Vidi, Vici, Veni

Chapter Eleven

"Lethal Letters"

Ginny did her best to concentrate on her studies. She knew that Draco would not be happy if he felt that he was the reason why she didn't do well on her O.W.L.s. Even though she wanted nothing but to relive the memories of their meetings in her head, she made a sincere effort in her studies. Her grades actually improved with the help of Hermione's study tips.

Hermione would ask Ginny how she was doing, keeping the question as general as possible. Ginny would smile and say, "Fabulous!"

She really was feeling great. Draco had become her best friend and she felt that she was his, too. Though he never said it, she could tell.

Half of the time, they spent talking. They could kiss and explore each other's bodies for a while and then talk. After talking for while, they could go back to more carnal pursuits, then talk some more. It felt as though there wasn't anything they couldn't discuss.

Draco was charming, witty, very intelligent and kind. The kindness was something that he had hidden in his heart for so long. The only person he could express it with before was his mother. With Ginny, he found that he liked exploring this side to himself that his father had hoped to obliterate with dominance, fear and hate.

As time went by and he spent more hours with Ginny, he began to resent the fact that his father still held sway over him. He didn't want to hide his feeling for her from everyone else. He was tired of carrying on the façade of the spoilt, arrogant brat.

Draco was happy and he didn't feel the need to torture others to vent his frustrations over his previously empty and bitter life. Ginny had changed him and he liked who he was becoming.

He so wanted to walk down the halls holding her hand, but the thought of his father kept him chained to the plan of keeping their affections for one another secret. Ron he could deal with, Lucius was another matter.

When Draco was a young boy, if there was something he loved his father would take it away and destroy it. Lucius believed that love made one weak and not strong. It was this fact that Draco feared his growing love for Ginny would be discovered. If his father had almost caused her death before, what might he do if he knew Draco's heart?

He tried to put these thoughts out of his mind whenever he and Ginny were together, but one Saturday when they had the whole afternoon together, these thoughts couldn't be ignored.

It was April and Ginny wished that the next time they would have a room with an enchanted ceiling so they could see the clouds stroll through the blue skies or the stars above them hang in the inky night.

She looked at him. Draco had his eyes closed and was playing with her hair. She didn't want to ruin the moment, but screwed up her courage before it could leave her.

"Draco?"

"Mmm."

"I need to talk to you about something," she said. Her voice was tense.

Draco looked at her through heavily lidded eyes as if he was coming out of sleep. "Yes?"

"There's been a lot of talk about the war." Ginny shifted nervously against his side. She sat up so she could look him squarely in the eye.

Draco could tell that there was something on her mind. He loved Ginny for many reasons, one of which was that she could not easily hide her feelings. She didn't have a duplicitous bone in her body. Being with someone who did not live life with a poker face was refreshing for him. It was a relief that he didn't have to second-guess everything she said or did.

"I know."

"Well, I know this may be a tender subject, but there is a lot of talk about the Death Eaters." Ginny could see his face tense immediately. The muscle along his jaw flexed and his eyes went hard. He wasn't looking at her and she could feel his body go cold. "If you don't want to talk about it, I understand."

"No, it's okay. As a matter of fact, I wish there was someone I could talk to about this." He still couldn't look at her.

Ginny went on, "Well, there have been a lot of attacks lately. Roxanne's father is in St. Mungo's right now from a curse they haven't identified yet. There's talk of cancelling the rest of the Hogsmeade visits for the year."

Draco nodded his head. He let Ginny continue hoping that she would bring up the subject that he would face someday.

"I know your father is a Death Eater. And there is a lot of talk that there are a lot of seventh year Slytherins who might become Death Eaters after they graduate. I know I shouldn't pry and we haven't known each other for very long. But I have to know.

"I feel like I'm getting very close to you. I've never told you, but I consider you my best friend." Ginny felt vulnerable for going out on a limb and telling him this.

