Remember Your Heart

Harry peaked out the bedroom door, clad only in his t-shirt and boxers. It was very late but he could see the shifting pattern of firelight dancing at the bottom of the stairs. He glanced to the empty beds in his room and then moved quietly down the stairs, bare feet whispering on bare wood. Peering into the living room he saw a figure seated in one of the plush chairs, back to Harry, long legs clad in black silk stretched out on the hassock with pale feet warmed by the fire. Harry moved up behind him, "Is everything alright?" he whispered. A single nod replied. Reaching out, Harry gently touched the soft black hair streaked with white. When Severus didn't protest, Harry began carding his fingers through the silky strands and Severus gave a soft contented sigh. He began massaging Severus' scalp, starting at the forehead with just his fingertips working small circles as he slowly moved back over the crown of his head, down the backside to his neck. Then Harry slowly pushed his fingers back up and over to Severus' forehead to begin again. Harry could feel Severus melt beneath his hands. After a few passes, Severus reached up, captured one of Harry's hands, gently tugged and guided Harry around to the front of the chair. Severus' heavy lidded eyes sparked with a fire hotter than the one in the fireplace. Harry swallowed and tried to wet his suddenly dry mouth and felt flush with a heat of his own. Severus slowly wet his lips with the tip of his rosy tongue. Harry felt his breath quicken as Severus' burning eyes traveled over his form, devouring him in a greedy gaze. Severus shifted, sitting up straight in the chair and dropping his feet to the floor. "Sit," Severus commanded in a velvet voice. Harry shivered, nodded and carefully straddled Severus' legs. "Oh," Harry whispered involuntarily as his bare thighs slid along soft satin clad muscular legs. Severus wrapped his strong arms around Harry's waist and pulled him closer; Harry's body throbbed in response, tingling sparks sensitizing every nerve. Severus reached up an elegant hand to Harry's face and tapped three times in the center of his forehead.

"Huh?" Harry jerked awake. "What?" he muttered. Tap. Tap. Tap. Someone was softly but insistently tapping on the bedroom door. Harry squinted, dragged his glasses on and looked around. The gray of the room suggested either a very early morning or a washed out rainy day. His exhaustion supported the former theory. The tapping stopped and a grateful Harry rolled over, and not bothering with his glasses he pulled the blankets over his head and tried to resume his dreaming. He jumped when the sound returned, only the volume had increased to a full out knock. Harry sat up and glanced at Severus in time to see him pointing his wand at the door. Throwing off the blankets, he flew to the door.

"Shush!" he called. Harry grabbed the door handle and shouted as his palm was stung. A high pitched shriek echoed on the other side of the door. 'That took care of my other problem,' thought Harry with a glance down. He turned to Severus, who had rolled away, feigning sleep.

"Very amusing Severus," Harry said, holding his stung hand pressed to his chest with his other hand.

Severus snickered. "Fool," he said, voice muffled by the pillow.

Harry countered the hex on the door and opened it a crack to see Petunia, in a pink frilly dressing gown, clutching her hand as Harry was, her face white with fear.

"What?" Harry grumbled.

"The door..." she gasped out, pointing with a shaky finger.

"Yeah well, don't piss off a wizard before 6 a.m." Petunia stared at him. "It's just a stinging hex, nothing permanent."

"What if it's an emergency?" she wailed.

"I'd already know and would've been up probably before you'd think to come get me." Harry yawned and leaned against the door jamb. He rubbed his eyes under his glasses. "Now why did you wake me at this ungodly hour?"

"How would you know if there was an emergency?" she whispered.

"Spelled my wand to alert me. What did you want?" Harry was starting to feel very irritated. 'I was having the most amazing dream...'

"How does that work? How can it know to alert you?" Petunia demanded.

"It's called magic," Harry said slowly, enunciating in an exaggerated fashion. "Want me to demonstrate some? I'm rather fond of that stinging hex, well, when I'm not on the receiving end." Harry heard a smothered snigger.

"No!" said Petunia. She rubbed her palms onto her dressing gown and drew herself up. "Where is that woman? Dudley is awake and needs seeing to."

Harry gave her a hard look and in a cold voice said, "It's Hypericia or the mediwitch, not 'that woman'." He waited until Petunia nodded understanding. "She should be here between 8 and 9 this morning." Harry held out his hand, "Accio Daily Prophet," and the paper flew up the stairs to land neatly in his palm. "Here's the paper, go entertain yourself. Don't disturb me further." Petunia didn't reach for the paper and Harry let it fall to the floor. He stepped back and closed the door.

Glancing to Severus, he grinned and crossed the floor as silently as possible. Harry slipped a cold hand under the blankets and against Severus' skin. Severus jerked, flipped over and scowled as a laughing Harry crawled back into his bed.

"Potter," he snarled.

Harry peaked out from the blankets. "Gotcha." Severus sniffed and turned away. Harry smiled, placed his glasses on the nightstand, snuggled down and willed his dream to return.

