A Mate

A Mate

Chapter 7: Miseries of Misunderstandings

Sirius and James burst into the common room panting and gasping, the Invisibility Cloak thrown quickly at Peter, who was the only other person in the Tower, the rest of the Gryffindors very likely outside enjoying the strange warm break in the cold spring weather.

"Hide it...." James panted.

"Where have you two been?" Peter asked wonderingly, as he put the Cloak behind his back.

"No time... just-" James looked up, startled when the common room door swung open.

Sirius, regaining his own breath, quickly dropped next to Peter and pulled him closer by his collar.

"Say nothing," he whispered harshly. Peter nodded a little frightfully and Sirius let him go and sat back, trying to seem as casual as possible.

Remus and Rachel entered the room, and he regarded his quiet friends with some suspicion, something was going on here....

"Hi, Remus! Is this who you said you were meeting then?" James said cheerfully, nearly wincing at his overly-happy tone.

Remus, suddenly recalling his manners, ignored the strange atmosphere of the common room and nodded.

"Yes, I'd like you all to meet Rachel Nokomis." Remus smiled at the dark-haired girl, who grinned at them all warmly.

"Nice to meet you," she greeted them.

Sirius growled quietly, and James shot him an exasperated look before sitting down in a spare armchair.

"Rachel, this is Peter, James and Sirius," Remus said gesturing to them in turn.

When Remus introduced Sirius, Rachel looked at him sideways and raised her eyebrows so slightly, it was only Remus who noticed. Understanding her glance, he flushed a little and quickly went to sit down, hoping she wouldn't do anything to expose his secret. He'd explained to her on the way to the common room the situation he was in and she had responded with an empathetic understanding that Remus was grateful for; she understood his pain, just as he did hers.

"Well, I'm very glad Remus has friends like you," Rachel said happily as she sat next to Remus, shooting a sly glance at Sirius. "He's very lucky."

"And why's that then?" Sirius snapped at her, taking everyone by surprise.

Rachel seemed to recover quickly and hid an amused smile; it seemed as though Remus hadn't seen just how much Sirius' feelings mirrored his own, if the boy's near possessive rage was anything to go by.

"Because of his situation. To find someone who can support you, even though you're different is a wonderful thing," she murmured, smiling at Sirius' puzzled frown. "I wish I were as lucky."

Remus regarded the smiling girl with sad eyes and frowned at her words. There was so much sorrow for his kind; there was no escape from it. The curse of being a werewolf didn't stop at the physical pain of transformation: from the ruined innocence of youth to the emotional distance needed to survive in the human world. Werewolves suffered their isolated pain over and over, the added problem of this 'puberty' for the early turned werewolves proving to be the bitter icing on the cake.

James, seeing sadness overcome them both, noticed the almost eerie similarities they shared. Although Rachel's dark complexion and slightly unkempt appearance were complete opposites of Remus' tawny haired neatness, the two had the same slender build and the same sorrow of understanding that seemed to echo in their eyes. He'd never seen such silent loss and the appearance of it twice over made him shift uncomfortably.

"Is it nice, at Hutchison I mean?" James asked, not missing Remus' thankful expression at his change of subject.

"Hutchison is wonderful. Of course, it is sometimes a little hard, what with everyone knowing about me being a werewolf but they've had a few years to adjust to it, so it's not too bad." Rachel grinned, and Remus noticed her elasticity when it came to her moods, no matter what disturbed her, she always seemed to snap back to her warm smiles. He knew that trick, he had practiced it often.

As Rachel, James and Peter chatted about the differences between Hutchison and Hogwarts, Remus noticed that Sirius seemed strangely withdrawn. He was about to ask what was so wrong, when something Rachel said got his attention.

"Really? All I have is a little cage, they don't seem to think I'll be safe if I have any more space than that," Rachel said, smiling sardonically.

"That's terrible!" Remus exclaimed.

Remus knew how trapped he felt on Transformation nights and he was only in a room. Even when he was at home, the worst he had to suffer was the cellar.

"Well, it makes the students feel safe, I suppose. They make sure they can't hear my lonely howls by placing a Silencing Spell on the room they keep my cage in. I suppose no one can hear you howling Remus?" Rachel asked.

Remus shook his head with a small smile. "Only some people in Hogsmeade, and for some reason they think it's a ghost." Remus laughed as he remembered one particular story he'd heard. "They say I'm a grieving soul howling for my lost love."

