victim open to suggestion and it repressed the victim's memory of the incident. It didn't react with alcohol and was tasteless. It had a distinct aroma of vanilla. The notes found in his residence suggested he had been working on it for years and had only recently perfected it. The night of the takedown, an anti-apparate shield was cast over the pub he was at. A junior man on the MLE team gave himself away and Mulciber tried to make a run for it. Mulciber got onto the roof of the building and was hit by a stunning hex by that same moron. The force of the stun sent Mulciber's stunned body over the buildings edge. He fell to his death."

Harry and Severus were staring, speechless. Ron fidgeted under their gaze.

"Um, well, anyway, it was a real embarrassment to the Minister, the former head of the MLE, so she hushed it up. The moron was obliviated and dismissed."

"When did he start working on it?" asked Harry.

"He started it while still at Hogwarts."

"He showed great potential at potions," whispered Severus.

Ron snorted. "That's an understatement. The whole thing was hushed up. What's really strange is that the MLE worked with Muggle law enforcement. Seems Mulciber was fascinated with Muggle drugs as well, and had acquired drugs from Muggle hospitals, pharmacies, etc, along with books and articles about the drugs. He may have been combining Muggle drugs and potions. They do know that he liked to test his concoctions on Muggles."

"That's horrible!" gasped Hermione. She got up to wipe up the twins. "Treating Muggles like guinea pigs," she muttered and used her wand to swish away the twin's mess.

"He grew up in a Death Eater household. You know, Muggles are the lowest of the low, not much more than animals," replied Ron.

"Enough, I don't want the kids to hear this," snapped Hermione.

"Hermione, they're only-" started Ron.

Hermione tucked a twin under each arm, resting them on her hips. "You'd be surprised what they can remember. Harry used to have nightmares about Voldemort killing his parents and he was only fifteen months when that happened." Ron and Severus looked at Harry, who shrugged and nodded. "My children will know both the Muggle and magical worlds and respect each." She shifted the boys to settle more comfortably on her hips. "Excuse me; I'm going to put them down for their nap."

Ron watched her leave, eyes following the sway of her shapely backside. Ron grinned at Harry's snicker.

"Yeah, I got it good," Ron smirked. He leaned back to stretch out his legs and settled his hands behind his head.

"Mulciber couldn't be behind the recent activities against you, Severus," said Harry. "But, maybe..." Harry trailed off, knowing Severus would rather discuss this in private.

Severus nodded and was staring off into nothingness. Abruptly he stood, "I think I'll leave now. Thank you for your hospitality, Ron, and thank Hermione for me."

"Would you like company or would you rather be alone?" asked Harry softly.

"Alone, for now," Severus replied.

Harry nodded. "If you want, there's a box under our bed that has Dumbledore's pensieve in it. It's available, if you wish to use it."

Severus focused on Harry intently for a long moment and then whispered, "Thank you." He reached out and cupped Harry's cheek, caressing him for a moment, before stepping back, and with a nod to Ron, Severus disapparated.

"What the hell is going on?" asked Ron.

Harry shrugged and smiled. "I'm not sure."

"Is something going on between you and Snape?" Ron was staring at Harry, with a horrified expression.

"Why? Is that a problem for you, if something is?" Harry's smiled faded. "I care about Severus."

"Yeah well, I care about you. But I don't want to shag you. Wasn't that other thing, you know, with that guy, just an experiment?" Ron summoned a butterbeer. "I'm sure Hermione could introduce you to some discrete girls she knows or how about a Muggle?"

"Even though it is none of your business, I am not shagging Severus. However, I am undeniably attracted to him. And I'm really surprised at you. I thought you were far more open about such things." Harry folded his arms across his chest and looked at Ron, feeling quite cross that he had ruined his nice moment with Severus.

"But it's Snape! I mean, he was such a greasy git to you, all those years in school. I remember you telling me how much you hated him. And now-"

"I grew up, Ron. I'm a different person than I was in school. Severus is a different person. I've come to care about him, a lot, Ron. I thought I had a rough life, but at least I've had people who've loved me, cared about me. Severus has had a far more difficult life, and Dumbledore is the only person he ever mentions that he believed cared for him. I'm going to make sure that Dumbledore isn't the last. Whether we are friends or lovers, I'm going to be there for him." Harry took a deep breath and slowly released it, letting his tension go with the breath. "You were my first friend, ever. I love you and would do anything for you." Ron gave a little embarrassed smile. "But I am drawn to Severus. It doesn't matter that he's man. It's the person I care about, not the gender."