***

After breakfast that morning, Harry was in Dudley's room waiting to hear Hypericia's evaluation. She was holding her wand parallel to Dudley, moving it steadily over him while murmuring incantations. Dudley, pale and sweaty, flicked his beady eyes swiftly from Petunia to Harry to the wand. Petunia was not allowed to hold his hand at this moment so she sat beside the bed smoothing her skirt repeatedly. Hypericia nodded to herself and looked up.

"Looks good," she said with a smile to Petunia.

"Yes?" Petunia asked breathlessly.

"Yes. The potions have stabilized his heart and kidneys, stopping the deterioration and now we can begin repairing the damage. Also we will begin treating the dy...a...bee...tees." She began bustling around the bedside table arranging potion bottles.

"And how will you accomplish all this?" asked Petunia while watching Hypericia closely.

"Potions. This one's for Gunhilda's syndrome, I mean, oh whatever you call it, and it will need to be taken monthly." She held up a green vial.

"Monthly? For how long?" Petunia quizzed.

"Rest of his life."

"I thought you said you could cure him! 'I can fix that in a jiffy' you said. We might have to go through this all again?" Petunia's voice grew loud and shrill.

"I can fix him and he won't go through this again. He just needs to take a potion once a month. Then he's all set." Hypericia was beginning to look uncharacteristically irritated.

"But..." Petunia rose to continue complaining when Harry stepped forward.

"Aunt Petunia, do you remember the 'pissing off a wizard' lesson from this morning?" Petunia clutched her hand.

"Are you threatening me?" she whispered.

"I'm letting you know that you're being ungrateful and that someone may take it upon themselves to teach you a lesson." Petunia sank boneless into her chair staring wide-eye at Harry. Harry moved close and looked down on her. "Hypericia has already accomplished more in one night than all the 'normal' doctors together in all their time treating Dudley." Harry turned to loom over Dudley's cringing bulk.

"Dudley, you're technically an adult now," Dudley flushed angrily; "perhaps it's time for you to take responsibility for your health. You can choose to take a potion once a month to manage your diabetes. I'll make the arrangements for you to receive that potion. Or you can choose to return to 'normal' medical care. Your parents brought you here because they feared for your life and had no other choice." Petunia took a breath to speak but Harry raised his hand and forestalled her. "But you're stable enough now that you have options. Decide." Harry crossed his arms over his chest and waited.

Dudley glanced at Petunia then Harry. "Just one of those foul tasting drinks once a month? No blood testing? No insulin shots?"

Hypericia looked at Dudley as if he was slow. "No, dear," she patted his hand and spoke gently, "Just a potion." She rolled her eyes at Harry.

Dudley looked to Petunia who struggled to remain silent. 'Is she really going to let him make his own decision?' wondered Harry.

"I'll take the potion," said Dudley.

Petunia grasped Dudley's hand. "If you feel that's best." Dudley nodded and she gave a heavy sigh. "Let me explain it to your father."

Hypericia clapped her hands together causing the Dursleys to jump. "Now these potions will begin the process of healing your heart and kidneys. It will take about a week with constant bed rest," she held up two labeled blue vials. "And of course we've already discussed this one," she shook the green vial gently. Dudley drank each potion as urged, twisting his face into a grimace after each but otherwise making no complaints.

"Harry be a dear and levitate him a bit so he doesn't get bedsore," said Hypericia while she tidied.

"What?" Dudley's eyes bulged.

Harry took out his wand and enjoyed Dudley's fear for a moment. "I'm going to float you a tiny bit off the bed so you won't have sore spots. Like a hovercraft." Harry grinned at the imagery of Dudley the hovercraft transiting the Channel. Dudley gulped and Petunia clapped a hand over her mouth so as not to make a noise when Harry swished and flicked and uttered "Leviosa minutiae."

Dudley squawked and then smiled of all things. "Bloody Hell Harry! Should've had that done a long time ago."

"You're alright Duddykins?" asked Petunia dropping her hand.

"Mummy it's like I'm floating on air. Hey, I am floating on air. I didn't realize how uncomfortable I was until now." Dudley sighed and his eyes slowly closed. "Tired," he mumbled.

"Not yet Sleeping Beauty," Hypericia snapped her fingers and Dudley's eyes popped open. "We've something else to discuss."

"What now?" whined Dudley. Harry looked at Hypericia curiously.

"Your weight is excessive. It may undo my work once you are up and about by stressing your body."

"Well, I'll diet," Dudley said halfheartedly.

"I think a more immediate solution should be considered," said Hypericia. Hypericia conjured a chair and sat down. The Dursleys' mouths dropped open as they stared at that little trick. Harry snorted and sat on the edge of the bed.

"What you suggesting?" asked Harry, while Dudley and Petunia recovered.

"A Fat Reduction Potion," said Hypericia.

"I can take a potion and all the fat would go away? Cool, I'll take it," said Dudley.

"I thought those were illegal," Harry said.

"They are restricted. Only a trained professional can administer it," Hypericia pointed to herself, "such as me and only where medically necessary. There are severe risks." She folded her hands, put them in her lap and looked thoughtful.

