Harry Potter, Broadway Style! Man of La Mancha

Man of La Mancha

Act One, Scene One

(The Great Hall. Dumbledore stands at dinner to make an announcement. He is really disgruntled.)

Dumbledore: As you may not have noticed, I did not get my promised musical interlude in the last parody. As a punishment, I have decided that there are too many slash couplings occurring at Hogwarts in which one or more of the participants do not sing. Therefore, I am putting a ban on all homosexual attachments herewith.

Justin Finch-Fletchley: Oh shit.

Dumbledore: And a thousand points to whoever sings to me first.

(Crickets.)

Dumbledore: Oh, fine. None of you want me to be happy, is that it?

McGonagall: Rats! He figured us out!

Scene Two

(Slytherin Common Room, Hogwarts. Millicent Bulstrode and Malcolm Baddock are sitting on a couch.)

Millicent: Blaise Zabini is just the sweetest person in Hogwarts.

Malcolm: I know! I can't think of anyone in all of Hogwarts I'd rather spend time with.

Millicent: I wonder if he'd like me?

Malcolm: He who?

Millicent: Blaise Zabini, of course! Who do you think we're talking about.

Malcolm: Millie, dear - Blaise is a girl.

Millicent: No, he's a boy!

Malcolm: Millicent, I know boys, and I know girls. And trust me, Blaise is as girly as they go.

Millicent: You're being ridiculous! Blaise Zabini is a boy.

Malcolm: Well, here she comes now - let's ask and find out.

(Blaise Zabini enters)

Blaise: Aye me, what a day!

Millicent: Blaise! We have a question for you.

Malcolm: See, we both like you an awful lot ...

Millicent: But we're not sure which of us you like best.

Blaise: Well, I like both of you just fine.

Millicent: That's not what we mean. We mean like like.

Blaise: Oh! Wow, I'm honored!

Malcolm: That's the problem, though. There's been a stop put on all homosexual relationships. So we need to know if you're a boy or a girl, so we know which one of us you can date.

Millicent (singing to "I Like Him"):

I like you

I really like you

You're the one who I simply adore

I like you.

You're the one

I want to be around

You aren't Malfoy and yet adventures around you

A-bound.

But I worry that it won't do

To have me in love with you

You're perfect for me

Oh why can you see

That we like you!

Malcolm:

I like you

I truly like you

I have admired you from afar

I like you.

I do think

We go together

Side by side we can have all kinds

Of weather.

But I can't tell if it is right

I've never seen you in good light

We simply aren't sure

If you're a him or a her

But we like you.

Blaise: Huh.

Millicent: Well? Are you a boy or a girl?

Blaise: That's the thing - I don't know.

Malcolm: You don't ... where do you sleep?

Blaise: Er ... I have my own room.

Millicent: Do you wear boxers or thongs?

Blaise: That's personal!

Malcolm: You could ask Professor Snape. He's our Head of House, he's got to know.

Blaise: I'll go ask him, then!

Blaise (singing to "Man of La Mancha"):

I am I, Blaise Zabini

A student at Hogwarts

Am I a boy or a girl?

So I go on a journey

To look for the answers

With my hippogriff named Merle

(Golly, I hope I don't hurl)

Oh my thoughts are in a whirl.

Here I am, Blaise Zabini

I travel through England

To find out what I might know

I'll ask all the elders

And search through the records

Even the ones filled with woe

Maybe not musty ones though

Bothers my asthma you know!

Scene Three

(Snape's office)

Blaise: Professor Snape -

Snape: Quiet! Don't you know that old coot Dumbledore is always listening?

Blaise: Er ...

Snape: Now. Tell me what you want to know. And whatever you do, don't sing.

Blaise: Am I a boy or a girl?

Snape: How on earth should I know?

Blaise: Well, you're my Head of House!

Snape (singing to "One Pair of Arms"):

One Slytherin is like another

I don't have time to keep a score

Of who is who else's lover

It's such a bore. It's such a bore.

I don't care if you're a boy or woman

As long as it's my class you attend

I don't even care if you're human

Much less which way your leanings bend!

(Snape stops suddenly, and glares at Blaise.)

Snape: You made me sing! One hundred points from Slytherin!

Blaise: Well, darn.

Scene Four

(Dumbledore's Office)

Blaise: Professor Dumbledore, I need to know if I'm a boy or a girl.

Dumbledore: That would make a lovely basis for a song.

Blaise: Professor! I'm serious!