Remus looked over to Sirius to see his reaction at this amusing rumour, yet noted he only seemed even more agitated and was now openly frowning.

"Sirius? Siri?" Remus watched as Sirius snapped out of his brooding mood, and suddenly look up at him with a strangely troubled expression. "Are you okay?"

"Mmm, I've just got to check on something." And with that, Sirius quickly left for their dorm.

"What's the matter with him?" Remus asked with confusion.

James sighed and shook his head.

"Oh, Remus, would you mind taking me back to Dumbledore's office? My father should be there by now, he wanted to, erm, meet you," Rachel said wrinkling her nose slightly.

Remus nodded distractedly.

"Okay, I'll be back in a bit, James."

James nodded. "It was nice to meet you Rachel," he said, shaking her hand.

Peter repeated James' farewell and the two werewolves left, both looking equally preoccupied.

"Cloak," James said to Peter, holding out his hand.

Peter huffed and gave the Invisibility Cloak to James. "Are you going to tell me what all this sneaking around is about?"

"Make sure Sirius is all right, okay Wormtail?" And with that, James disappeared under the Cloak and followed the two cautiously, wondering what this whole thing was about.

*

"Are you okay?"

Remus gave the girl a tired smile, and nodded.

"It's just, trying to figure out that boy is impossible, he'll be the death of me," Remus said, and then laughed darkly at how true that sentence was.

Rachel, sensing the double meaning suddenly stopped the boy.

"Don't be like that. You must know that-"

"And what do we have here? Ah, the little poof. Has your boyfriend dumped you, or have you just figured out you were fucking the wrong sex?" came a voice dripping with venom.

Remus turned wearily to face Rabastan Lestrange, one of the Slytherins that Rosier usually hung out with, and he noted that he had another Slytherin with him, someone whom he didn't recognise.

"Rabastan," Remus nodded at the scowling boy, and the blonde-haired girl who was with him.

"I did not give my permission for you to use my name. Rosier was right about you, nothing but an ignorant little gutter rat, one that scratches and bites like a girl. I'd watch out for him," he went on silkily to Rachel. "He's a violent little bitch. Why not go for a better man than that pathetic little worm?"

Rachel gave the boy a disdainful glance, and then turned her interest to his companion.

"I'd rather not go for a man at all, thanks," she said, as she rather blatantly looked the Slytherin girl, up and down.

Remus couldn't help but laugh at the shock on both the Slytherins' faces, and took the chance to quickly move past them both, Rachel and Remus giggling all the way down the corridor.

"Well, they weren't expecting that." Remus smiled.

"That was great!" Rachel laughed. "Does everyone know that you're gay?"

"What? No. They just assume I suppose." Remus smiled wryly. "And you? With your easy declarations, does everyone know that you're gay?"

Rachel giggled again. "No. They just assume."

Both started laughing, and they made their way to Dumbledore's office, taking no notice of the still shocked shadow that breathed out that one startling word.

"Gay?"

*

Remus stopped Rachel, just before her hand opened the door.

"Rachel? What if your father still wants us to bond?" Remus asked with a frown.

It seemed from the girl's worried lip that she was also concerned, but then gave a small smile of reassurance.

"It'll be fine. He won't force it, not when he finds out," she said before opening the door.

"Finds out wha-"

"Remus, Rachel, do come in. Remus I'd like you to meet Mr. Nokomis, Mr. Nokomis, this is who I was telling you about," Dumbledore said cheerfully.

Remus looked at the man Dumbledore named as Rachel's father, and he held his breath as golden eyes raked into his very soul. An ageless gaze had Remus frozen at the older werewolf's inspection, and all he knew of the man were those eyes.

Suddenly Mr. Nokomis sighed, and looked away, glancing worriedly at his daughter, who gave him a small smile of comfort.

"You are already committed." His voice was deep and its resonance distracted Remus for a moment, before he realised what had been said.

"C-committed? I don't have a mate sir, if that's what you mean," Remus stammered under the other werewolf's gaze, nervous at appearing wrong in front of this man, who seemed so perceptive.

"No, not yet, but soon. You know who he is I believe?" Mr. Nokomis asked.

Remus flushed at his words and looked down, avoiding his questioning look.

"There is someone I believe to be... right," Remus murmured.

Mr. Nokomis nodded thoughtfully.

