Harry Potter, Broadway Style! Rent

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Act One, Scene One

(Hogwarts, during Harry's 3^rd year. Students are filing into the Great Hall for the Opening Feast.)

Professors (singing to "Seasons of Love"):

Yet another year of 600 students

Look, I do believe that 600 kiddies are here

God, why's it always been 600 students?

Welcome to Hogwarts! It's a new year.

A Spinnet, a Pritchard

A Witby, Clearwater too.

A Bulstrode, a Midgen

An Abbott, a Wood.

A-nother year of 600 students

Wait to be Sorted, as all students should.

It's Gryffindor ...

It's Slytherin ...

It's Hufflepuff ...

It's Ravenclaw ...

It's another year of 600 students

God, I hate teaching - why am I here?

(Dumbledore arrives at the head table)

Dumbledore: So ...

McGonagall: You missed it, Albus. We already sang.

Dumbledore: Dang. Reprise?

McGonagall: No.

(The students take their seats)

Oliver: Mind if I sit here?

Percy: Oh. Er. I don't know...

Oliver: Perce, she's got to know sometime.

Percy: Well, that's the thing -

Oliver: What?

Percy: I kind of like you both.

Oliver: Oh. That complicates things, doesn't it?

Percy: Yeah. Maybe I can just trade you back and forth for a bit? Kind of like a time share sort of arrangement.

Oliver: She gets you mornings, I get you afternoons? Well ... I don't know ...

(Meanwhile, back at the Head Table...)

Sprout: Minerva, have you seen the new DADA professor?

McGonagall: Yes, his name is Remus Lupin. He was a student with James Potter and Sirius Black. Best friends with them, to tell the truth. It's a bit suspicious him teaching here this year, as Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban and to the best of our knowledge is trying to kill Harry Potter, but for some reason Albus trusts him implicitly.

Sprout: He's awfully cute.

McGonagall: If you like them with fleas, yes.

Dumbledore: Students, welcome to Hogwarts. May I remind you all that this is a wonderful place to live, learn, and, should any of you desire, sing. You'll find that we here all appreciate a good song or two, so feel free when walking down the hallways or in the middle of class, should you feel the irrepressible urge to break into musical splendour, go ahead and let your lovely voice shine! Just make sure I'm around to hear it. Thank you.

(The students leave the hall, followed by all the teachers but two. The two stand very very very very very very very very close to each other. It's a bit spooky.)

Lupin: Professor Sprout, a word?

Sprout: Yes, Professor?

Lupin: I'm told that you run the greenhouses here. I don't suppose you could supply me with Mandrakes next month?

Sprout: Of course, Professor.

(Sprout exits, with Lupin following)

Scene Two

(Gryffindor Common Room. Fred and George are alone)

Fred: So if we ...

George: Yes ... yes, I see ..

Fred: And then we ...

George: Of course! I agree.

(Penelope crawls in through the door. Fred and George glare at her.)

Fred: Don't you have your own common room?

Penelope: I'm here to meet Percy.

George: I thought he liked Oliver this week.

Penelope: No, we're trading every morning and afternoon.

Fred: Ah. Well then.

(He and George get up and leave. Penelope sits on one of the fluffy couches, tapping her foot. Oliver enters)

Oliver: Oh. You.

Penelope: What are you doing here?

Oliver: Well, it is my common room ...

Penelope: It's morning, and it's my time with Percy, thank you!

Oliver: Oh yeah? I don't see him around anywhere.

Penelope: He's ... studying!

Oliver: Ah.

Penelope (singing to "Tango: Maureen"):

This is nuts.

Oliver:

It's nuts.

Penelope:

Really nuts.

Oliver:

Holy nuts.

Penelope:

He's in there working on some report

I've been waiting right here

For what seems like a year

And I have to wait while with his consort.

Oliver:

It's sad but it's true

He loves me and you

I've got wit, you're the bit

He does need.

Penelope:

Why are you here?

Oliver:

'Cause let's face it - he's queer!

And we're dancing the Tango Percy.

The Tango Percy

He keeps changing the way that he swings

Study with Penelope

Penelope:

More than study!

Oliver:

Then a candlelight dinner with me!

Penelope:

Ugh!

Oliver:

You think he's the one

He's dreaming of - Hon,

Neither of us are getting his ring

He can't show either of us mercy

Not Tango Percy.

Penelope: I don't understand why I have to share him with you anyway. Why are you so okay with this?

Oliver: Who said I was?

Penelope: You mean ... you're not?

Oliver: Heck no.

Penelope: What the hell? Let's just put it to an ultimatum - he's got to pick one or the other of us.

Oliver: Okay.

(Percy enters)

Percy: Oliver ... Penelope!

Penelope: Percy, we've had it. You can't share us anymore.

Oliver: Yeah. You have to pick one or the other of us.

Percy: Uh - but I love you both.

Penelope: Sorry, Perce. But no kisses until you figure out who you want!

(Penelope and Oliver leave the room, sashaying as they go)

Percy: Well, that blows.