Draco's features softened and looked her in the eyes. "You're my best friend, too. You're my only friend." He held her hand and gave it gentle squeeze.

Ginny smiled and wanted to ask him why he thought that she was her only friend. She decided to table that for a future discussion. She wanted to get to the question at hand.

"What I'm trying to say...or rather ask is...Oh, gods, Draco." Her voice was full of anguish. He didn't interrupt, he couldn't say it himself. "Are you going to become one, too? I don't know if I could let myself fall in love with a Death Eater."

He couldn't answer, as he didn't know himself. He felt that if he had a choice he would know what to say. Instead of answering her question, he brought up another one from what she said.

"Are you falling in love with me?"

His eyes looked so tender, Ginny thought she would cry. She didn't want to love someone who might attack everyone in her family, Harry or Hermione, but she couldn't deny the feelings she had for him. She didn't know if she could choose if it came down to Draco loving her or family. Her heart was in conflict.

Draco's heart was as well. Should he risk death by the hands of his father or leave Ginny forever and live a life of dark misery. Death or wishing for death. He knew that if he did refuse his father, he would kill him...painfully. Lucius had no room in his heart for anyone, because he did not posses one.

Ginny finally replied, "What is love? What does being in love mean? How do you know?"

Draco remembered a recent conversation that he'd had with Professor Mead along these lines. He went to her after class and talked with her wondering if he knew what love meant. Professor Mead told him that if he cared for Ginny more than himself, that if he was willing to put her ahead of himself without hesitation for anything, then yes he was in love.

He took her face into his hands. He'd been wanting to tell her. He finally had the courage to risk the future of his soul. "Love is when nothing else matters in this world as much as the person you love. It's when you care more for that person than yourself. I know, because I love you."

Ginny's eyes brimmed with tears. Before Draco knew it, she had flung her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Before she pulled away, she brought her mouth close to his ear and whispered, "I love you, too."

Draco fell back on the bed. He was in a quandary now. She loved him too, and that changed everything. He wanted to let Ginny know how happy he was, but all the conflict and voices in his head clouded his happiness.

"I don't want to become a Death Eater. But I don't know if I have a choice. I mean, my father is the Dark Lord's right hand man. He's been grooming me to join him by his side all my life, all this crap about destiny with a capital D. This last summer my father has made me sit and pay attention when his 'friends' come over and talk about dark business.

"I know too much. He would kill me without hesitation. Besides, if I somehow managed to not be killed, it's not like I'd have anywhere to go. I'd have no money, no prospects, no one would want me. I know everyone thinks of me as the next to join the ranks of the Death Eaters. Who would want to trust me with anything? No one would hire me for anything, no one would want me." He face was emotionless as he spoke.

"I want you." Ginny's face was serious.

He smiled up at her and then kissed her hand as if to say he was sorry. "Besides, who could I turn to, besides you, for help. You're not exactly powerful enough to deal with a fully fledged wizard, much less one of my father's calibre."

Ginny looked away quickly. She wanted to tell Draco about her encounter with his father and the other Death Eaters in the Ministry of Magic last year, but was under strict orders by the Order to never mention it unless they were in one of the Order's safe houses.

Looking back at him she said, "You could always go to Dumbledore."

He snorted in disbelief. "Yeah, like Dumbledore would ever trust me."

"He would," she said hotly.

"Why should he. I'm a Slytherin, a Malfoy and son of a Death Eater." He frowned, disgusted with himself.

"Because I trust you, because you love me, because you're not the hateful monster that others think you are. You are not your father, you may have the same last name, but not the same soul or mind. Dumbledore is a lot more understanding and wiser than you give him credit for. If you went to Dumbledore and asked for his help he would give it. He would not ask for anything in return." She put her hand to his cheek and slowly stroked it. "Trust me, please. If or when it comes to that time, go to Dumbledore, he can help you." She paused then finished by saying, "Maybe the war will be over before it comes to that."

