Harry Potter, Broadway Style! My Fair Lady

My Fair Lady

Act One, Scene One

(Gryffindor Tower. Ron and Hermione are sitting on the couch, snuggling.)

Hermione: Oh, Ron. I'm so glad we finally got over our teenage inability to communicate with each other, and are happily sleeping together on a regular basis.

Ron: Oh, Hermione. You're the only girl I could ever love. Say I'm the only one you're able to love in return!

Hermione: Aren't you sweet now.

Ron: Er, Hermione?

Hermione: Oh, my, look at the time! I have to run along now and help Professor Snape with some extra credit Potions work. Don't wait up, lover boy.

(Hermione leaves the tower)

Scene Two

(The Potions Lab. Severus Snape is standing at a cauldron, mixing something. Dumbledore is with him.)

Dumbledore: Severus, I wish you would just find happiness.

Snape: Albus, you're a crackpot and you're clearly trying to get me to sing about how I don't need happiness.

Dumbledore: Well, you found me out. Anyway, you should still find some sort of person to share your life with.

Snape: Go eat a lemon drop.

Dumbledore: Fine, be that way.

(Dumbledore leaves the lab and runs into Hermione in the hall just outside of it.)

Dumbledore: Oh, Miss Granger! You wouldn't by any chance be going in to help Severus with some sort of extra credit project, are you?

Hermione: Er, yes, actually.

Dumbledore (looking strangely like Mr Burns from The Simpsons): Excellent.

(Hermione inches away)

Hermione: Right.

Dumbledore: Well then ... have fun! Don't fall in love, now!

(Dumbledore exits)

Hermione: I do love Ron ... but I know he's not a good match for me.

(Inside the lab, Snape sighs)

Snape: I wish Dumbledore would butt out once in a while. I don't need anyone in my life. Well. Maybe ...

Snape (singing to "Wouldn't It be Loverly?"):

All I want is a quiet room

No kids no class no broken pots to broom

No stupid gits who swoon

Oh, that would be so lovely.

Hermione:

All I want is a nice thick book

A glass of milk and a quiet nook

Not boys who castle my rook

Oh, that would be so lovely.

Snape & Hermione:

Oh, so nice to be sitting with no one bothering at all

All by myself and so alone...

A place all of my own.

Maybe a door opens, someone's there

Looking to spend time brushing my hair

They might want to comfort me ...

Oh, that might be ... well, lovely.

(Snape opens the door to the hall suddenly, looking both ways)

Snape: You haven't seen Dumbledore lurking about, have you?

Hermione: Er, he was, but he left a while ago.

Snape: Good. Get in here.

(Hermione goes into his office.)

Snape: Okay, for your extra credit assignment, you have to brew a Cliche Potion.

Hermione: All right.

(Hermione brews the potion. As she's finishing, a strange vapor rises from the cauldron, enveloping both her and Snape)

Snape: Damn, I knew this would happen!

Hermione: Professor, what is this vapor? And why do you suddenly look really hot?

Snape: It's a nasty side effect of a Cliche Potion. Sometimes, when brewed, the potion sets off a vapor that enables the people present to live out the worst cliche ever. I suppose, in this case, the vapor is enabling us to live out a cliched fantasy in which you and I are drastically in love.

Hermione (batting her eyelashes): Oh. Will it wear off, Snapey-kins?

Snape (flexing his biceps): God, I hope not, my little turtledove.

(They run at each other, and fall to the floor, and this is when we'll switch to ....)

Scene Three

(The Gryffindor Common Room, sometime later. Hermione enters, as if dancing on a cloud)

Hermione (singing to "I Could Have Danced All Night):

I could have brewed all night

I could have brewed all night

And still have brewed 'til dawn.

Hand me some asphodel

And some of donna-bell and lock the door 'gainst Ron.

You just don't know how much I craved the

Scent of potions in the air!

You see when passion's hot

Who cares if the cauldron's not

Just let me brew, brew. brew all night!