"His scent is already a part of your own, you have accepted him whether you know it or not. He is now the only one with the ability to become your mate, you will have no other," the older werewolf said, with a second sigh. "Ah well, thank you anyway, Albus. It seems we'll have to keep looking, this was just a pointless meeting."

Dumbledore smiled softly. "Not pointless, perhaps."

Remus looked up at the Headmaster, who seemed to be smiling at him and Rachel.

"No, not pointless. I'm glad to have met you, Remus Lupin." Rachel smiled, and she took the boy's hand and squeezed it softly.

Remus squeezed back. "And I you."

Rachel nodded, and then retreated to her father's side, and he looked at her sadly, as though she was already lost.

"Well, we must go. Farwell Albus, Remus, I wish you luck."

Remus nodded and watched as the two walked into the fireplace, and Flooed away. Rachel, the last to go, raised her hand in silent goodbye.

Remus sighed as she went, her sad plight melting away with her presence, like the smoke of the Floo powder.

"Thank you, Professor," Remus said quietly to Dumbledore.

The Headmaster raised his eyes to Remus with complete innocence, "For what dear boy?"

*

Sirius scoured the great volume in front of him, with panic-stricken eyes. His mind turned the conversation he'd just heard, over in his mind, with an alarmed urgency.

"They make sure they can't hear my lonely howls, by placing a Silencing Spell on the room they keep my cage in. I suppose no one can hear you howling, Remus?"

"Merlin, not this, not this, please no," he murmured, as he flicked the pages over and over, his mantra fiercer with every turn of the pages.

"Only some people in Hogsmeade, and for some reason, they think it's a ghost. They say I'm a grieving soul howling for my lost love."

"No, no, no, don't be, it can't be." Sirius came to the page he was looking for and sat back despairingly, as he read the passage.

'Werewolves and their Mates, Calls and Signs of the Search for Love

In a werewolf's life, there comes a period where the child werewolf matures into an adult werewolf. This period is usually between the ages of sixteen and eighteen years, and only happens to those who have been afflicted with Lycanthropy before the age of sixteen. Those who are bitten after the normal stage of human puberty need not go through the stage, as this phase cannot be triggered through the changes an adolescent goes through, to become an adult.

The child werewolf will find his/her body changed by overnight maturation that occurs after the first full moon after their birth date. Changes are usually acquired due to the werewolf's previous existence in child form, and as they have now reached the stage of their 'puberty'. After this transformation has occurred, all the normal changes a human goes through the werewolf will soon become familiar with, such as growth of the body and sexual maturation. Other side effects of this change also include: a suggestion of their wolf-like appearance through certain alterations (such as eye/hair colour).

These changes, however, are minor compared to what the werewolf is now compelled to do. As the body is changed to that of an adult werewolf, the wolf's instincts will be triggered, and the wolf soon becomes obsessed in the search for a mate. As an adult, a mate is one of the most important things to a werewolf (whether this mate be werewolf or not,) and the need for one if not satisfied before a maximum of six months, the werewolf will be driven to insanity and then will either kill her/himself in the transformation or give up living.

The period of the search for a mate is the most important in a werewolf's life. The beginning being the worst, a werewolf only knows of this need if he/she is either informed, or allows the wolf full control.

Sirius' eyes then raked over the words that had triggered off his memory of the section of the book.

At this time the wolf is violent in its search for a mate and as such, it's lonely call can be heard exactly every hour, during the change. This is one of the first signs that the werewolf is in the process of searching for a mate. The differences in the wolf are most easily notable on full moons, as the wolf is considerably more restless. Despite its natural territorial urges, it has been observed that the werewolf, when transformed in this stage, shows quicker acceptance towards other creatures in its territory, its loneliness alleviated by play with company.

Another sign, is the werewolf's increasing sensitivity of their senses, this phase usually happening as a backlash of the physical change, that happened in the previous couple of months, and does so to realign the werewolf's now matured senses - this phase being particularly painful if the werewolf has already found a potential mate, their body incorporating the mate's scent as a part of its own (see p.887, 'Scents and Sensibilities', for further details). Passing out during the end of this stage, is not uncommon.

Nightmares are a clear sign of the wolf's change, the werewolf being either plagued by the wolf's aggressive desires or its sexual lusts. Wild mood swings is another signal of this activated period. The wolf, when threatened, takes over completely, and the darker half of the werewolf controls the situation until calmed. This calm is usually achieved when certain conditions are met, one of these being the safety of-'

Sirius shut the book with a dull thud, and slowly lifted a finger and traced the ingrained title: 'Furry Paws; Human Heart' by U.R. Charms.

