Harry Potter, Broadway Style! Oklahoma!

Oklahoma!

Act One, Scene One

(Surrey, sometime after Harry's seventh year when he's finally defeated Voldemort and JKR's books are finished. Wizards celebrate in the background, while Lucius Malfoy stands center stage in the spotlight)

Lucius (singing to "Pore Jud"):

Pore Tom is daid

Lord Voldy-mort is daid

Harry smote him good and we are free

There's nothing of him left

'Cept the wand that Peter kept

And he was to have given that to me.

Our leader's dead

Our world's turned upon its head

None of us can quite believe he's gone

Death Eaters run amok

I think Avery stole a truck

And tried to drive it into Loch Loman.

Poor Tom ... poor Tom.

(Someone runs up behind Lucius and steals the pimp cane, and then runs off again. Lucius sighs heavily.)

Lucius: That was my favorite cane, too.

(Petunia Dursley enters, looking very cross)

Petunia: Scat! All of you, scat! You're trampling my lawn!

Lucius: Pardon me, madam. I would never want to destroy your garden.

Petunia: All these horrible ... wizards! I thought when Harry finally left that blasted school and came of age we'd be done with him!

Lucius: Nope, sorry. Privet Drive is going to turn into a shrine to Harry Potter. Tours every Monday through Friday on the hour, and on Saturday by appointment.

Petunia: How much are they charging?

Lucius: Five quid, I think. You get twenty percent of the profits.

Petunia: Well then!

Scene Two

(Hogwarts. Fawkes sits in Dumbledore's office, sighing)

Fawkes: Caw, caw.

(Which translates to: Merlin, I'm bored. I haven't had any fun since Tom Riddle was killed by Harry Potter way back in the Chamber of Secrets. I need some excitement in my life.)

(Hedwig flies into the room, with a letter tied to her leg)

Hedwig: Hoot?

(Which translates to: Have you seen Dumbledore anywhere? I have a very important message for him from Petunia Dursley, who is accepting wizard tourists in her home and wants advice on spells that will keep her floors clean so she can spend more time taking tickets and less time keeping the house spotless.)

Fawkes: Caw. Caw caw caw caw caw, caw caaaaaw caw cawwwwwwwaw.

(Which translates to: Listen, can't you see that I'm busy? I'm sitting here moping about how my life used to be more interesting. I don't know where my master is and I don't particularly care.)

Hedwig: Hoot hoot hoot!

(Which translates to: Huh. I thought phoenixes were supposed to be very loyal to their masters.)

Fawkes: Caw.

(Which translates to: Loyalty is one thing. Day-planners with wings are another thing entirely.)

Hedwig: Hoot. Hoot hoot hoot?

(Which translates to: Well, that's just fine. Untie the letter and I'll get out of your hair. Or feathers. Or whatever.)

Fawkes: Caw! Caw caw caw?

(Which translates to: You idiot! Can't you see I don't have fingers to untie anything?)

Hedwig: Hoot hooooooooot hooooooooot hoooot!

(Which translates to: Well, escuuuuuuuuuuuse me for living!)

Hedwig (singing ...er, hooting to "Surrey with the Fringe on Top"):

Hoot hoot hoot hoot hoot hoo-hoo-hoot hoot

Hoot hoot ho-hoot hoot hoo-hoo-hoot hoot

Hoot hoot hoot ho-hoot hoo-hoo-hoot hoot

Hoot hoot hoot hoot hoot

(Which translates to:

You're a sorry excuse for a birdie

Not cheery, chirping, you're rather surly

You make me want to go hurly

Or at least get ripped.

I think you need a change of pace

Get out of here and find a new place

Can you even fly with some sort of grace?

Or have your wings been clipped?

You're so bored here, you need a change

You should go flying with me

I've got some places we can go

Have you ever been by the sea?)

Fawkes:

Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw-caw caw

Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw-caw caw

Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw-caw caw

Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw-caw caw

(Which translates to:

Well, aren't you a pesky white little thing?

If I had hands I'd your neck wring

Look! You've even made me sing

That's all I need!

Well fine - I'll follow you to the skies

Maybe see something new with tired eyes

Or drop some stuff on nicely dressed guys

Boy, that'd be sweet!)

(Fawkes and Hedwig fly off.)

Scene Three

(Opening Day of the Harry Potter Childhood Home and Museum. Petunia is collecting tickets.)

Petunia: All right, all right, don't shove, you'll all get in. For an extra fifty shillings you get to spend two minutes in Harry's cupboard, and for an extra pound, Harry's Uncle Vernon will shout in your face!

Flitwick: Oh, I can't wait ... I've always wanted to see Harry's home!

(Flitwick gets to the front of the line. He hands his ticket to Petunia ... and as their hands touch, everything stops. It's like they are the only two people in the world, and that every thing they have done before has only led them to this moment in time, when they at last realize - )

Petunia: Wow. You're really short.

Flitwick: You're really thin.

Petunia: You're annoying.

Flitwick: You're rude.

Petunia: Go away, little man, you don't deserve me.

Flitwick: Fine, didn't want you anyway.