(Harry pops out of the woodwork)

Harry: Hermione, what was that song about?

Hermione: Er, nothing.

Harry: Oh god, Snape didn't make you brew a Cliche Potion, did he? He tried that on me last week and I ended up spending three days thinking he was my real dad.

Hermione: I don't love Severus because of a stupid Cliche Potion, Harry! I really and truly love him!

Harry: Right. Go take a nap, it'll wear off eventually.

Hermione (singing softly to herself): I could have brewed all night, I could have brewed all night ...

(Hermione exits, just as Ron enters)

Ron: What's up with her? Snape didn't make her brew a Cliche Potion, did he?

Harry: What, you too?

Ron: With Draco, last month, and let us never speak of this again.

Harry: He has got to lay off that firewhiskey.

Ron: Well, it'll wear off, I suppose. What's her cliche? She didn't fall madly in love with Snape, did she?

Harry: .....

Ron: Aw, shit!

(Hermione enters again)

Hermione: Oh, Ron! I was looking for you. We had lots of fun, but I'm afraid it's over between us. Sevvie and I are in love and are going to run off and be married.

Ron: Herm, it's a Cliche Potion. You're not really in love with Snape.

Hermione: Don't say such silly things! I know you're probably a bit sore, on account of us sleeping together and everything, but really. You'll get over it.

Ron: And so will you!

Hermione: Sweet little Ronnie!

(She kisses his forehead, and goes floating out the door. Ron glares at the door.)

Ron (singing to "Just You Wait"):

Just you wait, 'Mione Granger, you will see!

I'll be right, what an impossibility!

He'll be gone, you'll be begging

But there won't be any wedding

Just you wait, 'Mione Granger, just you wait.

In the dawn, 'Mione Granger, that is when

All the dreams you have will go down the drain

In the morn is when you'll learn, Ronald Weasley ought not be spurned

Oh ho ho, 'Mione Granger, just you wait.

Harry: Er, Ron, what are you going to do? You're not going on evil on us now, are you?

Ron: No! No, of course not!

(Ron exits, wiping his forehead where Hermione kissed him as he goes)

Harry: Oh, damn. She must have affected him with the Cliche Potion when she kissed him. Well, I'd better go tell Dumbledore everything for once, instead of waiting around until the last minute.

(He stops, groaning)

Harry: Aw, it got me too!

(Exits)

Act Two, Scene One

(Voldie's Secret Lair. Voldie is lounging on a La-Z-Boy recliner, and eating Lays salt-n-vinegar potato chips)

Voldie: Hey, Rockwood. Eat just one of these and I'll give you a million dollars.

Rockwood: Okay.

(Rockwood eats one ... and then eats one more.)

Voldie: You loose! Avada Kedavra!

(Rockwood dies)

Voldie: God, I'm bored.

(Ron enters)

Ron: Greetings, most Snakey-one! I have a proposal for you!

Voldie: Er, aren't you the Potter brat's best friend?

Ron: Yeah, but that's beside the point. You've got a mole, I've got a problem with your spy.

Voldie: Eh? What's that?

Ron: He's boinking my girlfriend.

Voldie: Yeah, that can be the pits. What do you want me to do about it?

Ron: I am prepared to hand over the mole in exchange for my girlfriend.

Voldie: Hmm. Yeah, I like that. I suppose you'll give me access to Hogwarts and all that as well, then?

Ron: Oh, sure.

Voldie: Hurrah! Boredom alleviated! Minions! Let's get a move on!

Voldie (singing to "I'm Getting Married in the Morning"):

I'm going to Hogwarts in the morning!

"Oh, help" the kids are gonna cry!

Set off the Dark Marks!

Collect the laundry!

But get me to the school on time!

Death Eaters:

We're gonna attack in the morning

It's why we have to make up rhymes.

We can't be late

Breakfast is at eight

We have to be at Hogwarts on time.