Dumbledore: No, you're Blaise. Sirius is in a possibly dead state, since no one has accurately told Harry whether or not falling through the Veil in the Ministry offices is fatal or not.

Blaise: Listen, you accepted me into Hogwarts - you've got to know if I'm a boy or a girl.

Dumbledore: Well, let's see. Do you sing tenor or soprano?

(Blaise screams in frustration. It should be noted that the portraits of former Headmasters sing the bits in parenthesis.)

Blaise (singing to "Little Bird"):

Dumbledore Dumbledore

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

In your office so grand

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Dumbledore Dumbledore

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

I've a question at hand.

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

There's a girl and man

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Who do love me

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Dumbledore Dumbledore, this can't be slash

Dumbledore Dumbledore, to whom shall I latch

Dumbledore Dumbledore

In all my life

Though laughter and strife

I never once

Had to use the loo

But now it's time

To know my fate

And I think my sexual leanings

Rest here with you.

Dumbledore Dumbledore

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

In your office so grand

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Dumbledore Dumbledore

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Must I search England?

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Do you know the truth

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

You sit, you wait

(Dumbledore Dumbledore)

Dumbledore Dumbledore, you've got your song

Dumbledore Dumbledore, I'll say so long

Dumbledore Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Bravo! Marvelous! Stupendous! Ten thousand points to Slytherin!

Blaise: Well? Am I a boy or a girl?

Dumbledore: Darned if I know.

Blaise: Rats.

Dumbledore: Go ask your parents. Maybe they know.

Scene Five

(The Zabini home.)

Blaise: Mum, dad, I have to know. Am I a boy or a girl?

Mum: Darling, you'd think your name makes it quite obvious!

Blaise: You'd think that, yes.

Dad: Well, Blaise, the truth is we don't rightly know.

Blaise: But ... you're my parents.

Mum (singing to "A Little Gossip"):

A little girlie, a little boy

We didn't pay attention, either's a joy

The doctors didn't tell and we never really looked

We didn't think it mattered much, you're hardly in the books.

Dad:

When you first got home we tried to give you dollies

But you didn't seem to like them very much

We gave you trucks and balls and bears

You'd throw them all away

So we'd finally say

You were a boring such-and-such.

Mum & Dad:

A little girlie, a little boy

Doesn't matter, you're still quite coy.

It's better never knowing, it can be rather fun

Whichever bathroom's line is the shortest one!

Blaise: Isn't there anyone who can tell me what sex I am?

Mum: Well... you could try going and asking the Ladies.

Blaise: The Ladies? You think they'd know?

Dad: Worth a try.

Blaise: Well ... if that's what I have to do!

Act Two, Scene One

(Orlando, Florida. Nimbus 2003 Harry Potter Convention)

Blaise: Excuse me, I'm looking for the Harry Potter convention.

Hotel Employee: Follow the lines of people wearing long cloaks.

Blaise: Thanks!

(Blaise goes into a meeting room.)

Blaise: Hi, is this the Harry Potter convention?

Fan #1: Shhh! Can't you see? All the really great fanfiction writers are talking right now!

Blaise: Oh!

(He runs up to the front of the room)

Blaise: Is it true? Are you the Ladies of the Fandom Universe?

The One Token Guy: I take offense at that.

Blaise (singing to "Knight of the Woeful Countenance"):

Hail Queens of the Fandom Universe

Queens of the Fandom Universe

Tell me if I'm a man, I know you can

From the clues that you glean

Oh Queens of the Fandom Universe.

You read the books through

You take note of the clues

You have the movies almost memorized

Your friends think you're mad

But you don't think it bad

To know Hagrid's accurate size.

Hail Queens of the Fandom Universe

Queens of the Fandom Universe

I've search the land, to here I ran

Oh please don't be mean

Dear Queens of the Fandom Universe!

Queen #1: Who are you?

Blaise: I'm Blaise Zabini.

Queen #2: Dammit! I thought Draco Malfoy was going to show!

Queen #3: Hey, Blaise? Do us a favor and drop trou?

Blaise: No! I just wanted to ask you a question.

Queen #3: Us first?

Blaise: I need to know if I'm a boy or a girl.

(The queens fall silent and look at each other)

Queen #1: Actually ... we were going to ask you the same thing.

Blaise: But ... I was told you knew!

Queen #2: Oh, no. There isn't any indication anywhere in the books if you're a boy or a girl.

Queen #3: Or the movies.

Blaise: But ... you write about me all the time!

Queen #1: Sure do. You're a girl in my fic.