"Screw the risks! No lousy diets or exercise and I can still lose weight. I'll take it." Petunia put a restraining hand on Dudley's shoulder.

"The potion uses the person's own intentions. You must want to lose the weight. Also..."

"I do! I do!" said Dudley.

"If your intention isn't clear, you can actually increase your fat content. It can also shock your body and cause heart failure or brain damage. If you are not dosed properly you could lose too much weight and die. I can do nothing about your intentions. I can control the dosage and no one has died from severe weight loss in my care. Lastly the potions that you're taking now should strengthen your body enough to handle the stress - but that isn't a guarantee. That's the greatest risk. I'm reasonably sure that there will be no problems or I wouldn't have even suggested this course. If you decide to go ahead you will need to be monitored constantly. Consider carefully. You have some time to think and ask questions as we couldn't start fat reduction until we conclude your current therapy. I'll get you some material to read to assist you." Hypericia stood and gathered her things to leave.

"I'll do it," said Dudley.

Hypericia smiled and patted his head. "I'll give you some more time in case you change your mind." Harry walked Hypericia out. He heard Aunt Petunia start in on Dudley even before the door had closed.

***

"So, Harry," Dudley smoothly rolled his ponderous mass over to face Harry. "Heard you got a guy. Should've figured you for a pouf." Dudley propped his head up with his hand and grinned.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Severus is my guest. Not my lover." Harry was stuck sitting with Dudley that evening because Petunia didn't want her 'Duddykins' alone while she showered and readied for bed. Harry swiveled to the door hearing a creak on the landing but turned back when he heard nothing further.

"Come on Harry," continued Dudley, "Mum told me how you gushed and got all emotional the other night."

"Just because I care about Severus and apologized to him doesn't mean we're shagging. Severus has taught me a great deal; we fought side by side in the war." Harry put his feet up on the bed and pushed back, raising two chair legs off the floor. "Besides I'm not a pouf. I've been involved with men and women. That makes me bi."

"You go both ways?" Dudley's eyebrows lifted.

"I've found that it's not the gender of the person but the person that's attractive. I have no preference." Harry smiled at Dudley's puzzled expression. "That must seem strange to a lady-killer such as you."

Dudley frowned. "It's been a while," he muttered.

They were quiet for a time and Harry thought he heard the floor squeak outside the door again. He got up to check when Dudley spoke again.

"Mum said you called yourself 'the Slayer of Dark Wizards'. Does that mean you've killed someone?"

Harry froze. "Several someones," he whispered.

"How did you feel afterwards?"

"Dirty," Harry turned to face Dudley. "Like the filth of what I had done crept into my very soul. I still feel tainted." Harry wrapped his arms around himself and shivered. "Powerful. Terrified."

"Yes, powerful," Dudley sat up a bit and looked intently at Harry, eyes gleaming strangely. "I smashed that guy and he crumpled to my feet."

"You killed someone?" Dudley nodded. "Boxing?" He nodded again.

"Yeah, I stood over him so hyped it's a wonder I didn't let out some sort of primal scream. I was more that triumphant, I was the Hammer of God." Dudley gave a twisted grin. Harry stared at Dudley and the grin faded and the light in dimmed in his eyes.

"Then I saw the guy's wife. She crawled under the ropes, begged him to get up, shook him to urge him, but he was dead. Everyone was in motion all around and here was this one point of absolute stillness. She screamed at me, called me a murderer. I said 'Bitch! He knew the risks.' And my trainer led me away. It hit me later in the shower." Dudley stopped and was gazing off into nothing.

"What hit you?" asked Harry as he sat back in the chair, feeling a bit wobbly.

Dudley swallowed and tried to speak several times before any sounds came out. "It could've been me," he said hoarsely. "That guy could've been the Hammer that night and I could've died, Harry. Hell, its fun bashing those guys but it's a game, you know, for fun, some money and the attention of the ladies. Dying isn't fun, that's not what I want, so I stopped boxing." Dudley began twisting the edge of the blanket around his finger.

"Got a glimpse of your own mortality?" asked Harry. "Let me see if I can tell the rest of the story. You stopped boxing but you entertained your groupies until the money ran out. They deserted you. You moved home and mummy pampered her Duddykins and daddy bemoaned the tragedies of your life but swore it would all work out right in the end. You tried half-heartedly to get a job but spent most of your time watching TV or playing video games. No need to exercise anymore because you weren't in training. You only really went out when you wanted to have a few pints with Piers. Then it got to be too much trouble to go out, so Piers brought the beer to you. Soon even Piers stopped coming by because he knew he'd never get laid again hanging around a fat man's house on a Saturday night. You felt abandoned, cried your woes to mummy and daddy who said they'd always love you and be there to take care of you. Food made you feel happy and TV helped you forget your own miserable life. Until one day something happened and you end up hospitalized, etc, etc, etc and you came here." Harry gestured around the room. "The home of your freak cousin using magic to save your sorry ass. How did I do?"