Voldie:

Yup, I'm gonna get them in the morning

Yee-haw, the morning lark has chimed!

Come along you minions,

Albus won't be grinnin'

When I am at Hogwarts...

Death Eaters:

When he is at Hogwarts

Voldie:

For Merlin's sake, get me to Hogwarts on time!

Scene Two

(Dumbledore's office. Hermione and Snape are sitting next to each other, holding hands and giving doey-eyed looks at each other)

Dumbledore: This is a very serious offense, Snape. You really have to stop giving students that Cliche Potion of yours. Really, you gave it to Neville Longbottom and he went around for a solid week convinced that he was the child mentioned in Sybill Trelawney's prophecy!

Snape: Ah, but Albus, I love her! She's my snookie-ookums.

Hermione: Ah, sigh!

Dumbledore: I mean, it would be all right if you would at least sing or something.

Snape: Not even this could make me that happy, Albus.

Dumbledore: Darn.

(Suddenly the lights go out, and all we can hear are screams and a bit of a tussle. When the lights come back on ... )

The One Person Left in the Room: Oh, damn.

Scene Three

(Voldie's Secret Lair again. Voldie is jumping from foot to foot, fairly excited.)

Voldie: Oh boy oh boy oh boy! I'm getting a present today!

(Lucius Malfoy enters the room, with two hooded people in tow)

Lucius: Master! I bring you the gift of a mole and his lover!

Voldie: Yippee! Can I open them now? Please, can't I?

(Voldie runs over to them)

Lucius: Now now, you have to wait until the other minions are here. They wouldn't want to miss out on the fun.

Voldie: Awwww!

(The Death Eaters all enter the room, along with Ron)

Voldie: Good, you're all here. I have an announcement to make: Our mole has been discovered!

Death Eaters: Huzzah!

Voldie: Thanks to Ronald Weasley, we have managed to infiltrate Hogwarts and retrieve our mole, as well as Mr Weasley's girlfriend, who the mole had been boinking. We will now unmask our mole and return Weasley's girlfriend to him, and they will live happily ever after.

Death Eaters: Huzz... er, okay.

Voldie: But first, we have to congratulate Head Minion Lucius Malfoy, for his splendid reconnaissance!

Death Eaters: Huzzah!

Lucius: Oh, it was nothing.

Voldie (singing to "You Did It"):

Good show, Lucius, you did it!

You did it, you did it!

You said that you would find them and indeed you did.

Here's Granger and the Master

You couldn't have been faster

I simply must commend you

And not to Crucio you

You did most terribly well

The minion I value best

Lucius:

It was nothing. Really nothing.

Voldie:

All by yourself you found them

You've passed my every test.

Lucius:

I did ... I did ...

I slid through the hallways dark

Into an office, what a lark!

Voldie:

And here we have our prizes

We've had no surprises

Our plan is now in action

And no minions are in traction

We're ready to proceed now

Mr Weasley!

Here is Granger, just for you

And don't forget the Galleons too

We have to thank for your helpful time

Lucius:

But Voldie don't you want to hear

How I got them from under Albus' ear?

And just as they were about to rhyme?

Voldie:

You foiled his chance for musical fun?

Well, tell us Lucius, you son of a gun!

This is the best news I've had all night.

Lucius:

I found them in Albus's office

Talking to him

So I grabbed my hiding sheets and killed the lights!

Voldie:

I say to you

You did it, you did it, you did it.

Weasley has his Granger

(Though that relationship is stranger)

And we've got our spy

The sly ...

(He pulls the hood off one of the figures, revealing...)

Everyone:

DUMBLEDORE?!?!

Dumbledore: Ha ha! I got my musical interlude after all!

(Dumbledore Apparates away, leaving the rest of them in shock)

Lucius: Er ... oops?

Ron: Well, isn't that too bad, come along, Hermione, we'll be off.

Hermione (from under the hood): Ronald Weasley! You traitor! You sold us out!