Scene Three

(The greenhouses. Fred & George continue to work on their parchment.)

George: But what about ...

Fred: No, see, we take care of that with this...

George: Oh, right. But here ...

Fred: Well, that's a problem, yes.

(Remus Lupin enters)

Lupin: Have you boys seen Professor Sprout anywhere?

George: Why would she be here?

Lupin: Well ... these are the greenhouses ... and she does teach Herbology ...

Fred: Oh, fine, if you have to be technical about it.

(The twins get up and leave. Sprout appears from the back of the greenhouse.)

Lupin: Professor, I've been looking for you.

Sprout: H-h-have you?

Lupin: Yes ... I've been meaning to ask you a question?

Sprout: I ... of course ... Remus!

(She begins to fan herself)

Lupin: Yes ... Professor ... Tell me ... are your Mandrakes ready for me?

Sprout: (shouting) Yes, oh yes!

(Very long pause)

Sprout: Er. That's not quite what you meant, is it?

Lupin: Not exactly, no.

Sprout: I'll just ... go over here now.

Lupin: Wait ... Professor ... are you saying what I think you're saying?

Sprout: Oh, Remus!

Lupin: Wait ... Sprout ... there's something you don't quite know about me...

Lupin (singing to "I Should Tell You"):

I should tell you I've a secret

If you knew it, you'd run screaming

Sprout:

Don't tell me then, you can keep it

To yourself, it has no meaning.

Just don't tell me.

Lupin:

I should tell you.

Sprout:

Please don't tell me.

Lupin:

I should tell you.

I should tell I can't touch silver

Full moons make my hair grow

Ev'ry month I am a monster

Werewolves are quite real you know.

So I've told you.

Sprout:

So you've told me.

Lupin:

So I've told you.

Sprout:

So you've told me.

Lupin:

I can tell this is the ending

Of whatever romance had a chance

From the look that you are sending

You don't want into my pants.

I'll just go now

Sprout:

Please don't go now.

Lupin:

I'll just go now.

Sprout:

Please don't...

(He leaves)

Sprout: Oh, bother. Why are all the cute ones gay, taken, or werewolves?

Act Two, Scene One

(Hallway at Hogwarts. Groups of students walk together.)

Students (singing to "La Vie Boheme"):

To handcrafted wands made in Diagon Alley

To dragons, to Draco, to unicorns with fleas.

To forests, to giants, to magic lakes and squids

To cauldrons, to potions, to hairy arachnids.

(Dumbledore appears)

Dumbledore: Good morning! Did I hear singing?

Students: Er, no.

Dumbledore: Ah. Well. Maybe tomorrow.

Students: Probably not.

(Percy enters, looking fairly forlorn)

Dumbledore: Mr Weasley! You look delightfully glum today. Don't suppose that's going to inspire you into some lost love dirge or some such thing?

Percy: No, sir. I don't think I could manage it today.

Dumbledore: Not even a musical treatise on the thickness of cauldron bottoms?

Percy: Afraid not, sir. My girlfriend has left me.

Dumbledore: Ah.

Percy: My boyfriend, too.

Dumbledore: That is a bother, indeed.

Percy: Yeah. They didn't much approve of me double-timing them.

Dumbledore: They seldom do, you know.

Percy: So I'm not much in the mood to sing today. But I think there was a Ravenclaw in the library who found a book she wanted - maybe she'll want to sing for you.

Dumbledore: Such a good boy you are, Mr Weasley!

(Dumbledore goes to the library. Percy sighs heavily)

Percy: Oh ... woe is me ...

(Oliver and Penelope enter. Their arms are around each other.)

Oliver: Why ... Pen! Look! It's Percy!

Penelope: Oh, Ol, he looks awful sad.

Oliver: Doesn't he.

Penelope: Shouldn't we cheer him up?

Oliver: Mmmm ... nah!

(Oliver and Penelope leave again. Percy wails in defeat, as Remus Lupin enters the hall)

Lupin: Er ... Mr Weasley?

Percy: Oh. Professor. Do me a favour, won't you?

Lupin: Er ... Well ...

Percy: Kill me, life ain't worth living. The two people I love most in the world have decided to abandon me.

Lupin: Love is overrated anyway.

Percy: How can you say that? You've just never had anyone love you before.

Lupin: That's the problem. I've got someone who claims to love me - but I've got a small disability I don't think they'd appreciate.

Percy: The lycanthropy, you mean?

Lupin: How'd you know about that?

Percy: I'm Percy Weasley, I know everything.

Lupin: I'm not exactly sure how ...

Percy (singing to "Take Me or Leave Me"):

Love's the greatest thing

You can ever find

It makes your heart sing

It comforts your mind

I'll love anyone I can

Whether it's woman or man

Who cares

As long as I'm not drunk!

So don't pout

Just 'cause it's Sprout

She's more loyal than you thunk!

She'll scratch you behind the ear

She'll check you for lice

And if you truly cared

You'd go back and be nice.