Dudley muttered something and looked away, still twisting the blanket. Harry stood and put his hands on his hips. "Look at me Dudley," he commanded and Dudley slowly met his eyes. "You're so afraid of dying and yet you drove yourself to death's door. Well, you got off really easy, unbelievable easy. You get another chance. Not many people do, so try not to screw it up. It's your life, grab onto it and decided how you want to spend it. Everyone dies in the end. What are you going to do until then?" Harry held Dudley's gaze trying to psychically hammer his message into Dudley's brain. Petunia walked in, back in her frilly pink dressing gown, and demanded to know what was going on.

"Nothing, Aunt Petunia, we were just talking." Petunia watched him move to the door with narrowed eyes. Harry stopped at the door and turned to Dudley. "Good night Dudders, mummy's here to take care of you now," he said in a high sing-song voice. Dudley glared and looked away. Harry closed the door behind him.

Harry walked across the hall to his bedroom. Severus was sitting on his bed, propped up on his pillows, reading a parchment.

"I have some of the strangest conversations. I mean how can you go from a discussion of sexual preference to the fear of death?" Harry stripped down to his t-shirt and boxers. Severus glanced over and then quickly away.

"I would not hazard a guess. And for the record, I do not believe you to be tainted in any manner. You did what you did out of necessity, not malice and the intent makes all the difference."

Harry sat on his bed. "Thanks," he said softly. "Guess I need to fix that loose floor board in the hall."

"Mmm, there are two," Severus said without looking up.

He watched Severus read for a bit. "Whatcha got?"

Severus looked up and sighed, "It arrived a short time ago. I'm not sure what to make of it." He handed the parchment to Harry.

Dear Mr. Snape,

I'm sure that Harry has relayed our recent conversation regarding the rejection of your book proposal by several publishers. I was quite distressed to inform him that the rejections were due to politics rather than merit. However, I believe there may be a solution. Today I lunched with an acquaintance from an American publishing firm; John Scriblen of Erudite Press. Mr. Scriblen told me how the Department of Magical Education in America was updating it Defense Against the Dark Arts curriculum in light of recent events here. I informed him there was a quality textbook in progress, authored by someone directly involved in the war, but was unlikely to be published in England due to political opposition. Mr. Scriblen expressed a great desire to read your proposal, not at all dismayed by your problems. Therefore, I suggest you forward your synopsis and outline to him immediately, care of The Leaky Cauldron. He has assured me that the matter will be kept strictly confidential.

Sincerely,

Terry Boot

"This is fabulous Severus. I can have Hedwig go out immediately." Harry was grinning, but Severus looked wary. Harry's grin faded. "You still think it's some prank. That I'm priming you so I can pull the rug out from under your feet?" Harry's voice was harsh and angry.

"No," Severus said quietly, "But someone is targeting me and how do I know that Boot's not involved?"

Harry relaxed and smiled again. "Severus the whole world is not against you," Severus arched an eyebrow, "only part of it." Severus snorted. "Let's do this. Your proposal has already circulated so it can't hurt to send it out again. Then while you get back to work on your book, I'll have someone look into John Scriblen of Erudite Press and see if it's legitimate." Severus seemed to consider Harry's words for a while before responding.

"I concur. It will be good to have something to occupy my time; however I will need to acquire some sort of paying job to support the expense of this undertaking. I also need to reimburse you." Severus looked at Harry pointedly.

Harry groaned and slumped back onto his bed. "Severus, didn't you ever have any friends? Don't answer that, it was rhetorical." Harry looked over to see Severus glaring at him. "Friends take care of each other, look out for each other. They don't worry about being even because they know the other would do the same for them. I don't want reimbursement. As far as financial support while writing your book, I suggest applying for a grant. I know just the organization. They're dedicated to assisting victims of Voldemort and you over-qualify there." Harry gave an impish smile while Severus looked thoughtful.

"You consider me a friend?" asked Severus.

"Yes, a prickly bastard of a friend, but a friend nonetheless."

Severus gave him a sharp look but said, "I shall apply for this grant. And we will revisit the topic of reimbursement at later date." Harry sighed heavily. "For now I will get the necessary information to Mr. Scriblen." Severus got up, retrieved his parchment from Harry, and swept out of the room.

Harry crawled under the blankets, chuckled and murmured, "Grant approved."

***

"Tell me what happened," said Harry. He and Severus sat in their overstuffed chairs before the stone fireplace, the younger man keeping his gaze firmly on the other. 'This has become our time to talk, at night with just the firelight,' Harry thought, tucking his feet under him. 'Maybe it's easier to open up when it's not so bright.'

Earlier that day, after drafting a grant proposal to the White Bumblebee Foundation, Severus had gone to Hogwarts. There were several rare books in the Restricted Section of the library that he wanted to review. Harry spent a domestic day at home caring for Dudley. While eating dinner with Hypericia, Severus returned. He swept into the cottage, pale-faced and thin-lipped, slammed the door and disappeared down into the potions lab. Harry managed to coax him out much later after assurances that Hypericia had left and that the Dursleys had retired.