Sirius scowled at the cover, as if it had invented everything inside for no other purpose than seeing him miserable.

And he was miserable. So very miserable.

Remus had been going through this 'puberty', and he hadn't told anyone. He had been given a time limit on his very life and still Remus had said nothing. The one solution being love, he'd ignored the possible help from his friends. All the odd behaviour Sirius had observed in his best friend now came into the light, and with Rachel's sudden appearance, he sighed at the inevitable conclusion.

Remus had found a mate.

Sirius flung the heavy book away from him with a fierce shout of rage, and the ancient volume crashed to the floor, with a loud bang.

How dare he. How dare he.

A small knock came on the door, and Sirius swallowed his rage, as he turned his angry eyes to the hesitant head that peeked around the door.

"Um, Sirius? James asked me to see if-"

"Go. Away," Sirius intoned, still seething, and finding that his anger only seemed to be growing.

Peter seemed to get the hint and scampered off quickly.

How dare he...

*

James walked into the common room, with a bemused smile that quickly turned into a frown.

BANG!

"What the-" James saw Peter and a few other Gryffindors sitting quietly in the common room, all looking a little wary, but pretending that they didn't hear the crashes that were coming from upstairs. "Peter, what is going on?"

Peter looked up at James, and winced at a particularly loud crash that was followed by something that sounded like "...dare he!"

"I don't know what you've been up to James, but if I were you, I'd just keep clear of him 'till he's calmed down," Peter said.

James frowned again, but then a look of comprehension crossed his face and he took a step towards the dorms.

"That's Padfoot, is it?"

"Don't go up there," one of the Gryffindors spoke up warningly. "He won't listen to anyone, and whoever's 'dared' to do whatever, should keep well clear of him."

James sighed as he walked up the stairs, ignoring the warning. As he knocked on the door and opened it, he ducked as what he believed to be a piece of a bed headboard, flew past him and smashed into the wall behind him. James looked critically at the raging Sirius, who was now resorting to punching Peter's poor unsuspecting teddy bear.

"Pertrificus Totalus," James intoned wearily, as he pointed his wand at Sirius, who soon seized up and fell to the floor, face down.

James sighed, and looked around at the wrecked room. None of the furniture was in one piece, and it seemed that Remus' bed had had the worst of it.

James walked over to Sirius, and turned the boy over, ignoring the stormy grey eyes that glared at him with outrage.

"You are bloody well lucky my mum likes me to do the housework, or you'd be in a lot of trouble, Padfoot," James said, shaking his head, before muttering numerous repair and cleaning spells around the room.

Soon it looked presentable enough, and James gave Sirius a cautious glance. The boy looked quite wretched now - obviously all that physical violence had been doing nothing for his rage, with the possible exception of feeding it that is.

"I'm going to let you move now. No curses - that was for your own good." James removed the spell and warily stepped back, as Sirius got up.

He expected an accusation, a yell or even a quick punch. What he didn't expect was Sirius racing past him, to the common room. James followed in astonishment, and watched as Sirius ran out of Gryffindor Tower.

"What is going on?" Peter asked exasperatedly behind James, as he too watched Sirius' exit.

"I haven't the faintest idea." James sighed.

*

Remus came back to an oddly silent common room, where most of Gryffindor seemed to be gathered. He walked over to James and Peter, who were playing a game of chess (Peter, Remus noted, was about to be mated - lucky him) and greeted them wearily.

"How was the end to your date, Remus?" Peter asked pleasantly, as he moved into check.

Ah, even Peter had picked up on that, it seemed.

"Check," James said happily.

"It wasn't a date Pete, she's not my type," Remus said, with a faint smile.

"Oh." Peter moved his piece into James' trap. "But then why-"

"Checkmate," James pointed out, with a grin.

Peter sighed as his king was captured by the yelling mob.

"Where's Sirius?" Remus asked, suddenly.

Peter snorted and James shot him an irritated look.

"What? What's happened?" Remus asked.

"We don't know where he is, after his little tantrum, he just got up and-

"He's just gone for a walk is all," James replied.

"Gone, where? And what 'tantrum'?" Remus asked.

"He took the map so we can't find him. Merlin knows where he is. I think he just wants to be alone for a bit." James sighed.

