Dinner of Death

Lord Voldemort stood up from his seat at the head of the Table of Death, clearing his throat. It was the weekly Inner Circle Gathering at Malfoy Manor, and the Death Eaters had just finished eating. It wasn't death that they ate, though. It was roast lamb. "Today, you all have the honour of meeting our newest recruit," he began. "She is a brilliant witch, and her position in my Inner Circle must remain a secret at all costs. This young lady is amongst the most influential people to Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore, and I urge you to make her most welcome, for she will be our most valuable spy..."

Draco Malfoy leaned forward in his chair, anxious to see who this new spy was. He really needed the toilet but could not excuse himself until she had been formally introduced and the Dark Ritual performed on her.

"Let me introduce you to Miss Hermione Granger," Voldemort, said, and the cloaked figure of a woman entered through the double doors.

Draco fell off his chair.

"Get up!" Lucius Malfoy hissed at his son. Obediently, albeit shakily, Draco rose from the artic floor and sat back in his chair. Granger was staring at him curiously.

"Mr Malfoy, something seems to be the matter?" she asked inquiringly.

"Granger," Draco said, still in shock. Hermione Granger... Death Eater? It was ridiculous. "There is no way this is real. I am dreaming. No, I am having a nightmare. A really, really, REALLY strange nightmare. But still, a nightmare."

"I assure you, Mr Malfoy, you are not. This is very real, as I am sure you will realise if you just give yourself a pinch," Hermione said dryly, and turned to chat with the other members of the Circle.

"Excuse me, my Lord," Severus Snape rose from his chair, bowing to Voldemort. "But are we not going to perform the induction ritual?"

Voldemort stared long and hard at Snape. "Not at all, Severus. I would think that your brain has shrivelled up like Nagini's old skin, bless her. If we perform the ritual, she gets the dark mark. If she gets the dark mark, Dumbledore knows. And we cannot let Dumbledore know."

"Forgive me, my Lord," Snape said humbly, casting a furtive glance around him. Well, well, well. The Granger girl had let the allure of the ultimate power of darkness seduce her into joining the ranks of the Death Eaters. This would certainly earn him brownie points in Dumbledore's office later that night. And maybe, just maybe Snape would forgive him after that fight two nights previously. Snape and Dumbledore had been writhing around naked on the floor of the headmaster's office. Snape had accidentally, in a blind moment of passion, mistaken Fawkes', er, private bits for Dumbledore's and had caused the bird to explode because of his huge erection, only to have Fawkes catch fire and be reborn from the ashes in a matter of seconds, in the process burning all of Snape's pubic hair off and leave a ring of pussy burn around his dick. Snape still winced thinking about it.

The dessert came out, and after consuming the chocolate pudding greedily, Draco excused himself so as to use the bathroom.

Aaaah, he thought, the relief of letting it all out. He flushed the toilet, and backed out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

"Hello, handsome," a sultry voice said from behind him. Draco whirled around in shock.

"Granger?" he said incredulously. "Ok, this is just getting weird. First, you just enter the ranks of the prestigious Death Eaters, completely unannounced, AND you're a mud blood. Then, you come up here while I'm in the LOO and call me handsome. And now you have an incredibly disturbing yet sexy look in your eye that tells me you want to rip my clothes off and fuck me hard. Aah."

"You seem to have got the message, honey," Hermione said seductively. "Now, which one of these is your bedroom?"

Draco did a mental shrug. Well, he thought, what have I got to lose?

"This way," he said. When they got into his bedroom, Hermione quickly stripped down to her underwear and lay on his bed, waiting. But Draco had remembered something. He had a piano lesson the next day, and seen his piano sitting untouched for three days in the corner. He really needed to practise.

"Granger," he said. "D'you think you could just hold that thought? I just really need to perfect this piece for my teacher."

"Sure, I'll wait a little while babe," Hermione purred. "What are you playing?"

"Mozart's Symphony No. 5," Draco said absent-mindedly, and began to play. He got so lost in the music that he didn't notice the rest of the Death Eaters enter his bedroom, and when he finished, the death eaters applauded loudly.

"Oh, you were marvellous, Draco!" Hermione said reverently. "Do you think you play a favourite of mine?"

"Name it," he said arrogantly, "And I'll play it."

"Here Comes the Sun, by the Beatles," Hermione said. "It's my favourite song."

"Sure thing, I think I've heard it once or twice," Draco said, began to play.

Hermione sang the words...

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
And I say it's all right.
Little darling it's been a long cold lonely winter,
Little darling it feels like years since it's been here.