Severus sat now in 'his' chair with arms wrapped around his chest, feet flat on the floor, staring into the fire.

"Severus, what happened?" asked Harry.

"I went to Hogwarts. It was as you said, physically painful to return." Severus stopped for a long pause before continuing. "I went directly to the library. Madame Pince was surprised to see me but seemed happy to tell me of some recent acquisitions. I thought nothing of her sending a student off on an errand; I did it all the time. I began my work. Madame Pince was clearly watching me but I ignored her, after all, I was considered dead for seven years and am now something of curiosity. When two professors arrived, I knew she had sent for them."

"Who arrived?"

"Professors Corner and Chamberlain. They introduced themselves and prattled. Chamberlain asked after you." Severus looked over at Harry.

Harry shrugged, "He flirted with me."

"He looks to be the type."

"What type is that?" Harry asked.

"A flirt. I never would have supposed a genetic relationship between him and Longbottom," said Severus. "He did not study at Hogwarts."

Harry chuckled. "They seem quite different on the surface, don't they? I've only met Winston the one time, so I don't really know him. Why do you think that Madam Pince sent for them?"

"Because they stayed to watch me. After I excused myself from their blabber and returned to work, they sat at a table where they could view me easily. They did no research, had no books, they just talked. Madam Pince did not quiet them. They directed students away from the Restricted Section."

"But why?"

"As the atmosphere was completely disagreeable, I found myself unable to concentrate on taking notes and so I decided to talk to Minerva. Corner and Chamberlain insisted on walking with me to the headmistress's office and kept me 'company' until Minerva arrived."

"Did Dumbledore's portrait speak to you?" asked Harry.

Severus swallowed, "Later." He turned from Harry to stare into the fire again.

"Go on, Severus," Harry prompted.

"Minerva arrived and dismissed Corner and Chamberlain. I asked her why I was being watched and escorted. She sat behind her desk and looked at me for a long time before she spoke. 'Severus,' she said, 'as headmistress I must put my students and their welfare before everything, even my own feelings.' 'Of course,' I said, 'but how does that relate to me?' 'There has been talk concerning sexual misconduct on your part with a minor.' I was too stunned to speak. She also told me that the Ministry is considering opening a formal investigation." Severus lowered his gaze, eyes unfocused. Harry doubted that he actually saw the floor.

"Shit, Severus, who did you piss off? An investigation based on hearsay?" Harry ran both hands through his hair. "Did she say anything else, like who is talking?"

Severus shook his head. "I left in a daze after that."

"What did Dumbledore's portrait say?" Harry waited and got no response. "Severus, what did he say?"

Severus swallowed several times before whispering, "He said he had complete faith in me." Severus leaned forward, propped his elbows on his knees and masked his face with his hands.

Harry stared at Severus, taking in his new posture, and then slowly stood. "Bloody fucking hell, Severus, you didn't!" Harry waited for Severus to yell at him for being an idiot or to deny it vehemently or to do something other than sit, hunched, face hidden.

Severus muttered, "Once," behind his hands.

"Fuck," Harry began pacing. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. How could you!" Harry shouted. "You were a teacher!" Severus didn't move from his cowered position, his body clearly trembling. Harry continued pacing for several minutes before dropping back into his chair.

"Who was it?" Harry demanded.

"Michael Mulciber." Harry remembered the boy. Michael was the backup Slytherin seeker and three years younger than him. He had curly black hair, a slim seeker build and quick reflexes.

"When?"

"February before the final battle."

"Only once? Only him?"

"Once, just once and only him."

"Did you force him? Did you hurt him?" Harry's stomach twisted around inside him. "Did you penetrate him?"

"Yes," Severus' voice was muffled by his hands. "I penetrated him."

Harry leaped to his feet and Severus flinched. "He was fourteen!" Harry hissed and Severus nodded. Harry looked down on him for a moment before stalking into the kitchen. He paced there where he could no longer look at Severus.

Seventh year had been hell for Harry as for many others. Voldemort's attacks were increasingly horrific as his desperation mounted. Harry witnessed multitudes of deaths, both in person and through his visions. Harry began seeking comfort through sex. Years later he realized that while having sex with all those girls was certainly enjoyable, he really just wanted the comfort of sleeping next to the warmth of a living being. 'And what was Severus going through then?' thought Harry. 'All the years he spent spying, always a breath from being discovered, especially near the end, how could he have been feeling?' Harry walked back to the living room. Severus had not moved. Here was a man who had once terrified Harry, sneer at the ready, insult waiting on his lips... and now Severus was a shriveled shadow, all his props kicked out from under him.

Harry sat once more, crossed his legs, crossed his arms and locked his eyes on Severus. "Explain."

Severus shuddered and, taking his hands from his face, he clasped them as if in prayer and rested his chin on them. His face was dry, pale and dull, and he spoke in a monotone.

