Harry Potter and the Death of Mary Sue

Harry was walking through the corridor on a rainy Tuesday. He was alone, because Ron and Hermione were off snogging somewhere. They seemed to be doing this a lot lately. Though, Harry couldn't blame Ron since Hermione had "developed" quite a lot during the summer. Strangely, there was no one about. Things seemed only slightly weird.

"Hmm," Harry thought to himself. "This seems eerie. I'm alone and lonely. I bet something incredibly scary is about to happen.'

Just then he bumped into someone: a girl with long blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. "O, hello," she said sweetly.

Harry had never seen this basically perfect seeming person before. "Who are you?" he asked with suspicion.

"O me? I'm sure you've heard or read of me!" she said with a girlish giggle.

"I have?"

"Of course! I'm Mary Sue!" She twirled a blonde curl around her finger.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed. He turned to run away, but she grabbed him by his arm.

"Don't you want to stay and fall in love with me? Don't you want me to be the one thing that will help you defeat the Dark Lord?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry repeated. Fear seized him, and he peed a little.

"Look into my eyes," Mary Sue said poetically. Harry shut his eyes tight, but something, something not of J. K. Rowling, made him open them. He looked at her, and her pupils became a swirl of black and white, hypnotizing him.

"You will love me," she said.

"I will love you," Harry replied.

"We will be together for all fic time," she declared, her eyes spinning faster.

"We will be together for all fic time," Harry repeated. Why was he saying this? If this was an Unforgivable Curse maybe he had a chance, but this was just awful plot development!

"You will defend me always, forsaking all others, and forsaking any sign of a good story line."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry bellowed. He smacked Mary Sue across her too-beautiful face.

"What?" she said. "This isn't supposed to happen! I'm supposed to get everything!" Her ridiculously good-looking features faltered for a second.

"Not in this fic, baby," Harry said, pulling his wand out. "Aquamarinous!" he yelled. Water covered all of Mary Sue. Steam began to rise from her. She shrieked and called out to him.

"I'm melting! I'm melting!" she screamed. A few seconds later all that remained of Mary Sue was a pile of smelly, bad ideas. Harry gathered them up and threw them out the window.

He turned to the reader, "PLEASE! NO MORE CHEEZY MARY SUE!"

And with that he continued walking the halls. His step more confident now that Mary Sue was nothing but a pile resembling dog crap outside. Yes, just a pile of nothing. That seemed fair. Maybe if he was lucky, Draco would step in it outside and make today perfect.

He smiled, the image of snogging Ginny entering his mind. Ah, he loved Hogwarts. (A/N: I am a total H/G shipper. Had to put this in.)