Here, the Death Eaters joined in.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
And I say it's all right.
Little darling the smiles returning to their faces,
Little darling it seems like it's years since it's been here,
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
And I say it's all right.
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes.
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes.
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes.
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes.
Little darling I feel that ice is slowly melting,
Little darling it seems like years since it's been clear,
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
It's all right, it's all right.

Hermione was in tears. Draco played absolutely beautifully. She knew she was going to regret what she was soon to do, but in the end the world depended on it.

At that moment, Voldemort staggered in, whisky in hand and dressed in a frilly pink dress.

"ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!" he sang drunkenly. "ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, LOVE! LOVE IS ALLLLLL YOU NEEEEED!"

"Oh, Voldy!" Lucius cried. "That is so true! I love you!"

"You...you do?" Voldemort stuttered.

"Oh, yes, I do! I admit it! Draco, son, I'm sorry. I did love your mother, I really did, but then she just died, and I realised that I was in love with Voldemort. I'm gay, son. I hope you can accept that."

"Meh. That's cool," Draco said nonchalantly. "Can you guys all, like, leave? I was going to fuck Granger before you all interrupted."

"Why?" Lucius enquired.

"I don't actually know. I mean, normally I wouldn't touch a mud blood with a ten foot pole, but I've found this one strangely alluring since fourth year. And she's hot. And it's free sex. Why would I say no?"

"A good point, son," Lucius accepted.

Voldemort stepped forward. "The people in this room seem to be forgetting one little problem. You see, Voldemort might not be gay. Voldemort might not WANT to have Lucius Malfoy love him. Nobody ever considers HIS feelings, do they? NO! So what if he has only ever screwed fish sticks? Dead mushed up fish make very good sexual partners, thank you very much. And what if, just WHAT IF he felt like killing you all now because you were annoying little SHEEP? HUH?"

"If that were the case, my Lord, if you were not gay, why are you dressed in that hot, frilly pink little dress and glaring at me in that seductive manner?" Lucius replied promptly.

"Well...well...ok, fine Voldemort wants you BAD Lucius Setylar Malfoy," the Dark Lord admitted.

"I have one request, my love," Lucius said. "I need to find a way to move the dark mark slightly...it's right on a vein and it throbs badly when I am aroused. Won't you please, PLEASE help me?"

"Not a problem, sweet Lucius," Voldemort said, and with a wave of his wand and a few well-chosen Latin words, the ugly tattoo crept half an inch sideways so it was off the vein.

During this whole display, the Death Eaters had remained stationary, watching the scene unfold before them. Hermione, however, had been busy whispering words of direction into her wristwatch, telling the Order of the Phoenix how to get to Malfoy Manor, and where in the house the Death Eaters were located. Almost directly after the tattoo had been shifted, the door burst open and the Order were firing spells everywhere. It took the Death Eaters by such surprise that all but two were either knocked out or dead within seconds. Ron stood above Draco, his wand pointed directly at his heart, and Harry had Voldemort in a headlock, Hermione holding the Dark Lord's wand in her hands.

With one quick movement, the length of wood was snapped in two.

"Noooooo!" Voldemort cried. "Hermione Granger, I trusted you! I thought you would be a spy for us, not them!"

"You're a bit gullible, then, aren't you? Some Dark Lord you are!" she said mockingly. "Harry, snap the bastard's neck would you?"

"With pleasure, Hermy," the Boy Who Lived said, grimacing at the task ahead of him. "Any last words, Voldy?"

"Hermione...don't do this! We could have it all! You and me, we could rule the world!"

"I don't want to rule the world. My head is big enough as it is, thank you!" she said. "Oh, wait, I just dissed myself. Oh well!"

"You're a horrible, traitorous, mud blood little wench, you know that?" Voldemort breathed menacingly. "One day, you will pay. Mr Malfoy here is CLEARLY in love with you, and all you are is a traitor!"

"DRACO has known about this all along!" Hermione spat. "Now, DIE!"

And with that, Harry snapped his neck and the prophecy was filled, and Voldemort was dead.

"Now it's your turn, Malfoy," Ron said, his mouth twisted into a rather unattractive sneer. "Though before I kill you, I must thank you for getting Hermione so naked. I've always wanted to see that."

"Ron, you little pervert, didn't you hear a word of what I said before?" Hermione said. "Draco has been in on this all along!"

"Huh?" Ron said. "How?"

"Oh, we've been dating for two years, Weasley," Malfoy drawled.

Ron's jaw dropped. "WHAT?"

"That's right, Ron," Hermione said. "Now, could you all leave us alone now? We were about to have nice passionate sex before you lot barged in."

~fin~