She says she loves you

You should give her a chance

Love makes the skies blue

Love puts you in a trance.

Why would you give that up?

Just 'cause you're furry once a month

Lupin

You are really off track.

So puh-leaze

Get down on your knees

Beg her to take you back.

She'll scratch you behind the ear

She'll check you for lice

And if you truly cared

You'd go back and be nice.

Lupin: You're right, you're right. Gotta go - bye!

(Lupin exits)

Percy: Fat lot of help you were!

Scene Two

(Hogwarts Library)

Fred: So, we see that by ...

George: Oh, I've got it now! That makes loads of sense.

Fred: Do you agree?

George: Indubitably.

(They shake hands. Dumbledore enters.)

Dumbledore: Hullo, boys!

Fred: Gah! Can't a guy get some peace anywhere?

George: Fred, we're done planning.

Fred: Oh, right. Hi, Headmaster. Can we help you?

Dumbledore: Well ... you could sing.

Fred: Oh no. Not in the library. We'll get detention.

George: And we've got detentions until the millennium.

Fred: Assuming that we're going by the Lexicon calendar and that this is 1993, of course.

George: Which means we've got seven years of detention.

Fred: Assuming we're going by the general definition of the millennium being the year 2000.

George: And not 2001, as that's when the new century really begins.

Dumbledore: Right. How about I cancel all your detentions if you sing me a song?

Fred & George: You're on!

Dumbledore: Excellent.

Fred & George (singing to "Santa Fe"):

Let's open up a magic store in gay Paree

With fancy girls and loud bells on the door

With tricks and jokes and noisy blasts you'll see

Our sales and hopes and prospects'll surely soar.

Fred:

You're a genius, this is grand

We'll have all Paris in our hands

They'll be begging us for magic tricks all day.

George:

You'll sell our funny wares

I'll check out girls' derrieres

And we'll have no trouble getting a good lay.

Fred & George:

Let's open up a magic store in gay Paree

That's truly the city that's meant for us.

Just one problem - hope Paris ain't gay 'cause we

Are straight and intend to stay that way, no fuss.

Dumbledore: That's wonderful, boys, thank you!

Fred: Now, about those detentions?

Dumbledore: What detentions?

George: Headmaster, lovely doing business with you. Have a Canary Cream.

Scene Three

(The Greenhouses. Sprout is re-potting something green and scaly as Lupin enters.)

Lupin: Professor?

Sprout: Oh! Remus ... I ... didn't expect you to come back.

Lupin: I needed some space to think. But I've decided ... that ... well ...

(He sits next to her.)

Sprout (singing to "I'll Cover You"):

In my greenhouse

I sit and I garden

I need no more

Than this in my life.

Simple pleasures, treasures to me.

Lupin:

I'll sit with you

Pour on the topsoil

Water the pansies

And be with you

Treasures a-plenty when you are with me

It's kinda nifty being with you.

Lupin & Sprout:

Who cares what will happen

To the world not contained here

You're all I need to gladden

And drive away the tears

My dear - sit with me.

Lupin:

You'll be my pot and I'll be your soil.

Sprout:

No, you'll be my stem and I'll be your petals.

Lupin & Sprout:

So we'll sit here and garden

And rest with each other

So we'll sit here and garden

And rest with each other

So we'll sit here and garden

And rest with each other

Treasures to me...

Scene Four

(Gryffindor Common Room. Percy sits on a couch, with empty Ben and Jerry's pints of Chunky Monkey ice cream all around him.)

Percy: Woe is me. I shall have to drown my sorrows in very expensive and yummy Vermont ice cream that is free of Bovine Growth Hormone and donates money to good causes. Sniff.

(Oliver and Penelope enter)

Oliver: Percy? What are you doing?

Percy: Drowning my sorrows. Go away.

Penelope: Percy, it's not going to help you if you keep eating Chunky Monkey ice cream.

Percy: Fine then. Hand me the Cherry Garcia.

Oliver: Perce, we're only trying to help.

Percy (singing to "What You Own", which is also known as "Living in America"):

Don't look back now

You've left my life.

Broken my heart

Left my mind in strife

You've got your hearts

Well and intact

Go away

Oliver:

Just one of his acts...

Percy:

I'm lonely here in Gryffindor

With my lovers ganging up on me

I'm lonely here in Gryffindor

I'll just sit here and bemoan

And when you're lonely and in Gryffindor

With no friends to keep you on your feet

I'm all alone.

Penelope:

You strung us along like toys

Oliver:

You sent our heads in a whirl

Penelope:

One day you liked boys

Oliver:

The next day you liked girls.

Penelope:

You kissed and tried swinging sideways

You nearly drove us insane.

Oliver:

But we have learned

We like the game.

Percy, Penelope & Oliver:

So we're all here in Gryffindor

What was one is now a three

We're all here in Gryffindor

No need to keep our hearts on loan

'Cause when we're all here in Gryffindor

And it's you and you and then it's me -

We're not alone!

We're not alone!

(And thankfully ... the curtain falls.)