(Flitwick turns to go, but looks back)

Flitwick: My - what a woman!

Petunia: Short ... but kind of cute ...

(Vernon enters, brushing bird droppings off his coat)

Vernon: Damn birds! I swear there was a white owl who aimed at me! Petunia, why are all these people in cloaks wandering about?

Petunia: There's a Renaissance Festival this week, dear.

Vernon: Oh, all right then. As long as they're not wizards.

(All the wizards hide their wands behind their backs. Vernon exits. Flitwick goes back to Petunia.)

Flitwick: That's your husband, that great big lug?

Petunia: Yes.

Flitwick: I'm better than him ten times over.

Petunia: I'm sure you think you are.

Flitwick: You really ought to dump him and run away with me.

Petunia: Oh, fat chance!

Flitwick (singing to "Oh What a Beautiful Morning"):

You're such a beautiful flower

You're the light that brightens my dreams

I know you put up a fierce front

You're not as harsh as you seem.

Petunia:

All the magic you've got won't convince me

That I'm better off loving you

You're still rather short and I don't like your sort

So just go on talking 'til your face is blue.

Flitwick:

Petunia you're my one true love

All I want is you by my side.

Petunia:

Just stop talking I'll never listen!

Flitwick:

Wait! Isn't short better than wide?

(Petunia dumps the box of ticket stubs over onto Flitwick's head and exits into the house. Flitwick sighs happily)

Flitwick: Ah! It is love!

(He turns to the wizard next to him - who happens to be Snape.)

Flitwick: She wants me.

Snape: In your dreams, little man!

Flitwick: We'll just see about that!

(He falls asleep where he stands.)

Scene Four

(That night, in the Dursley's bedroom)

Vernon: Petunia, have you seen my toothbrush?

Petunia: It's right next to the toothpaste dear.

Vernon: Right. Well, I'll be glad for this weekend when we won't have those cloaked weird people running around the house any longer. There've been a lot of weird birds too - a big red one that looked like a phoenix has been following me all day.

Petunia: Remember we've got the great big party to go to Saturday night.

Vernon: Drat. You're going with me, right?

Petunia: Yes, Vernon, of course I am.

Vernon: All right then.

(Vernon falls asleep and begins to snore. Very loudly.)

Petunia (singing to "Out of My Dreams"):

He's still sort of short

But Vernon's got warts

And smells of rice.

Can't believe I'm thinking

That a wizard would be nice!

I must need sleep

I'm in this too deep

For explanation

When the lights are out

And sleep is close at hand

Flitwick's the one who comes

Into my own Dreamland

(And we enter ... the Dream Ballet! Petunia goes skipping through the forest. Little squirrels and deer follow her down the lane. Flitwick appears and hands her flowers)

Dream Flitwick: For you, my dear!

Dream Petunia: Why thank you, Flitwick!

(They go skipping down the lane together. Suddenly, thunder shakes the stage. Big evil Dream Vernon appears)

Dream Vernon: No! Magic is bad! Boring is good! The square of the hypotenuse is twice the amount of the other sides put together!

(Dream Hedwig and Dream Fawkes swoop in, pick Vernon up with their talons, and carry him away. Dream Petunia and Dream Flitwick continue to skip into the sunset as Petunia wakes up.)

Vernon: Snore snore snore SNORK snore.

Petunia: Sigh.

Act Two, Scene One

(The Party. There's a big sign that says 'Congratulations Harry and Hope Your Spine Heals Real Soon')

McGonagall: Ah, everyone, come on in, come on in. So glad to see you. Welcome to the party. Thank you so much for coming!

(Lucius Malfoy enters with Peter Pettigrew behind him)

Lucius: I can't believe I'm attending this thing.

Peter: Keeping up appearances. No hard feelings and all that.

Lucius: Whatever. Go get me a drink, Peter.

Peter: Shirley Temple?

Lucius: Please.

(The Weasley Twins enter)

Fred: Got the vodka, George?

George: Lead me to the punch bowl, brother!

(Flitwick enters with Severus Snape)

Snape: Dammit. I've been in how many blasted parodies already? Do I really have to be in another one?

Flitwick: I promise, Severus, you don't have to sing in this one.

Snape: I better not.

(Petunia and Vernon enter)

Vernon: Petunia ... why is everyone wearing robes? Is this a pajama party?

Petunia: Er ... yes.

Vernon: Blast it, Petunia! I would have worn my feetie pajamas.

(Petunia and Vernon go to the refreshment table. Flitwick tugs on Snape's sleeve)

Flitwick: There she is! Isn't she beautiful?

Snape: Never though of you as an equestrian, Filius.

Flitwick: I have to go talk to her.

(Flitwick goes to Petunia)

Petunia: Oh, not you again.

Flitwick: I can't believe you came to the party with HIM.

Petunia: Well, I am sort of married to him.

Flitwick: I'm much better for you. There are times that short is an advantage.

Petunia: Watch it, buddy, this is a PG-rated parody.

(Lucius and Peter run into Petunia while carrying their Shirley Temples)

Lucius: Egad! A Muggle! Peter, kill it!