Draco lay there looking at the ceiling. He knew that it would be at least another year until he would have to face that hurdle. His father told him that once he graduated Hogwarts he would be brought to the Dark Lord for the initiation. Hopefully the war would be over and it wouldn't be Voldemort who won.

Ginny lay back down beside him and they held each other in silence.

~_~_~_~_~_~

At the end of her class with Professor Mead, Ginny asked if she could speak to her with during lunch.

When Ginny arrived, Draco was still there. He had stayed after class to speak with her, too. She closed the door to the classroom and walked towards the desk.

"Miss Weasley, thank you for coming. Mr. Malfoy and I were just talking. If you prefer, Mr. Malfoy and I could speak at another time so we can talk in private."

Ginny looked at Draco and smiled. "No, maybe it's best that he stay since this concerns him too." He shot her a look of mild surprise.

Professor Mead went over and patted her hand. "How can I help you, dear?"

Ginny was reluctant to bring this up in front of Draco, but since he had told her that Professor Mead had been a confidante for him as well and that he asked her many questions about love and other things, she continued.

"It's just that, Draco and I, we haven't yet...I was wondering, I..." Ginny tried suppressing a blush.

"You haven't had intercourse yet and you were wondering about contraception," Professor Mead summarised, finishing Ginny's thoughts.

Draco and Ginny had never heard that term. It just wasn't something brought up in wizarding society, even during the usual birds and bees talk that most teenagers got.

"Birth control...pregnancy prevention," she continued. "I am so very glad that you came to me. Most girls I've met who have come to me about this have thought about it too late. I do have something that may help."

She strode over to her bookcase and pulled out a book called "Native American Indian Potions". As she walked back to the desk, she was looking for a page.

"Ah, here it is. There are two potions I recommend. One for you and one for Mr. Malfoy. It is best that you both take responsibility for birth control as neither are 100% effective, but if you both take preventative measures, you should be all right.

"Mr. Malfoy, do you have access to someplace private where you might be able to brew these up? They are both very easy to make."

"Yes, I have a spare cauldron in my room."

She walked towards another bookcase on the other side of the room and pressed a panel that hid a secret compartment. "Good. Now the only two ingredients on this list you cannot readily get are black cohosh and powdered buffalo horn. Black cohosh is a root with emmenagogue properties that is found in North America." She then pulled two small bags out of the compartment and closed it.

"Here, if you follow the instructions, you should have enough potion to last a year. Remember, use only two drops to a glass of water and water only. And drink it all," she emphasized the last part.

Draco was amazed at Professor Mead's ability to be very clinical with such delicate matters.

He placed the bags into a pocket of his cloak. They were about to say their thanks and exit when Professor Mead spoke first.

"There is something else I would like to add." Ginny and Draco froze. Mead's tone told them it was about something much more serious. "If you two are ready to take the next step and have intercourse, I must tell you something."

Ginny and Draco looked at each other and then at Professor Mead, worried. Mead looked them very seriously in the eyes. "Sex changes everything, especially a relationship. It takes people to a whole new level. Some people cannot handle the change and relationships can fall apart, but as long as there is love, respect and a deep friendship between you two, it will be a welcome change. Remember that you should be friends first, then lovers. Too many people forget about the friendship part of the equation when it comes to romance and love.

"It is a trap I have fallen into before. If you two really do love each other and there is a sincere friendship, then you are ready." Professor Mead took each of their hands and placed them together.

Draco and Ginny smiled at each other, then turned to Professor Mead. They both said their thanks and were about to coordinate leaving the room separately so they wouldn't be seen together when Professor Mead added one more thing.

"Oh, just a tip. I recommend you make the potion on page 108, as lubricant can definitely reduce the instance of pain or unpleasant friction. Good day to you both."

Ginny blushed to her ears and Draco loved the look on her. He knew that before the end of the school year, she would no longer have her maiden blush, so he made a point of remembering it well.