Remus nodded, Sirius occasionally did this, but usually it took something to start him off - that something being his family. Respecting Sirius' feelings, he decided not to go and look for the boy, and said goodnight to Peter and James, before climbing up the stairs to bed.

As he stripped off and crawled under his sheets, Remus sighed as the day yet again flashed before him: Rachel's appearance, her similar circumstances, her father and his pronouncement that had been on Remus' mind all evening.

Committed.

He'd unintentionally committed himself to Sirius, someone that didn't want him. He was as good as already bonded, yet without his mate's acceptance, and so he was doomed to that end that Ulric Charms, the werewolf advisor, had fated he'd fall to, with no mate to soothe his lupine side.

Just a little under four months. That was all the time he had left. Remus stared at his drawn curtains, and wondered if he would know when he'd gone mad. How would he know? What was to say that the knowledge that Sirius would never, could never, be his mate hadn't already drove him into insanity, and he was a breath away from getting up and flinging himself out the window?

But no, that wasn't insanity, just suicide, and if anything, he wasn't going to do that. Remus knew just how precious his life was now, and he wasn't going to throw it away.

No.

He'd spend the last of it with his love. Even if Sirius didn't love him, he could still be with him; could still watch his smile, could still return his glances, could still say those reassuring words that came so easily when he wanted to set his loves' heart at ease. Even if he couldn't be completely happy, even if he knew he would be nothing without Sirius, he'd still go on for him.

Remus decided in that moment, that although the impossibilities of his situation doomed him, he would still be there for the one person who couldn't be there for him, and he'd be grateful for that, knowing that Rachel didn't even have that as compensation for her similar misplaced love.

Remus slipped into a dreamless sleep, and slept peacefully for the first time in a long time.

*

Sirius entered the dorm quietly, trying not to disturb the three sleeping boys.

It was well past midnight, and his wanderings had taken him over the school grounds as he angrily roamed Hogwarts, trying to find an answer to his one baffling question: Why was he so angry?

Sirius was naturally an emotional person, and he expressed these emotions as he felt them, he did not analyse what he was feeling - he was not used to that, he'd never had a reason to stop and think about what he was feeling. But this was different, this was important, he knew.

There was also the little fact that one didn't normally destroy a room full of furniture, unless said destruction was called for.

Sirius looked around at the room guiltily, and sighed in relief when he saw James did a good job with the charms, he'd have to remember to thank him in the morning.

Sirius, unable to stop himself, quietly padded over to Remus' bed, and gently lifted the curtains, gazing at Remus' sleeping face, as if waiting for the answer to his tortured question to appear.

Why had he been so angry that Remus had found a mate? Shouldn't he be happy for him? After all, the boy wasn't going to die. That was a good thing, wasn't it?

Sirius sighed as he studied his friend's face; his soft tawny hair tumbling over his forehead, framing his angelic-like features perfectly.

Sirius accepted he had a crush on his friend. He'd found he liked Remus a little more than he'd originally believed, when the boy had returned from what Sirius now knew to be his 'puberty' change. Sirius had thought it would have all gone away by now, that it had been just a few errant hormones playing games with his mind.

It seemed that it was anything but. Instead of recovering from the attraction to Remus, it had grown and now the thought of him having someone else as a lover, filled Sirius with a possessive rage that screamed at him not to let this terrible scene play out.

Yet what could he really do? This fury seemed to originate from his feelings for his friend, ones which Sirius now admitted in defeat were affection, lust and... love....

Love.

He was in love with Remus.

Remus, who was mated to Rachel Nokomis. Remus, who was expecting nothing more from him than friendship; Remus; sweet, gentle Remus, who seemed to keep so many secrets.

As Sirius gazed at the boy with a new sense of wonder, he felt the lash of bitterness as what he had to do sunk in. Against everything that made Sirius Sirius, he would have to do as Remus did, and keep this secret.

Remus couldn't know of his love, if Remus found out, it would hurt him. Sirius knew he'd only upset the boy with his unrequited love, and yet he wondered how he'd survive without the tawny haired boy at his side in the way Sirius wished it: as his lover.

Nevertheless, he wouldn't be without him, Sirius realised suddenly. Although he mightn't be able to hold him, to love him, he could still love him openly as a friend.

Sirius gave the boy one last look, and a fleeting caress, before dropping the curtain back down, and he walked over to his own bed.

Yes, he'd keep this secret, for Moony's sake.

*