Can't Stop The Beers

Harry looked at all the girls sitting in the Gryffindor common room. He didn't know which one to take to the dance his school was going have. He might invite Hermione because everyone else was either butt-ass ugly or already taken by somebody. Dumbledore had given them a speech about puberty and had encouraged everyone to screw after the dance was over.

So Harry was looking for someone who both looked good naked and was good in bed. The only reason harry hadn't already asked Hermione to the dance was because he didn't want to be responsible for impregnating her. Suddenly he had a very nasty thought: I could invite a guy. Harry looked at some of the guys in the common room. Seamus Finnigan didn't seem too bad. Harry had seen his penis while they were dressing. It was pretty big. When Harry looked at Dean Thomas he shuddered. He had a whole shitload of hair but you needed a microscope and tweezers to find his cock. He also had about 200,000 zits on his ass. Harry didn't want to date Neville because he had never seen his winky; it was covered by a bunch of fat. The person Harry really wanted to shag was Ron. His penis was HUGE. Harry also noticed that Ron was getting a really nice body from playing Quidditch. Harry turned his attention back to the girls. He was being stupid and disgusting. His parents hadn't died just so Harry could be a homosexual. Harry thoughts drifted over to the Slytherin common room where Draco was probably fussing over his hair. Other than the fact that he was an arrogant bastard, who always made fun of Harry, Draco Malfoy was perfect in every way. There were only two days left until the dance. Maybe I'll invite myself, thought Harry, I'm the best looking of the lot. Harry went up to bed, thinking he would invite someone tomorrow.

* * *

Draco knew he had very little time to invite someone to the dance. He had his mind set on Professor McGonagall, but he knew she was way out of his league. He decided to send an owl home asking his dad for a spell that would let him control McGonagall for a while.

* * *

Snape desperately wanted to invite Hagrid to the dance, but he knew that Hagrid would squash him like a bug if he asked him to go. Snape had seen Madame Maxime and Hagrid going at it. Hagrid was an animal in bed! Hagrid looked delicious in the nude. Snape wanted all of him. He started walking toward Hagrid's hut. Maybe Hagrid has secret feelings toward me after all, Snape thought.

* * *

Hagrid was midway through making tea when someone knocked on the door. Hoping it was Maxime, he got up and answered the door. He was disappointed to see it was Snape. Hagrid was about to ask what he wanted when Snape asked him to the dance. Hagrid punched him as hard as he could. He hit him square on the chin. The blow knocked his head off and sent it flying through the air. It landed twenty feet away in Hagrid garden.

* * *

Professor McGonagall watched interestedly as Snape walked toward Hagrid's hut. She could think of no reason to why Snape would go to Hagrid's in the middle of the night. She saw Snape knock on the door. She saw Hagrid open the door. She saw Snape say something to Hagrid, and watched in horror as Hagrid punched Snape so hard that his head flew off his shoulders and landed about twenty feet away in Hagrid's garden. She ran to the Owlery and sent a note to the ministry of magic telling them to come immediately. Next she ran as fast as her old legs could carry her to Albus Dumbldore's office.

* * *

Professor Dumbledore was in the middle of a sexual fantasy about Madam Pince when McGonagall ran into his office. Stupid, ugly bitch, thought Dumbledore. When he heard the news of Snape's death, Dumbledore inwardly cheered. He had always hated that useless bastard. But on the outside he looked sad. He walked to Hagrid's hut and knocked on the door. When Hagrid opened the door his face was red and puffy from tears.

* * *

Hagrid really wasn't crying because he had just killed Snape. He was crying because he had just broken his dick while masturbating. He had been beating his meat because he had suddenly thought about Dobby the house elf. Whenever he thought about Dobby his cock got as stiff as a flag pole and his upper lip got all sweaty. Just as Hagrid was about to tell them to get the ruddy hell away from his house, when the Ministry showed up and Stunned him. He woke up in a cell in Azkaban.

* * *

Hermione was on her way up to Professor Flitwick's office to tell him her true feelings about him. I'll just say, "How sexy how's it going?" And he'll be like, "Pretty good, babe." And I'll be like, "Wanna go to the dance with me, and after that I'll teach you a few tricks in bed?" And he'll be like, "Sure sexy," thought Hermione. When she got to his office she got so nervous that all that she could do was make a soft moaning sound. After asking if she felt okay, Flitwick rushed Hermione to the hospital wing. Hermione recovered her voice halfway to the hospital wing. She told Flitwick that she felt all right and that she only wanted to ask him to the dance and to shag afterward. He started puking violently and Hermione had to rush him to the hospital wing.

* * *

In the end Hagrid went to the dance with a dementor, Professor Flitwick went with Professor Trelanwey, Dumbledore went with Ginny Weasley, Madam Pince went with Madam Pomfrey, Draco dug up Snape's head and went with it, Professor McGonagall went with Ron, and to the great annoyance of Anedac, Harry went with Hermione. They all got so drunk most of them past out before the shagging began. They just couldn't stop the beers.

* * *

THE END