"It was known that I did not care for women and Death Eaters would routinely offer their boys to me. I always declined. I explained that Albus was watchful and I could not jeopardize my position at Hogwarts. But I had no interest in children. I wanted to protect them, guide them away from what many were destined for, and not have sex with them. I understood my duty." Severus sighed. "Michael was offered many times." Severus paused again and closed his eyes. "I had killed that night; a man of the Order whose knowledge could have helped the Dark Lord. There was no escape and the man thanked me for killing him mercifully. Michael came to me while I was drinking Firewhiskey in my office afterward. I gave in. I just wanted..." Severus' voice trailed off.

"Just wanted the warmth of life after the cold of death," said Harry.

Severus nodded. "Something like that. There was no one in my life in that way. He was not a virgin..."

"That doesn't make it right, Severus," Harry said.

"No, but I do not believe I hurt him." Harry and Severus sat listening to the popping of the pitch in the fire for a long while, both lost in thought.

"Dumbledore didn't know," said Harry.

"No. I couldn't bring myself to tell him of how I failed. He knew something was wrong but things were so bad then, it was easy to put the blame elsewhere. I began taking a potion that rendered me impotent; I would not be tempted again. I planned on dying in the last battle, hopefully bringing many of the Dark Lord's faithful with me. I was to give my life in atonement. I failed that as well." Severus sighed. "Now someone knows and is using that information to make my mockery of a life even more miserable." Severus slumped back in his chair looking so lifeless that Harry concluded that this was what a person looked like after a Dementor's Kiss.

"Severus, look at me and tell me that you feel no sexual desire for children," said Harry.

Severus lifted his head and locked eyes with Harry. "I swear on Albus Dumbledore's spirit that I have no sexual interest in any child." Harry nodded and Severus let his head flop back.

"I am still appalled. I've never believed you to be an innocent," Severus snorted, "and I have no trouble accepting that you have killed people and that you've probably perpetrated other crimes." Severus gave a nod. "But this was a child and despite the fact that Michael was willing and experienced, what you did was wrong. You broke a very sacred trust." Harry stopped to clear his throat several times and watched as a tear slid down Severus' still face.

"I want another honest answer," said Harry. "Were you sexually abused as a child?"

"Yes," whispered Severus. "But it does not excuse my behavior."

"No, it doesn't. It explains some things though." Harry let his head fall back on the cushion as well and he watched the firelight skitter in random patterns across the ceiling. He jumped when Severus began speaking as Severus hadn't said anything that night without prompting first.

"I grew up believing my father to be a powerful man. My mother and I certainly found his fists powerful enough. When I was nine I found out that despite our pureblood status, my father was nothing more that an errand-boy for the Dark Lord. He was nearly a squib, unable to Apparate or to perform any of the Unforgivables; a sad joke of a wizard. Being an angry nine year old and an idiot, I taunted him with this knowledge during a beating. That was the first time he raped me, to show me just how much power the weakest wizard had over me."

Severus sat up to look at Harry, speaking more animatedly now. "He wanted to break me, instead he hardened something inside of me; my will to be everything my father was not. Where he was weak, I would be strong. Where he was ridiculed, I would be respected. Where he was a fool, I would be cunning." Severus eyes lit with passion. "I studied everything my father's paltry library contained. He often bought books on the Dark Arts only to find he was too weak to work the magic. I consumed those books, their very words were life-giving blood and as I came to understand them, my eyes were opened to possibilities I would have never conceived; life didn't have to be this way." Severus gave a long sigh.

"He continued to rape me routinely." The light in his eyes faded and his face became wan. "It became no longer physically painful but emotionally it was devastating. I hadn't learned yet how to harden my heart. He always made it sound like a chore; the garbage needs to be taken out no matter how disgusting you find it." Severus snorted. "Even ignoring my appearance did not discourage him, it just gave him more ammunition. 'This will teach you your place boy. You're filthy and ugly. No one wants you, not even me; I'm just doing my duty. You will amount to nothing and any success you have will be because of me.' I was thrilled when I got my Hogwarts letter; at last I could escape. I was warned not to speak of my home life unless I wanted to risk my mother's life. There was no need of the warning; I was too ashamed to speak of it." Severus stopped and his eyes lost focus.

"Hogwarts was not the salvation you were hoping for," said Harry.

"Yes and no," replied Severus, coming back to himself. "Hogwarts taught me that those possibilities that I dreamed of could become realities with enough work and I also learned how to go about tapping into the magic that Hogwarts doesn't teach.

"But I found no acceptance there. My father's poor reputation haunted me. Among purebloods, including your father and Black, I was ridiculed and as I would have nothing to do with mudbloods," Harry glared at him and Severus shrugged, "that's what they were to me then. I had no friends or companionship.

"In sixth year I came to Lucius Malfoy's attention for my potion-making abilities. I became useful. Lucius was a year ahead of me. He was also popular and beautiful and allowed me to associate with him; I fell for his flattery. Lucius presented me to the Dark Lord after graduation and I went willingly. Between Lucius and the Dark Lord, I thought I had found immense power and respect. The night I was marked was truly a celebration and the Dark Lord gave me a gift, my father. I tortured my father until he was insane before I killed him." Severus cold black eyes held Harry motionless. "I know my soul is blacker than hell because I still feel nothing about having done that." Harry forced himself to break the contact and try to make sense of his jumbled emotions, anger, sadness, disgust and empathy all fought a wretched war and his innards began to pain him.