~_~_~_~_~_~

A few days later, Draco was sitting at the Slytherin table enjoying his Friday breakfast of kippers and eggs and thinking about their planned Sunday afternoon. They were going to meet right after lunch. If everything went as well as he hoped, they wouldn't be coming down for dinner.

He could see Ginny talking animatedly to her fellow Gryffindors. Harry, Ron and Hermione were laughing at what seemed to be a very funny story. She was smiling and he forced himself not to stare. He made a point to remind himself to have her tell him about whatever the source of their amusement was.

Owl post came and a large eagle owl swooped in and delivered a letter to Draco. He turned the letter over and saw the handwriting on the envelope. It was from his father.

He wondered if his father was going to instruct him to request a visit to Hogsmeade and make another withdrawal from Grigotts, as they had a small branch in the village. His father hadn't asked him of such a request since school started.

Opening the letter, he began to read it. As his face turned white, his mouth fell open. He quickly stood up and dashed for the door, leaving the Great Hall in great haste.

Everyone around the Great Hall saw him leave as he knocked over a few chairs and a fellow Slytherin as he ran.

Ron turned back to Ginny. "What's up his arse? They finally catch his father? Too bad the Dementors aren't in a snuggly mood with Azkaban residents anymore."

Harry started laughing and neither of them noticed that Hermione and Ginny weren't.

The two girls looked at each other then decided they should talk about this at a later time in private. Ron urged his sister to finish the story, but her heart wasn't in it. She finished it anyway.

Professor Mead's eyes were wide and she turned to Professor Snape. He had never seen fright in her eyes until now.

"Severus, it's come much, much too early. I did not think this would happen so soon. You must speak with him now," she insisted urgently.

Professor Snape stood and bowed to Professor Mead and Professor Dumbledore as he excused himself from the table. He left the Great Hall, his robes billowing behind him.

~_~_~_~_~_~

Draco made it back to his private bathroom just in time. When Snape entered the common room, he noticed Draco had left his door open. From within the quarters, he could hear Draco heaving.

Professor Snape knocked on his door and peered around the corner. "Mr. Malfoy, are you all right?"

From the direction of the bathroom, he could hear Draco still retching. Professor Snape knew that Draco did not want to be seen in such a state of physical distress so he remained at the door.

After a few minutes, he knocked on the door again. He heard the young man stir and the sound of running water. Draco then emerged from the bathroom, his complexion was a dingy grey and his hair was mussed. He eventually sat down on his bed.

"It's alright, Professor, I just ate something that didn't agree with me."

Professor Snape eyed him, surveying every nuance of him. "There has never been a case of food poisoning in the history of Hogwarts, I can assure you." Draco wanted to be alone, but saw that Snape wasn't going to leave that easily. Professor Snape continued, "I saw that you received an owl this morning. I hope it is not bad news."

Draco shot Snape a look then dropped his head. He began running his fingers through his hair in desperation.

Snape figured that this was the best time. "If there is anything you wish to talk to me about, anything at all, please know that it will be held in the greatest confidence."

There were only two people who he wanted to talk with if at all, Ginny and Professor Mead. Thinking that Professor Mead wouldn't understand the situation, he crossed her off his very short list. He wanted to talk to Ginny badly, but he couldn't face her with the news he had just read. Since he knew Professor Snape was a Death Eater, too, he figured he was better than no one at all.

Taking a deep breath, he expected a fury to be unleashed upon him once he got his question out. "Why did you become a Death Eater, Professor?"

Professor Snape closed the door and brought a chair close to the bed. "Why do you ask?" His voice was cool and even.

The only thing Draco wanted was an answer, not an inquisition. Draco was starting to become angry.

"My father has informed me that this summer he will take me to the Dark Lord and I will partake in the initiation." Draco's eyes darted to Professor Snape's arm then to his own. "So, why did you?"

After a long silence Snape said, "Revenge."

Revenge was a word Draco was sick of. The Dark Lord's and his father's revenge against Dumbledore, his revenge against Ginny, he wanted to remove that word from the world.

