Can't Stop the Queers

CAN'T STOP THE QUEERS

When Harry awoke he had a terrible hangover. He couldn't believe that he'd managed to chug 14 bottles of vodka in 5 minutes last night. He'd also managed 20 Bud Lites and a Mike's Hard Lemonade.

"Ron," Harry said as he shook Ron. "Wake up Ron."

"Go away, Harry. I feel like shit," was Ron's reply. Harry was about to tell him to take a pain killer when he remembered that he had taken all of them when they had run out of ecstasy pills. Harry looked out the window to see a huge hearse, with a huge coffin inside, drive away. He vaguely remembered Hagrid attempting to swim while both drunk and high. He started to cry when he remembered that Hagrid had failed to swim and had drowned. A very loud snore told him that Ron had fallen asleep again. Harry sniffed loudly and stopped crying. He was being a baby. I never really liked Hagrid anyway, Harry reminded himself, I was just using him for his tea.

"Ron get up, you little cunt," said Harry, chucking a shoe at him.

"Dammit, Harry, I think you broke my nose," said Ron, clutching his nose as blood spattered everywhere.

"Then go down to the hospital wing and get it fixed."

* * *

When Ron got to the hospital Draco Malfoy was already there, puking for all he was worth.

"I wonder who's substituting for that oaf, Hagrid," said Draco.

"Whoever it is, I hope they're not as stupid as him," said Ron. Ron looked around the hospital wing. He noticed Neville Longbottom in a bed next to Draco. "What's that fat-ass fuck doing here?" asked Ron.

"Don't you remember? Last night we ran out of joints so he tried to use his wand as a joint, and it backfired on him. He's been having seizures all morning, and it's getting really annoying," answered Draco.

"Why don't you just kill him?" inquired Ron.

"I don't want to go to Azkaban for it," replied Draco.

"Make it look like an accident," said Ron.

"How am I supposed to do that?" asked Draco.

"Push him out the window, and when Madame Pomfrey comes out, tell her he leaned out of the window to far," replied Ron.

"Okay," agreed Draco. He turned to Neville. "Look, Neville, it's a pretty bird right outside the window!" Draco told him excitedly.

"Where?" asked Neville, even more excitedly, leaning out the window and looking around. Draco kicked him in the back as hard as he could. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" screamed Neville, as he fell out the window. There was a sickening THWAK! when Neville hit the ground. He lay limp on the ground.

"I think you killed him," said Ron shakily.

"No shit, we're on the 8th floor," said Draco, sneering. "And look, Finnigan's crying over that fat lump."

"Yes we've had suspicions that Seamus is in love with that dipshit in the past," said Ron, also sneering.

"Where's Longbottom?" asked a voice behind them, making them both jump. Draco turned around, but Ron didn't, because when he jumped in surprise, he had accidentally jumped out the window.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" Ron shrieked, as he fell out of the window. There was a sickening THWAK when he hit the ground.

* * *

Harry was on his way to Hagrid's hut, thinking that maybe there was some liquor left over from last night, when suddenly Ron landed on top of him.

"Thanks for breaking my fall, Harry," said Ron, "I really appreciate it." Ron looked at Harry and realized he was dead, or so he thought.

"Harry! HARRY!" shouted Ron, shaking Harry.

"Here," said Hermione, handing Ron a bottle of tequila, "revive him with a bit of this."

"That stuff sucks!" said Harry, sputtering and coughing, "You could have at least given me some o' that old spiced rum."

"You drank all of that last night. Don't you remember?"

"Oh yeah," said Harry, chuckling. "I got so mad that there was none left , I broke the bottle over Professor Flitwick's head." They all broke out into a fit of laughter. They were soon joined by Seamus Finnigan and Neville Longbottom. Ron was so surprised, he stopped laughing.

"I thought you were dead," he said to Neville.

"I was, but Seamus revived me by doing mouth-to-mouth," Neville explained. Seamus grinned from ear to ear.

"Seamus, why would you want to revive him? He's a faggot."

"Because he's my faggot," said Seamus, still grinning in a gay sort of way.

Why is he acting like such a faggot?, Harry wondered.

Dean Thomas wondered over to them. "Hey, sexy," he said, in what he thought was a very deep and sexy voice.

"I'm sorry, Dean, but I'm not interested in you, I'm interested in Harry," said Hermione, trying her best not to grimace in disgust as she thought of her and Dean Thomas together.

"I wasn't talking to you, bitch, I was talking to the redhead beauty," he said, in the same voice.

"Who, me?" asked Ginny, who had just walked over to them, deeply flattered.

"Not you either, bitch, I was talking to him," he said, dropping his deep and sexy voice and pointing at Ron.

"Me?" asked Ron, deeply flattered.

Oh my god, thought Harry, why is everybody acting like queers?

"Why don't you and me go to the lake and skinnydi-, uh, I mean swim with the giant squid?" asked Dean, adopting the deep and sexy voice again. "We can bring this bottle of sex grease, uh, I mean sun tan lotion."

"Sure, I can't wait to learn how to screw, uh, I mean swim," said Ron, as he ran off, giggling, with Dean.

"What has gotten into everybody?" asked Hermione, as she saw Draco and Dumbledore holding hands and skipping.

"I don't know, but it sure is disgusting," said Harry, as he saw Professor Flitwick making out with Vincent Crabbe.

"I think I might throw up," gagged Hermione when she saw Gregory Goyle and Marcus Flint kissing.

"Let's get out of here," said Harry, as he saw Terry Boot and Roger Davies giving each other back rubs.

* * *

"What're we gonna do?" asked Hermione, retching into a bucket.

"I don't know, but we better do something quic- eaghhhahghgha!!" Harry didn't get to finish his sentence, because he had started retching into the bucket in mid-sentence, as Snape's dead head was performing oral sex on Zacharias Smith. Harry and Hermione went to the hospital wing because, after retching 5 times in a row, they didn't feel too well.

"What do you want?" demanded Madam Pomfrey in a sad voice.

"Medicine for my stomach," said Hermione sweetly.

"I'll just have some hard liquor," said Harry innocently.

"And I'll have 2 coffins for these two children," said an icy, high-pitched voice making all three of them jump. Unfortunately, Madam Pomfrey jumped a bit to far to the left, and fell out of the window.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" screeched Pomfrey, as she fell from the window. There was a sickening THWACK when she hit the ground. Harry turned around and found himself face-to-face with Lord Voldemort. He was holding hands with Lucius Malfoy.

"Well, well, well. The dream team. I'd never have thought that I would kill you here of all places," said Voldemort, smiling. "I got Dumbledore drunk. I went to bed with him. I woke up before him and stole his Pensieve. I now know what the prophecy says."

"You'll not going to kill me, I'm going to kill you!" said Harry defiantly.

"No you're not. Oh, don't you see Harry? You can't stop the queers!" said Voldemort, eyes flashing excitedly. He then became so happy that he did a little dance to himself, but he stepped to far to the right and fell out of the window. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" squealed Voldemort, as he fell. There was a sickening THWACK when he hit the ground.