"What made you leave?" whispered Harry.

"The Dark Lord raped me." Harry stared at Severus who seemed impassive. "I got too cocky and he put me in my place. Apparently he had a long conversation with my father before giving my father to me. I knew the Dark Lord had the power to break me, unlike my father. So I went to the only person I knew who had the power to withstand the Dark Lord. I returned to Hogwarts and literally threw myself at Dumbledore's feet. I told him everything. I didn't even understand what I wanted at that point, but whatever it was I knew that Dumbledore was best path to getting there.

"After I told him my entire unedited life story, he looked at me and said 'Oh my child, if only I had known" and then he held me while I cried from a heart I didn't know existed anymore." Severus' chin began to tremble. "I was given rooms at Hogwarts and spent hours upon hours talking with Albus. He made me believe that he cared, that I was worthy of being cared for, that my drive and ambition were not wrong just misdirected, that there was more power in restraint, that respect was earned, that..." Tears began coursing down his face and he choked on his words.

Harry moved off his chair and placed a hand on Severus' shoulder. Severus shoved it away. "I wanted Albus to be proud of me," he gasped. "I spied because I wanted to give something back for what Albus had given me. I failed him and now he's gone..." Severus buried his head in his hands again, sobbing, body shaking as the grief tore through him.

Harry hovered nearby, wondering what to do. Part of him wanted to comfort Severus for all the pain Severus had endured; another part wanted Severus out of his life for all horrible things Severus had done. 'This is where Dumbledore would tell me to remember my heart,' thought Harry, 'but it's just as confused as the rest of me.' Harry knelt beside Severus' chair, rested his arms on the arm of the chair and laid his head on his arms. He watched Severus' agony. 'He has suffered,' Harry sighed. 'Is it enough? What would his life have been like if he had come from a loving home? Would he have done these things if he had? Does it make it any less wrong because he had such a horrible upbringing? Did he go to Dumbledore for anything else but protection? Does he understand right and wrong? Is it even that simple? Will it serve any purpose for me to turn him over to the Ministry?' Harry closed his eyes and tried to answer his own questions, but found Severus' keening washed away everything but Harry's own soul-penetrating sadness.

Severus was taking shaky gulps of air when Harry reached out and lightly touched his hand. Severus jerked away. Harry got up, poured two glass of Firewhiskey and returned to Severus.

"Here, drink this, I don't have any calming potions," Harry held a glass to Severus. Severus took it with two trembling hands and stared into it. "It's just Firewhiskey," said Harry bringing up his glass to his mouth, tipping his head back and emptying the glass in one smooth swallow. Severus shot down the contents of his glass and held it up for more. Harry poured another round and dropped into his chair. He closed his eyes and let the warmth of the Firewhiskey work its way through his frazzled system. When he opened his eyes, he took a long look at Severus. Even while a shadow may still seem animated, Severus had become a winter leaf long ago ripped from the tree, lifeless and disintegrating. Harry drained his second glass and set it aside.

"I don't even know where to begin," Harry said, "but I find that I still care about you." Severus raised his eyes to look at Harry in disbelief. "I don't believe giving you to the Ministry will make things right, therefore we are going to muddle through this somehow."

"No, you are better off-" Severus started, before Harry quickly interrupted.

"Yes, we will do this together. I know enough about me that given a different push in life, I could have easily have walked a path similar to yours." Severus snorted. "Believe what you may, but that is what I believe. I also believe in Albus Dumbledore and that you are worth caring about." Harry held Severus' eyes, wishing again for psychic abilities to get his message across.

"You made a mistake. A huge mistake, but I can see that it is one that truly bothers you. I don't believe you are a pedophile or that you are a risk to society. I feel that you've suffered enough." Harry leaned over and clasped one of Severus' hands in his two. "You've atoned for this long enough, Severus." Severus tugged his hand away. "But considering what you've told me of your life, I doubt you'll let it go easily." Severus shook his head. "Therefore the first thing we need to do is arrange for you to receive counseling."

"What?" asked Severus.

"Something like your talks with Dumbledore. I'm surprised that wizards don't have counselors but Muggles do. They are people trained to help people who've been hurt, like you, to work through their issues, learn to cope and help them heal. I will always be available for you to talk to but I don't have the knowledge or experience to truly help you heal. Your issues don't really stem from magic so we can use a Muggle counselor. They vow confidentiality but we can reinforce that."

"You want me to see a Muggle 'counselor'? Why are you doing all this?" Severus looked puzzled.

"Because I care. Because you are worth caring about."

"I don't understand how you could care about me, I am filth." Severus still looked confused. "And I've done nothing but make your life wretched both in school and now in your home. Why do you care?"