Queen #2: And a boy in mine.

Queen #3: I switch back and forth, usually.

(Suddenly the entire room breaks into chatter.)

Fan #1: He's a girl!

Fan #2: No, she's a boy!

Half the Room: GIRL!

Half the Room: BOY!

(A catfight ensues. Fangirls everywhere are screaming, pulling each other's hair out, kicking each other's knees, and throwing little Hedwig plushies across the room.)

Blaise: But... who would know if I were a boy or girl? I have to find out!

Queen #1: I think your only option is to ask J.K. Rowling. She wrote the books, she must know.

Blaise: Where can I find her?

Queen #2: She's got a castle in Scotland.

Blaise: Then that's where I'll go.

Queen #3: Oh, Blaise! Wait for a second - can you tell us if ...

(She breaks down into giggles)

Blaise: If what?

Queen #3: If Draco looks as good in leather trousers as we all hoped?

(The queens all fall over laughing. Blaise, disgusted, leaves the convention.)

Scene Two

(Scotland. J.K. Rowling's castle. Blaise enters her writing studio.)

Blaise: Excuse me, Mrs Rowling?

JKR: I'm sorry, I'm very busy right now. I'm posting really bad Draco/Harry slash to put my fans off the right track.

Blaise: I don't suppose you heard about Dumbledore's ban, then.

JKR: Oh, that. Yeah. He's an old coot. I can do whatever.

Blaise: Listen, I just had a real quick question for you.

JKR: Okay, but make it snappy. There's an online discussion about the last chapter in Draco Veritas that I need to spy on.

Blaise (singing to "Dulcinea"):

Mrs Rowling, Mrs Rowling

You've my secret in your cabinet

Mrs Rowling.

Only you can tell me which sex I am

Mrs Rowling, Mrs Rowling.

Let me one little peek

Into secrets you know which were locked deep in the past.

Then I'll leave you in peace

And go into the world at least knowing how I swing at last.

Mrs Rowling, Mrs Rowling

You hold my secret, let me see it

Mrs Rowling!

I'll throw a tantrum 'til you let me know my sex

Mrs Rowling, Mrs Rowling.

JKR: Wow. That was ... moving.

Blaise: Really?

JKR: No. Not really.

Blaise: Well, will you tell me anyway?

JKR (singing to "Impossible Dream"):

You ask the impossible thing

You want what is rightfully yours

You can't have the knowledge you'd like

You'd just fall in a faint on the floor

I won't tell you the truth

I'll keep my secret at hand

I'll tell no one their fate

I'd lose all profits to sand.

The truth you seek no longer exists

It was destroyed in Yorkshire's mists

You'll just have to pretend that you don't really care

If you're a boy or a girl, with dresses or tuxes to wear.

I can tell that you will find out at the end of the books

Where your path lies and which way you swing

If you have courage to look.

And you'll see that it's all for the best

That you wait to learn what you are

And that time is in your best interest

Before that truth that may scar.

Blaise: So you're not telling me.

JKR: Nope. Wait until Book Seven.

Blaise: Oh, fine. That'll be out in what ... one year? Two?

JKR: Uh ... sure.

(Blaise leaves.)

JKR: Oooo! A new chapter of Around the House with the Dark Lord is up!

Scene Three

(Seventy years in the future. Old Blaise goes tottering out to the mailbox, followed by Old Millicent and Old Malcolm.)

Old Blaise: It's here! It's here!

Old Millicent: Oh, hurry and open it!

(Old Blaise pulls the package out of the mailbox and unwraps it. It's a book, titled "Harry Potter and the Really Great Way to Earn Money By Saying that the Series Will Only Be Seven Books Long and then Dragging Them Out to Over Twenty Books, but I Really Really Really Promise This Time That This is the Last One.")

Old Millicent: Wow, it sounds fascinating.

Old Malcolm: Quick, skip to the end!

(Old Blaise skips to the end of the book. They all three read the last page.)

Old Blaise: Well.

Old Millicent: That's interesting.

Old Malcolm: I don't get it.

Old Blaise: I'm not sure what this means.

Old Millicent: It sure answers the question if you're a boy or a girl, Blaise.

Old Blaise: I suppose.

Old Malcolm: Huh. Well then, Blaise, I guess you'll be marrying -

(And thankfully, the curtain falls.)

*

(Oops. Did that curtain fall before the end of the parody? Well, let's try that again...)

Old Blaise: I suppose.

Old Malcolm: Huh. Well, then, Blaise, I guess you'll be marrying -