Flitwick: Hey! Muggles aren't all bad!

Lucius: Why do I feel a song coming on?

Flitwick (singing to "The Farmer and the Cowman"):

The Muggle and the Wizard should be friends

Yes, the Muggle and the Wizard should be friends

One man likes to raise a wand

The other runs until it's gone

But that's no reason why they can't be friends.

We should really try to like another

There isn't any reason not to share

England's big enough for everyone here

You just gotta try to keep outta their hair!

Arthur Weasley:

I'd like to say a word for the Muggles

They always try to make themselves better

They make all sorts of things to wash their dishes

Peter:

Maybe that's why they're always getting wetter.

Mr and Mrs Granger:

We'd like to say a word about the Wizards

They're not half as scary as some would think

You can have 'em in your house or car or garden

Mr Granger:

But just don't ask if they would like a drink.

Luicus: I resent that.

Flitwick: Especially as Vernon's drunk the entire bowl of punch over there.

Fred & George: Uh-oh.

Vernon (to McGonagall): Ooo, you're a pretty puss.

McGonagall: You have no idea.

Petunia: Vernon!

Vernon: Sorry, Petunia. I'm going to take this sweet young kitty with me. Find your own way home, sweetcheeks.

(Vernon tosses McGonagall over his shoulder and exits)

Flitwick: Well, Petunia ...

Petunia: I am SO not going home with you.

(Petunia leaves)

Snape: Well, Filius, I would say it's on to Plan B.

Flitwick: I don't have a Plan B.

Snape: Find one then. And it better not involve me singing.

Scene Two

(Privet Drive. Flitwick sits under Petunia's window, a guitar in his hand, yodeling. Petunia sticks her head out the window)

Flitwick: Good morning, my lovely sweet!

Petunia: Flitwick! It's three o'clock in the morning!

Flitwick: Time has no meaning if I cannot be with you! Has your husband come home?

Petunia: Er ... no.

Flitwick: Well then ... shall I serenade you with a song?

Petunia: Do I have a choice?

Flitwick: Not really.

Petunia: Get on with it, then.

Flitwick (singing - badly - to "All Er Nuthin'"):

Petunia I adore thee

You're the one who's meant for me

I need you here with me

For all eternity

If you think about it you'll agree

Marry me so soon dear

I'll take you out for some beer

No more will Vernon leer

They won't think that I am queer

Our children together we will rear ...

Petunia: Stop! Stop! I'll marry you if you only STOP SINGING.

Flitwick: Yippee!

Scene Three

(Hogwarts, several months later. Petunia and Flitwick sit next to each other and hold hands, all doe-eyed and lovey-dovey. Fawkes and Hedwig are curled up on the bird stand nearby.)

Dumbledore: Well, that's just lovely. Everything ended happily for everyone but me.

Snape: And Vernon.

Dumbledore: Oh, right. Pity about he and McGonagall.

Snape: I hear those sorts of things take a while to heal.

Dumbledore: He won't be leaving St Mungo's anytime soon, that's for certain.

Snape: Well, I suppose I got out of this one without having to sing. That's something at least.

Dumbledore: And I didn't get a single musical interlude.

Snape: That is the best part!

Petunia: Ah, Flitty, I'm so happy.

Flitwick: As am I, my little petal blossom.

Hedwig: Hoot hoot.

(Which translates to "I'm so happy.)

Fawkes: Caw caw.

(Which translates to "Me too.")

Snape: Well, I guess that's it.

Dumbledore: No, wait! Do you hear that, Severus?

(Severus listens for a moment, and goes pale. There is the distant sound of a musical interlude coming on.)

Snape: Oh, hell.

Flitwick (singing to "Oklahoma!"):

Oh, Petunia!

She's the one who's clearly meant for me

Even though I'm small

And she's quite tall

She sends my heart to ecstasy!

Oh, Petunia!

I'm so happy to be by your side

It's you I adore

And not Dumbledore

And you like short better than wide!

All:

She once made Harry's life pure hell

But since then, we all think she's swell

She does a mean clean

She'd the best we've seen - keen!

All we're saying

Flitwick:

You've got your own kind of magic

Petunia Dursley-Flitwick!

Petunia:

Oh, Filius

I was such a silly fool before

Magic ain't so bad

Now that I've had

You to charm me right out the door!

Oh, Filius

You've shown me the error of my ways

I don't really hate my sis

'Cause she had all this

Now that with you I get to share my days.

All:

He's such a short little man

But with a good wand in his hand

The feathers fly - high!

Up to the sky - why?

When you're saying Wingardium Leviosa!

Petunia:

Mr Flitwick, my man!

Dumbledore: Yay! I got my musical interlude, and I didn't even have to ask!

Snape: Oh, shut it.

All:

This is the end that we've craved

Now that the world Harry's saved

We can sing - YAY!

Is Dumbledore listn'ning? DAMN.

Maybe next time.

Snape:

Well, when's the curtain gonna fall?

All:

Thanks for reading; that's all!

(And thankfully ... the curtain falls.)