Gee, Auror Moody

A Filk of Gee, Officer Krupke from West Side Story

It is the summer following GoF Draco Malfoy, Gregory Goyle, Vincent Crabbe, Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini are loitering around Diagon Alley. Alastor Moody sees them.

Moody: (whistle) Hey, you!

Draco: Who me?

Moody: Yeah, you!

Draco: Why it is Alastor Moody, Blaise-

Blaise: (quaking) Constant Vigilance, Moody.

Moody: You better watch boy, unless you enjoy being a ferret. (walks by and into Flourish and Blott's)

Gregory: Ya see, Aurors believe everything they read in the paper.

Draco: To them we aren't human. We're cruddy junior death eaters. So that's what we give 'em.

Gregory: (imitating Moody): Hey, you!

Draco: Me, Mr. Moody?

Gregory: Yeah, you! Gimme one good reason for not dragging you down to Azkaban, you punk!

Draco: Dear kindly Auror Moody,

You gotta understand,

It's just our bringing up-dy

That gets us out of hand.

Our fathers all are cruel,

Our mothers all are flakes,

Golly Merlin, natcherly we're snakes!

ALL: Gee, Auror Moody, we're very upset;

We never had the love that every child oughta get

We ain't no Death Eaters,

We're misunderstood,

Deep down inside us there is good!

Draco: There is good!

ALL: There is good, there is good,

There's an untapped good,

Like inside, the worst of us is good.

Gregory: (imitating Moody) That's a very good story!

Draco: Lemme tell it to the world!

Gregory: ("Moody") Just tell it to Mr. Fudge!

Draco: (to "Fudge") Dear kindly Fudge, your Honor,

My parents treat me rough,

When they have Dark Revels,

They beat me til I'm tough.

They didn't wanna have me,

But somehow I was had.

Creepy kappas, that's why I'm so bad!

Vincent: ("Fudge") Alastor Moody, you're really a square;

This boy don't need a judge,

He needs Snape's gentle care!

He's under hypnosis, that oughta be curbed.

He's ideologically disturbed!

Draco: I'm disturbed!

ALL: We're disturbed.

We're disturbed,We're the most disturbed,

Like we're idealogically disturbed.

Vincent ("Judge"):In the opinion of this court, this child is depraved on account he ain't had a normal home.

Draco: Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!

Vincent: ("Judge") So take him to his Head of House.

Draco: (to "Snape") My father's a dark wizard,

My ma went to Durmstrang.

My grandpa boils lizards,

My grandma sings a Siren's song,

My sister's in St. Mungo's,

My brother, Azkaban

Goodness gracious, that's why I ran!

Blaise: ("Snape") Yes! Auror Moody, you don't realize our strife.

This boy doesn't need my guidance, just a better choice for life.

Society's played him a terrible trick,

And sociologically he's sick!

Draco: I am sick!

ALL: We are sick, we are sick,

We are sick sick sick,

Like we're sociologically sick!

Blaise: ("Snape") In my opinion this child doesn't need your attentions at all. His actions are only the symptoms of a horrible fate!

Draco: Hey, I got a horrible fate!

Blaise: ("Snape") So take him to a divination counceller.

Draco: (to "Trelawney") Dear kindly Madame councellor.

They say go earn some gold,

I'd be an honest feller,

Which means to be boring as mold.

It's not I'm anti-money,

I'm only anti-work,

Help me Voldie, that's why I'm a jerk!

Pansy: (imitating Professor Trelawney) Eek! Auror Moody, consult a centaur.

It's written is the stars, he'll get a kiss from a Dementor.

It ain't just a question of misunderstood;

Deep down inside him, he's no good!

Draco: I'm no good!

ALL: We're no good, we're no good,

We're no earthly good,

Like the best of us is no damn good!

Vincent: ("Judge") The trouble is he's crazy!

Blaise: ("Snape") The trouble is his kin!

Pansy: ("Trelawney") The futures very hazy!

Vincent: ("Judge") The trouble is his sin!

Blaise: ("Snape") The trouble is he's stupid!

Pansy: ("Trelawney") The serpent sits on the lions throne!

ALL: Moody, we've got troubles of our own!

Gee, Auror Moody, Why must you berate,

'Cause no one wants a fella with a horrible fate.

Gee, Auror Moody, What are we to do!

Gee, Auror Moody, Sod you!