Utter Chaos

"Hey you guys! Look at this!" called Harry, climbing into the Slytherin common room, waving a book.

"Not now, Harry," muttered Hermione, intent in her chess game with Ron. Her forehead was furrowed in concentration and she was biting her lower lip hard. She moved her Queen a few paces to the right.

"Checkmate!" she shouted triumphantly.

Ron's face fell ludicrously. Hermione pounced on a sheaf of papers that Ron was holding with a cry of joy.

"Harry, our troubles are over! I've got Ron's Potions homework. All we have to do is-"

"Will you stop jabbering and pay attention?" said Harry, thrusting the book that he was holding into Hermione's hands.

"Read," he commanded.

Ron peered over Hermione's shoulders.

HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE

And there was a picture of a spectacled boy with a lightning shaped scar on his forehead, standing next to a train named 'Hogwarts Express' on Platform nine and three-quarters.

Hermione gave a gasp, at the same time as Ron said, "Harry, you didn't tell me you were going to write an autobiography. And anyway, shouldn't you wait until you're in your deathbed before publishing your memoirs?"

Harry spanked Ron on the head with the book. "Stupid. I didn't write it."

"Then who?" demanded Ron, rubbing his head. "Reckon it might be Rita Skeeter?"

"No, it's somebody called J.K.Rowling," replied Hermione glancing at the book.

"Who the devil is she?" asked Harry angrily.

"And how did she come to know your life history?" asked Hermione thoughtfully.

"Hey! Look here!" said Ron, pointing to a few lines in the book. "It's given here that you, Harry, defeated you-know-who when you were 1 year old and-"

"WHAT?!" yelled Harry outraged. "I defeating The Greatest Wizard of All Times? I, who am not worthy enough to even touch his feet! It's blasphemy!"

He grabbed the book and did a double take. "It says here that we are Gryffindors!"

"Oh My God! It's an INSULT! I DEMAND JUSTICE!" bellowed Ron. "I'm launching a lawsuit against J.K.Rowling for wrong potrayal of-"

"Shut up!" muttered Harry. "You'll have all the other nosy Slytherins here."

Professor Trelawney came in. "Who's the person who did the town-crier imitation?"

Harry ran a hand through his hair and affected a sophisticated pose. "It's nothing Professor," he said lazily. "We were just experimenting on whose voice was the loudest."

Professor Trelawney visibly melted. "Just keep it a bit down, Harry. You know how much I need my afternoon sleep." She batted her eyelashes at him, and with a small wave, left the Common room.

"Look what happened due to your idiotic play-acting," said Harry, annoyed.

Ginny stuck her head in the room, then walked fully in. "What's all the racket about?" she asked irritably.

Harry's manner became completely sugar and honey so quickly it could have been magic "Ah, there you are Ginny dear. The most awful thing has happened-"

"What's this?" she asked, ignoring Harry and grabbing the book from Ron. "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone." She read aloud.

She looked up and saw three faces anxiously waiting for her reaction.

"You didn't tell me you had another girlfriend called J.K.Rowling and had asked her to write your biography, Harry," she said in a deceptively sweet voice.

"Of course I didn't!" said Harry revolted.

"And why didn't you?" asked Ginny, in that same soft voice, which nevertheless had a dangerous intonation for Harry.

"Why didn't I what?" asked Harry, confused.

"Why didn't you tell me that you had another girlfriend?" asked Ginny furiously, the soft voice gone.

"I don't have another girlfriend!" burst out Harry. "You're the only one."

He began to sing,
'You're the only one for me,
You're the only one I see'

"Oh, shut up," said Ginny exasperatedly. "Why did you say, 'Of course I didn't!'?"

I didn't mean 'Of course I didn't tell you'," replied Harry. "I meant 'Of course I don't have another girlfriend and I didn't ask whoever wrote this to write it.' In fact I've never heard of her in my life!"

"Of course you haven't," said Ginny sarcastically.

Her eyes sparkled with fire and she waved her wand. There was a loud bang and a cloud of smoke. All of them began coughing and wiping their eyes. After the fog cleared, Harry saw that Hermione had been turned in to a beaver.

All he could manage was a choked cry which could have also been 'Ginny!', when there was a shuffling sound and before their astonished eyes, Draco, flanked by his best friends, Crabbe and Goyle, McGonagall the poltergeist, Professor Snape and Professor Dumbledore appeared on the scene.

"What are you doing here?" asked Harry looking contemptuously at Drcao and his friends. "You know Gryffindors are not allowed here."

"It was due to Mr.Malfoy's kind offices in informing us that a duel was taking place in the Slytherin Common Room that we are here," said Dumbledore sternly to Harry.

"I was just doing my duty sir," said Draco virtuously.

"A duel? Sir, Malfoy was just pulling your leg. There was no-"

Just then Crabbe spotted Hermione-turned-beaver (who was nibbling on one of the chair legs) and gave a shrill cry.

"What is it, child?" asked Professor Snape, turning to Crabbe. He gave an exclamation as he saw Hermione-turned-beaver, who had left the chair's leg and was beginning on a table.

"Potter, what is all this?" asked Dumbledore sternly.

"Uh..It was.."

"It was I! I did it!" said Ginny dramatically.

"Granger is a beaver! Granger is a beaver!" cackled McGonagall doing a kind of jig in the air. "Coo, ain't she funny?"

"I don't recall asking for your presence here," said Dumbledore to McGonagall. "You may leave."

McGonagall left obediently still singing "Granger is a beaver! Wait till everyone hears about this!"

"Now, Harry," said Snape gently. "Will you be so kind as to explain?"

"Well professor, it was like this. I-"

"Read this, sir," interrupted Ron, thrusting the book under Snape's nose.

"What's this?" asked Snape, reading the title. His eyebrows rose and he shot a questioning look at Harry.

"Go on. Read it, sir," urged Ron.

Snape obediently opened the book and began to read trying to ignore Dumbledore's heavy breathing by his ear as he read over his shoulder.

Suddenly he uttered a startled ejaculation.

"What nonsense is this? It says here that Professor Dumbledore is the headmaster, not I. And it talks about you killing Voldemort, Harry. You better let this not reach The Dark Lord's ears. In fact I suggest you burn it."

Obedient to Professor Snape, the headmaster of Hogwarts, Harry picked up the book and walked towards the fireplace. Just as he was about to burn it, there was a small pop and a lady apparated into their midst.

"Oh no you don't," she said, snatching the book from Harry. "And just to be on the safe side.." She waved her wand.

"Obliviate!"

Immediately there appeared a blank look on all their faces. "Good," she muttered, and clutching the book tightly in her hands she disappeared.

In a dilapidated churchyard in London, a lady appeared out of nowhere, clasping a book in her arms.

"That was a close call," she muttered, wiping her brow. She walked towards the nearest café.

"I should be more careful in the future. Musn't let Jessica get her hands on any of my books and must especially keep wands and other magical items from her reach."

After the waitress took her order, she took out a small notebook and began writing furiously. "Last chapter of the fifth book. Fans won't have to wait long now."

*****

A/N- Well that was my first attempt at humour. I know it's ridiculous, but it's meant to be that way. This was a topic on which I'd been wanting to write for a long time!
And I also want to say that no offense is meant, to J.K.Rowling.