Ron sat back in his chair and gulped down his butterbeer. "I'd pictured you with a wife and kids and then our families getting together." Ron sounded resigned.

"Me too," said Harry. "But I've never met a woman who made me feel the way I did when Severus touched my cheek. A feeling I can't explain. Hell, maybe I am truly gay and just in denial. And maybe nothing will ever happen between Severus and me. I don't know," Harry sighed, "I don't know."

Hermione walked back into the kitchen, sans twins. "Where's Severus?" she asked, looking around.

"He left," said Harry. "He needed to think."

"What's going on?" She cocked her head and looked from Ron to Harry.

"We don't know," replied Ron and Harry.

***

Harry apparated back to his cottage, early in the evening, and found Petunia and Vernon eating dinner in the kitchen.

"Where's Severus? You did at least invite him to dinner?" Harry asked.

Vernon wiped his mouth and cleared his throat. "He is in your room. When I informed him that dinner was ready, he told me to leave him alone or I would find out what happens when a wizard's patience is truly tested." Vernonplopped more potatoes and chicken onto his plate. "Very rude.I will be relieved to return to normal society."

"A 'normal' person is just as likely to tell you to bugger off as a wizard, especially when you interrupt something important." Harry sat down, determined to give Severus the time he needed, summoned a plate and served himself. Harry had played most of the afternoon with the twins; once they were up from their nap. It turned out to be hard work, as well as fun, trying to entertain two babies.

Vernon scowled. "Let's have no talk like that at the dinner table. You keep your relationship, with that man, quiet."

"Huh?" Harry was confused until he remembered that he had used the word 'bugger'. He decided to ignore the comment, not wanting to get into yet another discussion of his relationship with Severus.

"How's Dudley?" he asked, after taking a few bites.

"He's fine," said Petunia. "He asked for some privacy. It must be terribly restrictive for him to always have someone around, especially when it's his mother."

Harry wondered, due to his enormous size, if Dudleycould still reach to wank. He shuddered, getting too clear a visual in his mind. Must remember some cleaning charms for Dudleybefore bed, he thought.

After dinner, Harry assisted with the clean up. This meant that Harry charmed everything to take care of itself. He knew Vernonwas leaving for Little Whinging that night, but Harry didn't bother to say goodbye. He left Vernonand Petunia without a word and headed up the stairs to his room. He heard nothing as he listened at the door. After tapping softly and receiving no reply, he opened the door a tiny bit and peered inside.

Severus sat, in the dark, cross-legged on the bed, with the silver pensieve in front of him. He was staring toward the window, but Harry didn't believe he was actually looking at the window. Harry slipped into the room and closed the door. Softly, he crossed over to the bed.

He whispered, "Severus," and noted there were no thoughts in the pensieve. Severus slowly turned to look at Harry, eyes unfocused.

"Severus," he whispered again.

Severus blinked and focused on Harry. He opened his mouth to speak and paused to clear his throat when no words came out. "I haven't looked yet," he whispered.

Harry sat down on the bed, and then moved so he was cross-legged and sitting opposite Severus, with the pensieve between them. "Are you afraid of what you'll see?"

"Yes," Severus replied hoarsely.

"Would you like me to look for you?"

Severus looked down at the pensieve, and gently caressed the rim with his long fingers. "What if I am not vindicated?" he whispered.

"Then we're exactly where we were this morning, and we will deal with it," Harry spoke with confidence.

Severus was silent, still running his hand along the rim of the pensieve. "Together," he said softly.

Harry leaned over and placed his hand over Severus'. "Together," he agreed.

Severus put the wand to his head and drew out a silver strand of thought. They both watched the fluid slide, shift and flow within the pensieve. Harry looked to Severus, who nodded, and they both reached out to touch the ever-moving liquid.

Harry experienced a strange sense of falling before 'arriving' in Severus' former office. It was eerily similar to Harry's recent dreams; dimly lit by a few torches; heavily shadowed objects floating in their glass prisons like bottled nightmares. The present day Severus stood beside him, pale but determined looking. Behind a desk covered in student scrolls, waiting to be slashed with cruel remarks, sat the younger Snape. His elbows were on the desk, chin resting on clasped hands and a tumbler of amber fluid rested nearby. Stringy black hair nearly obscured his wan face and his lips were drawn so thin as to be almost nonexistent. Snape reached down to lift his glass with a shaky hand and knocked back the drink in one gulp. The door creaked open and Snape's eyes shifted to it. Michael Mulciber came in and closed the door behind him.