"Severus, we've been through this before and I doubt you'll believe my reasons now if you didn't believe them then. You'll just have to accept that I do. I care. I guess I'm just going to have to keep repeating that until it sinks in. And you don't always make my life wretched or why would you have turned down my bed, put out my night clothes or try to comfort me by telling me that I'm not tainted by the killing I've done?" Harry cocked his head and waited for an answer.

"Perhaps so you wouldn't wake me and so I wouldn't have to listen to your whining?" Severus sneered.

Harry chuckled, "Good to see you back in form, Severus. Will you go to see the counselor?"

"Yes," he muttered.

Harry sighed in relief. "Good. Next, do you think Michael Mulciber is talking?"

"No, that is quite puzzling. I was so ashamed afterward that I Obliviated Michael. He shouldn't remember anything."

Harry's eyebrows knit together in bewilderment. "Did Michael ever approach you in public?"

"I taught my Slytherins to be discrete."

"Malfoy failed there, Severus, perhaps someone else wasn't so discrete." Harry chewed on his bottom lip. "Maybe the 'talker' is lying and is hoping the investigation, which will almost assuredly be leaked to the press, will be damaging enough even if you're found innocent. They may not even know about Michael."

"Plausible," said Severus. "And being questioned under Veritaserum would certainly reveal some crime, being a former Death Eater; perhaps someone is looking for an excuse to put me away."

Harry nodded. "We need to find Michael Mulciber and see if he's talked. I wonder if that face you saw sometimes during your internment is important. I think we should view those memories in the pensieve that Dumbledore left me."

Severus looked at Harry. "What face?"

"The man you said you saw. The same face, at different places, who seemed familiar but you couldn't place. You said it was a man but you couldn't name him." Harry was starting to feel a squirming worry in his belly.

"Harry, I have no idea what you're talking about." Severus said.

"Severus, we talked about it after one of Grant Moven's physical therapy sessions. I remember it clearly." The squirming was increasing.

Severus shook his head. "I remember that sadist Moven and we often talked after he left but I know nothing about a face."

Harry swallowed the squirm that was climbing up his throat. "Severus, I think you've been Obliviated."

Severus stared.

"Even worse, I think it happened today at Hogwarts. Where else could it have happened? If it was Grant Moven or Hypericia, they would have done it long before you could have talked to me and you weren't recognized in Diagon Alley that one time. It had to be at Hogwarts." Harry got up and poured himself another drink. 'Maybe I can drown that squirm,' he thought.

"That will narrow down our suspects," said Severus. He appeared thoughtful. "Someone didn't want me to remember that for a reason. But they erred in not making sure that we hadn't discussed it."

"Yes," said Harry. "We're going to ferret this out and put an end to it." Harry drained his third glass of Firewhiskey. "I can't think anymore Severus. It's time for bed and to let my subconscious work through this overwhelming amount of information."

Severus nodded. "I'm not sure how well I'll sleep knowing my mind has been fucked with. I may not like a lot of my memories but they are mine and no one has the right to tamper with them." He looked into his still full glass of Firewhiskey and drained it. Both men headed up the stairs.

After the usual nighttime preparations were complete, Harry sat on the edge of his bed, fidgeting.

"What?" asked Severus. "After everything we've said tonight, there shouldn't be any taboo topics."

"Seventh year I found comfort by sleeping with someone. I usually seduced my way into some girl's bed, but I'm not talking about sex right now." Harry took a deep breath. "Would you like to sleep next to me? Just sleep, no sex. I think that you could use the comfort of a warm body beside you; I know I could. But if that makes you too uncomfortable, I understand, you don't seem to like me touching you."

"I...I feel dirty...and most of the touches I've received haven't been pleasant." Severus looked away from Harry.

"You're not dirty," said Harry. "People need to be touched and I won't do anything you find unpleasant. I'm not planning to do anything at all; I just want you sleep next to me."

Seeing that Severus was avoiding his gaze, Harry gave a reassuring smile. "It's okay Severus. I'm pushing too hard." Harry crawled into bed and murmured, "Goodnight."

Severus flicked off the lights and Harry heard him pacing. Then a weight settled on the edge of Harry's bed and Severus whispered, "Just sleep?"

"Yeah, just sleep," Harry whispered back.

Severus moved under the covers next to Harry. "The bed's too small," and Severus started to leave. Harry murmured an incantation and the bed grew back to its original size and the second bed disappeared.

"I'll change it back if you want," said Harry when Severus lay back down. Severus shook his head and he lay on his back, rigid with tension. "Try lying on your side, facing me," whispered Harry. Severus looked warily at Harry before turning to his side. Harry rolled onto his side and scooted close to Severus, his back to Severus' chest. Harry hoped that Severus felt more in control lying in this manner and after a time he felt Severus relax. Then an arm slid around Harry's waist and from the little hitches of breath and the trembling of his body Harry knew Severus was weeping quietly. Harry gently laid his hand over Severus' and let himself be held. As his repressed emotions eased, Severus' breath evened out again and Harry let the soft sound lull him into slumber.