Before he could ask more questions, Snape continued. "I was a lonely boy here at school and there were some boys in my class that made my life a living hell. When I graduated, I joined the Dark Lord in hopes of destroying them and the pain they caused me. Even though the two that caused me the most torment are gone now, the pain has remained."

Draco hated Harry and Ron, but he certainly wouldn't become a Death Eater just to get even with them. He was no longer lonely either.

"What if you knew Professor Mead then? Would you have still become one?"

"Professor Mead and I were different people when we were younger. But perhaps if she was in my life like she is now, then yes, I might have chosen differently. However, she was not and I cannot change the past."

Draco could feel a great weight pressing on his chest. "What if you didn't have a choice?" he choked out.

"We always have a choice, Mr. Malfoy. It is a matter of whether one is willing to live with the consequences that is the real question."

Nodding his head, he rose and stood by his wardrobe. "Thank you, Professor."

Professor Snape stood up; when he reached the door he stopped and spun on his heel. "Would you like me to inform your professors that you are unable to attend class today and will be spending the rest of your day recuperating?"

"Please do."

And with that, Snape left Draco alone in his room with his thoughts and the letter from his father that lay on the floor. He reached into his wardrobe and opened his secret compartment. Inside was the valentine that Ginny had given him, the tattered ribbon, the dried crown of daisies she once put on his head, the book of potions that Professor Mead loaned to him and three four-inch tall vials, one blue, one pink and one clear.

Pulling the valentine out of the hidden spot, he read what she signed. When he put his valentine back, he walked over to the letter and picked it up. He sat in the chair in front of the fire and reread the letter, the wave of nausea returning, but since his stomach was empty he just sat there. Numbness crept through him.

He spoke to the empty room, having to talk to get the thoughts out. "Can I trust Dumbledore? Is she right, will he understand? Maybe if I don't follow through, maybe if I ran away, I wouldn't have to become a grovelling servant to that thing, then I wouldn't have to marry Pansy either."

Lucius' letter to his son contained more information than his notice of this summer's initiation and his recommendations to prepare his mind. It also informed him of the engagement party that his mother was planning for July that year. And after he graduated Hogwarts next year, Draco was to marry Pansy Parkinson in July 1998.

Draco was considering death as an attractive alternative, but then thought of the hurt Ginny would bear from his death and decided he would live for her. He still wasn't sure if he had the strength, the courage, and the conviction to deny his father. He could very well end up having to become a Death Eater and take Pansy for his wife.

~_~_~_~_~_~

Ginny didn't see Draco at lunch or in the corridors between classes. When dinnertime came, she hoped to see him there. His usual seat was empty, a space between Crabbe and Goyle.

Professor Snape had the house elves send meals to Draco's room. The meals were removed untouched. He didn't notice the elves in his room removing lunch and replacing it with dinner. Finally around midnight, Draco got undressed and climbed into bed. Perhaps if he dreamed, he could temporarily forget about his expected fate. He poured thirty drops of sleeping potion into a glass of water and choked down the bitter solution.

Sunday morning, Draco finally emerged from his room and ate breakfast in the Great Hall. He couldn't look at Ginny, he knew he'd have to tell her today.

Ginny watched him and noticed that he didn't look her way. She knew instinctually that it must have something to do with the letter he had received on Friday. There might be a chance Draco would not make their eleven o'clock rendezvous.

When Ginny arrived, she looked for the ribbon tied on the tapestry and found none. Draco was already there. The room was bare except for a few torches, a fireplace and two wingback chairs facing each other in front of the fire. She knew this did not look good.

Walking in, she found Draco was already sitting in one chair, his head in his hands. When she shut the door he looked up at her. He looked like he was in shock.

Running over to him, she knelt in front of him and tried to put her arms around him. He stopped her and urged her to take a seat. She would need to after what he was going to tell her.

Pansy came out from a niche behind an ugly dragon-shaped vase that stood across from the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy and ran to the Owlery.