"Sir?" he whispered. Michael was small for his age and thin. He had curly black hair, but Harry could not distinguish his eye color in the dimly lit dungeon. Michael moved across the room, closer to the desk, with a grace that Harry knew he hadn't possessed at fourteen.

"Sir, are you well?" whispered Michael.

"Go to your dormitory," said Severus, "it is past curfew."

Michael nodded. "Yes, sir, I just wanted to make sure that you were all right." Michael moved around to the side of the desk. "Malfoy was talking-"

"Quiet! Foolish boy, even the walls have ears," hissed Snape.

Michael looked around the room, suspiciously, and moved closer to Snape. "I'm sure you've warded against eavesdropping, sir. I've heard rumors about what happened tonight and I wanted to see if you were okay."

"You need not concern yourself," said Snape quietly. "Do not put faith in rumors."

"But, I had to make sure," Michael whispered and reached out to touch Snape's cheek and run a thumb along his lips.

Snape jerked away and stood quickly, swaying momentarily. Taking a deep breath and licking his lips, he spoke to Michael in a furious tone. "Your behavior is completely inappropriate and I will not tolerate it. I have warned you before; do not attempt such foolishness again." Snape swayed once more and set a hand on the desk to steady himself. He glanced around the room, seemingly looking for something, and from his confused expression, not finding it.

Michael smiled. "Are you okay, sir? You seem off-balance. Perhaps you should sit, sir." Michael guided Snape to his chair and pushed him into it.

Snape looked at Michael, bewildered. "What?" he mumbled. Michel stood, leaning over Snape, with his hands on Snape'sshoulders. "Need to leave," muttered Snape. "Hands so warm..."

"Actually, I'm rather hot," said Michael, grinning.

Snape grabbed onto Michael's robes and pulled him onto his lap. Michael laughed as Snape began fumbling to undo his school robes.

Harry felt a pulling sensation and the office blurred into fog. A disoriented moment later, Harry was back on the bed in his cottage, still cross-legged, across the pensieve with Severus.

"Severus, did you see-" Harry began, but Severus had risen and was now speeding out of the room. Harry gaped, then closed his mouth and followed. A pause in the hall revealed that Severus was vomiting in the bathroom. Harry slipped in and wetted a washcloth with warm water. He knelt down next to Severus and rubbed his back until he was done. Then Harry gently washed his face. Harry urged Severus to his feet and guided him back to the bedroom. Once there, Harry slid the pensieve under the bed, and pulling down the blankets, coaxed Severus to lie down. Harry stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt and slipped into bed. Severus was lying on his side, facing away from Harry. Harry scooted up close and put his arm over and around Severus, who lay rigid.

"How can you," hissed Severus, "after seeing that?"

Harry was thoroughly perplexed. "What? This proves you were the victim."

"Idiot! I never drank anything in his presence! How can you say that?" Severus struggled to get free of Harry, and when that arm left him, he immediately got out of bed. Seeing him move to the door, Harry chanted a locking charm. Severus swirled to Harry, furious, frightened and ashamed.

"Severus, Michael poisoned you when he touched your mouth," he said quickly. Severus looked incredulous. "After he touched your mouth, you licked your lips. You became disoriented; you had trouble standing and speaking. You knew something was amiss, because you looked around the room. I bet you were smelling vanilla and wondering where it was coming from. You only touched Michael after he touched you. Severus, you were not acting under your own power that night."

Severus staggered and Harry swiftly moved from the bed to him. Harry tucked Severus back into bed and crawled in beside him. He held Severus in both arms, facing him this time. Severus' brows were drawn together as he reviewed his memory, hopefully more objectively.

"Twenty points to Gryffindor for good observation and deduction," Severus said gruffly. "And twenty points from Slytherin for allowing emotion to cloud judgment and another twenty points for enabling a Gryffindor to get twenty points."

Harry laughed and squeezed Severus. "Damn, if that only counted." Harry kissed Severus softly on the forehead. He could feel the last of the tension leave Severus, his body seemed heavier and warmer somehow. Harry could only sigh with contentment as Severus wrapped his arms around Harry.

"There are still a great many unanswered questions," mumbled Severus, eyes closed and face soft.

Harry let his eyes drift shut as well. "Tomorrow. They'll all be there tomorrow," he whispered. Harry was just on the edge of sleep when he felt Severus give him a small kiss on the cheek. He smiled, snuggled closer and let sleep overtake him.