Ron: Heh heh, I'll explain later, sweetums.

(He is about to escape with Hermione when Voldie jumps in front of him.)

Voldie: Not so fast! You promised us our mole, and I want our mole!

Ron: Well, see, if your minion wasn't capable of grabbing the right guy, I don't see how that's my fault.

Lucius: Ronald Weasley! And after you and my son spent a night together last month!

(Ron jumps and backs away from Lucius)

Ron: I have no idea what you're going on about!

(Snape Apparates in)

Snape: Voldie, unhand my woman!

Hermione (from under the hood): Sevvie, my darling!

Ron: Oh, jeez...

Voldie: Sev! Baby! Mole-man! You think I'm just going to hand her over?

Snape: Well ... yes, actually. Because then I'll be grateful to you, and I'll turn double on Dumbledore and spy on him for you, and when he thinks I'm spying on you for him, even though I'm already giving you loads of information about Dumbledore, and he knows I'm giving you information, but you'll know that I'm really a triple spy on Dumbledore for you and not the other way round, and I'll just keep playing middle ground and giving both sides all sorts of information, and continue hedging my bets on who's gonna win this war.

(Everyone stares at Snape in confusion)

Voldie: Er, right. Here you are, then.

(He hands the still-hooded Hermione over to Snape)

Ron: Listen, Snape, I've been rather silly about all this.

Snape: Oh? I hadn't noticed.

Ron: Yeah. I mean, if Hermione wants to be with you, I suppose I don't really mind.

Snape: You're kidding me.

Ron (singing to "On the Street Where you Live"):

I have often stood in your class before

And wondered what sort of git might lurk beyond classroom doors.

It matters not, you're the one she wants

I'm just the one who she shags.

When she speaks your name, she goes all sweet

And it's clear she'd be here worshipping at your feet.

Is it your slimey hair, or your stony stare?

'Cause it's you who she'd rather shag.

And oh! It's rather alarming

How I rather don't mind

If she'd like to be with you

As long as her bed is mine.

That's just the way it is, when she loves me and you

Or is lust a better theory for what must be true?

Oh, who gives a shit, my life is the pits

Because you're the one she wants to shag!

Snape: So you're saying we share her?

Ron: Yeah. That work for you?

(Snape ponders for a moment)

Snape: Yeah, sure, I can deal with that. I get Tuesdays and Thursdays.

(Hermione rips off her hood)

Hermione: I don't believe this! Don't I get a vote?

Snape: What, you'd rather be with me on Sundays and Wednesdays?

Ron: I have bowling on Tuesdays, Herm, you're much better off with him on those days.

Snape: Hey, does she do that thing with the thing with you?

Ron: Dude, I showed her that thing with the thing!

(They both laugh, and Hermione screams in frustration)

Hermione: That's it! I want neither of you!

Snape & Ron: What?!?!

Hermione (singing to "Without You"):

There'll be Gryffindors without you

I can study some more without you

There will be dinner to eat and new students to meet

And there'll be Mrs Weasley's treats

Without you

Potions class will go on without you

I can still sing a song without you

I can chop asphodel and watch poor Neville

Things explode oh so well

Without you

I can brew without you!

You both are so egotistical

You can go to

Diagon or Gringotts or ... hell!

We will still win the Cup without you

Voldie'll still breed his Crups without you

And when you both are gone, our lives will still go on

Without you

Without your brewing them the potions are made

Without your blocking it, the goals are saved

Without your snogging me, my life goes on

If I can do without you, why's leaving wrong?

I shall not feel alone without you

I can stand on my own without you

Go back to Hogwarts, it's time to depart without you

(She grabs a random Death Eater)

Hermione: Apparate, sweet cheeks, you're mine.

(They Apparate away)

Voldie: She does realize that she grabbed Peter Pettigrew, right?

Snape: Well ... at least he'll get laid.

(And thankfully ... the curtain falls.)